Selfed

How the word "crazy" is used as simply not normal in behaviors. You know what else is not normal? Queer identities and expressions that’s what. How we use crazy, we ought to instead say there's an inconsistency in behaviors and beliefs and that's not normal and perhaps a denial from the perceived “crazy” person. Then with queerness, there's an acceptance of the not normal, but typically more consistent in expression of behaviors and beliefs. This is absolutely not perceived to be negative as crazy may be. So queer is consistent, crazy isn't, yet both are various expressions of "not normal". Let’s explore!

The title is very specific but definitely transitions well into other areas of life. Think about networking, socializing, or anything else one may seek out as a parallel to dating like you're in your ideal relationship. Another pop up aha moment here was how the word "crazy" is used as simply not normal in behaviors. You know what else is not normal? Queer identities. I think this is something to explore in an upcoming episode, as how we use crazy, we ought to say there's an inconsistency in behaviors and beliefs and that's not normal. Then with queerness, there's an acceptance of the not normal, only intentionally, but that is absolutely not perceived as a negative as crazy may be. So queer is consistent, crazy isn't, yet both are various expressions of "not normal". Yup unless something crazy happens, that's next week's podcast topic.

Religion typically upholds tradition. Religious people uphold those traditions outside the relevant context. I had a conversation with a young lady I hope to bring onto the Selfed Podcast to discuss how she plans to evolve and modernize Christianity. I enjoyed our discussion because I learned a lot about myself as I had this conversation as an ally of humans humaning. I learned that my spirituality isn't "against" someone else's religion. I just recognize we are not the same. Out of Context, seeing someone defer their values to be those that no longer fit today's society with their historical context leaves me to believe it to be almost lazy to not have to 'do the work' if you will. Spirituality is about presence, whereas Religion is about upholding tradition. Integrate these two and you have something I'm sure far more people can get behind.

I made the decision to move to Portland, Oregon when I came back from Portland. One of the most common responses I've gotten has been that it's expensive out there or the cost of living is rising. Well what's the cost of NOT living? What's the cost of ignoring your intuition, not giving your passion to the world, repressing your natural expression? That's the real rising cost we should be talking about, the rising cost of NOT living.

Throughout my time back in St. Louis, Missouri since being there, I've come to realize despite the uncertainty of pursuing my passion full time, I have a calming sense of peace about it. I've experienced more anxiety at the thought of NOT moving forward. That's how I know this is in alignment for me.

I'm having to say no to a lot of things in the meantime specifically involving spending money, but each of those no's is a yes to my intention, strengthening its impact to create clarity as I move forward.

Unconditional Acceptance is something I'm learning I struggle with. As someone who tries to change people and situations out of unconditional love, I find myself emotionally drained sometimes and just never figured out why until I was able to take the bird's eye view of my role in my relationship dynamics. The consistent issue is that I drain myself with the inability to accept what is. My work is a great outlet for that need as it supports people in self-acceptance without me trying to control or fix anything about them. I want to apply that to my friendships, relationships, and connection to myself.

Elaborating on my connectual frustrations, I decided to do something about it. I joined a few dating sites, updated my profile because apparently it was "soft", experienced some indirect rejection from a partner I was enthusiastic about and all the while processed what dating is about in regards to holding true to oneself throughout the process. We also talk about this idea of wholeness in masculinity and femininity.

I talk about Flight, Fight, Freeze, another symbolic dream and what the spiritual significance of possums are. Somehow that looped in to my lived reality of dependence and a need to move forward. I As for the podcast title, it's wordplay on sexually frustrated given sex is a way to feel connected and is often a go to for self regulation, I share my experience of repressing and indulging in the sensations. Another key point here is that the intensity of feelings about fear and excitement as well as feelings you get from success and failure (to me) are the same. There's a motivation to move forward that comes from either of those. My choice of response to Triggers aren't limited to fight flight or freeze, but also Forward

Change is on the horizon. We don't always realize our natural state of being until we have a reason to step out of it and come back to it. For me, traveling took me outside of Courtney the trainer, student of Yoga, Honmychest, Call of Duty Player, Partner . . . I got a glimpse back into myself as a dreamer who lives with consistency between my beliefs and behaviors. "How does that serve you?" is what triggered me into understanding my need for more self exploration around where I am and why I'm here.

Changes are on the horizon. Following up the question, “What do I want?” on episode 21, I’ve chosen to take my own advice and set my goal to make my obstacles and opportunities work to support it, rather than letting myself support their limited outcomes for me. One of those transitions includes having guests on to aid in the self education perspective offered here. I’m going to sit with the pros and cons of the podcast transition and decide from there by September.

I have a history of conforming my needs to my external circumstances. A combination of disengaging from who I am a part from my day to day life, a Netflix series, almost dying, and good company really opened my eyes to how back asswards that process is. I'm a firm believer in the power of belief to the point where actions takin in line with the external circumstances actually makes them serve as opportunities to attain whatever you call in for yourself. The quote about making decisions and then making them right was said by a bunch of different people.I feel like I need to elaborate more on the God conversation so maybe that'll come up. There's a question I present here worth sitting on, "When you get someone who knows who they are in a relationship with someone who doesn't, what happens?". My answer is that someone conforms or yields, resentment builds and unhappiness occurs through having settled. That's what I learned from this Netflix show I binged in a day this weekend haha.