Sex tapes Start Career’s Not End Them

Betty finally gets around to solving chippings death, and because she has been suspended from school and the blue and gold, child kiss ivy league good bye. Mrs Chipping doesn’t think he was having an affair, Moose explains that he was recruited to start Stonewall and then leave for the military by Chipping. Plus the pressure from Bretts video. Is this a mf military pusher ring? 

Donna’s confession tape, which she snuck out, is her crying while talking about being assaulted. But she is using the same language and is talking about a teacher who doesn’t exist. Is she behind all the stonewall stuff? Hell isn’t bad enough for people who lie about being assaulted. Fuck this show for doing this. 

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind/Groundhog Day, Someone Get this Kid a New Plot

I’m a better writer, I’m a better competitor, I’m a better man. And we all know the good qualities of a writer/man is A. Fencing, B. Fist Fighting, and C. Chess

Not All Mercenaries Are Evil (But This One Is)

Frank wants to pull an Archie and escape to Canada, lot of punching because Ted is out to kill him. Lots of smashing of heads, Kevin appears briefly. 

Triggers and Tickles

“What we call in the tickle business as a world class squeeler” gross. This was a rare Toni/Cheryl set up that I enjoyed, I think because Toni had some screen time by herself instead of just saying babe all the time. 

Katy Keene Spin Off

Its very colorful, and I hated it. 

“The only person not feeling Quiz Show Fever Was My Pal Archie Andrews” Mostly because you know facts are not his friends. And he is super attached to his uncle, but only MEN understand MEN and their NEEDS. Archie’s mother would never be able to be a guiding force because she isn’t FRED. Full disclosure, I didn’t watch this plotline that closely, but finally no football/fighting criminals

Kevin gets into Tickling https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tickled

Finally a Kevin plot line and it is ripped from the 2015 headlines, online tickling videos. He ropes Fangs in because he's a good friend even if they did both join a cult together

Rum Wars and a non sexual Sex Club

After Cheryl and Veronica get a scientist (Science teacher) to confirm that their maple-based rum is different enough from Hiram’s molasses-based rum, the rum war is back on. 

They keep Le Bonne Nuit open as a distraction and move their rum business to the Maple Club. 

Finally the Quiz Bowl to End All Quiz Bowls

Betty proves once and for all that she is as dumb as that pony tail is tight. 

Caitlin gets heated talking about HP Lovecraft, Brett's possible and yet problematic sexual tension with Jughead, and the way this show handles violence against children. Riverdale can not handle the complex issues it lightly touches the surface of. Mari gets horny remembering how hot all the parents are, a clear sign that we are older than the target demo of this show. 

Overall: Good job balancing High School Drama plots with high stakes, felt very season 1. HOWEVER I have seen all of these plots before. This show might be on its last legs, needs to be put out of its misery. 

Jughead has a recycled serpent plotline now at Stonewall. Also where is Jellybean??

Frank gives drugs to a teen, Archie is at first upset but then is okay with it. Monroe may become a drug addict but at least he got to go to college first

Fred’s DUI is fake, its really Frank, and that is when I truly gave up on this show

Are the football players hurting people? Yes, Does Betty immediately go to Brett without evidence, yes. Betty then pitches next week’s episode: Quiz Bowl

Sabrina crossover, would be more excited if I cared

Veronica, how do you patent Rum? She goes undercover as Monica at a party (y tho?) in a “classic B and V caper”. Keying your dad’s car is amature hour. Teaming up with Cheryl in the maple business, Jesus how long did this take??

Appletree wants to treat them like a cheer team, how dare she! Cheryl steals back attention for another song and dance 

Rabbit done fucked up. Everyone starts eating her pie and she panics and eats a good third of the pie

This improv troupe is a crime, don’t get me started on improv and The artist formally known as Marilyn Manson now to be known as Kathy Griffin, take it a little too far with an attack on Big Eyes’ rules and Madam President’s death. 

Big Eyes is royally pissed but knows she can’t bring in Kathy Griffin, she then starts vomiting up her will to live. Also Will is no where to be found because he is getting lost in Alien Face’s face hole. 

