Standing Nowhere

My first podcast guest is my mom, Diane Buehler—and this conversation goes places I never expected. She shares stories I'd never heard in detail: growing up on five acres in Indiana eating the pigs she raised for 4-H, hitchhiking as a teenager in California, joining a traveling Christian theater group that performed in San Quentin, and meeting my dad at Bible college over joints and parties that led to 11 years of domestic violence.

This is a raw, honest conversation about survival. Mom shares what it was like being timed at the grocery store, hearing my dad talk about her to himself when he thought she'd left, living in fear with fists hovering over her saying "I'm going to kill you," and the moment she finally grabbed us four kids and drove to her sister's house. We discuss the pediatrician who told her "just walk" when she said I was depressed at age 10, the marriage counselor who said "choose the best of two evils," and why she stayed five more years after that.

But this isn't just about abuse—it's about what came after. Getting out with a five-month-old baby, going on welfare with a bachelor's degree, getting her master's in teaching while raising four kids alone, the Gonzaga law students who represented her divorce for free, working 70 hours a week in Las Vegas, becoming pregnant with her fifth child in a second failed marriage, dealing with her son's decade-long addiction to meth and fentanyl, and the power of praying over sleeping children in cribs.

Mom reflects on generational sin, the cost of being too busy to be present, why "just do the right thing" took her 60+ years to understand, her trauma therapy and grounding practices, and how she maintained faith as a "lukewarm Christian" through all of it. Featuring wisdom on domestic violence escape planning (shelters, legal aid, the danger of going back), the brainwashing that keeps victims trapped, why emotional abuse destroys self-esteem, and what she'd tell her younger rebellious self.

We close with Isaiah 43: "When you walk through fire, you shall not be burned and the flame shall not consume you."

Content warning: This episode contains detailed discussions of domestic violence, physical and emotional abuse, and addiction.

If you or someone you know needs help: National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (7233) or thehotline.org

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Standing Nowhere is a contemplative spirituality podcast exploring mindfulness, meditation, and what it means to be human through vulnerable storytelling.

Forty-five minutes after meditating, feeling centered and peaceful, I flipped off a driver who cut me off on the freeway—with my kids in the car. He slammed on his brakes. I almost rear-ended him. I flipped him off again. He braked harder. The guy who was floating on a meditation cushion that morning was now blind with rage, endangering his own children over getting cut off in traffic.

This episode is about anger—the fire that burns the house you live in while you wave your fists at the neighbor. I share my greatest anger hits: destroying a PlayStation controller so violently it exploded (the frame damage still hangs on my wall as a reminder), working 60-hour weeks for $1 tips while watching corporate profits soar, and the rage simmering in this country that led Luigi Mangione to execute a healthcare CEO. We explore why anger eclipses awareness, how it's actually inside us rather than caused by external circumstances, and the paradox of holding both relative truth (injustice is real, rage is justified) and ultimate truth (it all belongs, even the painful parts) simultaneously.

Featuring wisdom on anger as a teacher and mirror, the Buddha on killing anger with its "honeyed crest and poison root," the Third Patriarch of Zen on having no preferences, Thich Nhat Hanh on breathing with anger until it transforms into compassion, Jesus on loving enemies, MLK's "we will match your capacity to inflict suffering by our capacity to endure suffering," Osho on risking everything for awareness, Kabir on searching for the crooked and finding it within, Rumi on not getting stuck in winter, and the farmer parable on "you never know."

We also discuss: why $2.7 trillion goes to war while $37 billion could end world hunger, the difference between reacting and responding, why hatred is never appeased by hatred, Paul's "peace that surpasses understanding," and how to be a cooling presence instead of adding fuel to fires.

If you've ever lost your center in an instant, raged despite your spiritual practice, or struggled to find compassion when the world feels unjust—this one's for you.

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Standing Nowhere is a contemplative spirituality podcast exploring mindfulness, meditation, and what it means to be human through vulnerable storytelling.

In this milestone 10th episode, Jacob explores the paradox of trying too hard—how the more we strive for outcomes, the more we get in our own way. Drawing from his experiences as a burned-out gig worker, anxious gamer, and devoted parent, he examines the difference between healthy effort and destructive striving.

