Relationship Fitness Podcast

Welcome to Episode 70 of the Relationship Fitness Podcast! When it comes to your relationship, being OK is not OK! When someone asks how you are doing, a “not too bad” reply still suggests that things are bad. Don’t settle for just being compatible with your partner. Your relationship can be so much more! Join me for a closer look!

The mighty, soaring eagle

When a relationship is fresh and new, it is soaring like an eagle--way up on “cloud nine,” we might say. But over time, our relationship might take some hits as we encounter life’s storms. As the eagle that is our relationship dips and dives, it may drift down to a plateau where we are “just OK.” We mistakenly think that state will continue, but we can’t see the changes that are occurring. With clipped wings, our relationship is stuck, and the plateau becomes a downward slide toward “We’re OK” hell or even divorce hell. Our relationship drama becomes a bad influence on everyone, and we leave a bad relationship legacy for our kids and grandkids, who are watching and learning from us.

Watch out for wolves and cougars!

When the eagle (relationship) isn’t soaring anymore, it’s stuck on the plateau and can’t avoid the wolves and cougars that are hiding in the bushes and behind the rocks. The wolves and cougars are people around us who have a weak moral compass--or no moral compass. They are looking for weak spots and openings in our relationship so they can jump in and offer “just what we need.” They don’t understand or just don’t care that they are interfering in an established relationship, and we fall prey to them. 

Keep working at Relationship Fitness!

If you don’t keep working to improve your relationship fitness, then your wings will be clipped, and your relationship will have no choice but to become prey for the wolves and cougars that are prowling around. Your weakness will be exploited, and your relationship can be ruined forever. How can we keep this from happening? Seek out books, resources, mentors, and counselors that can help strengthen your relationship. Don’t get comfortable and settle for being  OK with being OK! What are you teaching your kids about relationships? Let’s get to work and stop the relationship dysfunction!

***I want your feedback! Let me know how your relationship is soaring and how you are fighting to be more than just OK. Tell me how you are strengthening your relationship and what topics you want to hear about on the podcast. Thanks for listening!

Connect with me:

Facebook: Relationship Fitness Facebook Page

Instagram: Relationship.Fitness

Locals.com: https://relationshipfitness.locals.com/ (Locals.com membership required)

Podcast website: RelationshipFitnessPodcast.com

Mentioned in this episode: The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael A. Singer

Not sure where to start your Relationship Fitness journey?

1. Begin with my FREE eBook: How To 10X Your Relationship In ONE Conversation

2. Get my bestselling paperback book "7 Secrets To An Extraordinary Relationship Your Parent Couldn't Teach You" here.

P.S. Check out my new channel on Locals.com at Relationshipfitness.Locals.com where I'm posting exclusive #RelationshipFitness content you won't see or hear anywhere else. (Locals.com membership required)

P.S.S We’ll be on Spotify REAL soon!!

Welcome to the Relationship Fitness Podcast! I’ve got practical tips and helpful resources to share with you about today’s topic: bad days and good days. Even the best relationships have both bad days and good days. Why? Because we are human, and these days are the essence of life. I’m sharing lessons I’ve learned to deal with the bad days and make those good days even better. How can your relationship be better today than it was yesterday? Join me for today’s episode!

Don’t be a hypocrite

When either partner is having a bad day, my military side wants to identify the problem, fix it, and move on. In relationships, things are different, and a different approach is needed. Mistakes happen, but no one has all the answers. Learn to solve problems together. When your partner is down and defeated, your primary job is to listen and be their cheerleader, confidante, and critic. Don’t be the critic who tears down, but be the one who builds up and inspires excellence. 

Have compassion for each other

Realize that we all have bad days because there is always pressure in providing and caring for a family. Pressure can come from internal and external directions. Sometimes one partner has to carry the load with compassion and understanding while the other partner gets back on their feet. Face the bad days with a WE mentality---together. 

Have patience and understanding 

The ugly truth is that we are human and frail. We fail sometimes. Aim high in your relationship, but know that there will be failures. We don’t always know the reasons behind someone’s bad day, so patience and understanding are key elements in a strong relationship. 

**Leave me your thoughts. I’d love to know how you show compassion, patience, and understanding in your relationship. Remember that creating and maintaining a loving, passionate relationship is the best legacy we can leave for our kids and grandkids, so let’s get to it!

Your Relationship Warrior coach, 💪😎

Tom

#Relationshipwarrior

#RelationshipWarriorNation

#RelationshipFitness

#relationshipfitnesspodcast

Connect with me:

Facebook: Relationship Fitness Facebook Page

Instagram: Relationship.Fitness

Locals.com: https://relationshipfitness.locals.com/ (Locals.com membership required)

Podcast website: RelationshipFitnessPodcast.com

Mentioned in this episode: The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael A. Singer

Not sure where to start your Relationship Fitness journey?

1. Begin with my FREE eBook: How To 10X Your Relationship In ONE Conversation

2. Get my bestselling paperback book "7 Secrets To An Extraordinary Relationship Your Parent Couldn't Teach You" here.

P.S. Check out my new channel on Locals.com at Relationshipfitness.Locals.com where I'm posting exclusive #RelationshipFitness content you won't see or hear anywhere else. (Locals.com membership required)

EP 68 - Is your relationship how you envisioned it would be?

We’ll be on Spotify REAL soon!!

Is your relationship how you envisioned it would be when you first started thinking about marrying your then-boyfriend/girlfriend?

Are you starting to see some cracks in the fairytale dream?  😢🥺😧

• Learn how to figure out what their argument hot buttons are and what to do about them.
• How to figure out what is causing a rift between you two and how to figure out if it is you or not.
• Why is it that the desks in 1st grade are SO DANG SMALL?? Yes, this Q is relative to the theme of this episode…ha-ha!  🤪😂🤣

Thanks for tuning in and please remember to LIKE, Subscribe, leave a comment, and let me know what you think of this episode, and share to help keep building stronger relationships throughout the world. 🌎🌍🌏

Remember, it only takes one conversation to level up your relationship!

Your Relationship Warrior coach, 💪😎

Tom

#Relationshipwarrior

#RelationshipWarriorNation

#RelationshipFitness

#relationshipfitnesspodcast

Connect with me:

Facebook: Relationship Fitness Facebook Page

Instagram: Relationship.Fitness

Locals.com: https://relationshipfitness.locals.com/ (Locals.com membership required)

Podcast website: RelationshipFitnessPodcast.com

Not sure where to start your Relationship Fitness journey?

1. Begin with my FREE eBook: How To 10X Your Relationship In ONE Conversation
2. Get my bestselling paperback book "7 Secrets To An Extraordinary Relationship Your Parent Couldn't Teach You" here.

P.S. Check out my new channel on Locals.com at Relationshipfitness.Locals.com where I'm posting exclusive #RelationshipFitness content you won't see or hear anywhere else.  (Locals.com membership required)

P.S.S We’ll be on Spotify REAL soon!!

