She's in the City by NaSHEville

Not everyone is a type-A planner. We know this. But we also know that as women who run companies, support charities, raise children, and keep households afloat, having a plan is how we make things happen. We crave plans because they offer us a delightful illusion of control. If I know what to do to make this right, maybe I won’t worry about what could go wrong? Right? Wrong.

If this year has taught us anything, it’s that control is an illusion and plans are never concrete. They’re more like a map drawn in the sand on a windy day. Both as individuals and as a company, we’ve had to pivot and slow down and rethink how we serve, how we run, and how we facilitate community.  We’ve had personal setbacks and slowdowns to face and re-navigate. And like you we often feel like, “what’s the point?” Is it even possible or worthwhile to make plans with the way the world is right now? 

While we can’t offer a fail-proof solution to these questions, we do want to shift the conversation a bit.

What if we started focusing more on our purpose and less on our plans? What is the difference between plans and purpose?

That’s exactly the real talk we’re having this week. Just as He has for us, we’re hoping God is prompting you to shift the paradigm from “what do I need to do” to “how do I need to approach what I’m already doing?” Don’t just ask, “what is my work to do?” Ask, “what is my purpose in the work that I’m doing?” 

This isn’t an invitation to sit idle and not make goals or set expectations for yourself, your work, and your family. But it is an opportunity to let some of the pressure off in a time that we desperately want control but don’t have it. It’s a chance to live with more anticipation than anxiety. It’s an open door to see what God wants to do in you and through you, neither of which hinges on how well you execute your plans.

Our ultimate purpose is, of course, to follow Jesus and live lives that point others to him. But I believe there is a specific, handcrafted, creative purpose for each of us too, one that God is on the edge of his seat to reveal to his daughters! And that purpose isn’t in contrast to your plans and work. It’s an incredible compliment to it.  When pursued on God’s terms, purpose weaves its way into the work you’re already doing. Finding purpose doesn’t always mean a huge life shift or change. Purpose isn’t a singular, major moment of revelation or an X-marks-the-spot of where you’re supposed to arrive. Purpose in this life, in God’s way and on God’s terms, is a continual uncovering of next steps, next adventures, next lessons to learn and causes to hold compassion for. Even if you find yourself in a conventional job or role that doesn’t feel like it carries much godly purpose, rest assured, it does! You are where you are first and foremost to love, interact with, and receive clients, co-workers, bosses, etc. as Jesus would. You’re there, second, to do your job. 

There is such relief in this! No matter what you choose to do, how you succeed or fail, you can’t screw up God’s purpose of using you for your good and his glory. He’s got it! The ultimate good that comes in our lives isn’t going to be because we put it on the calendar or crossed it off a to-do list. It’s going to come from trust in God’s purposes beyond our own and in the patient enduring of the day to day; in the courage to take one small step forward without knowing the next five; and in being brave enough to move into unsure spaces with sure faith.

The current landscape of our culture has adopted some pretty disheartening and regrettably true monikers over the past decade, a decade redefined and reshaped by social media. Outrage culture. Cancel culture. Us against them. The list goes on and on.  And while genuine conflict with those we are in close relationship is both natural and often necessary, we’ve gone on full attack in this behind-the-screen war zone without any training for how to “fight well” online. True conflict can sharpen relationship. But is the social media boxing ring threatening the way we as a society, as individuals, and as people called to love our neighbors navigate disagreement?

Let’s be perfectly clear: turmoil online is almost never the kind that sharpens or depends relationship. But it’s real, it’s rampant, and it’s right in front of us on a seemingly daily basis. Everyone has a voice, a keyboard, and a louder opinion than the next guy. This week on She’s in the City we dive into some hard, real talk on how to handle this online outrage culture as followers of Jesus.

When do we turn the other cheek and when do we flip tables? How and when do we hold our tongues online and how and when do address antagonism aimed at us from others?

A few things we’ve come up with:

• Do you have a real relationship with the person behind the post?

• Do they have your wellbeing in mind?

• Are your words intended to open minds or close doors?

