Rude Dude Take Downs

Things are HEATING UP on Riverdale (below your feet), so take this walk with us!

This week, Archie lives out his dream of being a dad! He gets to teach this young boy boxing, and tell him all the story about how he was attacked by a bear! But things take a turn when this boy reveals he’s also marked for death! Like Archie?! Veronica’s also fed up with Gladys and Hiram running her bar, so she decides to take her feelings of being entrapped by parents into a parent trap of her own! Also, Betty’s revealed to be the worst friend possible to Kevin, because she hasn’t checked up on him in a while, and then just attacks him... You know it’s bad when the cult treats you better than your own friends. Finally, Jughead’s having trouble controlling these new Gargoyles in gang club, because they keep going after Fangs! DON’T YOU DARE!!! And we get a lil bit of Toni being super abused by Cheryl! FUN!

Will Veronica ever get to use the hiding mechanisms in her casino? Will Archie ever figure out what TikTok is? WILL CURTS PUT DOWN THE DICE AND LOOK WHAT HE’S DOING WITH HIS LIFE?!?! No, no, and never!

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We still don’t understand the title, but this is still an amazing episode!

This week, we’re talkin’ GANGS! The Serpents are loosing numbers thanks to the Pretty Poisons, so Jughead tries too reason with Toni. Too bad she’s so done with him because she has a leadership opportunity, but she’s frustrated that Jughead would have the audacity to even ask her to come back without providing something better. Cheryl beats up SWANGS, and that’s NOT THE POINT!! Meanwhile, Betty’s trying to get her mom out of the Farm, but too bad Alice is the ABSOLUTE WORST and doesn’t listen to her. So Betty tries to find someone else her mom will listen too. Also, Archie finally starts getting into his one true passion, boxing, but goes above his weight class and takes a fight to loose. Josie tries to talk him out of it, and he actually listens to her? Also, Hiram’s not focusing on his more lucrative and legal business of private prisons and focusing more on the not so profitable and illegal business of the drug trade, and Ron HATE THIS!!

Will Archie steal Elio’s robes? Will Betty finish her Farm podcast in time to save her mom? Will WHAT DO 23 HOUR FITNESS EMPLOYEES DO WITH THEIR HOUR OFF?! He brought his own, nope, and sleep, hopefully!

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HOW BIZZARE?! (*guitar riff*) HOW BIZZARE! HOW BIZZARE!

We’re getting into BIZZARODALE today baybe!! One of our favs, cause it has all of our fav characters getting what they want (before it gets RIPPED AWAY). 

Tom and Sierra are getting married! And they don’t want a big wedding, because you know... They’re in the middle of awful divorces and the town was just ravaged by a yet to be caught Gargoyle King. Kevin and Josie refuse, and decie to throw them a little party! But just as they get down to peggin’ hard, they get a little something blue from... The Gargoyle King!!! Meanwhile, Cheryl outs Moose to the whole school cause he won’t date Kevin, and Toni is PISSED! But all she wants is to go to Highsmith college!! And Ron and Reggie need to make all the money back they BURNT (the durgs, they would never burn money) and decide to rob Reggie‘s dad’s automotive depo with a full proof Reggie plan! Also, Josie’s grossly underprepared for her Julliard audition, but Archie enables her anyways.

Will Kevin ever find love? Will Cheryl learn the meaning of privilege? DOES SIERRA EAT ASS?! No :’(, yes, and OH YEAH BAYBEE

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Time for Noir town to become... Crime town??? I dunno, but we’re leanin’ into genre today!

Ron pays for Jugheads friendship and his sleuthing skills to find out who shot her father. He finds out from Hermione about Hirams secret love affair with his real life wife, Kelly Ripa! Meanwhile, Archie spirals out of control and loses ALL his construction working privilages when he refuses to abide by the union‘s rules! While this is going on, Ron looks into her fathers shady drug business to keep up her family apperances.

Will Archie ever stop drinking long enough to deal with his demons? Will that man ever get treatment for his grape allergy? WILL SOMEONE HELP SMITHERS?! Meh, kind of? Probably not (and that’s alright with him), and NO! BUT THEY SHOULD!!!

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Archie’s dead guys!! NO MORE RIVERDALE?! Lol, JK, Jug LIES!

We’re doin’ a fun lil sweet gem today! Because Archie’s back in town! And he’s one step closer to being part of the main story arch that’s been going on for the past 9 episodes! But Ron’s conflicted, because she’s mad he broke up with her, and also mad that he died his red hair?! And also Reggie’s the better boyfriend... But to help Archie aclamate to life in Riverale, she does the one thing she knows how to do... Throw a party! Meanwhile, Alice STOLE ALL OF BETTY’S MONEY?! And she donated it to the FARM? This is WILD! Even for ALICE! Betty finds out that her mom forged her dads signature to steal her money, and now she has to visit the one place she never wanted to. Her dad... In Silence of the Lambs Jail... Sponsored by Squarespace. Also, Jughead’s plan is coming together as Fangs gets closer to the Gargole Kings inner circle. When the ceremony hits, the Serpents strike, and the Gargole King is revealed to be... TALLBOY?! (WHO IS THAT EVEN?) Also, the SAT are this Saturday, and Archie thinks he can pass them (lol).

