Relational Trauma SOS

Feeling weighed down? Do thoughts of your loved one's addiction consume your thoughts? I relate. Let's explore how to function from a place of peace in this week's episode: The POWER of SURRENDERING.

NOTE: Next week I will be doing a Question and Answer episode.   I welcome recovery and/ or personal questions regarding my own recovery by contacting me on Instagram, Facebook, or from the contact tab on the betrayaltraumasos.com website.  I certainly don’t have all of the answers but can offer what I have learned as well as consult with others who are farther ahead in recovery.  I do pledge confidentiality and anonymity. 

I have definitely tried to control my husband’s addiction.  For the first 17.5 years of our marriage, I thought I was being a great wife by almost never withholding sex, and oftentimes offering it more often.  Imagine my shock as we sat in a formal disclosure with our therapist to learn that not only had I not controlled his addiction with sex, but I also made it worse.  With eyes wide open that I was truly powerless, I was able to make better choices and set better boundaries.  Episode 5 titled: You Can’t Fix Sex Addiction With Sex goes into more detail about that issue if you’d like to check that out.

WHY do we try to control?  That question carries with it heart-wrenching answers.  

The why is important and too often we focus on the resulting behaviors without looking deeper.  When we don’t look at the why, it is easy to start living in a breeding ground for shame.  The why helps us to stay curious and to be gentle with ourselves as we strive to change our shape.

Motives for control might include financial repercussions, a desire for connection, the desire to not suffer heartbreaking consequences, to rescue our loved ones and more.

I truly thought that I was controlling the outcome of my husband’s addiction, but in all reality, it was not true.  I had zero power and in the process of trying to control, I became miserable.  

Here’s a question for each of us to consider: What would life look like if we could let go of control and really live life again?  What hobbies might we take up, what friendships might we cultivate, and what would our homes look like?  It’s lovely to dream sometimes. It is possible to live the dream and to find power in surrendering.

From the book Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins, he says this, quote “the more you pull on the rope to hitch yourself up to where you want to be, the more frazzled it becomes.  Possibly, you might be wondering, “Isn’t there an easier, better way?” Are you willing to let go of the rope?”

What’s the solution then?  How can we live life more fully?  What can we do to no longer live in fear? What can we do to let go of our frayed and frazzled ropes? 

One tool that can be helpful in recovery is that of surrender. 

Letting go of the rope looks different for everyone.

For me, surrender is more of a process and is a continual effort.  I’m learning that when I can identify the roots of fear, I can identify what to work on surrendering the outcome.  

Doesn’t the thought of living in peace sound lovely?  *sigh* I agree.  To live in peace is a strong desire of mine, but how do we do that?  How do we achieve that level of serenity? How do people actually surrender?

Oftentimes it’s easy to get lost in the big picture of our situations.

In this episode, we'll discuss the song "The Next Right Thing," from Frozen 2 as it relates focusing on the next step instead of the overwhelming big picture.

Along these lines, is the concept of Daily Bread. 

When we choose to rely day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute and sometimes even breath by breath on God, we surrender control to Him.  Join me in discussing different ways that people surrender.

For those who believe in Christian doctrine as I do, I cannot leave this subject without discussing the ultimate act of surrender and that to me is Jesus Christ.  Again, take what you like and leave the rest.  Jesus said, “Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.”   On a much smaller scale, I certainly relate with this feeling.  

In my own small way, I too have not wanted to drink gall.  Who wants to experience broken covenants that accompany broken hearts?  Who wants to experience physiological changes in their brains that hijack their nervous systems and create unwanted responses?  If we could avoid the gall presented to us, or pray that reality away, or heal instantly, certainly we would.  After all, who wants to know the pain of betrayal or the subsequent trauma?  The times when I have said, “Thy will be done,” and meant it, have been defining moments in my relationship with God.

Surrender for me has looked like walking out the door, when I was fairly certain that my husband would act out in his addiction and I would be subject to the consequences  It has looked like not using sex to manipulate my husband’s mood or to gain a false sense of connection.  At times when I don’t allow others to treat me like a welcome mat, I surrender the fear of becoming unneeded or unwanted.  When I practice self care, I surrender that I have needs, and so on.  Surrender for me is striving to be today as I become grateful for my reliance on daily bread instead of miraculous solutions.  It is accepting with ample compassion that I am not and cannot be perfect at this time.