• Are you offering a solution or just criticism?

• Have you taken time for the passion and emotional defenses to die down before responding?

This is hard stuff, people! It’s easy and fairly low risk to fire bullets from behind a screen. Just as easy as it is to deflect any and all critic of yourself or your beliefs as misrepresented, misinformed, or just plain ignorant. But as those called to love not just friends but enemies, we must heed the difficult but humble words of Tim Keller: 

“Getting defensive about criticism rarely, if ever, leads to healthy outcomes. It has also taught me that our critics, including the ones who mischaracterize and falsely accuse us, can sometimes be God’s instruments to teach and humble us as persons.”

This is the last way we want to receive criticism. But it may, in fact, be the first step away from the battlefield of social media cancel culture, and we, as believers, should absolutely be on the front lines.

For more great biblical insight on this topic, see Pastor Scott Saul’s latest blog post on “Internet Outrage, Public Shaming, and the Modern-Day Pharisee Phenomenon.”

 

Peer pressure doesn’t end in high school.

How much do we wish this statement weren’t true? How great would it be if the mean girls and homecoming courts and rush weeks really did stop after high school or college?

As much as we long for comparison to miraculously dissipate post-classroom, we know all to well that real, adult life is laced with comparison, social expectation, and cultural demands to do and be more. Or be and do differently. This week on She’s in the City, Brooke and I have some real talk about how we’ve experienced peer pressure in a few (of endless) different areas.

Social media and life beyond the squares

I love the way Brooke is constantly reminding us, life is more than “the squares.” We live in an unprecedented time in which anything and everything we do can be cropped, filtered, and sugar-coated with the touch of a finger. And we’d be lying if we said we weren’t grateful for those precious apps that trim a bit of the fat off. But the pressure of social media comes not from the ability to spruce up our photos, rather from the pressure that comes when we start to associate the enhanced with the everyday.

 Though we all know and implement the tricks of Instagram and other platforms, the more and more we scroll, the more inherently susceptible we become to assuming the squares not as filtered, but as expected and achievable realities.  When we look at the cover photo on the front of our favorite magazine (if you still buy magazines), we know the model or celebrity has been photo-shopped. Why not hold our social media friends to the same standard? 

But here is the collective sigh of relief – we actually long for messy more than we long for perfection! When any of us throw up a no-holds-bar, no-makeup, all-this-s**t-is-real photo, people love it! They find hope and acceptance and a breath of fresh air in it. While we all feel the pressure of perfect squares, what we really crave is being seen exactly as we are and loved exactly where we are. This is the gospel! We’re enough when we feel we’re not, and Jesus likes all our photos without any filter.

Social and political conversations

Though social and political turmoil is far from novel in 2020, the unrest in our country right now is loud. With economic fears, racial tensions, and a coming election, our country is primed for another partisan showdown. From the start, NaSHEville has been clear that we are about people, not politics. But when so much of our politics are now about people, we are feeling incredible pressure both to stay silent and to speak out. We’re all trying to figure out the balance between listening and advocating, but the walls seem to be pressing in from every direction.

How do we know our voice or role in tough social conversations? How can we know if our posts or opinions will be helpful or hurtful? How do we tell the truth of what the Bible teaches – about any topic – but maintain the gentleness and respect with which the Lord commands us to speak?

The world wants us to be loud, no matter what we stand for. Shouting often feels like the only option. But we ultimately must go back to what scripture tells us again and again:

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,” –James 1:19

Notice our call is NOT to never speak or never get angry. It is to be slower to react than to lend your ear to another’s perspective. Don’t let the pressure to be loud leave you wishing you’d said nothing at all. We are lovers of all and advocates of truth. Sometimes that comes in different messages, at different times, with different tones, in different octaves. And all of that is okay.

Hustle culture

We’ve all read them, likely followed them, and at some point probably wondered, “why do I feel like anything but a #bossbabe??” The idea of hustle culture is such a fascinating phenomenon. A true case study for how good intentions can lead to toxic outcomes. Now don’t get me wrong. We love nothing more than a girl who lives into her dreams becoming a reality. That is worth toasting every time!

