Starting Over Stronger Podcast

Are you tired of making New Year’s Resolutions that you’ve forgotten about or given up on by mid-February if not sooner?

Have you ever heard of the ONE WORD movement? I started my One Word resolves about five or six years ago. I have chosen words such as Courage, Clarity, Focus, Vision, Trust and Flexibility.

And today, I want to do something a little different on the show. I want to share this concept with you and teach you how to adopt it for your own. I will also be sharing stories from a few other people I have met who wanted to share what choosing a ONE WORD has done for them over the years.

I am going to let you in on an often-ignored or unacknowledged truth: Change is possible, but it requires not only intention but the right kind of focus. So forget new gym memberships you won’t use or the newest extreme fad diets, expensive planners and going into debt buying new Rubbermaid to organize the basement—lets forget entirely about Resolutions. Yes, they are a way to try to focus, but sometimes in a overly simplified way and almost always resolutions are and more importantly, not at all on the root causes or philosophies and character traits that lead us in the directions we go. We don’t want to be focused on what we DON’T want but rather on what we do want and what will get us there. Resolutions to lose 20 pounds for example are often based on the type of person we’re tired of being rather than who we want to become. And when you “break your resolve” then what? You quit, right? There’s no room for the process of growth in a New Years Resolution. 

On the other hand, One Words are centered on our hope for the year ahead and who we want to become or what we want to achieve, maybe who we believe God wants us to be, and the transformative process of getting there.

We need to get at the heart of what needs to be revolutionized deep down within us to inform and give energy to these things we want to see becomes realities in our lives. So its no longer “OK, I have to lose 20 pounds or 40 pounds and I am gonna go to the gym 4 times a week until I do.” Now, it’s “What is it that is missing in my life that leads me to make poor food choices or to choose to be sedentary rather than active?” Journaling about the hearts of matters such as this might lead you to a One Word like discipline or health when you realize the issue at the heart of is a lack of discipline or when you think about wanting to make your health a priority so you can enjoy your grandchildren more and for longer. At the heart of the matter, a One Word is like “your why.” Have you ever heard about the importance of defining your why as part of mapping out success in any area of your life? 

This is why I choose just one word to be my focus for the next twelve months, to help me stay tuned into the “fuel” (the why) that I need for making positive changes that last longer than February.

Let’s start with one story from my treasure trove of One Words. It was the year 2020. I had chosen FOCUS because there was an overall sense that I had been feeling for a long time of doing too many things and feeling like I couldn’t focus, plus it was 20/20… get it? Focus/ 20/20 vision? 

Ok, so anyway, I started with journaling. If you know me at all, you know this is common practice for me with a lot of things. Work it out on the page. The more I wrote, the more I explored what I wanted to envision for the coming year, and the easier it was to pare it down to a single word.

BRAINSTORM

Another method that can be helpful for selecting your One Word is to just start writing possible words. Your One Word is most likely going to be a NOUN or a VERB. Mini grammar lesson: a noun is a subject, a thing, a state or a quality. A verb is an action word, a function, a mood even. 

So, now just literally brainstorm. Set a timer for one minute and keep your pen moving no matter what comes out. Here are some exam

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Well, here we go again…. Ready or not, it’s holiday season once more.

The words Thanksgiving… Christmas…. Holidays… all conjure up many different images and feelings for each of us. For some of us, the holidays are a time of celebration and friends and family and fun. There is joy and laughter and memory making. And even if this is true for most of us, most of the time, when you’re facing a divorce, new parenting arrangements, perhaps loss of extended family and other grievances as part of a major life transition, having hope and joy and making merry during the holidays is hard.

Today, I want to share a little bit of my holiday divorce story and some encouragement for you to get through this season well.

Remember that the pain you are feeling right now is temporary. I do not want to minimize what you feel or be insensitive because I know this pain is real!  I was experiencing (and frankly still do sometimes still feel) extreme physical and emotional pain from the fallout of my divorce, but what I know now that I don’t think I grasped then, that I want you to grasp now, is that this came to pass not to stay. Pain has a purpose. You may feel like you are under attack, like you are a victim, and like nothing will ever be okay, but I am here to make you a PROMISE. It will be. 