EP 65 - 3 surprising tips to help level up your relationship

I’ve got 3 surprising tips to help level up your relationship today that you may not have thought about before or if you have heard them…

Maybe it wasn’t in this exact way and it’s definitely worth checking out.  😀

Thanks for tuning in and please remember to LIKE, Subscribe, leave a comment, and let me know what you think of this episode, and share to help keep building stronger relationships throughout the world. 🌎🌍🌏

Remember, it only takes one conversation to level up your relationship!

Your Relationship Warrior coach, 💪😎

Tom

#relationshipfitnesspodcast

#Relationshipwarrior

#RelationshipWarriorNation

#RelationshipFitness

Transcripts Below 👇👇👇

Connect with me:

Facebook: Relationship Fitness Facebook Page

Instagram: Relationship.Fitness

Not sure where to start your Relationship Fitness journey?

1. Begin with my FREE eBook: How To 10X Your Relationship In One Conversation
2. Get my bestselling book "7 Secrets To An Extraordinary Relationship Your Parent Couldn't Teach You" here.

P.S. Check out my new channel on Locals.com at Relationshipfitness.Locals.com where I'm posting exclusive #RelationshipFitness content you won't see or hear anywhere else.

P.S.S We’ll be on Spotify REAL soon!!

Raw Transcript

(00:01):

So the big question is how do guys like us weren't born relationship experts and who didn't grow up with great relationship examples around us. Figure out how to toot the passion, the chemistry, the intimacy, and the connection and the romance at a high level in our relationship and keep it thriving. That is the question. And this podcast will give you the answers to help you take your relationship from just okay to stop. My name is Tom pate and welcome to the relationship fins podcast.

(00:36):

Yeah, so we got three tips for you tonight. And the first one is to, it's doing a list and I want you to do this on paper, pen and paper or pencil and paper. Why on paper? Why pencil or pen? Because writing it out means more. It means more to you when you're writing it out. It's more personal when you're writing it out and it's more personal when they receive it. So what I want you to do is write down 10 things that you love about your spouse, your partner, your life, mate, 10 things that you love about them. If you can't come up with 10 right away, you don't, maybe you don't have time to do five hell even two or three would be great, but write down 10 things that you love just admire a door, um, admire about them. Say that again and, and write down why you admire them or love them for that.

(01:35):

And put that in a place that, you know, they're going to find that sometime during the day, and you know, it'll just do that every once in a while and, and change it up. It maybe it's once a month, change it up. You know, this may be the same day every month. And now, you know, maybe after a few months, we're thinking, Ooh, today's the 15th. That's normally when he, or she puts that little note somewhere where I'm going to find it right. And maybe it's hard to come up with 10 different things every single month. So do five, but write them down and just watch how that improves the relationship. Because it shows appreciation it shows, acknowledgement and go, you know, it just helps build that. Oh, excuse me. We had a good dinner tonight. Um, uh, we went to islands burgers and stuff anyway, had a good day watching a movie with the son, his girlfriend, so good, good time out there.

(02:30):

And um, so yeah, just put that in an inconspicuous, maybe it can speak to you as place where they're going to find that, you know, watch how that will build connection between the two of you. And next we've got get over the need to be right all the time. And it also couples with another thing that I read today about, you know, if you guys are at odds with each other and say that you, 90% of what you're at odds about is something they did or didn't do, or a choice they made or didn't make that is led to this argument between the two of you, but say you maybe 10% of it, maybe 20% of it, and maybe even 5% of it is your doing or not doing be the bigger person and go and say, I'm sorry. You know, I apologize. I, this is I, I own my part in this whole thing.

(03:30):

I didn't do that. I didn't do it. I should have done it. Could've done it. I put it off, blew it off. And this is a result of me not doing my part. So I apologize. What does that do that opens the door depending on the type of person you're talking to and the status of your related to stage of your relationship. But if you're both truly wanting to work on your relationship and still at that point where you're in love and you know that it can, you can get back to higher levels. Sure. It's going to open the door of vulnerability for them to say, you know what I mean, too? I totally screwed this all up. That's not the point of like, yeah, you did no, no. Put your ego edge, got out ego outside the door, right. And just be humble. You'll get more hugs and kisses by being humble than you will be by Mr. Smarty pants, miss radio all the time. Right? Let go of your need to be right all the time.

(04:29):

Hey guys, just a quick break in the action here to remind you to head out to 10 X, your relationship.com to get my free ebook, how to 10 X your relationship in one conversation. And you'll learn about the four questions you need to master to gain insight, build connection, and reignite intimacy into your relationship. Also, if you're listening to this anywhere else, besides my podcast, website, relationship fitness podcast.com, please head out there. I've got other tools and resources that you guys can check out there as well as some relationship fitness swag, thanks. And back to the exit,

(05:13):

Know what your needs are and ask for them. How do you do that? Well, maybe it might take some self-discovery of what your needs are, whether it's in bed, whether it's in communication, whether it's in financial security or financial responsibility or helping around the house or just communication, or just acknowledgment and acceptance. And this gets into understanding not only what figuring out what their love language is, but you need to figure out what your love language is are, and what your anti-love language is, so that you can communicate to them, those things to your partner, to your spouse. They're not mind readers. They're not going to understand. I mean, women are definitely a lot better at being intuitive for the most part, uh, than men. For the most part, there's always kind of that gray in between, but we're not born understanding how to have a great relationship, how to be a great communicator, how to be intuitive and just know these things about relationships.

(06:16):

It's a fricking, it's a, uh, it's scattered hunt in a way, right? I mean, you're figuring out as you go along. It's like a great mystery. So have some compassion, understanding and patience with each other, knowing that you're trying to figure this out, but be diligent and purposeful intent on figuring yourself out so that you can help your partner, your spouse, your life, mate, life partner, and understanding how to figure you out. Not from a point of, if I do that, then, then I have know how to manipulate me better. Well then you're with the wrong person. Anyway, if you're with a manipulative bastard, you know, a narcissist you're with the wrong person, but if you with the right person, they're going to appreciate you, helping to helping them to understand how to communicate to you better, how to love you better. And you return the favor by asking, Hey, how can I love you better?

(07:15):

How can I be a better spouse? How can I be a better partner to you today? And going forward, what can I do better? Right? You got to say it, you can't, you can't leave things left on said, because when you, when you hide, when you hide and be a chicken and hide behind her feelings or the thought in your head, well, they hurt my feelings with this one time. So I'm not, I'm not going there again. Can't take that. You gotta be courageous. You gotta be brave. You gotta break out of that shell and communicate and reach out, keep reaching out. Sure. It may, you know, the door may get slammed in your face a couple of times, but keep reaching out. And when they see the true wish to be connected together and the true vulnerability coming from you, then, I mean that vulnerable love breaks down.

(08:08):

So many barriers that people put around their heart and only, I would say only the most wicked. And I mean, I have a trouble with that, but the most hard-hearted resigned people will resist more so than others that vulnerable love. And if you can pick in fact, Erin and, and act on vulnerable, uh, how can I be vulnerable here? How can I be vulnerable love, unconditional love to this person that I love. You're gonna, you're gonna build that gap or not build that gap, bridge that gap. And you're going to bring them into the fold of, Hey, let's be in love together. So if you know anybody that can be served by these, and even if you know, we're doing several tips and most of, and you may get something out, all of that, or maybe none for a few days, and then just maybe one tip may like, wow, yeah, I'm going to add that into my repertoire of relationship skills and practice that and develop that into a skill, a habit that's going to benefit my relationship.

