Romancing Nancy Drew

In which Carson falls for a sexy older* lady! (*Older than Nancy, which is a relief!) Nancy and Carson are taking a cruise to Rio for Carnival and to catch up with one of Carson’s old friends when they run into the widow in question (Isabella Rossellini, an absolute smoke show). Nancy is enduring the thoroughly unwelcome attentions of the assistant cruise director slash part time exotic dancer and trying to find out who is threatening the sexy widow and Nancy herself. Ned shows up to be the hero we both deserve AND need. It’s delightful. (Also, always use protection, Jon Hamm!!!)

The superlative no one wants!!! The Notorious NBG plus Ned is invited to a high school reunion hosted by the head cheerleader, which kicks off a string of robberies/mean-spirited pranks. Nancy investigates and nearly gets infected with typhus. She’s Final Girl-ing it!!! I love to see it!

In which Nancy helps Richard Branson get out of an Ocean’s Eleven setup. A handsome movie-studio heir was storing a Napoleon miniature in Branson’s hotel vault when it went up in flames! Nancy has to find the perp and avoid bad hotel publicity. With cameos from a college professor cat lady who lives on a houseboat and a rugged lumberjack with the improbable name Chad, to a legit sheik (not Duncan!!!), this club has it all, including a LITERAL dumpster fire.

In which Nancy falls into an absolute hot mess involving Steve Buscemi, John Slattery, and Bea Arthur. 15 years ago, a toddler vanished when her grandmother died; the other set of grandparents is back from a busy schedule of savin’ foreign souls and bein’ captives. Nancy and her friends explore a decrepit castle and survive a boat crash, and elude several iterations of Steve Buscemi (and enemy of the show L. Ron Hubbard!). It’s a weird, weird time!

In which Nancy stumbles onto the creepiest Real Doll sitch possible. Carson’s client, an actor who is directing plays for River Heights’s amateur acting troupe, has been seeing a dancing puppet near their venue. Nancy weathers several concussions to power through and play Scarlett O’Hara in their current production while investigating the creepy puppetry. Ned makes the most of his tiny cameo and it’s adorable. Get ready to lob some cannonballs and/or roses at America’s favorite teen sleuth!

In which, well, there’s some yellowface. The Notorious NBG head to NYC, where Nancy is actually the Commissioner of All Police, to investigate the disappearance of a young Chinese exchange student. George poses as said student and it’s real cringe. Nancy gets murdered via flowerpot and walks it off, heads off an airplane bombing, and meets up with Ned in Hong Kong, where HE is an exchange student! Also, Ned got Nancy her own room for sexy roleplay reasons. Anyway, Nancy is the master of air heists and smuggling, and wins the day.

In which Nancy single-handedly funds a school! An old lady asks Nancy’s help in finding a treasure hidden by her great-uncle 100 years earlier, which could be sold to finance said school to benefit the town. Nancy tangles with a local xenophobe and a pair of con artists, and dates a guy who is possibly Ned wearing a mustache, if my theory is correct. Also, old-timey photos may or may not have been taken, because stagecoach, y’all!!!

In which Nancy’s entire extended entourage visits the newest addition to the United States, Hawaii! Skin diving! Luaus! Volcanoes! Dumbest gang names ever! This club has it all!!!

In which Nancy boards the Freewinds and sets sail for danger! Frank and Joe are undercover and Nancy overhears two people plotting to sell CIA secrets. Nancy finds a scorpion in her bed (which is not a euphemism for Frank)! A vampire mask is worn! Horrible decisions all around!

In which Nancy solves TWO murders after seeing the corpses! Nancy meets a rich widow and her entourage, who are staying next door at the Plaza Hotel, and the widow, who feels she’s in danger, dies in Nancy’s arms. It’s pretty bad. The house detective immediately suspects her, and Nancy has to clear her name, even though she basically treats the detective like a pesky gnat, which is hilarious. Nancy also has a Peaches and Cream Barbie phase, which I’m absolutely here for.