If you find yourself in this place now, during the holiday season, facing solitude you thought you wanted but now wonder how you will survive, tune in now for some tips to find your holiday hope.

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When you are thrust into the sole provider role for the first time in your life, even as you grieve the loss of the marriage you thought would last forever, all that matters in this moment is the kiddos and how you are going to make your new lives work well for them. This can look a lot of ways to a lot of different people. 

For Jill Blankenship, co-founder of OurDivorce.com DIY Divorce platform and co-producer of the new My Crazy Divorce Story Podcast, that meant going to work for herself. Annie will be interviewing Jill today about how she made it work so that you can know that you can too.

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Have you ever sat feeling smothered by the trauma and pain all around you, wondering if this was all there was to life? When you’re facing divorce, or right in the middle of a messy one, it’s hard to think about anything but the loss, pain, trial and trauma all around you. Yet, where you focus makes all the difference. Today, we are going to talk about a new way to focus to move from trauma and pain to victoriously thriving.

Jennifer Harris is on the Starting Over Stronger Show, episode 76 airing December 8th to talk about her new book, The Divorce Bucket List? 

Here are 5 highlights of the book and our talk:

1.        Get organized to get your desired results during divorce

2.      Re-discover and empower yourself through/after divorce

3.      Divorce budgeting

4.      Common divorce mistakes (and how to avoid them)

5.      Overcoming the trauma of divorce with intention

Tune in here to the whole conversation:

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Finding your New Identity through Divorce – Author Rebecca Thesman

What do you consider to be the core of your identity? What are the things that make you YOU? The roles we play in life: mom, wife, sister, friend, co-worker are certainly a part of that. Your personality is another big part of it. How people describe you. Oh, she is so sweet. She’s a wallflower. She’s a shrinking violet. She is unapproachable, intimidating. She is such a driven woman. What about the very name by which people call you? Your first and last name tell us something about you, right? There are dozens of aspects to WHO WE ARE…and arguably, divorce can change them all. No wonder we feel so disoriented.

You’re not the same person today that you were when you walked that aisle… and you won’t be the same person in a year or five years that you are today! Not being entirely sure who you are at this point is TOTALLY NORMAL and today, we are going to have a casual and encouraging conversation about why that is a very good thing. 

Author & Writing Coach, Rebecca Thesman joins me on the show to talk about the many different aspects of the re-identification process as one goes through a major change like divorce: emotional, vocational, physical, mental, financial, and more.

We talked about how we need to allow time for our brains to recalibrate. And we touched on how name changes, career changes, and role changes like “empty nest” factor in. We talked about how many people lose or gain weight, go through therapy or coaching to address mindset issues, and rediscover their spirituality. 

One of the most important aspects we discussed was that of Acceptance – of our past, our present and our future—with the understanding that acceptance is much more freeing and important than forgiveness. 

What are some of the important ways you have created or are creating your new identity during divorce?

Tune in for the whole conversation here:

If you are ready for more support, jump on StartingOverStronger.com/groups to join an evening or lunchtime support group, check out the FAQs if you have questions and then email me at [email protected] if I can answer any other questions for you. We are here for you for Help as you divorce and Hope as you are Starting Over Stronger!

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Does Gratitude really make a difference? Today I am sharing some thoughts about the difference that gratitude makes in our lives -- yes, even during divorce. Just in time for Thanksgiving!

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What is Silver Divorce? Silver divorce refers to the split or separation of older couples who have been married for a long time. also called “silver or diamond splitters,” and the term refers to the hair color that older people often have. The term began to be used in the United States in 2004, but the practice had already been prevalent for about 20 years. Research shows that although the overall rate of divorce in the United States has declined over the past 20 years (until 2020), the divorce rate of people over 50 is on the rise. 

