Tankespjärn with Helena Roth

‘I blew it up!’, he exclaimed, as we started talking, with Steve sharing his latest adventures, continuing, ‘I didn't mean to blow it up, but I blew it up.’

Well. There you go.

The most fascinating things occur when doing internal work. Our processes have been running in parallel, with a lot of similarities and interweaving of experiences and issues, and as the same time, each of our processes are unique. I do process-oriented therapy for an hour and a half every week with a therapist, while Steve works ‘alone’ with journaling, where the journals kind of take the part of a therapist/guide, as he actively flicks through them now and again, as he’s stuck. Seeing new things, picking up on patterns etc.

What works for each of us individually might or might not work for the other, and these are also just two of probably a gazillion different ways of doing inner work. Luckily, there’s no one who can say they’ve figured out The Right Way, or The Only Way, which also means that if you’ve tried one way that didn’t sit well with you – experiment on my friend, there’s bound to be some way that works for you! And perhaps listening to me and Steve share our two ways of going about it might inspire you to take some type of action?

This is how I try to work. By being descriptive, rather than prescriptive. I don’t know what will work for you or not (and neither do you, perhaps), but if I describe what’s worked for me, you might be inspired to tweak and try something out yourself. And here you get two for the price of one, what with me and Steve walking a similar path, using different modalities.

There’s more (there’s always more) to be had than this, though, and I trust you will find a nugget or two of tankespjärn that will get your system churning!

Links:

Steve Emery is most easily found on Color Sweet Tooth

Join me and Steve in the Tankespjärn community on Patreon

Process-oriented therapy with Dominic Bosm  an Venter

“Death journaling” by Ira Progoff

Active imagination

Internal Family Systems

Carlos Castaneda and The teaching of Don Juan

Iain McGilchrist and The Master and his Emissary

Daniel Quinn and My Ishmael

Matthew Word Bain on Medium and Patreon

Do you take yourself seriously?

Have a hard time laughing at yourself when you’ve done something whacky?

Is it a heavy burden to be you, to achieve all you’ve set out to achieve, according to standards you hold no one to, except yourself?

If so, you are in good company, as both me and Izzy have had our fair share of taking ourselves too seriously, with similarities and unique facets of what precisely that seriousness looks and feels like.

I’ve come a long way in comparison with myself of the past, and yet, diving deep into myself in process-oriented therapy, I am discovering all sort of new ways that I still take myself too seriously, holding myself to superhuman standard.

And too seriously… yes. I say that, deliberately, as judgmental as it might seem. And it is. Because taking myself too seriously means I stop the flow of life, it makes it really hard for me to dance with life, with whatever comes knocking on the door.

Izzy was preparing for a talk, when we recorded this conversation, and she was nervous. And taking herself seriously. And you know, what if those nervous fluttering sensations are an invite to not take yourself too seriously? What if…

Feeling that nervous fluttering of butterflies in my stomach could mean Oh no! which can sink me, but could also mean Oh yes! and raise me up. ~Helena

Yeah.

What if?

Now and again… what if’s can totally bring me down.

And if I flip them around, they can help me soar high into the sky.

Just like those fluttering wings.

Allowing for that flip is one way to invite tankespjärn into your life. So as you listen, see where there’s a flip for you, that will shift your perspective, challenge a belief, and possibly, just possibly, make you soar high.

Links:

Izzy can be found through RedCheeks

43. Giving and receiving or buying and selling? with Matthew and Inma on ‘coming into a different relationship with my nervous system’

Helena in a speaking engagement in October of 2021 (in Swedish)

altMBA at Akimbo Workshops

I am ruthless when it comes to notifications.

Off is the name of the game for me, with one exception: text messages (the actually text messages, not WhatsApp, Signal, Messenger etc. Those are off too.)

It bugs me, that any number of apps/services that I use, keep throwing a repeat question my way: You have notifications turned off. Sure you don’t wanna turn them on?

YES!

I am super-sure I don’t wanna turn them on. I have very deliberately and intentionally turned them off, and I’d like for you to respect that. I know how to turn them on again, if and when I choose to, and not because you are not taking no for an answer.

‘Our modern way of marketing is to never take no for an answer.’ ~Andy

Andy goes so far as to liken it to a type of rape-culture, which, honestly, it is. Isn’t it? I say no, no, no, no, no and no, and still, you keep at it (I am looking at you Goodreads, Goodpods, Twitter etc). Just won’t take no for an answer, until you’ve worn me down, so I might say yes, simply to get you to stop.

Mmm…

Me no like.

