Sunshine Parenting

"It soon hit me that all of the best parenting classes in the world are not going to work if you – the mother – are feeling stressed out, unsupported, overwhelmed or aren't taking care of yourself properly. When some parts of your life are not running smoothly, it has a knock on effect on everything else."

-Kelly Pietrangeli

In Episode 36, I talk with Kelly Pietrangeli, founder and "Mama Motivator" of the Project Me for Busy Mothers website and author of the brand new book by the same name. We talked about so many things, including how important it is for moms to take care of themselves.

Kelly created the Project Me Life Wheel as a tool to help herself - and now other moms - regularly assess and work on different areas of life, tackling one issue at a time rather than overwhelming ourselves with all the issues at once.

This episode is a great reminder that by taking care of ourselves, we become much better parents!

Here's the review I wrote for Amazon about Project Me for Busy Mothers:

I've been a fan of Kelly Pietrangeli's website and weekly email newsletter for several years. She calls herself the "Mama Motivator," and that is an accurate description. Her colorful book, Project Me for Busy Mothers, offers simple, actionable strategies for moms to address and improve one area of life at a time. Plus, it makes your day more cheerful just seeing the book in front of you! Ranging from health to relationships to productivity and much more, Kelly offers excellent strategies for taking on our most important project - ourselves! Reading Kelly's book is like a personal strategic planning session. By sharing her own story, and helping us focus on just one area at a time, Kelly makes Project Me a fun, do-able project for busy moms! If you're in the throes of child-rearing - or getting ready to figure out what to do with an empty nest - pick up Project Me and start some life planning.

Order Project Me for Busy Mothers: A Practical Guide to Finding a Happier Balance.

"It seems like we have a lot more patience as a family for each other."

"We noticed that he started sleeping better. His personality shifted. He wasn't nervous all the time. He was just that kid that was always active, always moving, always really nervous, and when we removed that piece from the equation, we didn't know if it was technology removal or if he's just more relaxed, but we were sticking to it!"

-Jill Stribling

In Episode 35, I'm talking with educator and mom Jill Stribling about her decision to unplug her 10-year-old son and adjust her whole family's tech habits. We talk about the personality changes she's noticed, including his increased concern for others, great conversational skills, and sense of humor. We also talk about how family life has changed and why she believes she made the right decision for her son by not having him use screens anymore.

Jill Stribling has a B.A. in Child Development and Psychology and a Master's degree in Education and a specialty in Literacy and Language Arts from California State University and more than 20 years of experience in education. After several years teaching in public schools in Los Angeles, CA, she was recruited by the American School of Madrid in 2001, where she taught Kindergarten and First Grade and took on several leadership roles (i.e. Grade Level Chair, Accreditation Committee Leader, etc.). With her educational and professional experience firmly in place, she developed a methodology for making language learning fun and began her entrepreneurial journey in 2008 with literally one student in her living room. Shortly afterward, she had a total of 70 students and actually had to expand her business. English for Fun is an educational group with an English Enrichment Program for children and adults, an Urban Camp Program, an American Early Childhood Center and a Training Center for educators. Today, she owns schools in Madrid and Pozuelo de Alarcon, and this year alone more than 3,000 students will benefit from the English for Fun method!

Related/discussed in this episode:

Ep. 19: Being a Tech Positive Parent with Devorah Heitner

Learn more about how screen time affects your children at Mom Loves Best.

"When you're applying to college, there's a big focus on the name of the school, the statistics of the school, and the rankings of the school, which is important in some sense, but it didn't end up being as important for me."

-Hannah

Episode 34 is a follow up to Episode 21: Advice on the College Application and Selection Process. I'm talking with my daughter Charlotte and her friend Hannah about their college journey, which for both of them included transferring after their freshman year.

Questions could adults ask to help high schoolers to help them

What makes you happy?

What kind of community do you need around you to make you happy?

What kind of area do you want to live in?

What do you want to do in your free time during college?