Will revealing Tallboy be the linch pin that finally takes Hiram down? Will Reggie meet up with that adult woman as a teen on Bubble? WILL ARCHIE LEARN TO READ?! Nope, hopefully not, and LOL, WHY START NOW?!

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QUAR IS OVER... AT LEAST IN RIVERDALE!! (Click Bait)

And though people need to socially distant, Arch doesn’t get the memo and decides to sneeze right in the face of a BEAR! Then he goes on a spirit quest to eliminate his inner demons! Meanwhile, Betty’s learning all the ups and downs of being a single mother to dozens of traumatised, drugged up teens. All the while, she’s trying to get the Sisters of Quiet Mercy thrown in JAIL! Jughead is also trying to bring back order to the serpents he couldn’t see for 5 weeks (because of the quar) and their broken and without money. Ron, meanwhile, is trying to get her father to stop extorting her in a minx coat. Wonder how they can solve that? Also, Choni are Batman villians, but whatelse is new!

Will Reggie find new smuggling routes? Will Fangs ever learn how to run a drug operation? WILL  THE BEAR COME BACK FOR REVENGE?! No, no, and WE CAN ONLY HOPE! (#bearforSeason5)

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Quarantine has NOT been kind to this episode! But it’s been wild none the less!

Archie and Jug have finally made it to Toledo (wherever that is) to rendevous with Gladys Jones and Jelly Bean. Kind of to give Archie a safe place to hide from Hiram, but mostly so Jughead can go OFF on his mother for abandoning him. Meanwhile, Betty‘s converted (detoxed from all those drugs) Ethel and now they’re formulating a plan to break out all the orphans from the Sisters of Quiet Mercy. Because you know, that’s thought out. Also, Hiram’s trying to shut down Riverdale because of all the seizures, but Ron is NOT having it!!

Will JB kill a man? Will Betty‘s Griffin Queen look be brought back for All Stars 5? WILL MAPLE-BOARDING BECOME A US MILITARY TACTIC?! Eventually, hopefully, and I HOPE NOT! THAT SHIT’S CRUEL!

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HERE COMES THE MAN IN BLACK!!! No fun hat or ANYTHING! JUST PLAIN HIRAM!!

This episode is a fun lil three parter! We get to Archie and Jug, running from the law (Hiram). They escape to a small farm in the middle of no where that has a CREEPY vibe to it! Ron realizes that owning a small business isn’t always as easy as it seems, so she calls in resident slime ball, Elio, to help her draw business (in a very dumb way). And Betty’s sneakin’ around the Sisters of Quiet Mercy trying to get secrets, but she faces her worst foe yet... Ethel (YUCK!). Though these stories seem disconnected, they’re all connected by one man... HIRAM LODGE!!!

Will Laurie Lake ever get her family back? Will Reggie ever wear those pants again? WILL ETHELS VISION BOARD MANIFES?! Probably not, no (RIP), and LOL could you imagine?!?!

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Back from the Bunker BAYBEE!! And we’re not the only ones livin’ in it!! 

Archie’s still in his bunker, because there’s a MAN HUNT for him!! But he has sepsis from the pip he crawled through, so he makes Kevin take him to DCJ with those sweet sweet small bills! Meanwhile, Bughead splits up their sleuthing endeavours, Betty takes on ALL the parents for their G&G dealings, and Jughead looks into the Gargoyle Gang some more. Also, ROn is the only good lawyer in this town and figures out that the testimony that was given to put Archie away was VERYYYY edited! 

Will Ron be able to prove Archie innocent? Will they STOP taking Kevin for granted? WILL SOMEONE DO SOMETHING ABOUT REGGIE’S ABUSIVE FATHER?!?! Yes, lol they'll never and NO WTF GUYS HELP HIM!!! 

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QUARANTINE TIME!!! We’ve run out of back log, but we’re not going to let the fact that we can’t be together stop us from doing what we love! Much like Ron in this episode!! See... We rounded it out!

TIME TO MAKE A BREAK FOR IT!! Archie’s makin‘ a plan to get out of jail, and Ron’s gonna help him do it! Meanwhile, Jughead is in a full G&G K-hole, and Swangs is NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT! Not until he writes the most EPIC QUEST OF ALL TIME! But all goes awry when Joaquin gives Archie the ol’ kiss and stab!!! RIGHT before the big fight he was supposed to escape out of! Also, Betty’s trying to sleuth some more, but NO ONE’S helping her out. Which is sad!!!!

Will Archie survive the Pit long enough to crawl through a pipe? Will Cheryl eventually skewer an arrow into Jughead? WILL SOMEONE EVER DO ANYTHING ABOUT REGGIES ABUSIVE FATHER?! Yes, no, and kind of?

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