Self-Coaching

If life, in fact, were fair, then no one would ever suffer from an injustice, no good and decent person would ever be mugged, and no one’s reasonable expectations would ever be denied. Clearly, life isn’t always fair. We know this, well, kind of, but when we do experience unfairness or even cruelty, why do we cry, “This shouldn’t happen to me, it’s not fair”? Despite our objective view of the world, we cling to a more primitive expectation—an expectation of fairness.In this Self-Coaching episode, join me as I explore this intriguing concept of fairness in order to embrace a more realistic approach to life’s inevitable challenges.

My high school biology teacher taught me that humans avoid pain and seek pleasure. I agree with this, but I would like to add another human imperative: we like to be in control and don’t like feeling vulnerable. Because of habits of insecurity, many feel constantly out of control and vulnerable in their day-to-day lives. And lacking the psychological maturity and self-trust necessary to handle life, they, ostrich-like, look for ways to escape.

In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss seven ‘ostrich’ behaviors that will prevent you from taking full responsibility for your challenges, leaving us often suffering from emotional struggles.

We humans undoubtedly just want to feel safe in life. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel safe and less vulnerable, but when primitive, reflexive habits of insecurity (a.k.a. the Child Reflex) steer our lives, then there’s an inevitable price to pay—emotional struggle.

In this follow-up to last week’s Self-Coaching episode, I dig deeper into three compensatory expressions that get us in trouble: the Star, the Fanatic, and the Control Freak. Join me as I explore these expressions, and don’t be surprised if you find some aspect of these perfectionistic-compulsive (PC) qualities in your own personality.

Whether we’re talking about compulsivity or perfectionism, these personality traits have one thing in common: they’re misguided, insecurity-driven attempts to control feelings of vulnerability. As with other controlling strategies, stress becomes an inescapable component of maintaining a compulsive-perfectionistic lifestyle. In time, stress inevitably depletes, leading to emotional struggles, especially anxiety-based issues. It may be okay for others to come in second, spill ketchup on their blouse, or have a bad hair day, but not for perfectionists.

 Striving for compulsive control of life is exhausting, yet many feel they have no choice. It’s a black-and-white world where not only do all your ‘ducks’ have to be lined up in a row, but God forbid one of those ducks breaks rank. This is a nightmare for the compulsively driven person.

This Self-Coaching episode shows that striving to control life compulsively is a fool's errand. The solution isn’t more control, it’s developing Self-trust. What’s funny is that it’s not about being perfect; it’s really about not screwing up! Perfection, along with compulsive control, is, and will always be an illusion. Unfortunately, for many, without sufficient self-trust, it’s the only game in town.

What comes to mind when you think of a turtle? The shell, right? When feeling threatened, turtles escape into the protection of their protective shells.  We, humans, also have shells, but not physical shells made of keratin, ours are behavioral—we have avoidant strategies to protect ourselves from perceived harm.

In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss the fact that all humans have shell-avoidant behaviors, but not all avoidant behavior is neurotic. It all depends. It depends on the thickness of your ‘shell.’ For some, kicking back and avoiding making a tedious phone call at the end of a long day; may be termed avoidant, but understandable, behavior. For those, however, with thicker shells (more habituated avoidant strategies), this type of retreat from life’s challenges can become problematic, fueling other emotional struggles.

Maybe there are people who never worry, are always in a good mood, feel secure, and never flinch when facing life’s challenges. You might be tempted to think such a person surely isn’t neurotic. And this may be true, although I’ve never met such a person. I think it only fair to suggest that being neurotic isn’t a black-or-white description—it’s a relative statement. The real question is, to what extent are you neurotic?

In this Self-Coaching episode, you’ll learn that a life of neurotic struggle is based on two factors: 1.) a diminished or lack of self-trust, and 2.) a habit of insecurity-driven thinking.

Get ready to take my quiz to help you determine to what extent neurotic (insecurity-driven) thinking may be eroding your capacity for happiness and well-being.

In this week’s Self-Coaching episode, I dig deeper into the remaining 7 principles of self-coached healing. This episode deals with the illusion of control, the habit nature of emotional struggle, the reality that healthy thinking is a choice, and the fact that a good coach needs to be a good motivator. These seven principles will equip you to take your life back from the reflexive, neurotic thinking that has tarnished your emotional life.

Self-coaching, from its very inception more than thirty-five years ago, was my attempt to combine cognitive behavioral psychology with a unique form of motivational coaching that would provide a common-sense approach to understanding and eliminating emotional struggle. It’s not the historical truth that will set you free, it’s realizing that all emotional struggle is the result of our habits of insecurity—habits that we inadvertently feed or starve.

Through the years, these principles have helped people from all over the world, proving that psychological healing doesn’t have to be complicated or confusing. My effort to synthesize the essence of my Self-Coaching program into these seven principles will help to provide you with a straightforward format for taking your life back from the struggle.

What’s going through your mind right now? What thoughts are you aware of? Can you “hear’ this inner talk? When you say, “I’ll never get that job,” or, “I can’t stop worrying about getting older.” You’re actually talking to yourself—not with your mouth—but with your mind. Let’s call it, ‘mind-talk.’ And neurotic thoughts can affect us emotionally, providing the fuel for anxiety, depression, and emotional struggle. But, in order for thoughts to affect us, two things have to happen, 1.) You—a part of you—must listen to what you’re saying (mind-talk), and 2.) You must either accept or reject it.

A part of you talks and, a part of you listens may feel strange, but when, for example, if you say, “I’ll never lose weight, I’m too weak,” and then you wind up getting a bit depressed, what happened? What happened is that you accepted and embraced this declaration of insecurity. This type of thinking, if unchecked, will steer and distort you and your life. Typically, these thoughts are reflexive, knee-jerk doubts, fears, and negativity.

In the Self-Coaching episode, I discuss how to use mind-talk to not only liberate yourself from insecurity-driven, reflexive thinking but to finally experience the life you want—the life you deserve.

I’ve been a psychologist for almost 50 years, and two things I’ve learned about human nature: 1.) we are creatures of habit, and 2.) habits are stubborn. When dealing with anxiety, depression, and emotional struggle in general, there is nothing more important than to understand how the entrenched habits of insecurity have come to contaminate our potential for happiness and solace. Unfortunately, when someone tries to change, they typically fall short of breaking the emotional habits that are holding them back.

In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss why people are stubborn when it comes to doing what’s necessary to change. And it’s this stubbornness that requires a more direct and honest confrontation—a confrontation of tough love.

In my estimation, therapy is too passive. In order to challenge the often, life-long habits fueling struggle, there’s no room for coddling. What’s needed is 1.) an understanding of “why” we struggle, and 2.) a self-coached, assertive approach to developing a more psychologically mature willingness to do what’s necessary to change—really change!