 But there is real sinking sand when the mindset goes from “work hard unto the Lord” (Colossians 3:23) to self-reliance, self-promotion, and self-determination of ultimate worth and value. I know that may sound a bit extreme, but if you boil down the fluff behind much of the “motivation” and “inspiration” and “grind” of hustle culture, that’s generally what you’ll find. Success that is not only self-serving but also shaming to those who might not want the 24/7, #bossbabe lifestyle.

Listen, no one was more powerful and creative and industrious than Jesus. But because of him, our worth is no longer attributed to our power, creativity, and ability to achieve. This is what’s lost in hustle culture, along with the imperative calls for rest and balance to compliment drive and hard work. Without rest, without humility, without having other priorities that give life in ways working hard can’t, we won’t build more. We will eventually burn out or lose sight of who we really are and from where true value comes in the process.

This life we live is chock full of pressures, in a thousand ways and a thousand directions. The key is not ignoring them or dismissing them, but intentionally looking at the square or the comment or the boss babe and saying, “Is this genuine? Is this gentle? Is this something that will ultimately build up or tear down – both me and others?”

If you’re anything like us, this year continues to feel like one we’re just trying to survive. And if we’re honest, any ideas of thriving seem pretty off the table. But this week’s guest, Jennie Lusko, is here to put some fuel back in our tanks and remind us that every day provides space for us to flourish. In her recently published book, Fight to Flourish she grapples with the tough but literal life changing question:

What if the struggles of life aren’t a barrier to thriving but an invitation into your most vibrant days?

Jennie’s call to explore this biblical truth of sanctification through struggle came not just from her work in ministry, but from fighting through her own horrific heartbreak. Just a few weeks before Christmas 2012, Jennie and her husband very suddenly lost their five-year old daughter, Lenya. She knew well God was near, that she wasn’t alone, and that God loved her deeply, but still questions and sorrow plagued.

“What does this mean? How do I keep going? How do I get up the next morning?”

Over the course of the days, weeks, and years, Jennie knew these questions and the thousands more her family would face were going to demand a fight. It’s in that fight that she saw first hand, our most broken days are often the ingredients God uses to make our lives more abundant. Fight the Flourish chronicles her strain to endure the loss of her daughter and also equips us to face our own day-to-day battles. If we are relying on and abiding in Christ, the trials we face don’t have to beat us down. They can actually be seeds God plants and sows in order to make our lives richer. Even in the grief and the grind, we are growing more and more into the abundance Jesus promises. 

“I used to think flourishing wouldn’t happen for me this side of heaven,” Jennie tells us. But the truth is we don’t just flourish once we get to eternity. We can flourish today, right now. We can live strong, vibrant, flourishing lives right in the midst of our struggle. The whole process of the growth is the flourishing. It’s not an arrival. It’s a marathon. It’s a fight. Often times we don’t even feel the growth, but there is peace in knowing and trusting that God is always at work. 

Because God loves us, He is constantly training us for the trials we’ve not yet faced. When we live from a place of consistently rooting ourselves in Him, there’s no battle we can’t fight. We can’t live out of skepticism or fear for what might come, but there is great strength in “pre-loading God’s Word into our souls.”

Find more on Fight to Flourish and Jennie’s ministry @ https://jennielusko.com/thefighttoflourish.

 

As we approach the mid-point of 2020, I think we are all craving an intermission. Any sort of small break from quarantine, health threats, cultural crises and shutdowns. But even with the stress this year has incurred, it has also ushered in some time and margin to reset ourselves and our priorities if we’re willing to do a little work.

