Selfed

In my Yoga teacher training, we practice self-reflection more than I can say I ever done anything else before. Yesterday's reflection was about how seemingly anytime I attempt to do things for myself, I'm met with the tiniest of obstacles or distractions that then become prioritized over my need for self-expression. The spaces I create for stillness always seem to be disrupted by a phone notification, an urge/compulsion to "do" rather than be, or I come across something that I had put off for a while. This episode offers a practice I'm implementing moving forward to stop indulging in the extreme of taking care of needs, to more time to create space for stillness.

From the perspective of an upper lower class person, I've had an opportunity to indulge in necessary luxuries of healing experiences having to disconnect from regular life due to the pandemic.I recognize my value when it comes to my financial worth. It took a whole year of unemployment for me to shift my beliefs from those instilled in me that don't serve me but we made it!

Trusting yourself sometimes looks like deprogramming the beliefs instilled in you by your primary caregivers and environments essential for survival. These belief systems dictate our behaviors and oftentimes no longer serve us at the point of reflecting on them. I’ve been taught that it was selfish to put myself first. In believing that, my behaviors have allowed me to be disrespected at no fault of the perpetrators, but my own for not prioritizing myself and my needs enough to create space showing people that I respect myself.

My buddy hit me with the most epic food analogy that applies to life interactions with people. I was cutting sweet potatoes for fries with my burger. I was putting in a lot of effort for these sweet potato fries. Do you know how hard those are to cut!? My friend just pointed out to me that it's a sweet potato and that I could just make it in a more simple way. His analogy made me reflect on how I adapt myself and try to change others in relationships rather than accepting them for who they are.

In Yoga, the upper back is a place for emotions like frustration, anger and rage. The hips store sexual trauma, but looking at my own life experiences and pre-life experiences, I've struggled with my right to be here which shows up in the root chakra. My life to this point has been about proving that I deserve to be here. Working through and feeling the emotions without the normal distractions I've engaged in allowed for me to feel and heal. I know that because I AM HERE that I deserve to be and my efforts to prove that to anyone is unnecessary.

Here I explore energy in motion. I like to think that's the expanded wording for what emotions are. I had a couple of breakups over the last week and put my lessons from them on display here. I've learned that support, challenge and celebration are important to me in my relationships as these are the ways I feel seen and emotionally safe.

What's wild is that as a black man who dates outside my race, I feel like I can't express myself emotionally with too much intensity because of a genuine concern of it being misinterpreted as hostility. This causes a repression of emotions that turn into an explosion of aggression. We know how that goes in 2021.

When things are going “bad” we tend to have more language and familiarity with the feelings associated with it. However, what happens when things are going well? Why is it weird to feel “good”? Why do we so readily respond to negativity and let that linger within us, but struggle to embrace positivity? Cultivating positive emotions is challenging, but with self-trust, we learn to lead with our intuition, creating more comfort with that process and the positives that come with it.

When you expect success, you begin to manufacture in reality your manifestations from your dreams. These previous episodes are really tying in together very well almost as if a larger structure is coming together. I made a decision for my career and over a 4 day period watched the foundation come together and for once, I was not surprised by things going my way. I also go into how an internal transition will collectively impact the catalyst for an external transition needed by the world considering where it is right now.

Here I break down a dream I had about my energetic capacity simplified by a dolphin and an octopus. An octopus has 8 tentacles, therefore can grasp many things, although if all tentacles are occupied, the octopus is immobile. The dolphin however, while unable to physically grasp things like the octopus, had me captivated by its freedom. Both of these animals represent me. Just because I have the capacity doesn't mean the limit needs to always be stretched thin. Energetically, what happens if perhaps I apply three of my 8 limbs to one task or connection? What does it mean for the connection if I don't grasp at it at all? This challenges my views on focus vs letting go.

I also talk about common unity (community) expands our capacity to serve. The support of those in community with us gives us the ability to rest and recover so that we too can keep the mission moving.

I follow up from episode 06 about having had boundaries asserted on me. This episode I begin with a story of having had to put the shoe on the other foot of that and STILL experienced discomfort around it. What I learned from that experience is that boundaries make us better humans for the next humans we interact with whether we are asserting them or respecting them. To be true to your own boundaries is a demonstration of self-respect.

The main focus of this podcast episode touches on the point of success being a surprise, whereas we expect things to go wrong for us. I share a story and some metaphors of what it looks like to Expect success.