Let's heal together. XOXO Jeni

Betrayal Trauma SOS Social Media: Instagram, Facebook

Episode 12: Grace To Heal From a Loved One’s Sex Addiction

Episode 5: You Can’t Fix Sex Addiction With Sex  

Intimate Deception Dr. Sheri Keffer (affiliate link)

S-Anon 12 Steps- Blue Book (affiliate link)

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown (affiliate link)

Episode 7: I Am Sacred

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

TIPSA- Trauma Inventory for Partner’s of Sex Addicts

Treating Trauma From Sexual Betrayal by Dr. Kevin Skinner (affiliate link)

Exodus chapter 16

Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread- BYU Devotional- D. Todd Christofferson

The Next Right Thing (Youtube video)

Frozen 2- the movie (affiliate link)

3 Key Elements events

SA Lifeline

What Can I Do About Me by Rhyll Anne Croshaw (affiliate link)

Luke 22:42

Grace is my favorite tool for healing from... anything but especially betrayal trauma. The key element in my recovery from betrayal trauma that stems from my husband's sex addiction has certainly been grace and I'm happy to discuss that in this betrayal trauma podcast episode.

I am honored to welcome 9 women who share their personal experiences with grace as they heal from betrayal trauma. Their experiences have strengthened me and I look forward to sharing their beautiful stories of Grace in this episode

Grace, is a fundamental concept of Christianity, however, the more I looked into the concept of grace, the more I realized that it is found in many religions and not just Christianity.  For instance, did you know that the Hebrew word that is similar to grace is chen?  I found that grace was also found in Hinduism, Islam, Buddhism and more.

Something in me seems to melt when I hear or think about grace.  When reading the scriptures, and in particular, the New Testament, I highlight the word grace anytime I see it. My New Testament is littered with that beautiful word and I have wondered how it applies to me. Lately, I have contemplated how it applies to healing from betrayal trauma.  As I’ve actively looked for the role of grace in my recovery from betrayal trauma, I have seen it everywhere.  How stunning and wonderful to realize that grace was at the center of every tool and every healing principle.  

Grace certainly has the ability to cleanse from sin, but today, I am addressing the heartbroken.  I know because I walk among you as one of your own.  Today, in regards to grace I will primarily focus on the enabling power of grace as it has healing properties.  

I love this definition of grace from Sheri Dew’s book Amazed by Grace as she says, quote “What is Grace? Grace is divine, enabling power.

Author and Pastor Max Lucado has a video about Grace and a book as well wherein he tells a story about a man named  Li Fuyan.  Mr. Fuyan had suffered from terrible headaches for 4 years.  Nothing had gotten rid of his headaches.  Nothing.  Finally, the doctors took an x-ray and discovered that a rusty four inch knife blade was in his skull.  Years earlier he had an altercation with a robber and had been attacked.  Mr. Fuyan did not know that the knife blade from the robber had broken off under his jaw and into his skull.

Buried pain can be similar to the knife.  When we bring our pain to our higher power or God, we invite the surgeon to remove the proverbial knife.  

Surgery and recovery are not typically pleasant experiences.  They take time, skill, and following directions from the surgeon.  As walking wounded, we have proverbial knives stabbed deep into our souls.  Removing them typically takes time, patience and a great deal of compassion. 

In this episode, I also talk about ways that grace is healing my family from the consequences of sex addiction and betrayal trauma.

Betrayal Trauma SOS Boundaries Video

Amazing But Divergent Concepts of Grace

Divine Grace- Wikipedia

Amazed by Grace by Sheri Dew (affiliate link)

Luke 4:18 and Isaiah 61:1

Max Lucado- Video on grace 

Grace: More Than We Deserve, Greater Than We Imagine">Grace: More Than We Deserve, Greater Than We Imagine by Max Lucado (affiliate link)

Episode 10: Facing Denial to Live in Truth

Episode 11: Boundaries When Your Spouse Has a Sex Addiction 

Pure Desires Ministries

Conquer Series DVD Set Volume 1

Conquer Series DVD Set Volume 2

KATY WILLIS

• Be Still Yoga Courses
• Be Still with Katy Willis on Facebook
• Be Still Services Website

KAREN RELLOS: Betrayal Trauma Coach (APSATS Certified)

• Redeeming Love Website
• Redeeming Love on Instagram

Boundaries with my spouse who deals with sex addiction changed my life.  Maybe they will change yours too?

While a few things in this episode are geared towards spouses who are married to someone that struggles with sex addiction, most of what we are discussing is applicable to other addictions as well.  Whether your spouse is addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. you will likely find helpful information on boundaries in this episode.