This week we talk with Lisa Whittle, author, speaker, ministry leader, who shares her journey into writing (with 7 published books and studies under her belt) including her most recent publication, Jesus Over Everything. And isn’t this what we all need right now, sisters?!? Jesus over everything is a book, study, podcast, and absolute answer for uncluttering the crazy and deescalating the stress of this season. If this m.o. doesn’t get you on board, I don’t know what will:

“IN A CULTURE THAT CARRIES THE CONFUSION OF OVERINDULGENCE, ENDLESS OPTIONS AND INFLUENCER VOICES, THE JESUS-FIRST LIFE CLEARS OUR MINDS AND HEARTS OF NOISE SO OUR SOULS CAN FIND TRUE MEANING AND REST.”

I know what you’re thinking. This is too big an ask, will take too much time, and is a nice practice for people far more spiritual than I am. Like, “That’s a nice bumper sticker, but I don’t know if I can do it.” But Lisa says, you absolutely can.

“I’m the biggest skeptic,” she admits, “but trust me, this is an actual, Word-ordained solution.” Lisa walks us through how to connect the dots of our legitimate, earthly complications and frustrations to the practice of putting Jesus over them all. Not as a bumper sticker, but as something real that we practice in our day-to-day and a posture out of which we can learn to live. 

“IT’S NOT HYPER SPIRITUAL. IT’S A PRACTICAL, GOD-CONSTRUCTED WAY TO UNCOMPLICATED YOUR LIFE! IT CHANGES EVERYTHING. IT CHANGES YOUR YESES AND NOS. IT CHANGES YOUR RELATIONSHIPS AND WHAT YOU’RE WILLING OR NOT WILLING TO PUT UP WITH. AND MORE THAN THAT, IT’S A SANITY SAVOR.” 

Y’all, this will be a huge exhale for you! The literal release valve and palpable freedom that you’re craving. And it all starts with identifying out of place priorities and idols. Surrendering them, or literally putting them under Jesus. Obeying the things scripture calls us to, and sticking with it even through the discomfort of the process.

If this still seems a little too holy to be real for you, go check out Lisa’s 6-weeks to Permanent Priority Shift Series on Jesus Over Everything podcast with practical steps, applications, and processes in the pursuit of putting Jesus over everything in your life. And the good news is, they’re quick, 5-8 minute power episodes! Don’t miss these crucial, direct, and digestible ways to re-set your priorities and un-complicate your life. 

To wrap up Lisa gives us a couple of her go-to 5 Word Prayers. For all the busy mama’s, exec’s, and generally running around crazy SHE’S, find more than 200 hundred quick but Word-rich 5 word prayers here (episodes January-December 2018).

Find all Lisa’s books, episodes, content, and ministry @ www.lisawhittle.com .

Well, it’s CMA Fest week, and for the first time in my literal lifetime, it’s not happening. We all hate it; Nashville hates it; country fans hate it. But in spite of missing our favorite Broadway weekend of the year, we’ve got one of the city’s most genuine, successful, talented female singer/songwriters with us today to talk all things music, creativity, and, you guessed it, Enneagram.

You may not know Jessi Alexander, but you absolutely know her music. Born in Jackson, TN to what she calls a “blue collar but richly creative family,” music, particularly country music, captivated Jessi as a West Tennessee kid. She’s since been in Nashville for 20 years and has been a Grammy nominee as well as a CMA & ACM song of the year award winner. She’s written with and for a countless number of top tier recording artists, a few of which you might recognize:

Miley Cyrus, 2009, "The Climb"     

In her early twenties, Jessi found herself at rock bottom, struggling to keep her contract as a songwriter all while being her mother’s primary care taker as she battled and eventually passed away from ovarian cancer. She gives us the miraculous inside scoop on how this chart-topping, cross-genre hit of her lament and hopelessness in almost giving up her career actually buoyed her back into the success she’s sustained for the past decade. “I still marvel at that song and feel so blessed to be a part of it,” she humbly admits. She even taught Miley how to play it on guitar.

Blake Shelton, 2012/2013, "Drink on It" & "Mine Would Be You"

She shares the depth of hers and Blake’s long-lasting working relationship, collaborations, as well as a testament to his rich humor and generous humanity that all of us hoped was true. Turns out, it is!

