My mom often says, “If I die….”

I sometimes accidentally say the same thing.

The “if” is a cognitive security blanket I pull over my head so I can pretend that death — the only thing every single human being who has ever lived has accomplished — might somehow not apply to me. As though the universe looked at my particular assortment of questionable decisions and said, “This one, we keep.”

It will not say that. I am, biologically speaking, a disaster in slow motion. I have a weakening knee. I have eaten gas station sushi. Twice. I once stayed up until 3 am reading reviews for a blender I did not buy.

“If I die, give my record collection to someone who will actually appreciate it.”

Wrong.

“When I die, some stranger at an estate sale is going to pay $4 for a crate containing my entire personality.”

The “if” started innocently enough. Parents use it. “If something happens to me...” they say, then trail off.

But I’ve decided to stop. As an act of radical honesty, I am replacing every “if I die” with “when I die,” and I am inviting you to join me in this terrifying linguistic journey.

Let’s try

Before: “If I die, make sure the kids know I loved them.”

After: “When I die, make sure the kids know I loved them — and also that the router password is taped inside the drawer.”

What do you think?

Put your thoughts in the comments.

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