(09:14):

Just even just one thing. If you can grab that or somebody else that you know, can benefit from one little thing that can turn that relationship around or ignite that little spark and get that little coal going, that's all it takes. It just takes a little spark to build a roaring fire. And that's what this series is all about. Just building relationship fitness, igniting that spark so that we can build and create and leave a great relationship legacy so that our kids can have a better chance to have better relationships. And we can improve the world. I mean, it's going to happen. It's going to happen. And the only way it's going to happen is if we continue to do a great relationships and spread that legacy and influence people around us, not only our own family but influence other people around us about, Hey, there's a better way to have a relationship.

(10:02):

Hey guys, would you like to get more relationship? Goodness secrets you can use to help you continue leveling up your relationship. If so, head out to Amazon and get my first book seven secrets. That's the number seven, seven secrets to an extraordinary relationship. Your parents couldn't teach it. It's an awesome book. It's helping lots of people. Fan I donate 100% of the profits to charity and get my new free ebook. Have 10 X, your relationship.com in these books, you'll find many of the best tips and secrets I found to help me reconnect, regained the intimacy and keeping it high level. Also head out to join my relationship fitness, Facebook, I'm always out there doing live videos and then posting tips I find for you to use. Don't wait till your relationship is crappy to figure out how to save it or make it better. Start building your treasure chest of skillsets. Now, before it's too late. And remember you're only one conversation away from leveling up your relationship and making it unstoppable.

EP 63 - Is your relationship on the road to becoming another statistic or a positive legacy?

The importance of getting your relationship connection and level of intimacy to a state of displaying and leaving a positive legacy cannot be overstated.

The future state of our world 🌎 depends on it! 🤔🤨

That might seem pretty intense but let’s play that out a bit. One way or another your relationship with your partner is perpetuating a legacy – the question is…is it a positive or negative legacy you’re perpetuating?

In this episode, I talk about the importance of relationship legacy and relationship equity as well.

What’s the difference?

Relationship legacy is the example your relationship is displaying and the relationship habits we teach our kids, 👶👧👦 and those habits get perpetuated for generations down the road.

Relationship equity is well, I like to think of it as a fixer-upper real estate investment. Through “sweat equity” and hard work over time you’re hoping to someday reap a profit from the initial investment. 💰🤑 It’s not guaranteed you’ll make a profit nor how long it will take for the market to rise before it makes sense to sell.

Similarly, in relationships, when we put in consistent work and resist the temptation to get comfortable and then get lazy and plateau, we have a better chance of having an awesome relationship. Unlike real estate, relationship equity doesn’t have the goal to trade one partner for the other every few years 🤣 and therefore has a better chance of long-term success.

This is because since you’re in it for the long haul versus a few years like in real estate, you get more time to work on it and thus can get more returns on your investment and consistent work in and on the relationship. 🎯 That’s a key point there. Did you catch it? 👈

If you co-create an amazing relationship and build an awesome relationship legacy, you get to reap the benefits from your investment (work) many times over the span of many years 😍 and then can reap the benefits (joy) of seeing your kids in great loving well-connected relationships down the road.

Also, your relationship legacy doesn’t just affect you and your kids. It also affects those people who come in contact and observe your awesome relationship.

When they emulate your relationship habits and others copy them…voila! Your relationship is affecting the future state of the world! 🤩🥳

Take a listen and please like, comment, and share!

Remember, just one conversation can levels up your relationship!

Your Relationship Warrior coach, 💪😎

Tom

#Relationshipwarrior

#RelationshipWarriorNation

#RelationshipFitness

Connect with me:

Facebook: Relationship Fitness Facebook Page

Instagram: Relationship.Fitness

Not sure where to start your Relationship Fitness journey?

1. Begin with my FREE eBook: How To 10X Your Relationship In One Conversation
2. Get my bestselling book "7 Secrets To An Extraordinary Relationship Your Parent Couldn't Teach You" here.

P.S. Check out my new channel on Locals.com at Relationshipfitness.Locals.com where I'm posting exclusive #RelationshipFitness content you won't see or hear anywhere else.

Have you ever given an automatic negative reaction to something your spouse or one of your kids did or said and then was shocked at your reaction or the statement that came out of your mouth? 🤔🤨

I’ve been there. One day when my sons were younger, I recall one of them was asking me for something in the store and I responded with a pretty negative tone when I said “No!” 😡

I remember that word coming out of my mouth and for whatever reason was tuned into how I said it and I wondered, “Where’d that come from?” I mean it was a split-second reaction, no thought to it at all, just BAM! 😨😱

I mean, it wasn't like this crazed, yelling at him "NO!" but more of a direct, disgusted kind of "no".  Either way, it really made me think. Do I do that often? Turns out it was more than I thought but am happy to say I got good at pausing and correcting before responding. 

I remember apologizing to my son for the negative tone and that it wasn’t how I wanted to speak to him and then still told him no and why in a nicer tone. Ha-ha!  😂🤣

Though it took me a while to figure it out, I started paying more attention to my responses and worked to be slower to respond and do so more intentionally.

I came up with an acronym O.W.A. that I use to help me pause and quickly work out a properly toned response for the circumstances at hand.

It takes a bit of work to have this tool become a habit in one’s response but once you take the first step of paying attention to “how” you respond and the “tone” with which you respond you’ll be able to implement this tool with greater ease.

Give this episode a listen and the O.W.A. tool a try and you’ll see your connections and intimacy get stronger! 😍

Thanks for tuning in and please remember to LIKE, Subscribe, leave a comment, and let me know what you think of this episode, and share to help keep building stronger relationships throughout the world. 🌎🌍🌏

Remember, it only takes one conversation to level up your relationship!

Your Relationship Warrior coach, 💪😎

Tom

#Relationshipwarrior

#RelationshipWarriorNation

#RelationshipFitness

Connect with me:

Facebook: Relationship Fitness Facebook Page

Instagram: Relationship.Fitness

Not sure where to start your Relationship Fitness journey?

1. Begin with my FREE eBook: How To 10X Your Relationship In One Conversation
2. Get my bestselling book "7 Secrets To An Extraordinary Relationship Your Parent Couldn't Teach You" here.

P.S. Check out my new channel on Locals.com at Relationshipfitness.Locals.com where I'm posting exclusive #RelationshipFitness content you won't see or hear anywhere else.

One of the worst unresolved expectations that cause frustrations in multiple areas of the relationship is "They should just know." 🤔😳😏

The main cause of this in my experience is twofold:

• One person's "norm" is not the same as the other's ☝️ even though you may have a ton of things in common and didn't have any issues when you first started dating.
• One or both of you may not have the communication skills or emotional maturity 😉 to dive into what your norms are and discuss hot buttons in a sain manner

In this episode, I dive into why we have those expectation and what to do when one of our buttons 🚀 are pushed that “they should just know pisses me off!”

