Romancing Nancy Drew

In which Nancy hunts for Elon Musk, but only catches a Sea Org member! Carson is investigating an eccentric inventor who is using his weird creative genius in two ways: perfecting a murder robot and swindling people by “selling” them land on reservations (of course). Elon has a weird unsettling house surrounded by a moat with water that can catch on fire, staffed by said murderbot. Nancy and Carson also take a side quest to Arizona and decide that indigenous people on reservations DO have it rough, y’all.

Carson receives an unsolicited Turkish prayer rug with a secret message woven into the design, asking him to bring a mannequin. Carson’s client Farouk had a Turkish rug shop in town that had a mannequin in the window, so it seems related, and Nancy and her friends set off to find Farouk and the mannequin. Nancy also saves a toddler from drowning in a river, and Bess remains on brand as a perfume enthusiast. Togo gets to battle with an intruder. There’s a romantic Nancy/Ned picnic! No skulls, though, so at least there’s that.

Nancy is again in need of enrichment in her enclosure, so a bunch of married swingers take her and her entourage on a ghost busting adventure, to FIVE creepy destinations. The last is a house full of HUMAN (and animal) SKULLS, so they weren’t wrong on that. Ned gets kidnapped and Nancy is nearly intentionally drowned! There’s just a lot going on!!!

In which everyone hits up Padre Island for Spring Break! Nancy’s invited there by her camp buddy Mercedes (Selena Gomez), who is dating disaster himbo Buck (Ryan Hansen), and the Hardys (themselves) decide to crash this tender, hormone-flooded reunion. Ned is there too, and there are SEVERAL make out sessions AND banging opportunities for my OTP, so I am one happy narrator for this pirate treasure romp. They also discover a corpse, natch, because if you invite Nancy Drew, you need to just plan for corpses.

In which Nancy goes undercover as a candy striper (Ned is VERY INTERESTED in her cute li’l outfit) to discover who has it out for Ned’s doctor friend Trevor (Ryan Gosling with Barbie-movie hair). Trevor’s fiancé April (Pelican Brief era Julia Roberts in one of those bad wigs) is upset because her sick father’s prognosis isn’t great, and then he dies! Did Trevor do it? Was it natural causes? Will we ever find that corpse??? Guest stars are Jeremy Piven, Parker Posey, and Giovanni Ribisi.

Nancy, who needs enrichment in her habitat, is persuaded (ridiculously easily) to follow up on the faintest clue in the three year old disappearance of a hot rock star (John Stamos). Bess persuades veejay Luke from General Hospital to sponsor Nancy’s improv murder-mystery destination vacation at his MTV-lite station. L Ron also appears as the channel president with mutton chop sideburns, and Tawny Kitaen has a fun cameo. Lots about “just because we can, should we?” and “how much do we owe Byronic heroes?”

Nancy, who REFUSES to acknowledge that people die when she gets involved in politics, is helping sudden political enthusiast George volunteer for a local politician’s re-election campaign when she overhears a conspiracy to commit murder. They arrive too late to stop it, and the sole clue leads them to a construction site. Nancy ends up helping an immigrant who forged his identity find out who’s blackmailing him, because just like in Clue in the Diary, when the hardworking reluctant lawbreaker is white, Nancy will do a solid. Ned’s letterman jacket makes a cameo. Also, ya girl is a total boss at pool!

Ned takes Nancy on a road trip to an exclusive private college to meet his hot, wealthy childhood bestie (Chris Evans), but he’s injured before they see him. Nancy has to discover who would hurt Captain America, why Bryce Dallas Howard is apparently plotting her murder, and how to bang Ned on every available surface (probably?). So many computers! So little time! (Misogyny was the villain all along!)

A friend of a friend slides into Nancy’s DMs hoping Nancy can track down whoever is sending creepy notes indicating a yacht death 5 years ago wasn’t an accident. Nancy heads out to paradise to get threatened with a spear gun like at least five times, judo chop a beret-wearing hothead, and literally choke out Jared Leto. She also makes brief but meaningful besties with a great white shark. Strap in, aspiring marine biologists!

Colonialism ahoy! But first, Ned-napping! Nancy and her entourage are planning to join an Emerson trip to East Africa (I KNOW) when Ned goes missing. He’s recovered in time for the trip, and Nancy has two mysteries to solve: why someone is claiming an artificially created sapphire with a spider embedded inside was STOLEN from a guy who had a naturally-occurring one, AND the ultimate fate of a missing safari guide. Also, George may or may not develop a crush on a girl after Bess gives said girl a 90s teen movie makeover. Near death experiences all around!