Resources/Related

College Touring 101

5 Must Reads Before You Drop Your Child Off at College

How to Stay in Touch with Your College Student

Episode 21: Advice on the College Application and Admission Process

Book I mentioned:

You decide as a family what's important...Every single thing can't be important. You have to pick a few things that are in alignment with your family's values and then really, really be consistent with them. Maria Horner

In Episode 33, I'm with Maria Horner talking about more of her "Jedi Mom Tricks!" Listen here if you missed Jedi Mom Tricks (Part 1)! In this episode, Maria shares more of her "Jedi Mom Tricks." These are important lessons Maria has learned as a parent and as a summer camp director for the past three decades. She passes these tricks along to her summer staff each year during counselor training at Catalina Island Camps.

"You know, those 'Jedi Mom Tricks' that you do to control my mind without ever yelling or getting mad."

-Nick Horner

Jedi Mom Tricks (Part 2)

Jedi Mom Trick #5: Talk about your values and priorities and what's important to you (with your co-parent)

Jedi Mom Trick #6: Pick your battles: Decide and be a united front with kids

Jedi Mom Trick #7: Focus on consequences not threats

Jedi Mom Trick #8: Annual question for kids: What are some things you'd like to be able to do this year that you haven't been able to do before?

Resources/Related

Ep. 22: Jedi Mom Tricks (Part 1)

10 Ways to do LESS and be a MORE Effective Parent

10 Parenting Tips from Camp Counselors

The Power of Positive Words

The Power of Moments: Why Certain Experiences Have Extraordinary Impact

Want to help your kid get ready for adulthood? Subscribe to get my weekly email, and I'll send you my Ready for Adulthood Checklist - you just hand it to your kid and let them start checking things off!

It's those deep relationships that are formed at summer camp that really have a dramatic influence on them.-Stephen Gray Wallace

In Episode 32, I'm talking with Stephen Gray Wallace about his recent article for Teen Life : 10 Reasons Why High School Students Will Get a Lot from Summer Camp.

Adolescents' Three Primary Developmental Tasks

• Forming an identity
• Gaining independence from parents
• Making friends

The Top 10 Outcomes of Experiential Learning at Camp

"Camp is an experience every child deserves," according to the American Camp Association (ACA), which accredits more than 2,400 camps serving more than 7.2 million children and teens. Specifically, ACA points to the "joy" kids experience when they make new friends and the inherent value in unplugging from their electronic devices, enjoying being out of doors, connecting with other young people, and learning about themselves.

And the ACA adds that, from a quantifiable perspective, the outcomes of a summer camp experience include the following.

1. Friendship skills: Make friends and maintain relationships.

2. Independence : Rely less on adults and other people for solving problems and day-to-day activities.

3. Teamwork: Be more effective working in groups of peers.

4. Family citizenship: Gain attributes important to being a member of a family.

5. Perceived competence: Believe that they can be successful in the things they do.

6. Interest in exploration: Be more curious and eager to learn new things.

7. Responsibility: Learn to be accountable for their own actions and mistakes.

8. Affinity for nature: Develop feelings of emotional attraction toward nature.

9. Problem-solving confidence: Believe they have abilities to resolve problems.

10. Spiritual well-being: Develop purpose and meaning in life.

Camps are also being recognized as incubators for the highly valued non-cognitive or "soft skills" and as places to hone leadership and social entrepreneurship skills.

Quotes

Audrey: Is there an amount of time teens need to be at camp to get these benefits?

Stephen: I would argue the longer the better, but these types of outcomes transfer quickly, so even if they are only attending for a week or two, you'd see gains in those areas. Certainly, the longer they stay at camp, the deeper those benefits flow.

Audrey: What do you think are some of the mechanisms that help teens in all these areas?

Stephen: I think it's the intrinsic nature of what we've been talking about. They're away from home. They're away from their normal support systems. They have to figure things out more on their own. They're with a peer group for many hours during the day...They have to learn to problem solve their way out of their conflicts.

Audrey: How do camp experiences help prepare kids for the transition to college?

Stephen: I've been doing research in that area, and this week I published an article in Psychology Today called A User's Guide to the First Year of College.

Audrey: What are ways you think parents can help kids learn how to own their own actions and admit mistakes?

