Smarty Pants Lance

Lance says no thanks to the family Thanksgiving get together.

The travel, the expense, the lousy customer service, the no so "world-famous" dishes, the annoyingly secretive and braggadocious relatives are all not worth it He ponders why he should put up with all the preceding just to spend time with people he doesn't see or speak with all year long.

Lance compares Turkey versus ham, versus Vegan, people. Vegans are automatically out. They'd be thankful to not have anyone enjoy animal products. Instead, how about a nice slice of highly processed disgusting Tofurkey. Turkey people are traditionalists who take pride in preparing a tasty bird. Ham people are lazy. They' rather stand in or on line to let someone else do the cooking and cut down on cleaning.

Yams aren't usually yams. "Yam" is just a marketing gimmick. Cranberries are always good, but don't talk about how they help urinary tract infections at the table.

Now, be grateful for, and enjoy, another fine episode, and don't be a turkey!

Smarty Pants Lance takes you into the kitchen to share some of how movie are made. Ol' Smarty is from the south, don't ya know, and he comes a callin' to see where a co-worker is at.

His scene features a petite albino and her giant raven-haired sister. Why didn't he just call ahead?

Lance shares a famous Orson Welles, quote, "A poet needs a pen, a painter a brush, a director an army. Yes a director does need an army and you hear examples, why.

So, pop a brew, and kick off your shoes. "Set" uh spell on the cement porch, as Lance describes his seven line scene which took half a work day to shoot. Please pass the popcorn.

Smarty Pants Lance holds a stethoscope up to Medical Assistants ("MA"). Since they've no brains, he didn't expect a pulse.

There are three kinds of medical assistants: dumb, dumber, and dumbest. Becoming , Lance gets the dumbest.

Becoming a medical assistant is easy. It's perfect for those who want to qualify for something just by taking an online course.

Lance rants. He describes medical assistants are 20-30 year-old women in the Los Angeles area who are stupid, lazy, and just plain, don't care. He says they've a collective intelligence below that of a wacky, waving, arm flailing, inflatable, tube-man. Even, DMV employees look down up on them.

Lance describes a particular encounter at a doctor's office. The encounter includes a medical assistant taking his blood pressure, seeing it's completely normal- even low normal- and immediately asking him if he has high blood pressure.

When asked about surgeries throughout his lifetime, Lance has some fun by telling the genius medical assistant his first surgery was a bris when he was six days old. It was performed by a Mohle in a relative's living room 1965. The MA cannot comprehend what Lance describes. Check out his detailed description of her questions and his answers.

President Clinton chimes in at the end. He tells Lance, "I feel your pain!"

Smarty Pants Lance was and is a licensed attorney at law in California. A large part of his legal practice was criminal defense. Beaver Clever sez: No foolin'!

In this episode, Lance describes quirky courtroom antics, the difference between infractions, misdemeanors, and felonies, police prostitution sting operations, and his opinion that it's a true crime not to show, Mel Brooks's classic movie, "Blazing Saddles." An honorable mention goes to another, Mel Brooks classic, "The Producers."

If you're fishing for fun, or how to spot a police decoy, Lance turns in an episode which goes rapidly from plain to penal!

Smarty Pants Lance, inspired by the Foreigner song, "Feels Like The First Time," questions whether the first time the best time?

Introduced by The Duke himself, John Wayne, Lance tells the tale of his first three times, or attempts which included, among other things, a Pith Helmut a la 1930's-40's jungle movies, a creaking bed, stubbed toes, not one, but two, count 'em, two condoms at the same time, parents on the other side of the wall. three white, toy poodles with anxiety disorders, a gay man's bed in a Roman style bedroom festooned with velvet paintings of leather clad, bare-chested men wearing sunglasses and a mirror on the ceiling, and later, having to wait a whole week due to "God's little gift."

Is Lance full of swamp gas, or did he make it through a jungle of nerves to discover a long sought treasure?

Smarty Pants Lance takes a look at a person's looks. Do looks matter? Do people look like their pets, cars, environments? What about a person's character? We've all known some "characters" haven't we?

Do better looking people have an easier life? Make more money? As the song says, is everything beautiful in it's own way? What about facial moles? And don't get me started on bad hygiene gross grooming habits, or a woman with a short, angular, "I'm a bitch" haircut..

Is attraction initially all about our caveman DNA programming? Do short men have a chance with women?

There's just so much to take a look at, rather. take a listen to. And despite what your 6th grade language arts teacher told you. today, you may end a sentence with a preposition.

Here's lookin' at you!

Smarty Pants Lance talks about the comings, goings, and doings of weekends. Is it true that everybody's working for the weekend, as the 80's band, Loverboy proclaimed. Are weekends made for Michelob? Didn't weekends come into existence, first? If so, Michelob was made for weekends; not the other way around.

What about weekend dates? I'm looking for my Friday, or Saturday, steady, as they said in the 50's to early 60's Do you desperately, "swipe right" on tinder or Bumble all week long, hoping for a weekend coffee date?

And what does real Coca Cola in a glass bottle and made with cane sugar have to do with weekends?

Going to see a weekend movie, such as "Titanic." Which happens to be the movie that made me skip all movies for a generation.

Those topics and so much more as Smarty Pants Lance leaves the ol' 9-5 behind, and heads out for another, "wild" weekend.

Smarty Pants Lance dons his visor and sleeve garter, grabs his adding machine, and totals up the cost in Costco and other discount membership warehouse stores.

Go right on in, have a look around, and find bargains galore! A bargain is something you don't really need, at a price you can't afford to turn down!

Fill up on highly processed food samples while you empty your wallet! Please don't leave until you've spent it all!

Here's a great idea for a date: Meet at the outside food counter and have a slice of pizza pie or n all "beef" dog. Then, go inside and watch a movie on one of the TV's for sale!

There's no discount to Lance's humorous take on membership discount warehouses.

Smarty Pants Lance talks about flakey people. They're not just on the Westcoast, anymore!

Why are people so darn flakey? It's not a new phenomenon. In the past, Lance has befallen victim by flakes since his high school days.

These days he has a no flake policy. If meeting or getting together, the person agreeing to meet, or get together, must confirm via text 24 hours in advance, or hell no, Lance won't go! If the person meeting Lance is 5 minutes late for any kind of meeting, even Zoom, and doesn't text that they're running late, and a legit reason, therefor, Lance says adios!

No flake is Lance. Here's another Smart Pants Lance episode delivered on time and as promised!

In this, change-of-pace, episode, Smarty Pants Lance waxes sentimentally about his long ago and dearly departed rescue- a Husky mix- he named, Amanda or "Mander T. Commander."

Was it fate or coincidence that brought then together? Lance prefers to believe it was fate. You decide. The correct answer is fate!

A "shaggy dog story" of two who needed each other. For those who worry about rescuing a dog, please keep in mind, she was a very good girl!