Sit back, grab your daily Milkshake, and engage with this work of art!! We've finally hit homecoming, which means it's been 2-3 months since the season started (seriously, we don't know the exact date). This episode is fully of Polly playing on Cheryl's queerness to serve her purposes, and Cover Girl placing (false!) ads! Jughead gets a taste of family, only to have it RIPPED AWAY! But Varchie rises with the sickest guitar spin, and the parents are into it. Now for the list of seemingly innocuous questions we pose:

Will Alice successfully manipulate FP into tell her everything? Will Jughead ever get the family he desperately craves? Will Polly EVER get the prenatal  vitamins she NEEDS?! Of course not, no and it's sad, and oh god poor Polly.

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WHY DOES NOBODY LISTEN TO JUGHEAD IN THIS GD EPISODE?! We wanna KNOW!

Fred goes off to finalize things in a final way, and Archie is pissed (for the first time it seems?) Meanwhile, Chuck's back, Veronica's getting threats from her father in prison, all the while it's Jugheads birthday! We get dance offs, more Ethel, and Jugheads ICONIC weirdo speech! Cheryl and Chuck can't spin this in the Slander Circle, and Kevin is LIVING!

Will Jugheads birthday be a disaster? Will Fred and Mary make up for Archies sake? Will Veronica's obsession with her dad ever stop?! YES, NO, AND LOL HAVE YOU EVEN BEEN WATCHING?!

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If Riverdale be the fruit of love, play on! And serve that fruit with a glass of Chardonnay baby, cause we're in for a wild ride tonight! Archie's a dumb idiot who can't be a detective and gets pimps himself out for privilege to the Blossoms (after he's learnt about privilege way to many times). Rony rounds up the gays for an Ethel makeover, and Betty's subplot is so nuts even SHE can't even believe it! All the while, Cheryl explores heterosexuality, and it is NOT a good look for her!

Will the Blossoms convince Archie to date Cheryl? Will Ethel ever find out Veronica's dad is the reason her parents are fighting? Will Alice get over her abandonment issues? WILL FRED EVER LOOK THIS DILFY AGAIN?! Never, yes (but she doesn't give a shit), of course not, and yaaas daddy!

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This episode puts our loins in a ~gordian knot~ as we're getting into some hard conundrums! Veronica thinks it's a good idea to have Penelope AND Alice in the same room?! Archie gets another hard lesson in privilege, and learns that sometimes Sheriffs are just Baddie Daddies. Also, there's a reason why Polly was relegated to the background in later seasons, and it's mostly due to the actor!

Will Archie find out who's trying to sabotage his father's business?? Will Polly choose Cheryl or Betty to be her twins Godmother? Will there ever be a foreshadowing of the bears to come?! No, Betty you nut, and unfortunately not (but we'll keep looking).

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THIS EPISODE IS SAD! And it features sad dad/bad dad FP!! But that means we get a lot of love for our sexy sad boy(tm) Jug! Jarchie rises, Bughead Rises, hell, even Fughead rises! Veronica is also going on a RAMPAGE maxing out her American Access card on Glamazon(dot)com?! WOOF!! GRAB THE EXTRA LARGE CHARDONNAY, HERMIONE, CAUSE THIS GAY'S GOIN' CLUBBING! Cheryl also start to realize that her parents... Might be mean?

Will Cheryl break away from her family and do the right thing? Will FP get it together to help sweet lil Harry Potter Jug? Will Kevin ever get his due and join the core 4? Yes, but briefly, kind of? Not really, and NO LOL SEE YOU ON THE FARM WITH FANGS!!

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Wowee! We're getting to our FAVOURITE EPISODE!! With LOTS of drama!! It's an episode featuring the Pussycats, and the talent show is their time to shine, but Josie is feeling the pressure from her mysterious JAZZMAN father?! Archie's also the WORST FRIEND!!! Meanwhile, Rony HATES that her mom is committing adultery! There's also murder, but that's SO not important here! We're also trying out our best South African accents, and it does NOT work.

Will Josie impress her father? Will Val rejoin the Pussycats? Will Archie EVER find out who Josephine Baker is??? No (he's a bad dad), yes, and HAHAHAHA HE'S A SWEET DUMB BOY!!

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This episode was a teen drama episode, with a hard dose of reality for some of our favourite gang members! Archie gets some hard truths about his music career, Betty gets some hard truths about her insane parents, and we gets the hardest truth of all...  Val was too good a character to stay on this show!!! FEEL THE THUNDA!

Will they find out who the killer is at the funeral? Will Fred ever stop being bad with woman? Will Cheryl's mom let her speak at the funeral?! No, never, and of course not, but she does it anyways!

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Chris talks wayyyy too fast, but we need to blow through a lot of heavy heavy topics. Like racial casting, sexual abuse, and teen love?

Geraldine finally gets found out! And shit gets wild!! Also, Juggie's precious Twilight Drive In is getting the ol' tear down, and the gang gives it one final goodbye! Also we get our sweet sweet baddie daddie FP being brought into the fold!

Will we find out who this anonymous buyer for the Twilight Drive In? Is Grundy lying about her past? Will Jughead save the Drive In? Yes (Hiram Lodge), OF COURSE, and NOOO! Now he has to find a new home...

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This episode deals with some SHIT! And SO DO WE!!

Alice gets the life SMACKED out of her, Jughead stalks a bunch of kids and gets them to rat out Dilton, and oh boy, we get our first glimpse of dark Betty!

Will Chuck get justice for what he's done? Will Archie be able to see his song be played? Will Ethel regain normalcy? Yes, yes, and NO OF COURSE NOT!

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Episode 2 of Riverdale Rude Dudes! We're doing "Touch of Evil" and What a ride! Archie's been asking for emotional labour from the woman... And we're so sick and tired of it! We also get the first appearance of Doctor Curtle, Jarchie rises, and we get some DANK choreo in this ep!

Will Alice let Betty have a social life? Will Archie and Veronica get together? Will there be more scenes where they put on makeup? No, yes, and OF COURSE!!

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