Through stories from Buddhist, Taoist, Christian, and Hindu traditions—including Milarepa's demons, the Taoist archer, and Krishna's teaching to Arjuna—Jacob reveals how we can show up fully in life while releasing attachment to results. He shares vulnerable moments from his own practice: the panic of uncertain rent payments, the magic of beginner's mind during a Taco Bell delivery, and playing Batman with his son while bills loom.

The episode weaves together ancient wisdom with raw present-day struggle, asking: What if we could work hard without the internal striving? What if we could face our demons by putting our head in their mouth? What if effort could feel like dancing instead of drowning?

Topics explored: The middle way between striving and passivity • Virya (spiritual enthusiasm) and Wu Wei (effortless action) • Using striving as a pointer to return to presence • Parenting without crushing natural beauty • Finding stillness in financial chaos • The illusion of the separate self

Perfect for: Anyone feeling burned out from trying too hard, spiritual practitioners struggling with "efforting" in meditation, or anyone seeking to find peace while still showing up for life's demands.

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Standing Nowhere is a contemplative spirituality podcast exploring mindfulness, meditation, and what it means to be human through vulnerable storytelling.

I was outlining this episode on a Friday night during a pickup at a noisy sushi bar, surrounded by laughter and music, quietly drafting notes about stillness. The irony wasn't lost on me—but that's exactly when the teaching comes, in the chaos before you learn to find the silence within.

This episode is about why daily spiritual practice isn't optional anymore. Not because it's virtuous or enlightened, but because I was cracked open. I hit rock bottom thinking "it would be easier not to exist than to exist," and at that moment, I realized my mind couldn't carry me anymore—I needed something deeper. The silence I'd been running from with cannabis, energy drinks, TV, and video games was the only thing that could actually save me.

I share what happened when I finally stopped numbing: sobbing hysterically during meditation, missing my son so intensely I could barely breathe, chronic rent anxiety waking me at 3am, friends and church paying my bills while I struggled to accept help, my radiator fan dying on top of everything else. The grief I'd been suppressing for years came flooding up the moment I sat still—and it needed to. As Ajahn Chah said, "If you haven't wept deeply, you haven't begun to meditate."

We explore the Beatitudes in Aramaic (not "blessed are the meek" but "flourishing are those empty of ego, whose breath is not clenched"), Meister Eckhart's "the word is hidden in the soul, heard only in silence," Thich Nhat Hanh's tree-in-storm metaphor (bring attention down to the trunk, not the branches), Rumi's "Two Shops" poem about living in the nowhere you came from, Jesus on "consider the lilies—they neither toil nor spin," Chuang Tzu's archer who goes blind when shooting for gold, the Dalai Lama on never needing to worry, St. John of the Cross on dark nights as purification, and Osho's "don't seek, don't search—relax."

Featuring wisdom on why emotions are storms that pass (but you need practice BEFORE the storm arrives), how practice reveals what's buried in your soil, why receiving help is hard when you want to fix everything yourself, the difference between thinking you're gliding like an eagle vs. being the eagle, how apple trees bear apples and the universe bears people (you're not a mistake), and why letting go isn't weakness—it's precision.

If you're afraid of what you'll find in the silence, exhausted from running, or wondering why you should meditate when life is already overwhelming—this one's for you. The silence is trustworthy. The practice is necessary. And you are not separate from the whole.

I'm also announcing a new side series called "Unpatterned" for honest reflection on breaking mental patterns, specific practices like Vipassana and Zazen, and the false stories we inherit.

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Standing Nowhere is a contemplative spirituality podcast exploring mindfulness, meditation, and what it means to be human through vulnerable storytelling.

I was carrying a 40-pack of water up three flights of stairs in 115-degree Arizona heat, sweating through my shirt, for a customer who barely tipped—and I felt grateful. Not sarcastically. Actually grateful. Because this is my life right now: a gig worker in my 40s, forced to accept 70% of all orders or get no work at all, making $20,000 less than last year while working more hours, taking orders that feel humiliating. And somewhere in those stairs, I chose reverence instead of resentment.

This episode is about finding gratitude when life feels like a complete failure. I share the inner critic that's followed me since graduating high school a year late, the voice that says "you screwed up—you should have a career by now, own a house, spend more time with your kids." The devastation I feel listening back to podcast episodes thinking I failed again. The yo-yo dieting, the cannabis relapses when my son moved out, the energy drink addiction I keep trying to quit. And Master Yoda's words that cracked me open in the theater: "The greatest teacher, failure is."