Stephen: I offer camp directors the same advice that I offer to parents in my book, and that is to hold your teenagers to very high expectations, because they want to meet them - they want to meet your expectations. And then hold them accountable for those expectations.

Audrey: What is important for parents to ask about teen programs?

Stephen: Certainly, health and safety is most important. Ask specifically about how you keep the kids healthy and how you keep the kids safe. Also, ask about retention rates.

(Who Will Care When I'm Not There is a training video and curriculum many ACA accredited camp programs utilize to train staff on the importance of their role in keeping campers safe.)

About Stephen Gray Wallace

Stephen has broad experience as a school psychologist and adolescent/family counselor. He is president and director of the Center for Adolescent Research and Education (CARE), a former associate research professor at Susquehanna University, and the past national chairman and chief executive officer at SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions/Students Against Driving Drunk). Stephen also works with the American Camp Association (ACA) as a feature magazine writer, media spokesperson and faculty member at its e-Institute for Professional Development.

In addition, Stephen is a resident camp director and the director of counseling and counselor training at Cape Cod Sea Camps. Stephen was also appointed to the professional development faculty of the American Academy of Family Physicians (AAFP) and serves as a parenting expert for kidsinthehouse.com. He previously served as an adjunct professor at Mount Ida College in Newton, Massachusetts. Most important, Stephen is a high-profile participant in, and commentator on, the modern-day adolescent experience.

Resources/Related

Ep. 27: Raising Teens who Thrive with Stephen Wallace

Stephen is the author of Reality Gap: Alcohol, Drugs, and Sex--What Parents Don't Know and Teens Aren't Telling

Why Teens Need Summer Camp More Than Ever

Ep. 16: Born to Be Wild with Dr. Jess Shatkin

Too Much Screen Time? 4 Ways Summer Camp Can Help

Book Audrey mentioned: How to Win Friends and Influence People in the Digital Age

Highs and Lows

You're not alone. Whatever struggle you're facing and however hard it feels to you right now, I'm confident that with support you can get through it. And I'm 100% confident that you're not the first or only parent to have slipped up in all the ways you have slipped up, nor are you the only parent to have a child who does X or behaves in Y way. So you really aren't alone and we are our here to support you and help life go better for you and your family.

-Tosha Schore

In Episode 31, I'm talking with Tosha Schore, co-author of Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges. Tosha is a parent coach whose mission is to create a more peaceful world, one sweet boy at a time. She is the mother to three boys ages 11, 13, and 15.

Hand in Hand Parenting

The whole philosophy is really based upon the idea that people are good. That our children are born good and they're doing the best they can and along the way, as they go through life...things happen. And the body has a natural process to heal from upsets and that process is a release of emotions...If we stop that process, a layer of hurt sets in. As the hurt piles up, the behavior gets stickier - off track.

Patty Wipfler (co-author of Listen) founded Hand in Hand in 1989, but has working with parents for more than for 40 years. She started out by running a day care and eventually turning it into a non profit, while developing tools based on connection and listening. Patty also wrote a set of booklets that sold very well - one on each of the five tools. Patty is Tosha's mentor and asked her to c0-write the book with her.

The Five Tools

We want to do a balance of showing them that we care and we love them and they're important and also pushing them to do things that they're a little uncomfortable with but listening to the feelings that come up for them as we do that.

The tools taught in the Hand in Hand method are "really simple, but not necessarily easy," according to Tosha. Some come easier than others depending on the person. "The whole philosophy is really based upon the idea that people are good. That our children are born good and they're doing the best they can and along the way, as they go through life...things happen. And the body has a natural process to heal from upsets and that process is a release of emotions."

1. Special Time
2. Staylistening
3. Setting Limits
4. Playlistening
5. The Listening Partnership

Resources

Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges (order on Amazon) Sample Chapter & Reviews (On Hand in Hand website)

Hand in Hand Parenting Website:Tons of free information, including articles, podcasts, etc.