Thanks for tuning in and please remember to LIKE, Subscribe, leave a comment, and let me know what you think of this episode, and share to help keep building stronger relationships throughout the world. 🌎🌍🌏

Remember, it only takes one conversation to level up your relationship!

Your Relationship Warrior coach, 💪😎

Tom

#Relationshipwarrior

#RelationshipWarriorNation

#RelationshipFitness

Transcripts Below 👇👇👇

Connect with me:

Facebook: Relationship Fitness Facebook Page

Instagram: Relationship.Fitness

Not sure where to start your Relationship Fitness journey?

1. Begin with my FREE eBook: How To 10X Your Relationship In One Conversation
2. Get my bestselling book "7 Secrets To An Extraordinary Relationship Your Parent Couldn't Teach You" here.

P.S. Check out my new channel on Locals.com at Relationshipfitness.Locals.com where I'm posting exclusive #RelationshipFitness content you won't see or hear anywhere else.

P.S.S We’ll be on Spotify REAL soon!!

Transcript

EP 61 – Really? They should just know? - Transcript

(00:01):

Let me ask you a question. Have you, have you ever found yourself in a position of being offended and had in your mind that they, should just know it's just common sense that you don't say that to somebody? It's just kind of common sense! That everybody should know you don't talk about that kind of stuff.

(00:23):

I Had a situation come up in my life here recently, where that was an issue, not me, but just an experience that I was involved in. And as I was navigating through this I came to some great revelations that I thought apply, not only in "Office Space", no pun intended, but also to the movie, but also in relationships. And I talked, you know, a few video episodes ago about how you shouldn't just assume they, your spouse, your partner, your life mate, that they should know how to love you, how you want to be loved. You shouldn't just assume that. The trap that we get into is that what's common sense for us. Like, and it really comes down to our definition of what a human being is of human beings should be. We don't think in these terms generally, but the right thing to do is this, this, this, and this 1, 2, 3, 4, treat people this way.

(01:30):

Don't treat people this way, work this way. Don't do this. Do that. You know, read your Bible every day, uh, to some people that's just a no brainer, but to other people, it's not for you to assume other people recognize what's in your head as common sense is common sense for everybody that's really just a huge ego that you need to check at the door. People can't know what your hot buttons are. So that's the title of don't assume that they know how not to piss you off. So you can't assume that people know what your hot buttons are. You can't assume that people you're making an out of you and you, you can't assume that people know how not to piss you off. Now, you can kind of assume that if you've had interactions where you've already been through some strifes and troubles, and they've said something and, you blew up, um, but if you hadn't had that kind of altercation or you haven't discussed certain situations like, "Hey guys, any comments about my wife is totally fucking off-limits."

(03:01):

Don't fucking go there because that is fucking sacred to me. Don't do it." If people don't know your hot button, you are a hypocrite. If you then get pissed off, because somebody says something there's a hot button to you, but you haven't explained to them, "Hey guys, this subject is off-limits to me." Whether it's race, whether it's gender, whether it's religion, politics, you know, if you both are just on the opposite spectrum of politics and there's just no middle ground and no chance of discussing that, that subject is off the table. But how do you even know if it's not even brought up for the discussion of "I'm really just, I," and really it's a failure on your own part. If you can't discuss a subject and there's a difference between statements made by the water cooler, right? And subjects for discussion people get together. I mean, I was talking about this with a few people here and, you know, guys get together and there are certain things that guys rib each other about manhood and this and that, your man car and this and that.

(04:15):

I'm not privy to a lot of women's discussion, but a lot of women that I have talked to is that you know, there's trash talk and there's talk about sex. There's talk about this and that and size and all that. And just all that other kind of stuff, right? I'm often told that girls a lot more naughty in their talks with each other than guys are with each their, each other. You know what I'm saying? But the point here is that you can't assume that somebody knows how not to piss you off. And why is that? So you get, so the benefit that I have of having a career in the Navy is that in the Navy, just like America, it's like a great melting pot on a ship, on a submarine, which I was on. Submarines have smaller crews, you know, a hundred and fifty, to a hundred fifty-five people.

(05:02):

And on carriers. I mean, you're talking about 4,500 to 5,000 people like a small city, but in these groups, you have a great melting pot of people, different dialects, different backgrounds, different classes, if you will, of income, those kinds of things, and different ideas, different thoughts, different ideologies, but they all have to come together to be one unit to make sure that the mission of this ship happens. And if people are constantly striving, not that fights don't happen or arguments don't happen or feelings and people don't get butt hurt on a ship, but you learn that people coming from different aspects of life have different ways of thinking, have different ways of looking at life, different mentalities, about money, about everything. And you have to figure out a way to coexist with each other and get the mission done. And it's the same thing in a relationship and an office environment in

(06:05):

that you're coming from different perspectives, different circles of influence, where in your circle, things are just not said, because they're sacred, right? You just don't say those kinds of things about people. You may jest with each other, about other people's family, other people's immediate family members. You don't jest about those things. You don't, I mean, other than a positive. And so here's the thing. So in my world, one of my buddies may say, dude, that girl you're dating is really, really hot. And I'm like, I know. I know, right!?. But to somebody else that could be disrespectful, but you don't know because in your world it's a compliment. Like, thanks, dude. Yeah, I know. Right. But in somebody else's world, It's like a threat an insult of, I intend to take that person away from you. I think she's hot. I mean, you read all into all this shit that goes on in your head.

(07:05):

So the point that I want to make tonight, I got all these notes here. People just don't know because you're all traveling in your own circles. They just don't know what your hot buttons are. They don't know what your sacred things are that are not to be discussed, are not to be kidded about, are not to be poked. And you know, guys and gals, when we're in our groups, we there's a certain, uh, poking if you will, of, of chastising of not chastising, but hazing of each other. Right. There's just a camaraderie. I mean, me and my buddy, we go hiking every weekend and there's, there's a certain amount of hazing that goes on between. I mean, it was just kind of a fun thing. Just it's maybe it's sick, but there's a certain amount of bantering back and forth that's just kind of a thing between us.

(07:54):

Right. And it just makes me laugh. Right. Because, but that's our perspective. That's our world. Somebody else hearing that conversation would be like, "you two are some sick fucks," right? But the point is that you can't assume that people know what your hot buttons are. You can't assume that people know what's going to piss you off. And so your, yes, your duty, your responsibility is if somebody says something to you or you hear something, say something, somebody says something about your family or you or somebody in your family or a subject that you find is a hot button for you. Maybe you didn't know that it was a hot button, but maybe you're having a bad day. And you're like, I'm going to, okay, we're going out in the parking lot is time to, you know, kick some ass. Your responsibility is not to blow up and go off-kilter and start making statements that are inflammatory about "You better not fuckin' say that again or I'm gonna take you out in the parking lot and kick your ass.

