This week Round the World broadcasts from the Ministry of Truth. We aim to satisfy your curiosity about the various mysteries of life by answering a few of the letters that have come in. No conundrum is too abstruse or obscure for our consideration!

It’s time for spring cleaning. And since spring cleaning takes on great significance this year, the research department here at Round the World has been looking into the best way to clean and sterilize your home. Our team of researchers has been busy at work scouring our archives for recordings that compel us not only to start cleaning the house, but want to keep at it while we listen. We herewith bring you the results of our research.

Throughout the program, we learn about cleaning and sanitizing your home, tips on handwashing and personal hygiene, and doing laundry - especially when someone in the house is sick.

The knowledge we gain will come right from the Center for Disease Control and the Harvard Medical School.

As long as we’re all quarantined, let’s homeschool the kids. Today’s topic: The Periodic Table of the Elements with a few alloys thrown in. Let’s see if little Johnny, Sally, Jimbo, and Red can name certain elements given their atomic numbers and other pertinent qualities such as conductivity, malleability, and color. They’ll get some hints from a few 78 RPM recordings. Our final element will be Arsenic, with a radio drama from 1946 starring Boris Karloff.

The world premiere of Crime and Punishment: The Musical.  A crime wave sweeps through Oceantown, including petty and grand larceny, tax evasion, voter fraud, gambling and public drunkenness, and even a string of murders. We witness courtroom scenes in which defendants are both exonerated and convicted. We experience the gripping pathos of prisons and jails, and finally, see the rehabilitation of at least one of the inmates.

This week we broadcast directly from the Round the World Department of Advice. You, the listeners, have sent in mail sacks full of letters asking for advice on quite a variety of topics, and our team of researchers and experts have scoured the world for 78 RPM sources of wisdom to address your concerns. We’ll tackle some of life’s greatest conundrums: Personal Freedom, Discouragement, Trust, and Anger Management, among many others. Then, a fantastic episode of the original radio version of Dragnet!

Our executive retreat for First Ladies and other presidential companions and powers behind the throne. Many first ladies from throughout US history will be in attendance, and we tip our hats to each by playing a song with their name in the title, starting with Martha Washington, and working our way up through Lady Bird Johnson, with a few conspicuous unofficial companions thrown in, such as Sally Hemings, William Rufus DeVane King, and Missy LeHand. After some vigorous escapades on the dance floor, the attendees will relax for the evening’s radio drama entertainment: an adaptation of the classic short story An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge, written by 19th century American writer and civil war veteran, Ambrose Bierce. This work was dramatized for the series Escape!, and first broadcast in 1947 . All in 78-RPM splendor.

We cut out and send in a coupon from a magazine for a Dream Machine. When it arrives at our door, we ride our mail order contraption through daydreams of the future and the past, dreams of particular locations, dreams of romantic aspirations, and nighttime dreams (including nightmares). Then we wake up in time to listen to H. G. Wells’ scary Dream of Armageddon, first broadcast in 1948. All in 78-RPM splendor.

We head out on our Magic Lobster Boat to catch as many fish as we possibly can in the space of an hour in anticipation of a big fish fry fundraiser. We return from the high seas triumphant with loads of codfish, lobster, sailfish and trout. We even spot a whale out there. We gorge ourselves at numerous fish fries and clam bakes. Then it’s time to lie on the couch like a boa constrictor and listen to Richard Diamond, Private Detective, starring Dick Powell, and first broadcast in 1950.

Time to sell your soul to WSHD when Round the World with Cracklin’ Jane gets out of the cold, takes a field trip to Hades and attempts to interview Satan. In the context of popular song, the Devil is a stand-in for a whole panoply of themes, such as the nature of evil, recalcitrant romantic partners, how to have a supernaturally good time, plus how to turn away from temptation. After we repudiate the Devil, we sit back and listen to Richard Diamond, Private Detective in  William Carter Loses Memory.

Cracklin’ Jane conducts a reconnaissance mission for Santa. We hop into our tri-motor airplane and gather data about the Christmas situation in Canada, Latin America, India, France, Denmark, England, Norway and Siberia, all via historical 78 RPM recordings. The resulting report is typed and on Santa’s desk the following morning. Then, Richard Diamond, Private Detective solves the Joyce Wallace Case, first broadcast in 1950.