Run Your Mouth

The debut edition of THE NONSENSE TIMES hits the press — Trump pays himself $1.776 billion to apologize for being the government, a 94-year-old gets indicted as a pretext for war, and the Defense Department drops UFO files while the country quietly fights two wars.

Then: Trump's six-level subterranean palace, Iran handing out AK-47s on state TV, the IRGC busting US arms shipments into Iraqi Kurdistan, Tulsi Gabbard resigning as DNI, the Strait of Hormuz blowup, and a Creative Solutions blueprint introducing the Mega-Fan 9000 and the Trump Docking Station.

Plus Jim Jordan grilling the SPLC over $3 million in funds to white supremacist groups,

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Trump posts an AI image of himself perp-walking a chained alien — one cuff, no caption, total chaos — while the New York Post tries to convince subway riders that four alien species have been pulled from crashed UFOs (the source: an 89-year-old who didn't see anything but believes the people who told him). The Epstein "suicide note" finally turns up, Rob runs through every unanswered question that note doesn't fix, and FBI Director Cash Patel apparently went snorkeling at Pearl Harbor — the scandal nobody will take credit for.

Plus: Trump's $750M in stock trades and the conflicts of interest behind them, the Cars for Kids charity that wasn't funding the kids, the COVID origins hearing where senators openly admit there's no way to hold the intelligence agencies accountable, and a pitch for "Denters" — the dent-friendly car brand.

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The Hantavirus is back, the alien files just dropped, and questioning the Iran war is officially treasonous. Rob runs through the simplest solution to two world problems at once (military industrial complex + vermin), explains why the most transparent administration in history can't stop telling you its real-time thoughts, breaks down Trump's "nobody respects you without a nuke" foreign policy doctrine, watches Netanyahu try to "wean Israel off" U.S. aid live on 60 Minutes, and gets to the AI throuple ad targeting Thomas Massey. Plus porches, plenty of porches.

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Day 60 of Operation Epic Fury — except it's not called that anymore. Or a war. Or active kinetic bombing. We track every name the administration has given this thing depending on who's asking and what court they're standing in. Trump tells Congress the ceasefire stopped the War Powers Act clock, calls the seized Iranian oil tanker situation "a very profitable business," and compares the U.S. Navy to pirates. We do the actual math on that profitable business — spoiler: $6 billion in denied Iranian revenue vs. $25-58 billion in U.S. costs, 13 dead service members, gas at $4.39, and Spirit Airlines becoming the first U.S. casualty airline. Plus: Project Freedom paused after less than 24 hours, the Dark Eagle hypersonic gets called up at $15 million per missile, Iran says peace talks need a Lebanon ceasefire (good luck), Israel "didn't know" a deal was close and has "a series of targets ready," Powell refuses to leave the Fed board, Republicans want $1 billion in taxpayer money for Trump's privately-funded ballroom, and Howard "Lord of Commerce" Lutnick can't recall why his family lunched on Epstein's island.

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Paywalled: a JPMorgan banker's threesome lawsuit, Bryan Johnson rates his girlfriend's V microbiome, dating apps by credit score, and the Sarajevo human safari book.

Turns out the great big beautiful White House ballroom was just a roof for the elites' new underground bunker — and they tore out the OLD bunker to build it. Hilariously bad management if Iran takes a swing while it's still under construction. Robbie breaks down why elites should be legally barred from owning bunkers, the Iranian negotiation strategy of showing Trump their cards before the hand plays out, the indictment of Fauci's right-hand man for hiding COVID records, the SPLC/Charlottesville/FBI collusion theory now being floated by Jim Jordan and Trump himself, Pam Bondi prosecuting James Comey for a thought crime over seashells, and the disappearing bullets from the latest Trump shooting attempt.

Plus: the Indian scammer running a fake conservative thirst trap, the Zorro Ranch as the gay annex of the Epstein operation, and Brian Stelter discovering that the process is the punishment now that it's happening to ABC.

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Sunday night emergency pod after the ballroom shooting. We break down the footage, the runner who moved at MK Ultra speeds, JD Vance's "can I finish my food?" face, and a peace sermon on why you shouldn't help other people.