(09:02):

This person is probably going like, whoa, what I say in my circle, this is a normal kind of bantering. And you're whoa, what the hell? I mean, we're all kind of bantering back and forth. And now all of a sudden, there's this thing going on, where it's like, holy shit! HR is involved and all this kind of stuff, but your responsibility is of avoiding hypocrisy, right? Avoiding being a hypocrite is, or a, you know, get your ego out of the way is to approach the person. Hey, I mean, you're on a team, right? And most people on the same team, there's not a lot of, at least in my world. There's not a lot of people intentionally trying to push people down and salt people and demean people, and, you know, just thrash people, I'm just not surrounded by those kinds of people. It's all about the energy your putting out, but a segue, but I'm getting better.

(10:05):

So, squirrel! So your responsibility in those kinds of situations is to be the big person to not succumb, to fear, not succumb to anger. And why I say fear is because if you go approach somebody and say, "Hey, this is a vulnerability of mine. This is what I heard you say. And about me, about my spouse, about my kids," about whatever in your world that is not okay for people to talk about it is on you to go up and talk to them and say, "I know you probably didn't mean it, but this is the way the statement was taken by me." And I'm kind of paraphrasing, generalizing your own words, whatever. "But when I hear this, it inflamed me.

(10:49):

So I'm going to ask you not to talk about that in reference to me, or even in general," even kind of statements about, I mean, you know, there's feminists out there that any kind of statement, and it can get just kind of crazy legalistic, right? I mean, you can offend anybody by saying anything that can be totally benign by an I nine, 9.9 9 9, 9, 9, 9% of the world. But one person decides that I'm going to take offense to that. We're not talking about those kinds of people. We're talking about and, and you know, to those kinds of people, I say, get your head out of your ass and stop being a snowflake. I said it, there it's out.

(11:29):

But the point is is if you're offended by something, somebody says, especially when it comes close to heart approach, the people, the person with, "Hey, this was said, this is how I feel about it. This is how I took it. And I just want to let you know that it is a very big hot button for me. I'd really appreciate it if you don't talk about this in this way or say these kinds of things, because it really just, it's a, it's a sore spot for me."

(11:55):

Now, the fear of doing that, of going in and confronting somebody is your fear that there's going to be this backlash of "Well you did this! You said this, and fuck you!" right? Sure. There's a risk of that happening. But what you've done there is you given the olive branch and you don't want to be like, "Hey motherfucker! Don't say this shit again about my wife, because I will take you out in the office and kick your ass. I will come home and have a little bit of" whatever, right. Or come back to the office or whatever.

(12:25):

You don't want to approach it like that. And sure, you may get that backlash, but you extended the olive branch. You said, "Hey, I know you didn't mean to do this" and come and in an unalarming situation or an alarming kind of posture. Right. And attitude. "I know you probably didn't mean to say it this way, or you didn't know but this is a bad situation. There's a hotbed" yadda yadda yadda. What you do there is you inform you open things up and people don't want to be opened up that people don't want to be vulnerable because you think if you expose in some situations, this is true. You expose a vulnerability and the next thing you know, everybody in the room is teasing you about your vulnerability. I think in this day and age, most people like, "Oh, shit dude. I'm sorry. I didn't, I didn't even know.

(13:15):

You know, I was just kind of, I thought we were just kind of having fun. I Apologize. Let's hug it out." Right. Let's bro-hug it out and you know, fist bump or whatever and okay, Hey, we'll get it. Now. I know, you know, this is how, you know, we liked each other. Like, you know, I mean, you get what I'm getting at there. I think, right. That when we assume that people know what is our hot buttons and they should just know because, in your world, we don't talk about those things. We don't talk about those things because it pisses people off and it's a sensitive issue. You cannot assume that somebody else knows that about you and your world. You just can't. I mean, that's just the biggest ego in the world to assume you just, everybody knows your world and knows your hot buttons. So it's really just time to check your ego at the door and understand that nobody can read your fucking mind.

(14:14):

You know, and even if you've been working with somebody for years, you can't just assume that they know everything about you and all your hot buttons and your sensitivities and those kinds of things, but be the bigger person, be the man, be the woman and approach the person say, "Hey, again, this is my hot button. Please don't do it. This is why this", you know, just communicate. And what this really gets to is when we explode, when somebody says something and we explode, we forget the need to be caring, compassionate, understanding, and patient with each other. We see, you know, the absence of this is what happens is what's occurring. When we see road rage what's occurring. When we see violent reactions to what some people may see as a benign act or a benign statement, those kinds of things. But when we keep in mind to be caring, compassionate, understanding, and patient that people make mistakes, nobody is perfect.

(15:21):

We're all human. Then we can have that perspective and, tie this all to your relationship. Then, yeah, they may have fucked up in your mind, but in their mind, they didn't do anything wrong. So you've got to communicate why it is a “wrong” to you and your relationship and your perception of your relationship with this person so that they understand. So that we have an understanding between the two of us, the three of us the four of us. So we have an understanding of where each other is coming from. If we, if you don't give that person the opportunity to understand where you're coming from, how can you judge them? Because they can't read your mind. They can't understand where you're coming from and why it's important to you unless you are okay unless you have the ovaries or the balls to take up the mantle and go, not beat them over the head with it, but to go and olive branch [reaching out with my hand], right, take the mantle, the olive branch and go up and explain why it's an issue for you.

(16:25):

So hopefully that serves y'all tonight. Hopefully, that makes some sense. And I encourage you guys to continue to go out there and be loving kind patient and generous because that's what you need to do to build a relationship fitness. And you build relationship fitness and take your, your relationship to a higher level than you can enjoy and prosper and be fulfilled in and that leads to building a relationship legacy that you enjoy and your kids learn from and your grandkids learn from, and everybody else that experiences your relationship. So relationship fitness relationship legacy, it's important. Your example is important. Your actions, your words, your thoughts are all important. That's what I got for you. Tonight. Send people this way that can use this advice it's not just what I'm learning in my life and my relationships, but when I'm pulling from different sources, bringing together into one place so that you can get at least one, just one tip and get an idea that can help be the catalyst to change your relationship for the better, or just take it up a different notch and be more connected with each other. Let me know what you think. Let me know if any of this is helping you and any successes that you've had or lessons of your own, and you can share that other people can benefit from. Leave a comment below, and we'll see you next time. Bye-bye.

Today’s episode is all about working to create an environment in which you’re able to bring up sensitive topics and not have a blowout argument over it or get your head bit off, figuratively of course. Ha-ha! 😜

Let’s say you’re husband or boyfriend says something, does something, or doesn’t do something that is typically a hot button for you and your first thought is… ”Now he should know that pisses me off, why did he do that!?” 🤬 or…

Your girl says something that makes you think she’s insulting you “manhood.” 😡

Take a listen to this one and you’ll find out a great way to better handle these situations! 😀

I get into why you want this type of environment and how to do it based partially on a great book I recently finished: “I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships” by Michael S. Sorensen.

It’s a great read and Michael gives a good number of specific words to say from both the giver and receiver roles, which I know I can definitely benefit from. 😇😂🤣

Thanks for tuning in and please remember to LIKE, Subscribe, leave a comment, and let me know what you think of this episode, and share to help keep building stronger relationships throughout the world. 🌎🌍🌏

Remember, it only takes one conversation to level up your relationship!