It makes my Inner Ethics Committee on Marketing go No. No thank you. Not now, not ever. And I have to wonder: Am I alone in this? (Rhetorical question. I am not. If nothing else, I’ve got Andy on my side.)

‘A mirror being held up: “Is this the person you want to be?”’ ~Andy

That is the bigger question lurking in the background. For me at least. (And obviously for Andy too, as he asked it.)

How do I want to show up in life? Online, offline, in person, in memory.

What do I do, what do I avoid doing? How do I do, and not do? And specifically, on the topic of marketing, what do I feel is worthy of being marketed? And how? When does my Inner Ethics Committee go Yes, and when does it go No? Definitely something for me to play some more with!

This is a type of marketing too, I just realized… argh! So much tankespjärn, available wherever I point my attention – and I hope you might also be able to find a nugget or two in this our fifth and final conversation.

Links:

Andy Mort

Andy’s Patreon page

Andy goes skiing – Instagram reel

Rob Bell

A little life by Hanya Yanagihara

Me and Reddy sat down for our fifth and final conversation on the 24th of February 2022, when Russia made their move on Ukraine. With that backdrop, perhaps you will not be surprised that our conversation circled around the concept of violence. But, not necessarily in the way you might think.

We assume that we're good human beings if we are not violent. And we assume that if we are violent, then we are bad human beings. The simplicity of that statement makes it all the more violent, because we are immediately classifying and splitting people apart, creating more room for violence, more likelihood of violence. ~Reddy

I’ve been giving violence quite a lot of thoughts lately, even going into therapy a few months ago with the statement Maybe violence isn’t all that bad as the starting point. Made for an interesting therapy session for sure. This conversation in no less interesting to me, and we touch on so many interesting aspects of violence. Of aggression. On who wants war, and who doesn’t. On the non-violence movement of Gandhi, and how aggressive his ‘turn the other cheek’-practice was. Bring in a few kittens, the harvest of sweetgrass and playing rock-paper-scissor over Ukraine, and you have the range of this conversation!

And regardless if you agree with what pops out of the mouth of me and/or Reddy in this meandering conversation of ours, I hope you pick up on something that was very apparent to me as we were talking: we dare have this conversation. With each other. (And you, because it’s published now too.)

This is most definitely a sticky topic, or a potentially sticky topic at least. But we dance with it and each other, in a way that for me is respectful with a lot of curiosity and openness. And laughter, a vital ingredient in life, and definitely in sticky conversations. So, dive in, and play with us, in a respectful and curious way, where agreement isn’t the purpose. We don’t HAVE to agree. We don’t HAVE to come to any one conclusion. Bouncing from tankespjärn to tankespjärn, we are simply playing in the space between Violence is bad and Maybe violence isn’t all that bad. Join us?

Links:

Reddy on Twitter (and me on Twitter)

Buddhas by the Roadside, a podcast with me, Dominic and Caspian

Ishmael by Daniel Quinn, followed by The Story of B and My Ishmael

@DHH from Basecamp

Greenlights by Matthew McConaughey

Embodied Intimacy

Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer

Korean movie Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter… and Spring

Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin

The Diwali-festival

CISV International

A Slice of Swedish Hospitality

The Tankespjärn Patreon community – join us in playing!

Gift culture and Place.

Two terms that have been a common thread throughout all the conversations I’ve been having with Matthew and Inma in this season, and this, the fifth and final conversation, is no exception.

Inma shares a lovely story of her grandmother always giving her this big box of chocolates on her Name Day, a day always celebrated with the entire extended family present, all the while knowing that Inma isn’t very fond of chocolates [I know. Just the idea that there are people out there who aren’t very fond of chocolate is enough of a tankespjärn to last me a day or two, that’s for sure!]. After many years of this, when Inma finally actually asked why, her grandmother’s response was: “I know that you don't like chocolate, but because you don't like chocolate, you are the only one who is going to open the box here and share it with everyone.”

Which is another way of pointing to what Matthew heard Dave Snowden say:

“Giving a gift is an indication that you want to be in community.”

Without a social fabric tying us all together, our world, our lives, would fall apart. Community – a weave of individual strands – forms the basis of gift culture.

“The presence of social fabric is a way to guarantee that abundance always flows into the direction of greatest need, that surplus always flows in the direction of greatest need, that people don't hoard wealth, because that doesn't make any sense in the gift culture.” ~Matthew

The giving of gifts.

Sitting in the garden, gifted the warm shine of the sun, the laughter of a neighbor kid down the street, the clean water in my cup next to me, birds chirping away, thrilled at the coming of spring, the jingling of the little bell on Pop the cat’s collar as he makes his way over to me for a cuddle…

All of them gifts.

