Selfed

I’ve been struggling with posting the recordings I’ve made because they were very much me trying to talk in a way that isn’t me. I’ve come to terms with the fact that Selfed is an out loud journal for me to process things. Those who listen will take from it what they need to use as an example for them to process their own things as well. On this episode, I speak to being in the New York Times, which is a major milestone of any successful person to accomplish, but I am more disappointed about it than anything else, which because of this situation, I’ve decided I’m never going to disappoint myself again. How I’ll do that will have to be explained in another episode when I can figure that out for myself. The big takeaway is that I attach a story to situations that make me not want to ask for what I need/want rather than being brave enough to learn the story if that’s even necessary at all. My girl Teal Swan said something that stuck with me, which is that people WANT to meet our needs. That’s a hard thing for me to believe BECAUSE I choose not to act in a way that challenges my belief on it. I challenged my belief on this and affirmed what Teal Swan said when I went to Fan Con Saturday. Details in the episode!

Death is a weird thing. It's an agreement we make with life when we enter this thang, but the reality of it doesn't usually hit until it happens around you. Add a couple relationship transition texts to the mix and you got a recipe for self-reflection right there. What I've come to realize is that relationships I myself don't initiate don't stick. Intentionality is the glue, the essence of connection. The force that drives it toward the relationship or opportunity chosen is the masculine energy of pursuit and initiation. In an effort to play cool, I come off as passive in both relationships and my career. I blame my childhood narrative about my relationship with my mother. I made myself so available and attuned to her needs when she needed me, that I made meeting HER needs look like me meeting MY needs. The indirectness and passivity have set me up to be real successful doing that for donations, but doing it for love and connection just doesn't work.

This one felt a lot like what Selfed ended up being in 2021. I spoke from first person experience and gave real experienced examples of the point I was attempting to make here, and I did the thing that made me delete the podcast previously, which was be real. The discomfort that came up knowing what I’ve said here is something I choose to respond to differently than I would normally. I’d normally FIGHT by biting my tongue, FLIGHT by avoiding offending people, I’d FAWN by intentionally using inclusive language encompassing as many experiences into my story as I could, or I’d FREEZE and redo the whole episode. We’re moving FORWARD through the discomfort and using the energy of the discomfort as excitement to propel us toward our goal of connecting with ourselves.

This episode I share about how roughly 12 situations have come up in the past week where I’ve been flaked on and felt disappointed/deprioritized. I realize my role in these is that I filter in low quality people by making low quality asks of them and setting the bar super low for expectations. It’s like wanting pizza, but asking for a single ingredient to make it because you don’t want to burden the person OR experience rejection. If you want pizza, ask for pizza. Don’t go in asking for sausage, and then maybe some peppers, or pepperoni, because while you’re more likely to get just what you ask for, what you’re also doing is burning in your mind that you’re incapable of getting what you really want. My mini asks in avoidance of rejection accumulated into a big realization of self-rejection. After many mini requests, whether accepted or rejected, I still train myself that I deserve less. Examples can be found in this episode of Selfed with Courtney Brame.

Lauren and I have followed each other on social media out of a mutual passion for sexual health communication. She's a sex coach (Maybe not in the sense you'd think so we elaborate on what that means). Lauren speaks to her own journey to her core identity through her sexuality, using pole dancing to move stagnant energy. We talk about some challenges of dating, her previous long-distance relationship of 2 years not working out because of some vulnerability challenges, and what it means to encourage embodiment and empowerment as she teaches her clients to do! Check out this episode of Selfed and let us know what you think by leaving a review and sharing the episode on your social media. Excuse the snafus we had. I left those in lol.

You can connect with Lauren on Instagram @OhYeahCoaching and check her out for coaching services.

If you've gone down the self-help rabbit hole, what you'll likely have found is that there are many buzzwords being thrown around such as red-pill, high value man, doing the work, be yourself, and a bunch of other contradicting statements on how to live a subjectively better life. After 6 years of interviewing people about one common adversity, what I've found to be consistent is that there's a challenge of identity invalidation that causes suffering for people. We hear buzzwords and we say these buzzwords to back up our choices, but we don't have relatable examples to compare or learn from, so I share my own and some other people I find interesting who'd never have their stories shared because we're not famous.

Here I invite my long-time friend Will to re-open "Selfed", a self-help podcast highlighting everyday experiences relatable to the general population navigating their personal road to their identities. Come get Selfed with us!

When our reality sets our standards, how does that impact us? Honestly, I think settling occurs. I thank AJ and Carl for supporting me in recognizing who I'm not, and then holding true to who I am. I missed last week for so many good reasons, including a birthday. As you know by now, I'm settled into Portland, OR. I secured a spot (house to pay rent at), I got an income secured. The release of heavy, negative energy we harbor in negative emotions strengthen us over time. While we develop resilience from the weight. the real strength is developed in the practice of letting go.

Money is a continental currency that can be exchanged for superficial interactions between consenting individuals. Services are included here as well. What we DON'T tend to look at is the currency of our character. Look at your collective traits that make up your personality and how you walk around and interact with the reality you live in. Are you experiencing wealth and abundance in character? Here I make an attempt to identify what that looks like based on my transition to Portland, Oregon and I hope it helps you!

Here we talk about the raising of standards. I think this could serve as an add on to last week's episode about potential. They actually go well hand in hand. This being my last podcast in St. Louis for now brought me to an emotional state. One of passion, excitement, enthusiasm, all things that come with change.

Partnering for potential presents problems. At its core, what's happening is that we outsource our healing when we do this. What we see in them is ACTUALLY what we hope to have validated within ourselves. By association, if that person meets your standards or requirements for potential, then you're good enough. When we do this, our identities as who we could be, exclusively in association with another person. These standards we hold someone else to may not be sustainable long-term, so when the other person fails to meet them, it validates that we don't meet our own standards. It validates a lack within ourselves. That statement, "don't ask others to do what you're unwilling to do yourself" really connects here because the request being made is that someone else 'do the work' for you (as described in https://selfedpodcast.com/podcast/selfed-04-the-work-of-discovery-exploration-and-expression '. That ain't fair to them or yourself.