The difference between Republicans and Democrats is that Republicans will kill a million Palestinians and say they’re doing it so Jesus will come back, whereas Democrats will kill a million Palestinians while making noises with their mouths like “ceasefire” and “two-state solution”.

That’s basically it; one does an evil thing in an evil way, while the other does the same evil thing in a much more photogenic way. Republicans want to kill Muslims for evil reasons like claiming they’re all terrorists and irredeemable heathens, while Democrats want to kill Muslims for nice guy reasons like helping Israel defend itself and bringing peace and stability to the region. They both want to kill middle eastern civilians, but one of them will kill middle eastern civilians in ways that let liberals feel good about themselves.

It’s just a classic good-cop, bad-cop routine. One plays your friend and the other plays your enemy, depending on what end of America’s fake ideological divide you happen to land on. But really they both want the same thing — in this case to murder people around the world with total impunity without sparking domestic unrest.

Reading by Tim Foley.