We explore the original Hebrew meaning of "fear of the Lord" (actually reverence to be, reverence for existence), Paul on having the same mind as Christ who "emptied himself," Lao Tzu's contentment ("I alone possess nothing, I drift like a wave"), St. John of the Cross on dark nights that annihilate our meannesses, compassion for the people hardest to love (the McDonald's manager who chewed me out, my father whose anger scarred me, corporate CEOs destroying the planet), Jesus forgiving from the cross ("they know not what they do"), and the lake reflecting moonlight (stillness reveals your true nature).

Featuring wisdom on failing forward vs. being defined by failure, loving yourself when you can't quit your addiction, embracing withdrawals with gratitude, seeing everyone as "the million masks of God" (including the person on a scooter at Walmart), why judgment of others is really judgment of self, "loose the bonds in your heart" (Aramaic for forgiveness), the two thieves on either side of Jesus (regret and worry) while he stays present in the middle, and Lao Tzu's "supreme good is like water, content with low places people disdain."

We also discuss: my confrontation with a district manager where I caught the anger rising and chose compassion instead, forgiving my father for things I'll never forget, having compassion even for your inability to forgive, Martin Luther King Jr.'s "we will wear you down with our capacity to suffer," and thanking your body for carrying you through everything.

If you're drowning in self-criticism, feel like a failure despite trying so hard, or wonder how to find gratitude when life keeps kicking you—this one's for you. Can you say thank you to the sky for putting on new clothing every day? Can you have reverence for simply being alive?

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Standing Nowhere is a contemplative spirituality podcast exploring mindfulness, meditation, and what it means to be human through vulnerable storytelling.

This isn't a music review—it's a spiritual reflection on a piece of art that changed how I see life and death. Avenged Sevenfold's Life Is But a Dream is a meditation on losing yourself, dissolving the ego, and discovering you were never separate from the cosmic dance. If you've never heard the band or this album, you'll still get everything from this episode. But if you listen while I walk you through it, bring tissues—especially for track 5.

We explore the album as a journey: "Game Over" (life losing its flavor, the script going stale, waking up to "I don't belong here anymore"), "Mattel" (the plastic veneer of consumer culture, our soul screaming "we've found ourselves in hell"), "Nobody" (the dissolution of separate self, "there's no I," being "absolutely nobody" as Osho teaches), "We Love You" (corporate sarcasm and endless desire—"more power, more pills, more sex"), and the jewel at the center: "Cosmic."

"Cosmic" is love set to music—all the joys and sorrows of existence wrapped into one song. It's the most important song I've ever heard. The lyrics promise "dancing in the wind as roses born again, there you'll find me" and "riding in the caves as fire lights the way, there you'll find me." Then it collapses into innocence and explodes into what I can only describe as the sound of angels—love itself rendered in music. People you've lost speak to you through this song. Your soul speaks to you. The universe speaks to you.

Featuring wisdom on Hebrew shuv (repentance as returning home, not guilt), the prodigal son's "when he came to himself," Proverbs on God "playing" (not rejoicing—the Catholic Church changed it), Job's "Yahweh gives and Yahweh takes, praise be," Isaiah's "I form light and create darkness," Thich Nhat Hanh's "Please Call Me By My True Names" (read in full—the poem that explains all of Buddhism), Ram Dass on jumping from a plane with no parachute and no ground (you're not falling, you're flying), Osho on being nobody as "one of the greatest experiences in life," St. John of the Cross on "God's first language is silence," and Lao Tzu on the master who "gives himself up to whatever the moment brings."

We discuss: why the album opens with metaphorical suicide (not literal—it's ego death), how corporations tell you "we love you" while stoking endless desire, why hyper-individualism creates suffering ("you're a unique snowflake" meets "success or failure is your own doing"), the Hindu concept of Leela (divine play), erasing the imaginary outline around your skin that makes you feel separate, and why "the prince of darkness is but the other face of the king of light."

The final track ends with the highest and lowest piano notes played simultaneously—symbolizing it's all one thing.