Your Relationship Warrior coach, 💪😎

Tom

#Relationshipwarrior

#RelationshipWarriorNation

#RelationshipFitness

#Ihearyou

 #michaelssorensen

Transcripts Below 👇👇👇

Connect with me:

Facebook: Relationship Fitness Facebook Page

Instagram: Relationship.Fitness

Not sure where to start your Relationship Fitness journey?

1. Begin with my FREE eBook: How To 10X Your Relationship In One Conversation
2. Get my bestselling book "7 Secrets To An Extraordinary Relationship Your Parent Couldn't Teach You" here.

P.S. Check out my new channel on Locals.com at Relationshipfitness.Locals.com where I'm posting exclusive #RelationshipFitness content you won't see or hear anywhere else.

P.S.S We’ll be on Spotify REAL soon!!

Transcrips:

(00:35):

Hoodoo, hootdooteedoo, hooteedoo, hooteedoo...(Singing) Hey, you guys Tom with you here today, and have you ever kind of wondered what are some of the foundational skillsets that you gotta get ahold of or develop in order to have a great relationship? Of course, you have, or you wouldn't be here or you wouldn't be searching or you wouldn't be looking, you know, that kind of thing. So tonight, real quick, we're gonna talk about a few things. This is kind of a continuing theme this week of some stuff that I was gone through, working through with the team and that kind of thing, throughout the week, but just the influences coming into my life this week about the whole communication piece. And the first piece I want to talk about tonight is creating an environment in your household, in your relationship, such that you're creating.

(01:24):

And I've got notes here, obviously create an environment where you're creating trust and trust in the manner of not that you guys are going to be faithful to each other. That's very, very important, but an environment of trust that you can both communicate freely without fear of ridicule, without fear of explosiveness, those kinds of things. So how do you get there? Well, you be caring, kind, understanding patient with each other, empathetic with each other. Listen, really, truly listen to each other, give each other your presence, and give each other the time to speak. And we talked about before, you know, when you come home, she's probably going to need 20 minutes, or he's probably going to need 20 minutes to kind of vent about the day and the kids and those kinds of things. It depends on who's the stay-at-home parent. And you want to really embrace those times.

(02:24):

You want to be all in during those times and let your partner know that your time together, having these kinds of communication and dialogue is important to you so that you will continue to encourage them to want to talk to you want to speak with, you want to vent to you and want to trust that they can come to you with anything. I mean, it's great to do that during the easy times, right? But the real test is how you react, how you act and react during the times when the company was something a little tough, you know, about a life change that they're going through, or maybe a health issue, or, you know, just maybe they're in a rut and they need, they need you to help pull them up out of that. Now, having said that you can't, you can't expect your partner to heal you.

(03:22):

And the irony is, is that typically the people that we attract into our life are a match for how we're feeling or the things that we're going through in our lives, our mental energies that are going out there into the world. And sometimes those people we attract into our lives and we ended up falling in love with and have a relationship with really aren't the best match for us long-term. They're filling a void there, match, you know, they're how shall I say they are a match right? To the energy that you're putting out and it may not necessarily be the answer to what you need. And what I mean by this is if you're a person that's on a path of growth and sure this person may compliment the challenges that you're going through, but what happens when you grow through those challenges and they've helped you, I mean, there's, there's all different kinds of variables. So this stuff gets really deep, but you know, they, they can be the person that's helping you grow through that. But now that you've changed and they still have the mindset of they're being who they are. Right. And it was a matter of helping you get through whatever you're getting through. And now you're past that.

(04:31):

Then what? Well, you got to continue to heal thyself, physician, but maybe that's the time. Well, not maybe, but definitely the time where it's important to have that open, free communication and vulnerability of communication type atmosphere, to be able to come to each other and, and voice about how things are changing for you internally and mentally, physically, spiritually, these kinds of things. It all ties together. You have to foster the environment to allow free speech free, I know that's real political these days, but free speech and share, share without fear, be able to come to each other and share without fear. If you foster that then when the hard things come like, Hey, I'm changing. Hey, I want to, the kids are off to school. I want to go back to work. Or the kids are old enough. They're in school. I'm going to go back to work during the day. You know? And, and the other spouse is like, well, what about dinner? Who's going to be home to cook dinner for me when I get home, right. And that's real old close to us there. But you know that that's the importance of fostering that atmosphere of free speech and freely talking with each other and communicating and bonding in those areas. So the other piece to that is when you're talking and you're discussing, especially when you're discussing something that, you know, one of you has benefited or feelings hurt those kinds of things. You've to separate the facts or the feelings from the facts.

(06:02):

Because if you're dealing with the feelings, that's very, very hard to get through. If you can't separate your feelings, it's very, very hard to get through the situation because you're hurt and you're, you're, you're wounded, right? But if you keep focusing on that versus, "Hey, this is what happened." "This is how I feel about it." But this is what happened. "This is how I would like to see a change", or "This needs to change you can't do this again", kind of a thing, or "This behavior needs to change" "The way you speak to me needs to change." That's the things that you focus on the facts and the feelings will take care of themselves when the facts can be dealt with, and you can change those things. You can do whatever, do whatever you need to change. So that those facts that happened, don't become facts in the future.

(06:52):

Do you see what I'm saying? The change happens. It, it diffuses the hurt feelings because there can be now comfort in that, “Okay things are going to change. I can see the change is happening. I don't have to fear that that's going to happen anymore." And really that's the biggest challenge we have in relationships is fear. Fear of sharing, fear, being open, fear of being vulnerable, fear of negative reciprocity, a big word for this late in the day. And fear of change, fear of loss, fear of judgment. Those are all so many, you know, fear of ridicule, right? So many of those things are the ruin of so many great relationships.

(07:33):

So, guys, I want to jump back on the horse for this one for a little bit, ha-ha...jump back on the horse... And clarify a bit about what I was talking about before, which I, after I recorded this and sort of listened to it again, I thought yeah...I wasn't really clear. So I want to clarify about, you got to deal with the facts. Not so much the emotions. I muddied that up. Muddied, muddled, muddied, and muddled, but not muggled. Well, maybe it was my muggled. I don't know. So you got to deal with kind of the facts and the feelings differently. You definitely want to find out what are the actual facts of what happened, whether it's something that happened between you two, something, you did something she did, you know, get the facts of what actually happened. And you also want to acknowledge, listen, listen, empathetically, right?

(08:26):

And with empathy, you don't have to agree necessarily with the way they feel or why they feel the way they do. You may, it may be in your best interest. It just depends on; there are so many variables there again. And you're either, you're either on the recipient, right, of this, maybe venting or this giving feedback, or just, you know, giving somebody a chance to maybe it's a friend that just needs to be feel, um, maybe it's a friend that just needs to be heard, you know, about what's going on in their lives, but you want to acknowledge, you know, how they feel. You don't necessarily need to agree with why or how they feel, but say like, say like you said, something kind of flippant to your spouse and you know, the best way to approach these kinds of conversations. And I talk about this one, a couple of different times, a good way to approach something where you're upset about something your spouse did or didn't do or said, or didn't say is, is to come at it like something I learned from a website that I, that I listened to. I don't know what that article that I read and the way she approached it with her husband is like, "You know, honey, the story I've got going on in my head right now about why you did what you did is this." If I remember correctly, she caught it before she started really getting, just letting it get to her. She chose to deal with it quickly and say, "You know", so we'll just call him Bob, "Bob, the story I've got going on in my head right now about why you did what you just did right there is" XYZ. "And before I let it upset me, I wanted to see, do I have that right?" Or maybe, maybe I think I messed up. Not "before I let it upset me." Cause that's kind of like an ultimatum.