Hand in Parent Support FB group, where parents can look for Listening Partners

Tosha's Website View all of Tosha's offerings, including her online course, "Out With Aggression!" and her membership community "Parenting Boys Peacefully: THE PLAYHOUSE."

Tosha's Facebook Page: Tosha Schore, Your Partner in Parenting Boys

Sign up for Tosha's email list

"Durable means to be effective for as long as possible - in your mind, your body, and also in your relationships with other people. It's being strong and secure and moving forward, taking in and reacting to the experiences you have along the way but continue to stand strong through it all." -Jenifer Joy Madden

In Episode 30, I'm talking with Jenifer Joy Madden about her book, How To Be a Durable Human: Revive and Thrive in the Digital Age Through the Power of Self-Design.

Madden is a health and environmental journalist who is also a digital broadcaster and adjunct professor for Syracuse University in their DC Program. Madden is a child advocate who has volunteered her time to establish new walking and biking trails throughout northern Virginia. Madden is also the parent of three durable adults.

Some of the topics we discuss include:

The "Triple Crown" of Durability

Genuine relationships

Importance of kids being able to look people in the eye.

Using a "gadget basket" during meals. Says Madden, "Not only are kids learning how to have face to face conversations and wait - take their turn and listen - it's a really great opportunity for parents to keep an eye on them day today. And I literally mean keep an eye on. Because if you're looking at them, they're making a comment, maybe their words are saying something but they're eyes - something happened. You're watching and this expression came over their face really quickly. If you're not looking at them, you're going to miss it."

Attachment: It starts a little before birth that the child starts attaching to the primary caregiver - the mother. The Internet Addiction Treatment Center is worried that kids' first images are going to be obscured by a device. Kids that don't securely attach to a caregiver become agitated and insecure and have trouble coping. We need to feed their love mechanisms early on in life, otherwise, they'll be kind of shaky their whole lives.

"Virtual Autism:" In France and Romania, doctors have identified "Virtual Autism" in kids under age four who have free reign all day to be on a tablet. After days and days of being on the screen, they stop responding to their names and adults can't catch their eye. When kids return to a regular kid lifestyle and they're playing with physical objects and playing outside, that "virtual autism" goes away.

Recommended guidelines for a 12-year-old: •Definitely make sure that the bedroom is off-limits to all electronics. Give them an alarm clock and train them from an early age. If they have a phone, start from the beginning charging it out of the bedroom. •Look away from the screen every 20 minutes to keep their eyesight durable.

Curiosity: "Every person is unique and interested in different things and that makes them a broader, fuller person and they can contribute more to society if they develop their own individual self. And so they need opportunities to follow their curiosity. If parents take their kid to a playground or a park, it's almost like the parents aren't patient enough to stay there. They have to honor the kid's ability to get into imaginary play and to follow their curiosity." When you're outside, all the senses are active at once and that really helps a person to be very good at sensing things. Get kids exposed to dirt.

"Durable is different from resilience. Resilience means to be knocked over and have some problem happen and then you get yourself standing back up again. Durable means to be effective for as long as possible - in your mind, your body, and also in your relationships with other people. It's being strong and secure and moving forward, taking in and reacting to the experiences you have along the way but continue to stand strong through it all. Learn and become wiser."

Resources/Links

Book: How To Be a Durable Human: Revive and Thrive in the Digital Age Through the Power of Self-Design

Durable Human website

American Academy of Pediatrics Family Media Plan/Media Time Calculator: https://www.healthychildren.org/English/media/Pages/default.aspx

http://durablehuman.com/fighting-tech-with-tech-online-tool-helps-families-reclaim-time/

Nature Play: http://durablehuman.com/NaturePlayCNC2016

Mr Roger's song "Garden of Your Mind"

The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age

Article on virtual autism study in France/Romania: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-fallible-mind/201706/there-is-new-link-between-screen-time-and-autism

Forest kindergarten mini-article/video as an example: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/23/learning/forest-kindgergarten.html

Related:

Why We Need to Unplug to Connect with our Families

Five Reasons to Unplug

Why Family Dinner is Important

7 Reasons to Get Outside

Instead of telling kids what to do, we have the kids tell us what to do. It's an empowering experience to let kids think that way from a young age.

