Saying Stories Podcast

To read along search "Dr. Internet" at sayingthings.com

Once there was a boy. A boy who stayed still. His family would travel on vacations all over the world. To Bangkok. To Belgium. Even to Baghdad. However, when his family went away he would stay behind, in his room, and stare at the white wall. From his old bed frame, his old mattress, and his old comforter he could examine the cracks in the wall. The paint chipped away. The wooden floorboards. And every time his family went away on vacation, usually for weeks at a time, he would stare — with a long — yearning to know what that wall really was. He grew so intimate with the wall that he knew every scrape, every mark, every part that composed it.

His family was off in Bosnia wavering, vacillating, see-sawing excruciatingly between the succulent menu options at a local restaurant. You see..This boy’s family was all about trying new things. They had been all over the world, eaten all different kinds of food, seen amazing things, and had amazing adventures and experiences. However, they didn’t really know anything fully. They didn’t know anything like the boy knew the wall.

The boy kept learning about his wall and his family zig zagged around the world, never doing the same thing twice, always tasting something novel.

When the boy was older he listened to his family one Christmas sharing about all their different trips. They went on for hours with endless description and detail. Finally, there was a long silence. The boy spoke up and said:

I’ve named my wall. Jerry. Jerry the Wall.

His family stopped eating. His little sister with a half-eaten meatball in her mouth let it drop back onto her plate. Then aliens attacked. Since aliens attacked we’ll never know what would have happened next.

But the moral of the story is: Life isn’t always about having to try everything. We don’t have time for it all. Sometimes it’s good to go deep with something and really study it and spend time with it…Like a wall. Jerry the Wall.

The family had plans to paint Jerry blue but…as you know…aliens attacked.

Once there was a purple mermaid who lived in a dilapidated forest. She slept 23 hours a day and cried 1 hour a day. This is because she lived so far away from the shimmering waters of Crimson Springs (a 5 star water region that has the best ratings on DripAdvisor). One day a green elf came into the woods on horseback and he stopped by her cabin. “Shibby da wee, shibby da wee,” he screamed. The princess (the purple mermaid is a princess) woke up to a start and started to whimper. “Who’s there? This is my nap time.” The green elf spoke up, “It is I! Elfy elfy badelfy!” Then they got married.

Years later a mammal by the name of Frankfurt wanted to help his son get good grades in school. So they lifted weights together on Mondays and Thursdays. When the son failed all of his exams they ended up going to Burger King since that was a place for food.

Related to all of that…There was once a glass slipper (not Cinderella’s) that was really really tiny. Too tiny even for a mouse to wear. So no one wore it.

THE END

Hey there’s a rumor going around that dinosaurs are attacking. I don’t know if it’s true. For A) I don’t even know that dinosaurs even exist. For B) I think dinosaurs are vegetarian. Some are even vegan. So they shop at veggie/vegan grocery stores for food. Please stop the rumors. It’s just distracting. Then I have to think for a moment whether or not I should be concerned about something silly. I don’t like that. Please no.

Once there was a man who bought a jar of mustard.

Once there was a water buffalo that didn’t know how to cross a river.

Once there was a space man who knew four languages.

What do all these stories have in common? Yep! You guessed it. “Once there was a…” This is a cousin of the, “Once upon a time…” They’re a family. They grew up together.

Mom: Once upon a time it’s time for dinner!

Once upon a time: Ah mom, but I’m playing Reading Rainbow on the X Box!

Once there was a: We should go up. Your mom might get angry.

Even the phrases in stories HAVE stories.

im not a pro-football-player because im not athletic enough. the end.

Grumpy Bear has had a horrible and terrible day! In Spanish that's horrible y terrible!

It just makes sense. He has superior technology. You rarely see him. Elves would agree. All the elves I talk to say that when Santa takes a bath and takes off his big red coat he’s actually green underneath. So that settles it. He’s an alien. But I don’t care. I have nothing against aliens. As long as I get presents, long live the extra terrestrials.

Story with pictures here: sayingthings.com/mustache-timmy-1…828d5#.6v71n07of

Timmy was zero years old when he was born. Like most birthed children. However, unlike most chilluns he came out mustache first. Two doctors had to use pliers to rearrange his wiry mustache hairs to bring him out of the womb. That was 11 years ago.

Now Timmy is 11 (since he was zero eleven years ago). He’s super popular at his school and he has this really awesome bike he rides. However, unlike most bikes his bike doesn’t have handle bars. Luckily he has a handlebar mustache.

In 20 years when Timmy is 31 he’ll probably have a family.

Then 60 years after Timmy is 31 he’ll be 91 and probably be dead.

But don’t think about that! Timmy has a great life ahead of him. Full of cinnamon rolls, Power Rangers, Sea World, See’s candy, karate, jump rope, photoshop, math t-shirts, forgetting passwords, bird watching, karaoke, and public water fountains.