Selfed

Unconditional Acceptance is something I'm learning I struggle with. As someone who tries to change people and situations out of unconditional love, I find myself emotionally drained sometimes and just never figured out why until I was able to take the bird's eye view of my role in my relationship dynamics. The consistent issue is that I drain myself with the inability to accept what is. My work is a great outlet for that need as it supports people in self-acceptance without me trying to control or fix anything about them. I want to apply that to my friendships, relationships, and connection to myself.

Elaborating on my connectual frustrations, I decided to do something about it. I joined a few dating sites, updated my profile because apparently it was "soft", experienced some indirect rejection from a partner I was enthusiastic about and all the while processed what dating is about in regards to holding true to oneself throughout the process. We also talk about this idea of wholeness in masculinity and femininity.

I talk about Flight, Fight, Freeze, another symbolic dream and what the spiritual significance of possums are. Somehow that looped in to my lived reality of dependence and a need to move forward. I As for the podcast title, it's wordplay on sexually frustrated given sex is a way to feel connected and is often a go to for self regulation, I share my experience of repressing and indulging in the sensations. Another key point here is that the intensity of feelings about fear and excitement as well as feelings you get from success and failure (to me) are the same. There's a motivation to move forward that comes from either of those. My choice of response to Triggers aren't limited to fight flight or freeze, but also Forward

Change is on the horizon. We don't always realize our natural state of being until we have a reason to step out of it and come back to it. For me, traveling took me outside of Courtney the trainer, student of Yoga, Honmychest, Call of Duty Player, Partner . . . I got a glimpse back into myself as a dreamer who lives with consistency between my beliefs and behaviors. "How does that serve you?" is what triggered me into understanding my need for more self exploration around where I am and why I'm here.

Changes are on the horizon. Following up the question, “What do I want?” on episode 21, I’ve chosen to take my own advice and set my goal to make my obstacles and opportunities work to support it, rather than letting myself support their limited outcomes for me. One of those transitions includes having guests on to aid in the self education perspective offered here. I’m going to sit with the pros and cons of the podcast transition and decide from there by September.

I have a history of conforming my needs to my external circumstances. A combination of disengaging from who I am a part from my day to day life, a Netflix series, almost dying, and good company really opened my eyes to how back asswards that process is. I'm a firm believer in the power of belief to the point where actions takin in line with the external circumstances actually makes them serve as opportunities to attain whatever you call in for yourself. The quote about making decisions and then making them right was said by a bunch of different people.

I feel like I need to elaborate more on the God conversation so maybe that'll come up. There's a question I present here worth sitting on, "When you get someone who knows who they are in a relationship with someone who doesn't, what happens?". My answer is that someone conforms or yields, resentment builds and unhappiness occurs through having settled. That's what I learned from this Netflix show I binged in a day this weekend haha.

We often hear "sometimes you gotta meet people where they are", and I disagree with that. We gotta meet people where WE are in order to match energy. I talk about how I've historically adapted myself meeting people where they're at and how the inconsistencies there highlight my own insecurities.

As I assess boundaries for myself and identity care practices, I have come to terms with the fact that I repeat a pattern in my relationships where I recreate an unhealthy conforming of my emotional support. When applied to that which prioritizes my spirit's needs, the body's needs are met, but when I use that to get my body's needs met, my spirit is being diminished as a result. I have to disengage from that which isn't in line with my overall mission as those disconnects are what create symptoms of burnout for me.

The day I recorded this episode, I heard four accounts of suicide all within a two hour time window and didn't bat an eye. After reflection in a Yoga class, my journal entry revealed that just because you're numb to or used to something doesn't mean there isn't damage still being done. I became aware of my feelings of activation being repressed by the pressure of being methodical so that I'm not coming off as impatient, but truth be told, there are people who don't have the luxury of doing that so I have to see my impatience as initiative. I initiated a major step to creating systemic change in one avenue for suicide ideation today.

Record of Ragnarok is a Netflix Anime series that puts humanity against the Gods. The show highlights differences and similarities between man and God. One of these key differences is that man's mortality gives us a finite time to become who we are before our expiration. Gods are born who they are. One character in particular who stands out to me was known in life for losing/failing. I speak to shifting my own perspective to adopt this intention as my own in pursuit of success.