-Paul Dreyer

In Episode 29, I'm chatting with Kyle Littman (COO) and Paul Dreyer (CEO) of Avid 4 Adventure. Kyle and Paul are both passionate about empowering kids to choose an outdoor, active lifestyle away from screens. Avid4Adventure is a program for kids in Colorado and California. They teach every kid—from first-time adventurers to experienced athletes, from pre-K through 12th grade—how fun and empowering being active outdoors can be. As campers hike, bike, climb and paddle, they build lasting skills and newfound confidence, igniting a passion for being active that lasts their whole lives.

Why do you think there's value in getting kids outdoors?

Natural consequences: So much of the environment that we live in -- school, playground, etc. -- people have tried to remove risk. We don't want to avoid risk, we want to lean in where kids have natural consequences. If a kid doesn't bring a jacket to camp, it's fine to get wet as opposed to being on top of a mountain in a lightning storm, which is too big of a risk. Lean into more controlled risk, help kids learn from that to make better decisions. Decision-making/judgment: When kids get taken outdoors, instructors don't say "don't do this, don't do that." We ask the kids very open questions… what's different about this environment? Instructors help kids with positive risk-taking and developing good judgment. "It's sunny out, we should all put our sunscreen on before we go."

How can parents use these skills?

Kyle: Start with "why?" What would you do? When my 5-year-old comes to me and asks what to wear to soccer practice or asks me to pack the back, I ask, "What do you think you should do? What's the weather like?" I let her go outside and figure it out. If she decides to wear a t-shirt at this time of year in Colorado, she might be cold, but she'll learn for next time. Everything from packing for a hike to going to a park allows kids opportunities to learn about natural consequences.

Paul: We do environmental briefings with a series of three questions:

(1) What's changing in our environment? (2) Based on the change in environment, what are the big risks? (3) Okay great, what do you want to do?

Have these briefings all day long - get them in the mindset.

Our brain/risk management decision-making skills are a muscle just like everything else. Kids need to learn to ask themselves what the risks are and then make a couple of rules for themselves in that new environment.

What advice do you have for parents who say their kids aren't "outdoorsy?"

Summer camps expose kids to activities that parents might not be very interested in/wouldn't expose their kids to.

Just don't typecast your child as someone who doesn't like to be outside.

Start small. If your child is currently spending a lot of time inside, you might not in one week turn him into a rock climber, but maybe you can get him in the backyard for 10 minutes.

If you find that your kids are ready and asking for a larger adventure, there are a lot of actual risks and perceived risks. Reach out for resources to see what the real risks are about activities. Like rock climbing -- people think it's risky when it's actually really safe.

Links/Resources Children & Nature Network – Organization and Community started by Richard Louv.

Outdoors Alliance for Kids – National strategic partnership of organizations from diverse sectors with a common interest in connecting children, youth and families with the outdoors.

Richard Louv Videos

Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder: A revolutionary book that explains how being outside reduces stress and improves our well being and makes us feel physically better about ourselves.

7 Reasons to Get Outside

In Episode 28 of the podcast, I'm back with my good friend Sara Kuljis talking about being strengths-focused parents. Sara is the owner and director of Yosemite Sierra Summer Camp and Emerald Cove Day Camp. Sara offers popular parenting workshops in Southern California. In this episode, we're talking about the importance of focusing on our kids' strengths.

Ideas for Building Strengths

Here are a few of the topics we discussed:

Helping kids identify natural talents, the way they are made.

"Tell me about a time when you experienced success. What did you contribute to make that a successful experience?"

The power of naming our kids' character strengths.

Enjoyed this episode? Listen to my previous podcast episodes with Sara!

Episode 7: Family Pace & Space

Episode 23: Peaceful Mornings

Links/Additional Resources

Celebrating Strengths

Focusing on Strengths

Power of Positive Words

Catch Kids Doing the Right Thing

Books

Websites

Gallup: CliftonStrengths Solutions

VIA Character Strengths

"We are highly focused on promoting favorable youth outcomes, things like positive identity formation, character development, leadership, civic engagement, social entrepreneurship, media and financial literacy, conflict resolution.... and we're focused on prevention, working on issues like youth suicide, prescription drug use by young people, the opioid epidemic, those types of things."

