SmartLoving Conversations

Communication has long been seen as the key to a healthy marriage. Modern experts call into question this wisdom, suggesting that it is not communication, but connection that is the key to lasting marital happiness.

Communication in relationships is often misunderstood. Most peo ple think that good communication involves choosing the right words and learning how to listen better. Or learning how to ‘read’ another person’s body language. This is a very narrow understanding and it can mislead us into thinking that all we need to do is learn some ‘communication techniques’. A more helpful approach is to think about ‘connection’.

https://smartloving.org/soulful-communication/

In a world that pulls couples apart, a simple ten-second kiss IS a small act of love with big rewards.

Regular readers of SmartLoving will be familiar with the Connect Kiss – a daily connection ritual we promote to couples. It consists of a smoochy kiss that lasts at least ten seconds.

We recommend it at two key points in our day: the point of separation at the beginning of the workday, and the point of reunion at days’ end.

https://smartloving.org/long-live-the-ten-second-kiss/

Marital resilience starts with a well-grounded understanding of what marriage is and what it isn’t.

A lot of couples get themselves into trouble because they make a very simple mistake: they expect marriage to make them happy. In practice, this mindset translates into an expectation that their spouse must make them happy. So whenever they are not happy, they project their unhappiness onto their spouse, making their spouse responsible and adding stress to the relationship.

https://smartloving.org/resilience-of-the-marital-kind/

We live in a culture that champions unfiltered self-expression. We’re told that honesty is the ultimate virtue in relationships – that I have a right to say what’s on my mind, whenever I feel like it, and that our spouse should be ready to listen.

It’s a message that sounds liberating: no masks, no pretence, just pure, raw authenticity. But as Catholic spouses striving to live out our vocation, we’ve come to see that unregulated self-expression can be a dangerous practice in marriage. It’s not as loving, kind, or effective as the world might have us believe.

https://smartloving.org/editing-ourselves/

“You can either be right, or you can be one, but you can’t be both”. Our mentors were talking to us about a frustrating argument, and we were both digging in.

They were right, of course, but we struggled to put it into practice. It would not be the last time either. Like just this past weekend.

The argument was over handling a distressed toddler. It’s a well-worn path for us, and now it’s playing out through our grandchildren.

https://smartloving.org/when-i-am-winning-we-are-usually-losing/

We often find ourselves chatting with engaged couples who want to write their own wedding vows. They tell us the traditional language feels stiff or too generic, and we get it—their love is unique, and they want their words to reflect that. It’s entirely understandable, and it reminds us of what we were thinking when we were preparing for our marriage.

https://smartloving.org/our-way-or-gods-way/

No matter how easy it is to fall in love, staying in love requires attention and effort. Most people drift into love, marriage and family without a whole lot of conscious planning about the kind of relationship they want to have five, 10 or 20 years down the track.

https://smartloving.org/intentional-relationship/

“I wanted to help, but I didn’t know how.” If you’ve been in the position of having a friend, parishioner, or family member confide their marital problems, you’re in the majority – 69% of adult men and 78% of adult women have been there. For priests, we suspect that number reaches 100%.

Unless you’ve had specific training, these situations can be unnerving. We all hate to see loved ones suffering, and while our instinct is to help, knowing what’s genuinely helpful isn’t always obvious.

Through our work in the SmartLoving apostolate, we’ve walked alongside many couples and spouses in distress. This experience has taught us valuable lessons about effective support while working within our limitations.

https://smartloving.org/how-to-help-a-struggling-marriage/

Our romantic memories are the fabric of our couple history. When we reconnect with these memories, we reinvigorate our emotional connection in the present and set a positive tone for our future together.

https://smartloving.org/keeping-love-alive-in-the-present-moment/

A corporate leader in India recently made headlines by suggesting his employees should work a 90-hour week, quipping, “What do you do sitting at home? How long can you stare at your wife, how long can the wife stare at her husband?”

His remarks sparked quite the reaction, with some couples posting photos of themselves “staring” at their spouses and dubbing Sunday as “#stareday”.

While the executive’s comments were meant to promote productivity, they inadvertently highlighted something profound about marriage: the immeasurable value of simply being present with our spouse.

As marriage educators, we often hear couples lament about not having enough time together. Between work demands, children’s activities, and life’s constant urgencies, quality time can feel like an ever-elusive luxury.

Yet this “stare time” – those precious moments when we can simply be present with our spouse – isn’t just a nice-to-have. It’s essential for building and maintaining a strong marriage.

https://smartloving.org/the-gift-of-staretime/