This week, I share a snippet of what my life looked like before and after learning about boundaries.

When I’m employing boundaries, I don’t need to yell, shrink, threaten, or shame.  I recognize my worth and I recognize the worth of others as well.

• A rock-solid personal understanding that God uses boundaries.
• An understanding that we are to cleave to one another and our covenants in marriage, but that we do so individually.
• Boundaries are best implemented when we have a strong community to support us.
• The concept that my marriage might be saved by implementing boundaries was empowering. They became a primary source in a rescue mission. I was being rescued, my husband was offered a life preserver and if he chose recovery, our marriage might be rescued as well.

• Why boundaries are best when made with God and my personal experience with this.
• The power of personally tailoring boundaries to our loved ones, plus a personal example of when this was effective in my own life
• The difference between firm boundaries vs. fluid boundaries.  I share my own insights on this, along with my friend's experiences.
• We will also explore why it's important to be gentle with ourselves as we learn and adjust our boundaries, and why it's important to place a boundary around disconnect.
• Detaching with love is also a topic in this episode, along with what to do when your spouse or loved one pushes back against boundaries.

Betrayal Trauma SOS. Let's heal together.

SOURCES:

What Can I Do About Me by Rhyll Ann Croshaw (Affiliate link)

Episode 7: I Am Sacred 

Addiction Recovery Program- Step 8:  Be Firm and Steadfast 

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When To Say Yes, How To Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend (Affiliate link)

Beyond Breath by Sariah Bastian (Affiliate link)

Prana Yoga 

Episode 8 of Betrayal Trauma SOS: Intuition- You Were Right and You Knew It

Ep. 8-Rhyll’s Story from the Rise Up Restored Podcast 

Al-Anon- Detachment Document

Facing denial to live in truth is critical for anyone, but especially those of us who have a loved one that struggles with addiction. Let’s learn why it’s an important element to address when healing from betrayal. 

Denial.  What is it and why do we need to be aware of it?  This podcast episode uses a parable from Deiter F. Uchtdorf about blind men feeling and describing different parts of an elephant. One feels the trunk and says that it must be snake-like, while another feels a leg and thinks it's more like a tree.

Denial is like that. It's easy to have blinders on and only describe small parts of the big picture. We end up painting a false picture to ourselves and others.

We can’t fix what we can’t see.  Shedding denial is a critical part of the healing process from betrayal trauma and other heartaches as well.

My goal has become to live in truth.  However unappealing it may seem, living in truth helps me to have a clear picture so that I can make adjustments in my life.  

For those of us who are suffering from trauma, living in truth is crucial because, as is talked about in The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, it is important for us to integrate what has happened to us.

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk (affiliate link)

Intimate Deception Dr. Sheri Keffer (affiliate link)

It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way (affiliate link)

What Is Truth (CES Devotional From 2013) Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Do you want to learn to communicate more effectively, and don't know where to begin.

All who are seeking to learn communication skills will likely find things of worth in today’s episode. While this Betrayal Trauma SOS podcast episode is geared towards helping those who are struggling with betrayal trauma learn better ways to communicate, most things can be applied to many different scenarios. 

Sometimes we have a message to convey that is very important to us, but it's as if we hit a wall when we try to communicate it.  

Have you ever felt highly elevated when faced with a hard conversation?  I know that I sure have.  Hard things are going on with our bodies, and this can happen to anyone. 

The basis of this episode stems from a talk given by Bonnie H. Cordon in the April 2020 General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. 

She talked about a time when her family hosted an apostle named Elder L. Tom Perry when she was 10 years old.  Late that night her mother asked if she had fed the chickens, and her cute response was that maybe the chickens should fast that night.  She didn’t want to leave the company of the apostle.  Of course that wasn’t acceptable, but Elder Perry had heard the exchange and offered to accompany her, along with his son to feed the chickens.  

She ran ahead and after jumping over the irrigation ditch that she was use to encountering. Elder Perry hadn't been able to follow her light. He stepped right into the irrigation ditch.

She says, "I was shining my light but not in a way that would help Elder Perry. Now, knowing that he needed my light to safely navigate the path, I focused the flashlight just ahead of his steps and we were able to return home with confidence.”

 I am learning that I can do my best to show up to hard conversations and can navigate them better when I employ communication skills.  I’m still a work in progress, and what I share today is from my own experiences and studies to improve my own communication skills. 

1. Understanding what we hope to accomplish with our conversation. When we are crystal clear with what we are hoping to accomplish, we can better stay on track in our conversations.