Stephen Wallace Center for Adolescent Research and Education (CARE)

About Stephen Gray Wallace

In Episode 27, I'm talking with Stephen Gray Wallace. Stephen has broad experience as a school psychologist and adolescent/family counselor. He is president and director of the Center for Adolescent Research and Education (CARE), a former associate research professor at Susquehanna University, and the past national chairman and chief executive officer at SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions/Students Against Driving Drunk). Stephen also works with the American Camp Association (ACA) as a feature magazine writer, media spokesperson and faculty member at its e-Institute for Professional Development.

In addition, Stephen is a resident camp director and the director of counseling and counselor training at Cape Cod Sea Camps. Stephen was also appointed to the professional development faculty of the American Academy of Family Physicians (AAFP) and serves as a parenting expert for kidsinthehouse.com. He previously served as an adjunct professor at Mount Ida College in Newton, Massachusetts. Most important, Stephen is a high-profile participant in, and commentator on, the modern-day adolescent experience.

Reality Gap

Stephen is the author of Reality Gap: Alcohol, Drugs, and Sex--What Parents Don't Know and Teens Aren't Telling.

Reality Gap is a book that talks about what teens are doing in real life compared to what parents think they're doing. The chart in his book (see image on right), helps parents think about preparing kids to take responsibility for themselves. As your child matures, you should see decision making moving from left to right. When kids are young, parents decide, then as they get older, you make joint decisions on some issues. Finally, by the time they are in late high school, entering college, they need to learn to make good choices and decisions for themselves.

Authoritative parenting is the most effective with all ages of children, including teens. Authoritative parenting is high on expectations and high on warmth.

In our interview, conducted live at the American Camp Association Conference in Orlando in February, we talk about providing teens with both the structure and freedom they need to thrive.

Key Issues we Discuss

• Importance of staying involved (but not overbearing) in your teens' lives--slowly giving them more responsibilities/freedom/choices.

• Issues teens face in the first semester of college and how to help with that transition. Directly communicating with teens about values rather than making assumptions about their ability to make good decisions.

• Camp is great for teenagers--teens like the structure and warmth (the perfect authoritative combo).

Quotes from Stephen Gray Wallace

"You want to give your kids some space as they're getting older. Give them more responsibility, let them make some more decisions, pick your battles. Helicopter parenting is different than remaining an involved parent. They're two completely different constructs. If you're a helicopter parent, your kid is going to get to the next step in life and be dysfunctional. They need to learn to make those decisions themselves. But they need you as a partner."

"Parents often sort of walk away when their children become teenagers. Think that they don't really count anymore, that their kids don't care what they same. But that's how teens are… they start moving toward an internal locus of control. Parents get message that kids don't want to hear from me but the exact opposite of that is true."

"You want to give your kids some space as they're getting older. Give them more responsibility, let them make some more decisions, pick your battles. Helicopter parenting is different than remaining an involved parent. They're two completely different constructs. If you're a helicopter parent, your kid is going to get to the next step in life and be dysfunctional. They need to learn to make those decisions themselves. But they need you as a partner."

Links & Resources

Thick and Thin: Summer Camps are Essential Organizations for Moral Growth, Psychology Today (mentioned in the intro)

Cape Cod Sea Camps

Center for Adolescent Research and Education (CARE)

Pay the Price film

Reality Gap: Alcohol, Drugs, and Sex--What Parents Don't Know and Teens Aren't Telling (Book by Stephen Gray Wallace talked about in the podcast)

Recent camp-related pieces by Stephen: Summer Camp - A Good Idea For Teens (TeenLife Media) Creating the Exceptional (Camping Magazine) Thick and Thin (Psychology Today) Sweet Dreams and Flying Machines (HuffPost) In the Middle of September (LinkedIn) Related Posts from Sunshine Parenting:

Ready for Adulthood Checklist

Conversations Before College