(10:22):

Like you better get this. Right. He better get this. Right. But just don't, don't assign emotion to it. Right? It's "The story I've got going on in my head right now about why you did what you did is this...Is that the way you meant it?" So you keep emotion out of it, right? You, you address it and don't let it fester, right and coming up with all these stories that come from your childhood from just like your subconscious about why they must have, because you'll get there, you'll get there. You'll get there in lickitty-split time sometimes. Like, and then you're enraged. And then you're in attack mode instead of okay, acknowledging this happened. And this is if you're the one being upset, acknowledge, okay, "Here's what happened. Here's how I'm interpreting. Here's a story I'm telling in my head about the facts. As I know them, let me see if that's what they meant."

(11:19):

Then you give that person the opportunity to go like, "Whoa, no, that's not how I meant that." But also it gives an opportunity of discovery that you know of like, "Okay, wow. Cause that kind of triggered me because of" this, this and this "in my childhood", you know, "that's kind of a button for me" that gives that person, the other person opportunity of going "Okay, well that's not how I meant it", but that doesn't matter how you meant it. Right. What you need to acknowledge is that that is a button for her. And she sensitive to that. Now that also gives her an opportunity and both of you kind of an opportunity of like you do it again. It's like, "Ooh, I'm sorry. I know that's a button for you. I'm working on it. I'm trying", right.

(12:01):

But the whole, so I feel statements or the, you know, I feel when you do this and I know it can kind of seem cheesy and clinical, but trust me, your, your subconscious, the amygdala is on guard. It's the whole fear and flight thing. It's real. You got, if you approach this language in and I recommend, I think I've mentioned it on the podcast before, but the book by, I got this book listed on my website. You can get it from my website, but by Michael S Sorensen, "I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships." It's really good. It's pretty short. And he, he really lays it out really well that's easily understood. You know, why? You know, like the first chapter is like, why you want to get good at this because you want to have a great relationship. You don't want to be attacked every time.

(12:55):

You'd. I mean, I think those guys probably do more things, harebrained things that get us in trouble than women. But ha-ha that's just my opinion, alright. So, you know, "I feel when you do this, it makes me feel this", but you know, separate the facts, knowledge, what happened, acknowledged that they, they feel this way. Then, you know, validate that emotion. "I understand this is how you feel" and you got to get good at that conversation too. Right? It's like, okay. "So what I hear you saying", and this is really the only time you want to use “you” statements, right? I feel statements not "You made me feel this way" because I mean, are you in charge of your emotions? Very often, that's not necessarily the case, right? Depending on how much work you've done.

(13:45):

A lot of triggers can trigger off that. And I, did I read, I think I read correctly the amygdala and that area, the brain is where the emotions come from and they just fire off man, those emotions. That's what you got to do this work. So I know I'm kind of rambling there, but listen empathetically, just to recap, separate the facts. What happened? Slow down. Don't go to attack mode. "Hey, you know, honey, when you do this, the story I got going on in my I head", or "When you did that, the story I got going on in my head." Yeah. I feel statements. Not you statements when you're, when you're asking about it, unless it's, you know, the response, right. It's like, okay. So "When I did that, if I understand you correctly when I did that, it makes you feel this way" or "it makes you think that way and that's a button for you."

(14:33):

Or that, "That hurts your feelings". And then really it gets back to Navy communications. Like the transmitter transmits the message, the receiver confirms the message by repeating it back. And then the transmitter says yes or no, that is correct. And then you go back and forth or okay, we're done. So, but another thing I like to take from this too, is when you, and why it's important to handle it quickly is because just like a grant Cardone and his, his wife, Elena does is, she's strategic? Like if it's a serious thing that they want to talk about and it could be emotional, she doesn't approach him with things that she wants to talk to him about that could, could be a little emotional or could, you know, could get the ruffles feathers, ruffles, feathered? Feathers, ruffled. She'll feed him first. Cause you feel better after you eat, right. You're generally in a better mood unless you got stuffed, but you're generally in a better mood and emotions are lower when you've ate. So it's a good time to eat no other distractions, you know, like maybe it's after dinner, you know, the kids are settled in whatever you guys got time to really focus on each other, no TV, no sports. You're focusing on each other to talk about the issue. Right? Okay.

In today’s episode, I talk about an equation I came up with that determines how successful 😍 or unsuccessful 😝 a relationship is and, how long it will last and what kind of legacy it leaves.

I came up with this little gem, (W x RS) / D = RL, driving to the office one day while in some deep contemplation. You can see details about the Relationship Fitness equation below in the full transcript.

The way to look at this equation is the more effort you put into each variable on the top and the more you work to eliminate or better deal with the D, the better and stronger the outcome. The less you put into W and D or unable to properly deal with D, the weaker the outcome.

Thanks for tuning in and please remember to LIKE, Subscribe, leave a comment and let me know what you think of this episode, and Share to help keep building stronger relationships throughout the world. 🌎🌍🌏

Remember, it only takes one conversation to level up your relationship!

Your Relationship Warrior coach, 💪😎

Tom

#Relationshipwarrior

#RelationshipWarriorNation

#RelationshipFitness

Transcripts Below 👇👇👇

Connect with me:

Facebook: Relationship Fitness Facebook Page

Instagram: Relationship.Fitness

Not sure where to start your Relationship Fitness journey?

1. Begin with my FREE eBook: How To 10X Your Relationship In One Conversation
2.  

Get my bestselling book "7 Secrets To An Extraordinary Relationship Your Parent Couldn't Teach You" here.

P.S. Check out my new channel on Locals.com at Relationshipfitness.Locals.com where I'm posting exclusive #RelationshipFitness content you won't see or hear anywhere else.

P.S.S We’ll be on Spotify REAL soon!!

Transcript

(00:01):

“What?... The Relationship Fitness Equation? What are you talking about? We're relegating relationships to math and equations now...?” Ha-ha! Well, kinda. I was reviewing some of these videos that I shot while driving and some stuff that kind of archival, right. That I thought, yeah, that can really apply, you know, this good kind of thing. But I came upon a video that I did.

(01:33):

while I was driving and just kind of practice in the videos and that kind of stuff about the Relationship Equation. And there's more to it. I need to find the other video because I kind of forgot what the hell was going on there. But the equation gets to, work times relationship skillsets equals, oh, there's an equals here, it equals relationship longevity/legacy. But what you got working against you, is the drama, the stresses in life. The mathematicians out there can tell me if this even works out mathematically, I don't know. It's been 30 plus years since I did trigonometry. So, bear with me here. It's the concepts here not the mathematical piece of it.