People are streaming into the clinic where Doctor Alien Face is giving everyone pedialyte. MacGyver and Alien Face place a life saving IV into Rabbit. This show is definitely not Greys Anatomy level of medical. Rabbit is prepared for death and has Mary Magdalene pray over her but the bad news is that Rabbit makes it and now has to live with her crimes #verysad 

Meanwhile across the clinic, Preggers is having some pregnancy problems and Ginger forgot to tell Alan Rickman about his baby. This whole thing is so dumb. Just tell Alan Rickman that Preggers knows this is a sham wedding situation and fucking tell Preggers you met a guy, literally no one has to be upset. Being a father doesn’t stop you from being with Alan Rickman. Of Course Alan Rickman gets the wrong idea and flips out. Or tell him Sam isn’t the bio dad 

MacGyver puts on his CSI:New Ham hat and tries to uncover what made everyone sick, they hit up the usual suspects: Money Bags, CNS, and a new suspect Kathy Griffin, who I don’t think should be on that list besides her improv technique she hasn’t done anything suspicious

CNS covers for Rabbit, and is honestly impressed that she tried to kill him. 

Kathy Griffin is brought in for questioning, and gets her period in the wine cellar, the boys stay and watch her change, which is not great guys, like thats fucked, she isn’t even a real suspect, very stanford prison experiment   

Dr. Alien Face is upset that after their sexcapade Will stuck by Big Eyes the whole night but girl you are better than these boys, find a new dude. But nope, she helps Will process his feeeeeelings and then goes to Money Bags to get him out of his depression bed. Dr. Alien Face deserves better

Kathy Griffin confronts Big Eyes about being treated inhumanely (going to side with Kathy on this one) and Big Eyes tells her to get over it. Which yeah Big Eyes killed someone but also being a leader means listening and you know “theres a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women” etc. Big Eyes announces there will be a mayor race and allows Will into her bed for the night- just cuddles for now. 

Thanksgiving is fast approaching, but before they can even focus on the holiday, Will has some upsetting news: the food they have will last them through the upcoming winter and spring, but by summer they’re going to start running out. There’s already a plan in motion for an alternative solution, and Alan Rickman is going to lead an expedition into the woods to try and find land suitable for farming. The kids are quick to point out none of them know how to farm, but just like they’ve learned how to do everything else, they'll learn how to do this. Alien Face brings Preggers by the clinic to do an ultrasound on her, showing her the baby for the first time All of Adventure Scout’s declarations of love get Alan Rickman thinking, as he’s got someone special like that in his life and he wants to act on his feelings.

So, off to the library, Alan Rickman goes to talk to… Ginger. Alan Rickman has secretly been learning sign language so he can talk to Ginger, but Alan Rickman accidentally learned British Sign Language, not American Sign Language. Ginger can’t understand what he’s saying. It’s a cute moment between the two of them, but Ginger doesn’t immediately connect that Alan Rickman is doing this for him.

After spending a day going over farming techniques together, Alan Rickman and Ginger then sleep together. Meanwhile, Money Bags is dealing with a bout of sadness and depression (also, some withdrawal symptoms since it’s not like there’s going to be a new supply of drugs in the city). The Guards go to visit him, but he refuses to get out of bed and work. This leads Big Eyes to go and visit him, and she basically tells him that if he doesn’t get up and start working his rations are going to cut in half.

Thanksgiving is now upon us, and while everyone else is getting ready to cook and eat communally, Rabbit and Chicken Noodle Soup are locked away in their house. Rabbit, who has suffered more than enough already, decides she’s going to take matters into her own hands and decides to pour antifreeze into the pumpkin pie in hopes of killing him.

When it’s time for dinner, Chicken Noodle Soup isn’t that excited to actually eat what Rabbit’s prepared, and she suggests they start with dessert first. 

Big Eyes renames West Ham as New Ham, since technically they’re the first settlers here. And it’s now their first Thanksgiving. The Society is also still really pushing the Alien Face-Will-Big Eyes love triangle, and Alien Face and Will decide to meet up after Thanksgiving, breaking curfew.

But back at Thanksgiving, Rabbit and Chicken Noodle Soup show up and before she can stop them, her poisoned pumpkin pie is whisked away for the dessert table. Rabbit sits in silence with Chicken Noodle Soup, as she watches it from afar.

They straight up kill a dude. Alan Rickman couldn’t do it so Big Eyes steps in.

Big Eyes and her Big Eyebrows have big problems. There are too many people to watch and not enough military police to watch them. Adventure Scout pushes her to make a choice, but deciding to kill people is hard.

Mary Magdalene is playing a real Lady MacBeth with Adventure Scout to take more power. But she is also anti-death penalty, she wants to keep them in prison.