1. Organizing thoughts goes a long way.  When I take the time to organize my thinking before holding conversations, they tend to go much better.

1. Knowing I am of worth and that the other person is also of worth.  It is not humility to be less or more than what we were created to be.  It’s important to know that in God’s eyes we are on equal ground.  No matter our station, we are all important.  Internalizing this concept helps us to value not just our own thoughts, but those of others as well.  

1. Learning to be aware of our emotional state and use tools to stay grounded.  Whether we are highly elevated due to stress or trauma, becoming grounded can be a wonderful tool for being able to gain emotional stability and be able to re-engage in conversation from a more neutral place.

1. Consider your emotional safety and the emotional safety of those you are communicating with.

1. Consider that their response is about them. Of course, this takes practice and is easier said than done. It’s ok to be a work in progress.

1. Consider boundaries in conversations. I’m planning a boundaries episode soon, so stay tuned for that.

8. Taking drama out of communication.  The goal is to stay out of drama as best as possible.  This is likely a lifelong pursuit and the more I dig, the more evidence I find regarding my role in drama.  It’s often very subtle and difficult to see.  The better I get at not engaging in drama, the healthier my relationships become.

This week’s meditation will be on the Betrayal Trauma SOS Youtube page later this week.  I want to give a shout out to my friends who helped me make this week’s meditation regarding letting our light shine, something that I love.  Special thanks to Arianna Rees, who is a therapist trained life coach and is the host of the With Real Intent Podcast, and Katy Willis, who has many qualifications in regards to meditation and yoga plus a multitude of other things, a genuine thank you.  

As I better learn to communicate,I have found many blessing. I would love to hear if any part of this week's Betrayal Trauma SOS episode has been beneficial in your life.

XOXO Jeni

SOURCES:

Betrayal Trauma SOS Episode 2: Betrayal Trauma.  What is it?

Betraya Trauma SOS Episode 3: First Aid Kit + a Body Scan

Betrayal Trauma SOS Episode 8: Intuition- You Were Right and You Knew It 

Bonnie H. Cardon- That They May See

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk (Affiliate Link)

Brene Brown mantra

Crucial Conversations by Patterson, Grenny, Mcmillan and Switzler (Affiliate Link)

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communications Guide) by Marshall B. Rosenberg (Affiliate Link)

Intuition. You know that time that you knew that something was off?  You were right and your body knew it.

*This episode is appropriate for anyone with a loved one who struggles with addiction. This includes alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling addiction and more.

Let’s explore together about what intuition is and how to cultivate it.

When I first began recovery from sexual betrayal, I would only make boundaries based on what I could prove.  I have a dear recovery friend who taught me that betrayal trauma recovery becomes richer when we can make boundaries based on our gut instinct, or intuition.  She was right and learning to do that drastically changed my life.

The trick is that when addiction, sex addiction, porn addiction, etc is involved, we likely don’t have all of the facts.  That’s where intuition comes in.  

While boundaries help protect us, when we are better in tune with our gut, we can make better boundaries. In fact, we can get to the point where we make boundaries that aren't based on what we see or hear for the most part. We can make them based on gut instinct.

In this podcast, we will discuss 5 principles to strengthen gut intuition.

1. How Faith Is Helpful With Intuition
2. Learning To Be Still
3. Checkout It Out With Prayer
4. Learning To Hear What Your Body Says
5. Gaining knowledge

Next week we are talking about finding your voice and how to use it so that it is heard.  I hope you’ll join me. If this episode has been helpful for you, then I hope you will consider subscribing, leaving 5 stars or consider sharing it with someone who might benefit.  Betrayal trauma sos can be found on facebook, instagram and at betrayal trauma sos.com. Let’s heal together.

Photready_Pineapple on Instagram 

Treating Trauma From Sexual Betrayal Dr. Kevin Skinner (Affiliate Link)

Gifts of Imperfection Brene Brown  (Affiliate Link)

Ether 12:6

Richard G. Scott “To Acquire Spiritual Guidance”

David A. Bednar “Seek Learning By Faith”

Docitrine and Covenant 8:2

Lifestar Network (not sponsored)

Untamed Glennon Doyle (Affiliate Link)

I am sacred and so are you. Do you know how to discover your self worth for yourself? Sometimes that process can be elusive, but this episode walks you through various ways to experiment and to learn that you are sacred.

Host Jeni Brockbank walks you through various concepts and offers her own journey to learning her divine worth. Once you learn that you are sacred, you know that others are sacred as well.