The Relationship Fitness Equation:

(W x RS) / D = RL

W = Work

RS = Relationship Skills

D = Drama, complacency, other life stressors

RL = Relationship Longevity/Legacy

So, you know, the work that you put in, right? And the relationships skill sets, you're developing determine to a large extent, and there's always variables, right? There's always variables you can throw in there that, that equation, they can just totally screw the whole thing up. I never liked to paint a broad brush when it comes to humanity, um, classes, or, you know what I mean? Our government wants to try and do that, right? Paint, broad brushes. Like this group that, this group that, we need to treat this group this way, and that group that way, it's just such bullshit. Just treat people like human beings.

(03:12):

The challenge there is, this is a different video subject but..., our definition of what a human being is, is not always a good one. And we fail to see that our definition of human being, what we think we should be living life like; it's not what everybody else thinks. Anyway. So, but the challenge right, is the drama, the challenges, the stresses, the challenges, all these things that come into your world, whether you are inviting them or allowing them. What are some examples?

(03:47):

So you're married, things are great. “The honeymoon, oh my God it was so perfect!” But then kids come along and you know, this challenged me when the boy's, mom and I had our first son, I was this..., I like to think I was this happy go, lucky guy and just not a care in the world, you know, we're partying, we were having fun, but she became pregnant. Life got serious. And I got serious and this, you know, kind of flippant kind of sarcastic guy who just, you know, lived in the moment, disappeared on her. And I got very serious. I got very like I've got to make sure that this kid's life is going to be great. And you know, we're gonna make sure we provide just like very serious. And that was a big turnoff for her, but that's just kind of an example. Right? So what you really gotta be careful of, you gotta be careful of making sure you're putting in the work.

(04:52):

Don't get complacent. You can never get complacent. The moment you start getting complacent and there's different time periods that, that happens the first time you have sex, especially if it's early, you know, you get engaged, you get married. There are different levels, different milestones, if you will, when in a relationship where you start feeling more and more secure, you start feeling more and more comfortable like, okay, I can relax. They are not going to leave me because now we're engaged. They're not going to leave me. They're not going to stray away because now we're married. They're for sure not going to leave me now because we have a house and a mortgage so I can relax. I don't have to work as hard, but that is the very slippery, I mean, very slippery slope to relationship hell! Because when you start decreasing the work, right, you start decreasing the relationship legacy and longevity.

(05:57):

I mean, you can just throw all kinds of names at this stuff, write it down, put it in your equation, put it in your journal. What work are you doing? What relationship skillsets are you building? Are you continuing to explore? Are you continuing to learn and strengthen? You got to keep doing it because just like I did, um, the podcast about the relationship the skills of relationship equity, they're never in your favor because this is always working against you. The drama in life, the stresses in life is always working against you. And there's so many different variables you can plug into this bottom piece. You know, you may have a mother-in-law that you're just not good enough for my son, or that kind of thing is out there and actually happens. And there are actually statistics out there that mothers-in-law are one of the leading causes of relationships breaking up because of the meddling, because of the bullshit that they bring and in-laws, and anyway, you know what I'm saying, if you've been there, you know what I'm saying?

(07:04):

So, and having said that, it's kind of weird. I know, but the boy's mom, even though we're not together, you know, um, she put together a dinner at Bucca di Beppo's with her dad, her brother, and all the kids involved and me, and, you know, it was about the kids about setting an example for the kids that, you know, what we can be divorced. We can not be together and still get along and have a father's day celebration and laugh. And you know, even if I was, you know, engaged, dating, married, I would have been there. Right?

Because it's all about the kids and setting the relationship legacy that, you know what, mom and dad are not together, but we could still be, you know, engaging with each other and fostering an overall great family environment. Weird...I know against the norms of society - You gotta be f'ing enemies. You can never associate together, but that really f's up your kids. Okay?

(08:15):

So the more you can embrace the fact that you're still, co-parents. The more, you can embrace the fact that they still love each of you, unless you've twisted that shit to where they hate one of you. But my goal with my boys is to make sure that they know that we both love them. And that I respect her because she is their mother and she did go nine months. And I think with the younger one a little longer, uh, so you oh here a little more, :) but the whole thing here is, getting back to the equation. There's always going to be drama.

There's not always going to be work. There's not always going to be work because we get complacent, we get comfortable. So you have to never, ever, ever get comfortable in your relationship. You always have to understand that you have to do the work. You have to work on your relationship skills. So you can attain relationship longevity and leave a great relationship legacy for your kids and your grandkids and great-grandkids.

(09:21):

Because I'm telling you, you can look it up. There are stats, there are studies, it's scientific that kids pick up relationship skills from their environment and perpetuate that. And you can see that. Divorced families have divorced families have divorced families, dysfunctional families have dysfunctional families, have dysfunctional families. It's just the way it is. Change that shit around. Do something to change then be the, be the breaking point in your family to change direction.

(10:00):

That's all I got tonight. Hope that serves you guys hope that kind of rattles your brain. Like, “Holy crap! I need to change some stuff!” or “You know, we're doing okay but man, you know, I can see that we could turn out to be like our parents. And that wasn't pretty when I was a kid. So I don't want my kids to go through that shit.” Right? So there we go. I just acknowledged in my mind the fact that I keep saying “right”, but it's just haaa, you know, whatever!

(10:28):

So go out there, be loving kind patient, and generous and build relationship fitness because it is so important to not only your own family and building that relationship and setting that relationship legacy in your own relationship, but in your kids and grandkids. But it also affects those around you. It also affects the people you encounter, how they see you treat each other, whether it's your nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, mom, and dad.

I mean your relationship with a great relationship legacy, a great relationship fitness can impact the world. The butterfly effect. That's just the way it is. People will learn from your great examples. So please do what it takes to have a great relationship, do what it takes to continually build, and not be lazy. Don't get complacent, be loving kind, patient generous, and build that relationship fitness.

Have you ever had a morning where you and your spouse wake up at the same time and start going thru your normal morning routine and you can tell something is off with them?

You ask what is wrong and she tells you in a hurtful voice " I had a bad dream and you hurt my feelings and I'm mad at you!" 🤬 😤

"Wait a minute..." you say. "You're mad at me because of a dream?" 🤔🤨😲

Crazy I know, but this actually happened to me several times. 

I had to work for several hours to get the wife to detach from the dream and get her calmed down - it was a really bad dream so it really hurt her a lot. 

I've also had arguments with her in my head. How? Why? 😇

I'd remember some argument we had and start to ruminate about it and start thinking how I'd handle it differently. I'd get all worked up and then reality would hit me in the face and realize how silly I was being.

Anything like this happen to you?

Whether yes or no, you're going to want to tune in to this week's episode to hear what I have to say about it and what I've learned since those times! 👍🤟

Remember, You’re only one conversation away from leveling up your relationship. Get to talking today! 😇

Tom,

#RelationshipWarrior

#RelationshipWarriorNation

Get my bestselling book "7 Secrets To An Extraordinary Relationship Your Parent Couldn't Teach You" here.

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P.S. Check out my new channel on Locals.com at Relationshipfitness.Locals.com where I'm posting exclusive #RelationshipFitness content you won't see or hear anywhere else.

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