None of them ostentatious, apparent, obvious.

All of them subtle, easily overlooked, but oh so precious if, and when, I acknowledge them.

Perhaps the chocolate-thing was enough tankespjärn for you, perhaps you are eager for more… if so, join us and let me/us know your thoughts, by writing a comment or reaching out to either of us. It would be a gift. In the same way we gift you this conversation-turned-podcast.

Links:

Matthew Word Bain on Medium and Instagram

Inma J Lopez, sommelier and writer on Attention

Nilofer Merchant and onlyness

The Emerald podcast, the episode with Tyson Yunkaporta on Pattern, Kinship, and Story in a World of Decontextualized Minds

For years I’ve been reflecting on the concept of judgment only to have a revelation when discernment showed up casting a whole new light upon judgment. In this conversation, me and Steve meander into the quagmire of comparison and BAM – I make a connection I’ve not made before, seeing how comparison paired with either judgment or discernment really makes for two completely different scenarios, or energies.

‘Judgment is taking things and comparing them, deciding which one is above or below, on some evaluative scale.

Whereas discerning is merely thinking about differences, where differences are horizontal, not judged one way or the other.

[…] you split the things apart, create the discernment, which is the cutting apart of things and separating them. And then in the gap in the middle is where the insight comes from.’ ~Steve

That I get to have conversations like these, meandering, agendaless, in a context where mutual respect, openness and curiosity is the very foundation we stand upon, is just so wondrous! It gives me ample opportunity to create, generate, stumble upon, be invited into just that gap in the middle where the insight comes from that Steve points to.

Makes me grateful that he is a reflective introvert, however much he can also see the potential downside to that way of being in the world.

’I often often envy people who don't introspect much because they just seem to do what they want to do or say what they want to say.’ ~Steve

But isn’t that just what discernment actually points to? That everything has its moment where it’s just right (the Swedish word lagom comes to mind!), not too much, not too little, not all the time, nor never. Just right. Lagom. Goes for everything, doesn’t it?

‘Maybe we all should be dealing with each other's needs a little bit better, but the fact that some of us are overthinking for others and others are under-thinking for others means that it's not very balanced. At times it can feel like we're being taken advantage of if we're the ones doing the thinking instead of the doing or asking.’ ~Steve

Are you prone to reflection? To over- or under-thinking? This conversation invites you to look at that, and much more, as always, an episode where there’s some tankespjärn available if you are open to it.

Links:

Steve Emery is most easily found on Color Sweet Tooth

Mark Nepo and The Book of Awakening

Dumma Människor – Det underbara lidandet

Daniel Kahneman Thinking, Fast & Slow

Mellanrum, a most lovely Swedish word

The Tulip tree, Liriodendron tulipifera

Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer

The Honorable Harvest

Optimising Nutrition

Picasso's Guernica

“I think it's so important that you have conversations with people on the podcast and you publish it [so] people can experience different people, basically different voices, different ways of thinking.” ~Izzy

It’s fascinating how the common thread of each of these 5x5 conversations varies. Matthew, Inma and me speak a lot about space, place and the gift economy. Reddy and me have been travelling within and without, visiting the Himalayas and native lands, food and languages. A journey in the footsteps of Andy’s quickly growing creative-babies (13 songs born just before we had our first conversation). There’s been some deeply personal and creative explorations with Steve, and with Izzy, well, intimacy is it. This conversation is no different, even though we take a slightly different slant, and get a bit more explicit here.

Like the difference between the hypersexualized world we live in, a world I perceive as zoomed in, in-my-face, explicit. The in-and-out:ness of porn, in a Duracell Bunny-hyped energy that… just doesn’t get my juices flowing. Counter that with what does; something much more sensual, erotica which feels more zoomed out, with a lot of allure, a dance between light and shadow, leaving a lot to my own imagination.

Luckily, I get to choose, and so do you. Like Izzy says, we're all different!

She also points to something that is rarely spoken about: the benefits of pleasureable sex.

“There is research that proves that having sex, enjoyable sex, sex that allows you to explore your own and your partner's pleasures, sex that is consensual, has a positive impact on your health.” ~Izzy

She calls it ’the discovery of our pleasures' which brings a smile to my face. Perhaps because that phrase opens pleasure up (way) beyond sex? Or the other way around, opens sex up to be more than I have labelled it to be? The sensuality of ordinary life suddenly takes on a whole new tint and tone… mmm. I like it!

Tag along for a ride that will certainly give you a tankespjärn or two.

