SassyStephB Poetry

Soy feliz. No es un error.Yo puedo ser lo que yo quiero serTengo la capacidad para decidir que la felicidad es mi porciónPor eso, en el bueno y el malo, soy feliz.

How dare you enjoy your life?How dare you have a smile behind your eyes?How dare you wear bright colors like a Lisa Frank poster?

Don’t you understand that your depression and your sadness make me feel whole?It makes me feel powerful to pop your balloons and draw out your tears.How dare you believe you are worthy of anything other than what I’m willing to give?

It makes me happy when you cry.I want to drink a cup of your tears.

You ARE joy? That’s too far.We don’t use SER. We use ESTAR!Wear darker colorsTake that makeup OFFYou look like a w***e!

How dare you be talented?How dare you be smart?How dare you defend yourself?How dare you make art?

TAKE IT ALL DOWN!NO ONE CARES HOW YOU GREW!DON’T YOU HEAR ME TALKING TO YOU!

I will call you the N-word and monkey to see if you will crash,but you only laugh and tell me you feel sorry for me.That if you were white, you’d be mad at you too!

HOW DARE YOU How dare you speak to my insecurities,with rainbow colored sleeves?How dare you call out my misdeeds?

I will shave your head,strap you to a bed, and force you to call yourself crazy.

That’s the only way I will feel satisfiedwith you existing in this way.

Your illnesses are the only way I can acceptthat you look for joy in this life.

Cause if you aren’t experiencing strifeI will never be satisfied.

Show me your tears, bubbly black girl.I need them.If you won’t break, then I will continue to stomp on your neck.WHAT THE HECK! How are you still f*****g here! Wearing butterflies, dancing through tears. Speaking out loud all of your fears and ideas! I HATE YOU! You belong in a zoo.If you don’t stop.I will put you there soon.

(What does it require to be accepted into new spaces?What parts of you do you have to give up or suppress for the comfort of others? I’m learning that the answer is a lot.

When you are a black woman, your joy pisses people off more than you can possibly imagine. Your hope, peace of mind, and comfort piss people off more than you might think. I say, do it anyway.)

Addictive. That’s what he called me.Not smart, not funny, not beautifulAddictive.He simply could not leave me alone. not because he liked me, but because of compulsion.a lack of self-control.a strong, irresistible need or dependence, as though I am a substance, something to be experienced or consumed and not loved or desired.That didn’t warm my heart in the way he might Addictive, like a drug? like something bad for you?My heart aches at the thought.Maybe I’m better off taking some time alone.Making my own home warm, Rather than being called addictive and being consumed by you.

I see you in the field of dreamsLeave me be.Stop calling me.Each night, with your right hand and the KY JellyWhispering my name repeatedlyTrying to manifest me.

You beg the universe to have me back.Envisioning me at your doorcutting you some slackYou call out my name, tell the angels my claim to fameAnd that you need me in your bed again.It’s driving me insane.I don’t want to play your gameYou imagine that last time you had me on my back.Tasting me and kissing me.It's the backing track for your never-ending symphony of moans and sighs.Regretting the moment you told me goodbye.

You hear me calling your name and telling you thank you for the pleasureYou didn’t realize that you held the treasure.You regret the way things ended, And you want to start anew.But the door is closed to you.

The girl you once loved is gone.There is no more loveThere is no more home.Leave me alone.

So, you know we aren’t playing the same game. They are trying to play hangman.It’s not Battleship or Guess Who that we like to play.It’s dominoes, spades, and a little kompa, that’s how we spend the day.We are playing Words with Friends, clear definitions.Some things only hold meaning for us, and they will never understand.Why? Because they aren’t from our homeland.They hear jungle, we hear rainforestThey hear zoo, we hear safariWe hear a wasp, they hear a beeThey hear paradise, we hear home.They say swim with the fishes But you know that the fish they swim in the shallows

Look at them trying to read messages that aren’t meant for themThey’re meant for me and youI think it’s kinda cute.You know what, we know what to do based on Blue’s clues.cause our thinking chairs… well, they foldThey miss the references and then thumb their nose.

They don’t have eyes to see or ears to hear, so they try to make ours disappear, but our culture is the cipher, and lucky for us, we have so many to choose from.

I think this game is more fun.

Random aside. I like word association games and puzzles. Those are fun for me. For example:Bender =/= Robot. I didn’t watch Futurama, that's not my reference point.Bender = Element bender ( Air, Earth, Water, Fire)= Avatar = Avatar = Indigenous and Blue.Bender = Spoonbender = flexible mindset

The language of griefhas lingered on my lipslonger than I ever wanted.It crawls from the deepest darkest parts of me, screaming for peaceinto eternity.

I love youBecause you are beautiful That is reason enough

In 2007, I had the audacity to think Toby Love might be into me. It was a Myspace catfish that eventually birthed the screen name that you see.I saw him in concert the day before, and I wanted to know about his tour.The person running the account was mean. Said awful things to me.Sassy, Sweet, Sad, Spicy. There were 4 small photos of me. Each with a different face and a different mode. I repaired my feelings on my own. I never thought of him again. A few years later I was feeling bold. The previous lesson didn’t hold.Told Austin Nichols he was fine AFThe tweet came from SassySteph.He replied and said I was tooThat gave me a confidence boost.When I think of conventionally attractive men liking meI get real nervous.I feel a part of the circus.the parasocial activities.I grew up on Carrie, and she’s all that.My fear is that they’ll say “eww, you’re fat”.Playing with your heart was a sportand laughing at your expense was par for the courseSo needless to say, I didn’t entirely trust it.What do you mean, Superman wants to date me? Batman and Robin, too?Flash thinks I’m beautiful?So, why wouldn’t you?It can be hard for me to feel seen.I rarely see girls like me on the silver screen.My skin has a darker hue. My thighs and belly jiggle when I movemy hair in locs, my mismatched socksI’m not that tall, and my booty is small. And yet here you are, saying I’m beautiful.Now I believe it more. left the low self-esteem on the floor.When someone calls me Negrita bonita, I say, glad you think so too.Though I don’t like the staring.

I feel like it’s a zoo. Gracias a Laniza y a Altagrace, who gave me my pretty face. And thank you to God for blessing this human race.

I was fired that day. I missed my Uber along the way. I walked home in the rain.I decided to pray.

The aim felt like it was to humiliateI felt defeated. And I was heated And I called out to you and pleadedthat you would open a door

I got home, took off my shoes and cried on the floorClothes still wetAs I pondered on what was next.

You said to me, “ if you surrender, you will see the best of my ability to make you happy.” So I did.

Today, I'm in a situation similar to what I had before. My face is wet, I'm laying on the floor, pondering on what comes next?I'm feeling depressed.

You said, “You get to choose”.You've paid your dues. You've shown me that you will try.That you come to me to cry

I choose to speak life.Today is a grey sky, but tomorrow the sun will shine.