In episode 73, Financial Advisor, Russ Thornton, joins me on the Starting Over Stronger Divorce Survival & Recovery Podcast to discuss why Silver Divorce is the fastest growing age group facing divorce and what the primary concerns are for Silver Divorcees.

Does living longer contribute to the rise in Silver Divorce? 

What effect does the rise in double income families contribute to this issue?

We also touched on standard of living, equitable distribution, alimony / lack of career potential at advanced ages, retirement, QDROs, complicated and complex marital estates, pre-nups, post-nups and more.

Tune in now if this affects you.

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How to be Your Own Therapist

The greatest struggle of divorce is, hands down, how we manage our brains, and the struggle that we all have with how to meet our own emotional and psychological needs during this season of loss and transition. It is critically important for each of us to become an expert on “therapizing” ourselves. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and author of "Therapize Yourself", Carrie Leaf, admits it is a made-up word, but nonetheless, a word that many people use often, perhaps whimsically, but Carrie's frequency of hearing the word coupled with the felt need for more people to know how to help themselves was so important to Carrie that she wrote a book about it.

In its most basic form, we describe “therapizing yourself” as understanding your emotions and paying attention to them like the warning lights on your dashboard, to prevent bigger problems later. Being your own therapist requires getting wise to who you are, what you need, what’s important to you, what you like, and exploring until you have a solid grasp on what mind-body-spirit connection involves and how important it is to your mental, physical and emotional well-being. 

Breaking it down a little bit, we discussed some solid examples of good mindfulness exercises for someone going through a divorce, like journaling, but many more great ideas were tossed around as well. Then we dove into the most important areas of consideration with regard to our bodies during divorce, what to do, not do, eat, and not eat to feel our Best Self so we can better endure the stress and overcome the overwhelm of decision fatigue that leads to great regret.

Lastly, we explored how we can best serve our own spiritual needs during divorce by doing just that—exploring. Taking a curious approach to what we actually believe, what feels right and good to us. Maybe it is to visit church for the first time in decades. Maybe it’s a decision to step away from the church to truly connect with God and feed that personal relationship. Maybe it is simply to ask ourselves, what do I believe about the world, deity, my purpose? Stay curious and trust your gut to show you what matters most for you right now, and in the long term.

Wrapping it all up, we had a frank conversation with the person who might say they can't afford a therapist, or a coach. Here is the hard truth. With something as important as mental health, there is very much an element of “you can't afford not to” that you simply cannot ignore. I would imagine most people would have said at some point that they can't afford a lawyer either, but they figured out a way to make that work because they saw the necessity. They realize the risk of going it alone. Therapy, or visiting the past to understand the present realities, and Coaching, or visualizing the future to create the present possibilities, are risky endeavors when going it alone. The amazing irony of making this investment in therapizing yourself well is that you will most often offset the cost of legal fees, the additional strain on your emotional well-being and even shorten the duration of the divorce process!

Managing your brain is job #1 in your divorce. Start today by listening to this powerful interview in full and then make some incredibly important decisions about your next best steps.

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If you've been listening to the Starting Over Stronger show for any length of time, you already know I am a Certified Divorce Coach, but maybe you don't know what that means, whether or not you need it, and if you can even afford it. Many people think "life coaching" in general is an expensive luxury that they cannot afford, and while business coaching helps businesses gain ground that more than pays for itself, and other life coaches may be employed by the wealthy, DIVORCE COACHING, on the other hand, is a process that saves time, stress and money for people facing divorce. 

If you go it alone, you will spend more on legal fees than what you will spend with a lawyer AND a divorce coach who will be your thinking partner that lowers your stress level and even shortens the duration of your divorce by helping you better align with your best self so you can realize your ideal divorce outcome. Tune in today to learn who needs a divorce coach and what is looks like to work with one.  

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Have you heard you need to raise your vibration and wondered what the heck that was all about? What is energy and how does divorce affect yours? Find out this and more when Annie talks with Energy Practitioner, Angela Holmes about a handful of ways you can work on changing your vibration as you divorce. And what better time?  

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