Shit's Hard

How I stole my ex’s family dog, Princess. This is the story of how I ended up with Princess, our journey thus far, and where we are now. Princess was my ex’s childhood dog, they got her when he was only 12. She is a country dog who spent her puppy years roaming around open acres in rural Ohio. Now she’s a city gurl living her best life in Los Angeles. She is 12 years old now and we’ve come upon some health conditions including the heart and kidneys. It feels like such a heavy responsibility to give her end of life care. It’s difficult to grapple with her mortality, she’s been here for my entire adult life. I’m just trying to make sure she’s as comfortable as she can possibly be and so so so loved <3

I’ve lived in LA for 3 years now and it’s been a bumpy road, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. LA is a beast of it’s own, especially coming from the midwest. I’m giving you all the deets of my move to LA from Ohio. The value of a dollar, culture shock, and being the jack of all trades. The truth is, if you’re not coming with monies - you’re gonna struggle for a sec. That’s okay, if you’re committed to figuring it out, you will. So if you’re thinking of moving to LA or any big city - this one’s for you.

We’re going over my life plan from here onward. Except I don't really know what that is. I do feel closer to my purpose. I really want to destigmatize mental health issues, provide a safe space for emotions, and connect to other people who may struggle with similar things as I. I want to do this through the podcast. But the title is vulgar!! Do I need to change that? Do I need to *beep* out swear words? But I wanna move to NY and NOT be broke there. Buckle up, this episode is going nowhere, and fast!

I have another storytime for y'all. This man asked me for space a week before I moved in with him. Long-story-short I was in a rocky roommate situation and needed to move out immediately. I exercised all of my options, even reached out to my ex. I know I know stfu. So I asked one of my guy friends if I could move in temporarily, while I figured something else out and ended up staying 4 months. In this episode, I’m giving you all the tea on this insane housing situation, which is thankfully now over.

If you relate to this video, I’m so sorry. Unfortunately, it’s a tale as old as time. A woman rejects a man and he loses his goddamn mind. This is the story of a guy who I was talking to who could not deal with me leaving. As of this recording, he is still calling me on No Caller ID. If you’ve dealt with stalking, unfortunately I’m right there with you. When that No Caller ID pops up, my heart sinks through my ass. The reality is, men are dangerous, violent creatures and you can never be too cautious. I’m so grateful my stalker doesn’t know where I live but that doesn't dismiss the uneasy, anxious feeling I get when his name comes up. Please do not stay silent if this is something you’re experiencing. Tell a few close friends and people you trust. 

Why don’t I take male clients anymore? In short, we just don’t ~vibe~ like that. Today we’re addressing subtle misogyny and what it means to be a woman in a male dominated space. My gym has removed three male members on my behalf and I’m explaining why in this episode. I’m sharing my personal experience as a female trainer and how that has affected my clientele. Misogyny is so deeply embedded in our society it’s easy to overlook. Oftentimes, as women, if we call it out we are labeled as dramatic and crazy. This week, I’m thinking about how I can better support other women in my community.

Have I completely forgiven my mom for her mistreatment? No. But listen, I’m trying. Today we’re talking about how yoga has tremendously helped my mental health. It has calmed my inner self, regulated my nervous system, and has connected me to myself. I’ve gone through phases with my mom. When I was younger it was anger/denial and we would fight every damn day. I was determined to get her to see my perspective. Well, she never did and when I went to college it turned into sad/grieving. I felt like I had played a role in our poor relationship and I questioned why she didn’t value/prioritize me. After college, I realized I don’t want to be angry or sad anymore, I want peace. I want to forgive, not for her, but for me. Through this chapter of forgiveness, I’ve learned there are no good or bad people. Simply put, there are just people. I don’t want to villainize her and victimize myself. I want to have strong boundaries, control what I can, and let go of the rest.

We’re getting into the thick of it with mommy issues, going no-contact, and EMDR therapy. Long story-short I’ve had a poor relationship with my mom my whole life. Now, my sibling is going no contact and I’m trying to figure out - what does this mean for me? I know that my mom’s issues with me are a reflection of her own unhealed trauma, but how do I tell my younger self? Because she is still hurting. I’ve started EMDR therapy recently in an attempt to dig up the past and move through those difficult emotions. People are entirely complex and multifaceted. It’s possible my mom was doing her best and simultaneously - it wasn’t enough.

HOT DAMN, life has been kicking the shit outta me since season 2. I have gone through 2 cars, moved from 3 different apartments, and been diagnosed with ADHD - all since January. I’ve been having difficulty with focus and attention since I was a kid. It’s been affecting me more this year than ever before. I’ve been letting my passions fall to the wayside to make room for the current chaos of my life - but I’m done. Life is always gonna throw a wrench in my plans and I don’t wanna let it control my life anymore. I’m taking the power back. This episode is an introduction to season three, an attempt to have blind faith that things will work out, and actively denying the chaos of my life the ability to distract me from my shit.

Ughhh wtf am I doing with my life?? Throwback to the very first episode. I’ve been overwhelmed with anxiety of the future since I ever realized I had a future. We’re talking about making decisions, detaching from outcomes, and having faith that it will all workout. There are really no wrong choices, as long as you’re doing what you believe is best for you. We’re going over my goals and future career and trying to get a better understanding of what I want, because this shit is hard :///