Will is sleeping in Big Eye’s room, they talk a little about Kelly but they are vibing more and more.

Left Field is being a little shit and won’t eat, honestly this sort of solves your problems if he dies as a hunger strike situation. Alan Rickman communicates that people are worried Big Eyes is not a strong leader. Preggers voices her concern that they are doing this in secret.

Money bags come over to a very sad dinner party to apologize for his hate speech lecture, but she kicks him out. Because she killed someone today

Ginger checks on Preggers. “It was a mistake, no one you know so just leave it at that, sleeping with some asshole at a party” Sam just says I am the father, I want a family. Preggers, its big and its forever. Little Blended Families. I love you, I want a child, this could be my only shot God they are too cute

Adventure Scout proposes to Mary Magdalene and they have sex

Big Eyes confronts Will about how she didn’t want to kill Left Field, but too little too late, you decided. She then goes on a whole monologue about her dead as shit sister

Jughead

Presents this Baxter Bros novel - The Boy in the River - to his class and immediately wins the contest. Brad McFuck face is pissed. Even after Jug was a dickhead to Dupont, he somehow wins

Chuck tracks down FP Sr Sr who has a PO box in seaside and comes in from the forest. FP Sr Sr admits that he is probably a shitty dad. He quit stonewall prep but had this great story. Dupont bought the story for 5000 from FP Sr. Sr who grew bitter and started drinking when he saw how popular the ended up being. Took his anger out on FP and just dipped out. 

Jughead visits Fp in the hospital and tells him about FP Sr Sr and the contract. Jug wants him to see FP Sr Sr again. Jughead goes to the old bus but it has been cleared out and FP Sr sr is gone.

A note gets slid under Jug’s door back in stonewall saying to meet in the woods and it looking very gryphons and gargoyles. His classmates are all death eater like and he is being inducted into the secret society. He smashes the skull with a rock and gets his lapel pin into the Quill and Skulls. 

Veronica

Abuelita get this season Best Bitchslap award and confronts Hiram about picking fights with Veronica.

Hiram says Veronica is dressed to kill. Gross. They are having their blow out before they get the liquor license taken away which they neve should have had because she’s a child. She cant serve rum but that wont stop her from making it. Too bad Hiram patented the recipe. 

Veronica meets with the recruiter. Columbia loves a good story and Veronica sure does tell it.

Archie

Archie rolls up in crackhead alley and finds two of Dodger’s guys. AND THEN MY PANTIES EXPLODED. FP rolls up in his serpent jacket looking like a perfectly package snack.

Archie and FP get ready to leave and a masked guy shoots FP and runs off. Don;t worry, hes still sexy af. Fp is in the hospital and somehow archie is shocked this happened? Like boy you is dumbbbbb. He attacked gang members and you thought it would be over? FP is cool with being shot but doesnt regret anything.  

Archie is at the center and a husky dude comes in and is ANOTHER SECRET SIBLING - Fred’s brother Frank. 

Betty

Dream sequence with baby betty and how she killed Caramel. Betty has blood on her hands and then it gets dark out. Now she has her half moon scars. Betty tells Charles of the dream which could be from the trigger earlier. Betty thinks her darkness started when she killed caramel. They try some hypnosis shit and Betty stops baby betty from killing caramel and tells baby betty to go play.

Betty is up in the middle of the night playing Tangerine in the mirror. Alice runs upstairs to find Betty who smashed the mirror of her vanity.

Cheryl 

Penelope's charges are: gaslighting her and making her crazy, attempted murder of the core four, murdering Clifford, Claudius, and Hal Cooper (among others). How do you pleade mother most foul?  Cheryl ships her off to the old sex bunker which is truly heinous and covered in semen.

Cheryl has decided to bury Jason which means a viking funeral which is pretty dope and kind of full circle. The core four attends. She lit that sucker up and push him down the river. BYEEEEEE. 

Flashforward

Jughead is dead and Betty as a bloody rock in her hand. 

I love Gina Torres. If she turns out to be evil I don’t know how I will handle my emotions. But is Mrs Grumble in on it? Is she working with Honey to turn up the pressure? Is she part of the group that is killing writers? 

Tessa Leigh Williams wrote this episode and for that I owe her my first born child.

Case 65b - Betty and Alice

Alice went through Betty’s mail, she didn’t get into Yale early admission and is taking birth control. And Alice loses her mind. This was some Season 1 Alice Realness. 