If you've ever used art to process grief, felt like you don't belong in the script anymore, or wondered what it means to be "nobody"—this one's for you. Life Is But a Dream by Avenged Sevenfold. Listen to "Cosmic" first if nothing else.

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Standing Nowhere is a contemplative spirituality podcast exploring mindfulness, meditation, and what it means to be human through vulnerable storytelling.

I threw my sunglasses on the ground and watched them shatter. My brother had just spent all day helping me fix my car in brutal heat—again—and when we took it for a test drive, there was a loud squealing sound. My brain panicked. I hadn't slept well in days. I'd just quit smoking weed to stop numbing myself. I was behind on rent and bills. And I lost it. Threw my favorite sunglasses—the ones I'd done thousands of deliveries with—onto the pavement and watched them break.

So much for being the centered podcast guy talking about peace.

This episode is about impermanence—how everything you love is dying, changing, or already gone. My son moved out last year and I walk past his empty room every day. I still cry about it. Two of my best friends from poker nights—Chris on his motorcycle and Pat who welcomed me into the crew—both died suddenly. My rent went from $1,100 to $2,400. My insurance went from $80 to $350. I totaled a car with a brand new motor by driving through a rain puddle. Financial stability I'd enjoyed my whole life just vanished.

The Buddha's first great insight after enlightenment: "All that has the nature to arise also has the nature to cease." Everything changes. Your body, your relationships, your job, your kids, your spiritual highs—all of it. And we spend our lives either clinging desperately or running from this truth.

Two mornings ago during Vipassana meditation, I finally let myself feel how much I miss my son. I'd been numbing the pain with cannabis since he moved out, sweeping it under the rug. When I quit, the grief came flooding up during my sit—and I sobbed. That's when I realized: I have to look at the bronze snake. I have to embrace the pain instead of fighting it.

Featuring wisdom on Hebrew hevel (vapor, mist, breath—not vanity), Ecclesiastes' "a time to be born and a time to die," the bricklayer's accident (hilarious parable about clinging to the rope causing more pain), Ajahn Chah's beautiful teacup ("I see it as already broken, so I enjoy it incredibly"), Jesus on "those who try to save their life will lose it," Alan Watts on how your son "doesn't belong to you—he's the delegated adaptability of Tao," Vipassana practice (choiceless awareness, watching things arise and fall), virya (spiritual energy/courage), Star Trek's Nog hiding in the holosuite until Vic says "you've got to play the cards life deals you," Isaiah on "I am doing a new thing," and Rumi on "smile like the rose at loss and gain."

We discuss: why remembering everything will die helps you live more vividly NOW, the difference between appreciating and clinging, how withdrawals should be embraced not confronted as enemies, why our culture worships youth and fears death (making life joyless), Jack Kornfield's teacher holding up the teacup saying "to me it's already broken," practicing with the puppy-dog mind that wanders during meditation, and why "you can't stop the waves but you can learn how to surf."

The paradox: Yes, everything passes. But whatever leaves always makes room for what comes next. "Behold, I am making all things new."

If you're terrified of losing what you love, clinging so hard it hurts, or numbing yourself to avoid facing impermanence—this one's for you. Let go, or you'll get rope burn.

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Standing Nowhere is a contemplative spirituality podcast exploring mindfulness, meditation, and what it means to be human through vulnerable storytelling.

My clutch pedal sank to the floor halfway through a Chipotle delivery. I heard a pop, the pedal hit the ground, and my income vanished instantly. I'm a gig worker—no car means no money. It's Sunday as I record this, the Kia dealership doesn't open until Monday, and I have no idea how I'm paying my bills next week. I lost $250 in earnings today.

But I remembered the Dalai Lama: "If you can fix a problem, there's no need to worry. If you can't, there's no need to worry. There is never a time to worry."

This episode—my one-month podcast anniversary—is about why forcing change never works. I've failed to change my habits for YEARS. Diet, cannabis, video games, nutrition—I'd white-knuckle it for 3-4 weeks maximum, then crash. My wife: "You go in extremes: eat everything or nothing, then wonder why it's not working." She was right. I was treating habits like enemies to defeat instead of patterns to release.

Then something shifted. I stopped forcing it. I cultivated stillness instead. I lost 15 pounds without even trying—just by desiring to feel present more than I desired to numb myself with food. The change arose by itself when I stopped striving.