Lee Brice, 2012, "I Drive Your Truck"        

One of the pinnacle works of her career, “I Drive Your Truck” is an anthem to any who have lost loved ones. Though not first penned to honor her mother, Jessi says the great impact of the song came simply because its contents are “so the guts of me and of the other co-writers.” The hurt is real, and the story’s truth of how to love, remember, and connect with those who have passed in the beauty of the mundane speaks to any heart in, any phase of grief. 

We celebrate how writing or being creative in any form is such a beautiful and crucial vehicle to process our hardships.

“Even in this [pandemic] hardship, music can keep us steady. It’s a refuge.”

We hit on the history and huge importance of gutsy, truthful storytelling in country music. We even talk through what the enneagram requires of us (at least for Jessi and I) as doers and storytellers and relational people living life as a 3 in quarantine. 

Finally we want to remind ourselves of our responsibility as music lovers to support these committed songwriters and artists during very trying economic times. Go buy their music – not just for your own guaranteed pleasure, but to play your part in sustaining their careers and their families’ income.

Where do we find Evan?

@jessilalexander

www.jessialexandermusic.com

Download her new record, Decatur County Red

Watch the full film including the real story behind, “I Drive Your Truck”

Well we’re almost through May, but we’re still here. Life is giving us glimpses of normal, but the unknown is still hugely blanketing our lives, our work, our families, and dreams. This week we welcome Jessica Carey, wife, mom, speaker, and author of Chart a Course, which released in late 2019. (Fun Fact: her book hit #1 in New Releases for Religious Studies in the first week on Amazon!) Chart a course offers an empowering look at being intentional with our now and at uncovering God’s plan for our future. The truths and teachings in its pages, while penned before this global pandemic, apply in a myriad of ways to the current anxieties and crisis we’re still facing.

In the book and in this episode, Jessica gives tools, tips, and personal testimony on finding courage to follow the dreams that God has written on our hearts. Each of ours is different, but each of us has his divine signature of purpose that is worth find and following.

The core steps of her teaching is this:

• Prepare - There is far more power in God’s purpose and provision than in our own credentials. Don’t question if you have everything you need to get started! If you know a dream is God sent, trust He has the tools, and get ready to set sail. 

• Plan - Even in trusting God’s plan, it’s important to chart your course. However, do prepare to be rerouted in the midst of the journey. God rarely leads in straight lines.

• Persevere - Pursue ways to seek God in big storms and small squalls, whether debilitating or just requiring some buckled-down discipline. He is the source to sustain and direct you so you can endure through setbacks. 

• Praise - Embrace praise and restoration in times of safe harbor, when things are progressing and going well. Also take this time to chart ways you might adjust your trajectory to move farther on the next leg of your journey.

In addition to these sage and practical guidelines (which play out much more like changing tides than linear steps), we also talk much about finding peace in the current crisis. How do we practically seek peace when there is so much real anxiety, unanswerable questions, and general unrest?

We talk about building a crew in social isolation and the power of being the connector of your community. We talk about the vitality of renewing our minds – what that means biblically and practically. And we find huge relief in the fact that these courses we’re set to chart almost always look more like a bunch of small yeses than one huge turning point.

 This season is so hard, whether you’re dreaming big or just trying to hold your home together. Don’t forget the final step in the cycle is praise, in both the big strides or mini-successes. Pour out gratitude to the God who is carrying us, at any and every moment that calls for it, and even in the ones that might not feel like they do. This, sisters, is the oil that keeps the engine running. Happy dreaming!

Where to find Jessica:

@jess_careyaz

JessicaCarey.co

@mrsjessicacarey

This girl! Kat Harris has quickly become our favorite Texan gone New Yorker after our chats this week and next. She’s the founder of The Refined Woman and host of The Refined Collective podcast, the vision for both of which is “to equip and empower single women of faith to walk in their worth and navigate their season grounded in freedom, vision, practical tools, and the occasional dance party!”

Can we get an “amen!”?