Plus: Trump cancels Iran peace talks while claiming a "better deal" he can't describe, falls asleep mid-Oval Office meeting, and tells a reporter Vietnam took 18 years so don't rush him. Polymarket front-running, another dead NASA scientist (the aliens want their tech back), 24,000-year-old zombie worms thawed in a lab, and a closing argument for why Spirit Airlines must finally be put down.

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Professor David Beito returns to pitch a path to peace in the Middle East that nobody's talking about: the Swiss Canton model. Two dozen self-governing cantons, a deliberately weak federal government, freedom of movement, and the rule of law — applied to a combined Israel-Palestine roughly the same size as Switzerland itself.

We get into why the two-state solution is dead, how privatizing the 97% of Israeli land owned by the government could compensate displaced Palestinians, what Arab Israelis already prove about coexistence, and why the US, EU, and UN are part of the problem. Beito also addresses the demographic anxieties, the settler reality, the religious-state faction, and why this off-ramp gets more practical the longer the status quo drags on.

In the second half, we shift to the Southern Poverty Law Center — Morris Dees, the lawsuit landscape, how "sedition" rhetoric jumped from left to right, the WWII Great Sedition Trial, domestic terrorism laws being used against environmentalists, and the FBI's pattern of cultivating easy targets instead of doing real investigative work.

Plus Beito's new book on FDR and the New Deal, his upcoming Independent Review article on the Canton model, and Porch Tour dates kicking off in May.

The Iran ceasefire continues — or does it? Rob breaks down Trump's daily flip-flops, Iran's oil storage crisis, and the real game of economic chicken being played in the Hormuz. Plus: a former congressman explains how DC sexual blackmail operations actually work, Swalwell's $75K campaign bender and the hypocrisy of his "believe all women" pitch, kids are speedrunning the Scientology building, a streamer is getting $35,000 jaw surgery for 1.5 attractiveness points, JD Vance listening to Hasidic Disney ballads, Trump reads the Bible and wonders why God doesn't take more victory laps, Rogan gets Ibogaine FDA-approved by text message, and Mamdani's grocery store is $3,333 per square foot while Whole Foods does it for $595. Plus the SPLC manufacturing extremism story that reads exactly like an FBI playbook.

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Rob heads into the demon realm because reality has become an AOL pump and dump email. Three days ago Trump said the Hormuz Strait would reopen itself. Now we're blocking it ourselves and picking a fight with China.

This episode: JD Vance walks into Pakistan negotiations like a demonic Mister Rogers and spends 20 hours demanding Iran accept terms they already rejected. Netanyahu confirms on camera that Vance was reporting to him the entire time. Trump celebrates shooting down 101 missiles as a win — the cost breakdown says otherwise ($4 billion, 15% of our annual interceptor missile production, one engagement). Roger Stone talks Trump out of firing Tulsi Gabbard. Trump promises pardons to the whole team.

Then the important stuff: the look-maxing clavicle kid who keeps smashing his face, an astronaut who circled the moon and came back to tell us "Earth, you are a crew," Coachella Airbnb hosts canceling on people for more money, and the Luigi assassin leaving handwritten confession notes like he's writing to his pen pal.

Creative Solutions: contractual campaign promises with recall provisions, and a new political party — the Adult Only Promiscuous Consensual Sex Positive Party With Non-Coworkers 27 and Older — to solve Washington's blackmail epidemic.

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The Iran ceasefire is collapsing in real time — JD Vance says it never included Lebanon, Iran says it did, and Pakistan (who mediated the whole thing) is siding with Iran. Meanwhile Trump is charging Iran protection money for the Strait of Hormuz, Pam Bondi no-showed the Epstein deposition because she's "unprepared," and Melania held a surprise press conference distancing herself from a man she definitely never met.

This episode covers the Iran non-war ceasefire breakdown, the auto-enrollment draft, Hormuz petrodollar math, the Epstein deposition fallout, Bondi, Melania, Pakistan, Marco Rubio, JD Vance, Ratcliffe, Taiwan deterrence strategy, and why Anthropic should release the unhinged version of Claude.

New segment: Trump Eyes — viewing recent disasters through the optimistic lens of Donald J. Trump.

Run Your Mouth is a weekly comedy news podcast covering politics, foreign policy, and media with jokes.