While the Betrayal Trauma SOS podcast is typically geared towards those struggling with betrayal trauma, this self care podcast can be applied universally. All walks of life are welcome.

Learn how to cultivate your own self worth with exercises and concepts that include:

• Not apologizing for your existence and learning that you have a right to be here. An example of apologizing for our existence might include saying something such as, "I am sorry that I am crying." This episode includes a warm and welcoming alternative to such statements.
• A body image exercise that helps us to love ourselves no matter what our body looks like. To gain self love.
• Gaining self worth through the joy of creativity. It's easy to lose ourselves in the process of trying to save others, so let's explore how ingniting our creative spark can bring joy.
• Meeting needs.  So often, women in general and some men as well give and give and give so much that we forget that we, too, are worthy of time and effort.
• Your body is a temple. When we can see ourselves as sacred it is easier to love ourselves in whatever state we are in and it’s also easier to take better care of our selves as well.  1 Corinthians 3:16 says in part, “the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are.” 
•  Prayer- "My favorite way to learn my worth is on my knees with my Heavenly Father.  I do feel His love and assurance when I ask Him how He feels about me.  The more honest and vulnerable I am with my Heavenly Father about anything, but particularly regarding feelings of worth, the more tender He is towards me.  I can feel it."

Sources:

Affiliate Link:

Affiliate Link

Matthew 22: 37-39

Affiliate Link:

Jeffrey R. Holland “To Young Women”

Dieter F. Uchtdorf "Happiness Your Heritage"

Episode 2 of Betrayal Trauma SOS: Betrayal Trauma.  What is it?

OR Episode 2 can also be accessed here

Enter to win a Betrayal Trauma SOS First Aid Kit On Facebook Here

Betrayal Trauma SOS on Facebook

Betrayal Trauma SOS on Instagram

Have you ever wondered how church leadership can help those in betrayal trauma? I've got some tips that will transform how clergy can help someone through the painful process after betrayal. Join me, host Jeni Brockbank as I give many sources along with my own experiences.

Ecclesiastical leaders are often first responders to people in trauma and have the opportunity to offer guidance so that people can find true and lasting healing.

All denominations are welcome and while I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I have chosen information that I believe applies to most religions. So, whether you are a bishop, a priest, a rabi, a relief society president, a church service missionary or just a curious observer, you are welcome here.

I have a strong belief that gaining education regarding betrayal trauma will increase the capacity to guide wounded patrons to the one true source of healing: God.

If you wonder how church leadership can help those in betrayal trauma, then this podcast episode is for you.

If you like research, then you are in luck because this episode is heavily sourced.

Sources:

Episode 2: Betrayal Trauma- What Is It?

Episode 5: You Can’t Fix Sex Addiction With Sex 

Katy Willis A Betrayal Trauma Resource for Bishops (or other ecclesiastical leaders)

Dr. Adam Moore A Letter To My Church Leader 

Keeping the Temple Holy by Gordon B. Hinckley

The Body Keeps the Score by Besel van der Kolk

Unwanted by Jay Stringer

Dallin H. Oaks talk, “Pornography”

Helping Couples Heal Podcast “Understanding Betrayal with Dr. Omar Minwalla Part Two

Leading Saints Summit- Kirk Francom interview with Katy Willis transcript

LDS Family Services, “Family Services provides short-term professional counseling for individuals, couples, and families.”

Lifestar

Addo Recovery https://w

Hank R. Smith Quote about boundaries

Malachi 4:2 

Jacob 2: 35

Excerpt from 13th article of faith

You can't fix sex addiction with sex. Trust me. I tried. Has the idea ever come to you that marriage might fix a sex addiction, or that having a baby will? I relate. Join me, Jeni Brockbank, as I guide you through my journey of coming to learn what addiction REALLY is. This gets interesting as we discuss the Rat Park study and so much more. I'll take you through my process of coming to better understand sex addiction and that this understanding helps to find tools for healing from betrayal trauma.

We will end with a guided mediation at the end that incorporates divine worth, your eternal origin, and that you are enough. You are beyond enough.

A few links and/ or references from this episode include:

Meditation: You Are Enough- You Are Beyond Enough

Enter To Win a Betrayal Trauma SOS First Aid Kit On Facebook (Winner chosen May 19, 2020)

Everything You Think You Know About Addiction Is Wrong Johann Hari

Your Brain On Porn

Unwanted by Jay Stringer

You Matter To Him by Dieter F. Uchtdorf