This week Kat talks with us about the incredible power we all have simply through intentional prayer. It seems as though God has pressed the ‘pause’ button on the entire planet. Although inconvenient and albeit scary times, it’s also an incredible opportunity to lean in, seek God, and invite His presence into our lives in bigger ways. Often it’s in the unknown that God leads us back to Him. Oswald Chambers says it like this:

“We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God.”

Many of us are doers, fixers. And in this time when we can’t “do” a lot, the best thing we can do is pray to the One who can do anything. But how do we pray? It’s time we go back to the basics, and learn to pray simply, clearly, and with hope!

This week Kat will help us navigate the following topics and tips on how to leverage our power of prayer, both for ourselves and our families, and for the country and globe at large.

• What does Jesus teach us about prayer?
• How do we pray in times of crisis?
• 2 ground rules Jesus lays for prayer
• 6 steps to pray in the ways of Jesus  

 

This girl! Kat Harris has quickly become our favorite Texan gone New Yorker after our chats this week and next. She’s the founder of The Refined Woman and host of The Refined Collective podcast, the vision for both of which is:

“to equip and empower single women of faith to walk in their worth and navigate their season grounded in freedom, vision, practical tools, and the occasional dance party!”

Can we get an “amen!”?

This week she’s here to be real with us about being single and quarantined and how that can feel just about as fun as being in solitary confinement. As if dating wasn’t hard enough, now we have to stay at home while we watch all our friends in relationships and with kids posting all sorts of lovey-dovey pics on social media during this time. In other words…it’s lonely.

How can we be intentional with this time? How can we put ourselves out there where when we can’t get out there? Is there anything we can do to take advantage of this time? Yes. 100%. There’s no better time to work on ourselves than now. (And we sure do have the time for it!). This week’s guest shares with us some of the biggest lessons and take-away’s from the crazy, Netflix reality show that has taken the world by storm: Love is Blind. If people on Love is Blind can fall in love without seeing a person, there may just be a thing or two we can learn from their experience!  

Check out this week’s episode to learn:

• 3 strategies from Love is Blind that will transform your dating life
• 6 Lessons we can learn from the Love is Blind cast 
• 3 Questions to ask yourself in this time before you get out there

 Is love really blind? We don’t know. But we sure are going to keep readying ourselves for it!

With two guaranteed weeks of quarantine left, I know we’ve got some moms feeling absolutely out of control out there! Whether you’re still working or not, you’ve now become the lunch lady, the dry cleaners, the entertainer, and the teacher all at the same time, with no breaks or activities outside your home. We know y’all need some support!

This week on the podcast, we have Rachel Van Kluyve, founder of Crate & Cottage, as well as an author, interior designer, real estate professional and full-time mom. Unlike most of us, however, she’s well accustomed to having her two boys around as she’s homeschooled them both for the past five years. Here’s a few tips from the pro on how to keep your kids learning at home:

1. Give yourself much grace!

2. There is power in structure. A lot of kids need to do their work quickly and early in the morning.

3. If academics feel overwhelming, take this time to teach them life skills instead.

4. And bottom line: what do you want them to remember most from this time? Focus on that! 

She also admits what we are all so thankful is true and acceptable in this season: 

“Most days find you in messy bun and yoga pants.”

Rachel gets honest with us not just about her messy hair, but also about her messy prayers over her long-battled anxiety and how she lost a lot of herself in her early years of motherhood, a struggle we know many moms are facing during this time of social isolation.

“I lost myself in motherhood. All I wanted to be my whole life was a mom, and then I became one, and it threw me in a tailspin.”

Enter her now hugely successful business, Crate & Cottage. What started as a creative outlet to find herself and her value again became not just a saving grace but a full-on career in design, writing, and encouraging women. 

There is incredible power in doing something consistently for yourself as a vehicle to combat anxiety, for making yourself a priority for just an hour. “There’s no wrong way to find your way back to who you are,” she tells us. “I like design because you can control your space, your home. It’s one of the few things you really can control.”

For all of you who need this encouragement and more, listen to this week’s full episode, follow Rachel @crateandcottage, and make sure to order her new book, She Made Herself a Home: Practical guide to design, organize, and give purpose to your space.