Co-parenting can be so challenging - especially when the values and boundaries are not shared between the parents. Unfortunately, it is our kids that get the short end of the stick when our parenting dynamics are unhealthy.

We discussed this with Tammy Daughtry, a marriage and family therapist, author, and founder of Co-parenting international. Tammy's basic co-parenting principles involve paying attention to:

1. The 'Handoff'

This is how we manage the exchange of the child. (which will happen hundreds of times in a child's life) It can be volatile or even just a convenient time to discuss co-parenting business. Agree to never talk about co-parenting issues during the handoff. Children are always watching, and we want to make this exchange tell a story that things are ok; they don't have to be emotionally torn apart. To do this effectively we:

Prepare our child for the exchange - Don't ever express frustration about the other parent when getting ready. Be the encourager about the opportunity to spend time with the other parent with positive reinforcement.

Prepare ourselves - We must prepare ourselves emotionally to not let our emotions show and impede the exchange. Give them the emotional permission to go be with the other parent, either verbally or in body language. Do this by setting our emotions aside for the hour leading up to and during the exchange.

Once we have handed off, have a sounding board that we can process all that we are feeling with.

When our kids come back, again, set our negative emotions aside and just listen and encourage the exciting stories they have come back with. If there are negative stories, listen without piling our own feelings on.

Our children have competing attachments. In a married family structure, loving mom (or Dad) doesn't have any negative influence on the other parent. In a divorced situation, a child can begin to feel guilty or ashamed for loving or missing the other parent, which can trigger the parent. We need to compartmentalize our emotions so that we do not put our kids in a situation where they begin to feel shame or guilt for their love for the other parent.

2. Managing the difference in 'cultures' between the two homes.

( This is assuming there is nothing that poses a threat to our kids emotional or physical well-being ) When we have a different approach to our ex, related in the way we raise our kids, look at it like our kids live in two countries. The dynamics and value systems may be different, and we have no control over either. We need to just focus on the 'country' we are leading. Stand strong with statements like - " I know that in their house things are done another way, in this house we _______" without diminishing the 'culture' of the other home.

3. Empower our kids to have a voice when they are being put in the middle.

Let them know they are free to say to either parent, "I am not comfortable talking about that, I would rather you ask (other parent)" when they are put in a position of being asked questions about the other parent.

4. Be a role model on how we do hard things.

There will be times when our child doesn't want to go to the other parents. Understand that the chances for a healthy child dramatically increases when both parents are in a child's life (assuming there is nothing dangerous), so invest in creating memories with both parents.

Resources

Co-parenting App - Appclose

FREE resource - 10 things kids of divorce wish they could say to their parents.

Coparentinginternational.com

Facebook.com/SoloParentSociety