Sidebar can we stop showing smart kids only going to Ivy League schools? Did Harvard and Yale pay off all TV writers that the good kids have to go there? 

Anyways. Betty goes to the counselor, lol that she NOW wants to get some space from her mom. And Alice crashes the meeting. Kill me. Gina Torres is giving me life. 

We Get the FIGHT I HAVE BEEN WAITING 4 YEARS FOR. Betty lists out all the shit, all the shit she has put up with and the insanity that is Alice Cooper’s maternal whiplash. The overparenting, the lies, the abandoning, it is sickening in this laundry list.  Alice accidentally admits, “I love you more. I love you most” and runs out. 

Later at the house, Alice is making dinner and directs Betty to the mail pile. Betty picks up a thicker envelope from Yale (did she just not get in early admin? Did alice lie about her not getting into yale?) that is unopened and a check for Betty’s college fund. Betty says “I love you most too Mom” but the pickings are slim. 

Case 70 Archie Andrews

Archie gets monologuing, and then she tells him that he is addicted to trying to save people. He flips out and screams “I am not an idiot” which is the easiest way to communicate that you are in fact not a calm rational adult. 

I thought she finally got through to him, but JOKES ON ME because Archie takes all this advice about not putting himself in danger and moves out of the house. Sets up the tip line #YouAreNotAlone (THIS IS A TRAP) and at the first sign of danger goes after it with a baseball bat

Sidebar: Fred was not a community man. He did not care about cleaning up the streets. Archie has invented a mission from his dead father.

Case 72 Cheryl Blossom

that was an accident

It would be okay if you told me it wasn’t

I LOVE THIS EPISODE SO FUCKING MUCH, AND THIS IS THE BEST PLOTLINE

Sidebar: Toni is reading the haunting of hill house, is she moving the doll? Also Cheryl says the word taxidermy, how do you do that to a body? Also they need a coach, do you mean Cheryl has been doing all of this herself??

Case 75 Veronica Luna

GINA TORRES IS THE BEST. Veronica and Hiram are obsessed with each other. oh my god “You willingly live at home, you come calling every time he asks” YES. SPEAK.TRUTH.TO.POWER

Veronica takes none of this to heart. She is going to start her own Rum business. (play back the tapes I called this last week) to metaphorically kill her dad. Which is the opposite of what Gina Torres Our Lord and Savior was saying

Case 77 Jughead Jones

Because of Riverdale we know that Jughead is right and there is a massive coverup involving the writers of the Baxter Boys but DAMN did it feel good for him to learn his place. And thank god Gina told him to think about FP because we get the hottest wettest moment of the series. Which is FP saying Boy! And then embracing Jughead with love. UGH let me cry in peace

Flashforward.

Dana and Brett are identifying the Murderous Three as the people who killed Jughead.

I have said it before and I will say it again: Toni is way too cool for this Blossom weirdness but then Toni wheels in Jason carrying dessert and suddenly the Blossoms are less willing to commit Cheryl to an asylum?? 

Meanwhile over at Stonehill Prep 

Betty steps off the train and right on to Jugheads dick. Bughead teams up to play a game of Never Have I Ever, lol remember when Betty was part of the Serpents?

When confronted with the evidence, Donna for some reason immediately confesses to an affair with Chipping. Which Riverdale: WHAT THE FUCK. Jughead is going to tell the headmaster but Donna already has. It feels like she is lying but I do not like that. I also don’t like that they are being filmed #childporn

Meanwhile back in Riverdale 

Veronica didn’t go to the inauguration of her father, and I am confused about why we missed another election? She lashes out over dinner a day early, there is a lot of M’hija and Papi, and I am over it. So is Veronica and she trashes the food. 

Meanwhile in Parentdale 

Alice and FP plan a fucksgiving really asking the question: Where is Jellybean? They end up at a very icy Pops where Hiram and Hermione swing by. They get into a fistfight that quickly escalates into FP having a broken and jagged rum bottle to Hiram’s throat. He backs down. LAME FP JUST KILL HIM. THAT’S MY BOY

Later at the house FP is all “EVERY BONE IN MY BODY IS A SERPENT” And Alice is 1,000% in. 

Meanwhile across town 

Did anyone recognize Dodger's mother as Darla, the girlfriend of the shady man Alice killed? 

Archie wants to have Thanksgiving dinner at the community center. Archie plans on deep frying a turkey. Molly pulls a gun on a woman for threatening Archie. And like Chevov's gun, the turkey fryer explodes.