Swordboys - Cut x Cut

The Swordboys invite you to Okinawa, home of Mr. Miyagi, so make sure to bring your Japanese tongues. The Bride is here for a sword so turn that frown upside down. Topics include subtle restaurant names, Wolfguys, Morbius, the power of strong sake, the importance distinction between bald and shaved heads, underwear and TiVo in the shower, and how Hattori Hanzo created Reddit. Do you understand?

TWBA Runtime: 00:45:36-00:59:00

Volume One Runtime: 00:45:13-00:58:40

Confused? Just watch Chapter 4: The MAN From OKINAWA

We're in Cartoonland this week as we explore Chapter 3: the "O-Rengin". O-Ren's background is brutal and bloody, as we see in media revenge. But, is it real or is it legend? Also discussed are hiding under porches, Weekend at Bernie's, The A-Team, Burn Notice, Pretty Woman, the importance of bulletproof glass, and how The Bride got from the hospital to the airport. Also, as a bonus, Jonathan shares some one-star Amazon reviews. Hard part’s over. Now, let’s get these other piggies wiggling.

Good gravy, Marie! The Swordboys (including a sleepy Jonathan) turn to Chapter 2 of KILL BILL as we encounter some timeline shenanigans with our heroine outlined in chalk on the floor of an El Paso chapel. We are still trying to trace the trajectory of Bill's magic bullet, and get some help from Earl and Edgar McGraw, familiar faces to fans of Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez. At Perdido Hills Hospital, Elle Driver accessorizes her eyepatch, and prepares to twist some nerves and kill The Bride in her sleep, but is stopped by Bill, wielding our first sword of the movie. Four years later, The Bride wakes up in the coma ward from hell, run by the disorderly orderly Buck.

We feel queasy about his bedside manners but it does lead us to discuss knuckle tattoos and the effects of a severed Achilles tendon. Soon enough, she finds her way to the Pussy Wagon and we get all into feet. Grab a hairy tub of Vaselube, wiggle your big toe and kiss your Dixie cup full of toothpaste, our last bit of advice is to avoid Italian restaurants with no windows or Italians. Also, the D is silent. Cling clang!

Do you find us sadistic? The Swordboys open the book on KILL BILL with Chapter One: 2. We discuss some of the changes and deleted scenes from The Whole Bloody Affair (but you can still keep up by watching the theatrical cuts). There are so many fun facts and font facts about how Doo Doo Run Run ran Shaw Brothers Studios, our first Umas, how to pronounce "The RZA", how well Dimples hold up a vinyl collection, and what our snake names are. What's yours? Join us as we also add so many referenced movies to our TCBOO list, consider getting into feet, and pray for Harvey Weinstein's death. You can take our word for it, he has it comin'. When you finish listening, if you still feel raw about it, we'll be waiting.

For this final truncated cut, we discuss our wishes for a Jade Fox origin story, some of the best acting we have ever covered so far, and how we would have ended the movie because the way it ends is pretty baffling to us. Also, Robin is incensed by the purple yin, Rick is stunned at how deceitful 8-year-old girls can be, and Jonathan remembers why he never liked this movie.

Finally, as always, we discuss at length about whether this movie gets our sword, and some of the criteria we look for to determine that.

In this cut, the Swordboys finally get to the best 20 minutes of the movie! After experiencing some ear-piercing trills that natively are known as "music", Jen brings her Karen energy to a restaurant where you get the best cod by fighting the toughest person there. Legends like Iron Arm, Ring Sword, Abacus Guy and Fiststick Man try their best to take the girlboss down, and the establishment ends up in ruins as a result.

Speaking of girlbossing, Shu Lien shows us the difference between a boss and a leader when Girls Night at Sun Security ends up deteriorating into the swordfight that made this an official Swordboy selection! But after Obi-Wan Mu Bai interrupts the rumble, the Swordboys are forced to rationalize wuxia flight skills as Li and Jen film a Nestle Symphony commercial amongst the bendy branches of the bamboo trees.

Comb one, comb all as we continue the flashback to Dark Cloud's Mountain Spa, where we find out what happens to falcons that can't deliver messages correctly. Jen is on her eat pray love journey with Lo, where we return to a Swordboys staple: the pre-coitus stabbing. Yup, this is a kissing movie and Jen and Lo meld each other's cultures so much that Jen could eat a whole horse. Back in the present, Lao Che Longfingers is the unwilling participant in a wedding processional that is secretly a Trap. But instead of luring out the Fox, we are left with a sadsack Hound: Bad Rufio - who is brought Lo by his pathetic behavior. Soon enough, it's Runaway Bride time as Jen escapes to a KOA Kampground. Finally, we learn when China got Windows. Join us as we ponder three questions that we would love your input on: is Bravestar bigger than Trap, who is the crouching tiger and who is the hidden dragon, and what is your badass name? Wait, is that four questions?

Welcome to The Most Talking Cut, which would probably be better with either Sean Connery or arm wrestling. In this cut, you've got Sir T (who pities a fool), Karen Yu and High Energy Action Star Li Mu Bai trying to figure out what to do with a Jade-pilled Jen.

Just when Li thought he was out, some flying wuxia and skadooshing brings him back in. We also flashback to days, months or years ago (who knows), when Jen's caravan was raided by Dark Cloud and the Heartbreakers, but it turns out to be quite the beat-cute when Jen gets Lo. But it leads the Swordboys to an important question: are you a Lo Boy or a Bo Boy? En garde!

If you're bored, you'll be so happy to hear from us as we get into another cut of Crouching Talking Hidden Drama! Mr T pities the fool that stole the Green Destiny, but could Governor Yu be behind it all? Maybe not, but that wanted poster sure looks like his daughter's governess! Speaking of, Jen and Shu Lien become like total besties and Jen is shipping #ShuLiMu on her Tumblr. But Shu Lien is conflicted because of the death to Meng.

But enough about them, because the best part of this movie is Deputy Bo who is such an idiot but also our favorite character. He bumbles around Inspector Tsai (chief head-puncher and Glaive aficionado) and his daughter Mai (wielder of the ancient butter knife) to take down Jade Fox, who steals all her moves from Wudan Mountain and Miyagi-Do. But an awesome fight turns into a crazy awesome fight when Jen and Li Mu Bai join in from nearby trees.

The Swordboys are here to say that they know kung fu (movies)! They take a major step down in quality from the last movie to discuss CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON! Buckle up, everybody - they’re about to get everything wrong - from Chinese history to basic pronunciation. They jump aboard the Li/Yu ship. What, Li? No, Yu! Jonathan talks about the time he joined a meditation cult, Rick discusses Shu Lien’s gaslighting/gatekeeping/girlbossing and Robin delivers some audio swordporn. It’s their Green Destiny to talk this film, which brings up topics like Mr. Sword, Swords & Sensibility and the sounds of a sword wiggling and wobbling. Wiggle wiggle wobble wobble!