Today I walked to the gas station with my four-year-old son Leon, unhurried, and he said "Dad, I love when you stay home with me." I almost cried. I work 50-60 hours a week with no breaks, no days off. The little free time I have, I've been numbing with cannabis (now quitting), video games, and bad food to blunt the pain of not being present for my kids.

Featuring Fred Rogers on "this is a noisy world" and how silence is the gift we don't give anymore ("it's the white spaces between paragraphs that matter"), Psalm 23 with Yahweh (being itself) leading you beside still waters, Jesus on "consider the lilies—they neither toil nor spin," Lao Tzu's "can you wait until your mud settles and the water is clear?", Anakin and Luke Skywalker both causing the outcomes they feared by trying to control them, the Buddha on desires subsiding when you simply observe them, and the Zen saying "sitting quietly doing nothing, spring comes and the grass grows by itself."

Why the harder you try to force habits the more you fail, Paul's ancient struggle "I do what I don't want to do," how a picture of my infant daughter stopped me from eating frozen pizza (considering "how will this affect others I love?"), the difference between pleasure and happiness, and why you can't pull daisies up to make them grow faster.

I'm starting a side series on breaking habits—updating you on my fat loss, cannabis quitting, and presence practices. Not to be a guru, but to be accountable and vulnerable.

If you've failed to change habits a thousand times, keep forcing and failing, or feel like willpower is a lie—this one's for you. Stop forcing it. Cultivate stillness. The right action arises by itself.

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Standing Nowhere is a contemplative spirituality podcast exploring mindfulness, meditation, and what it means to be human through vulnerable storytelling.

What if the thing standing between you and reality isn't ignorance — it's knowledge?

In this episode, Jacob unpacks what mysticism actually is and where it came from — not as magic or esoteric religion, but as the natural counter-current that arose in every major spiritual tradition when people got too lost in words and concepts to experience the thing the words were pointing to.

Through the illusion of measurement, the Hindu concept of maya, the Garden of Eden, and the show's own cover art, Jacob walks through why reality can't be captured by labels — and why every tradition from Taoism to Christianity to Sufism produced mystics who kept insisting: don't take my word for it. Look for yourself.

This episode covers:

• Why all concepts — including "you" — are useful but not really real
• Maya, the Fall of Man, and the veil we layer over experience
• What mysticism means etymologically and why silence is at its root
• Lao Tzu's Tao Te Ching — Verses 1, 2, and 11
• Life as music, dance, and sincere play (Alan Watts)
• Yahweh, Yeshua, and the "I Am" running through Proverbs and the Gospels
• Rumi, Kabir, and Meister Eckhart all saying the same thing from different traditions
• Closing with Rumi's The Guest House

If you've ever felt like spirituality was either too religious or too abstract — this episode is the on-ramp.

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Standing Nowhere is a contemplative spirituality podcast exploring mindfulness, meditation, and what it means to be human through vulnerable storytelling.

What if you've never actually met yourself?

In this episode, Jacob invites you into a simple experiment — sit down, watch your breath, and notice what happens. What you'll find is that thoughts arise on their own. You don't do them. They do themselves. And the one watching them isn't a thought at all.

Drawing from Buddhism, Christian mysticism, and a brutally honest story about a 3am financial crisis that brought him to his knees on a meditation cushion — Jacob walks through what it actually means to be awake, what prayer really is in its oldest sense, and why love and awareness might be two names for the same thing.

This episode covers:

• The mindfulness experiment and what it reveals about your true nature
• Why you are not your thoughts — and what you actually are
• Kalu Rinpoche: being nothing, being everything
• Meister Eckhart and Jesus on the watcher within
• Suffering as pain times resistance
• Prayer in Aramaic (salotha) — not asking, but presenting
• A raw, personal story about sitting with financial fear at 3am
• Love and awareness as two sides of the same coin
• Closing with Lao Tzu

If you've ever felt like your own mind was working against you, this episode is where it starts to make sense.

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🎥 YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@standingnowherepodcast
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📧 Email: [email protected]

Standing Nowhere is a contemplative spirituality podcast exploring mindfulness, meditation, and what it means to be human through vulnerable storytelling.