Links:

Izzy can be found through RedCheeks

Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer

Esther Perel, author of the book Mating in Captivity

Process-oriented therapy with Dominic Bosman Venter

Women who run with the wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Operant conditioning and classical conditioning

Kinsey, the movie

Skarhult Castle and previous exhibitions on lovers and mistresses

Ethical Porn for Dicks: A Man’s Guide to Responsible Viewing Pleasure by David J. Ley

Braiding Sweetgrass.

Written by Robin Wall Kimmerer.

A book that comes up over and over again in my life, as a testament to the impact it’s making not just for me, but also for Matthew and Inma, for instance. Perhaps because we are all a part of the same Creative Community where that was the bookclub-choice for January of 2022.

Andy asks who it’s for and however eager I am to burst out EVERYBODY. But that’s a bit lazy, honestly. Nothing or no one is for everybody, something I know to be true. I especially know I am not for everyone. Braiding Sweetgrass I point to those who are interested in, concerned or even anxious about the state of the natural world today.

”[…] there’s fire you must tend to every day. The hardest one to take care of is the one right here,” he says, tapping his finger against his chest. “Your own fire, your spirit. We all carry a piece of that sacred fire within us. We have to honor it and care for it. You are the firekeeper.” – from Braiding Sweetgrass, the chapter ‘Shkitagen: People of the seventh fire’, by Robin Wall Kimmerer

When our creations are rooted in that place, when they come from our innermost sacred fire, there’s a timeless quality to them. Honor yourself, your creations and the world by taking the time to go deep when you create, and your creations are seeded with that timeless quality. (As oppossed to 'doing what's popular right now', which quickly becomes dated material/creations!)

And yes!

This is one of our meanders; inspired by an update on Andy’s songs, the thirteen songs that were born a week before our first conversation. They have now stepped into adolescence, truly coming into their own identities, and the kids-metaphor we started back then still feels valid and relevant.

I, on the other hand, share how therapy has brought me to shaky ground, coming up against a few layers (of habits, beliefs, traits) that have served me these past 15 years… but now? Do they still? Or not? And what's underneath them? I don't know, it feels very uncertain, and thus… on shaky ground!

“Starting to listen more to intuition, really finding an openness to it so I don't automatically fall into rational intellect saying ’This is what to do’. Because rational intellect can tell me that ‘You live a great life just now. Keep at it, the way it is. Don't rock the boat!’.

But there's something telling me ’Rock the boat. Now!’” ~Helena Roth

If nothing else, perhaps there’s enough tankespjärn for you by simply asking yourself if there’s a boat of two in your life that is ready to be rocked?

Links:

Andy Mort

Andy’s Patreon page

Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer

Creative Community

44. Connections – already there and always will be | with Reddy

Process-oriented therapy with Dominic Bosman Venter

The Beginner's Guide to Dream Interpretation: Uncover the Hidden Riches of Your Dreams by Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Sisu, the Finnish spirit

Connection.

Me and Reddy dive deep into connection in this our fourth conversation.

(Again. Seems we come around to this central theme every conversation, even though it might take on slightly different shapes and colors.)

Why, why is it so hard to imagine that everything is connected? Everyone is connected, all thoughts, all ideas, all emotions, all our feelings. Everything's connected. And I actually have to remind myself that I'm connected. ~ Reddy

Have you ever felt disconnected? Separate, alienated, all alone.

Yeah.

The number of human beings who hasn’t felt that has to be low. But I’d venture a guess, that can never be anything but a guess, that the more we culturally have separated ourselves from Nature, the more disconnected, separate, alienated and alone we feel.

I don't even need to make the connections. Connections are there, they're being made. I just need to let them flow effortlessly. ~ Reddy

When we believe the only people around are humans, already then, we’ve severely minimized the possibility of connection that is always and already there. And cognition seems to be a possible culprit here. I can talk myself out of needs I have, however real, physical and valid they are. Fear-driven rather than willing to explore and expand, I make myself small and unimportant, when, really, I am not. And neither are you.

We matter, our needs matter, and sometimes I wish we could be more like cats or little kids. Cats do Cat, you know? Pop the cat doesn’t worry about what I might think of him when he desperately needs to get outside even though I am in the middle of a pod-recording. Little kids do Human, in the same way. Not yet entangled in norms and expectations, the culture of the family, the neighbourhood, the country, and the domesticated behaviours deemed good and worthy.

What would happen if more of us flowed with the wave of our personal energy, be it domestication or animalistic? Scary thought? Well. Perhaps. But maybe you can explore it in a way that isn’t scary, but rather expanding?

This, and many other threads of tankespjärn are definitely to be had if you press Play, diving deep into connection with me and Reddy.

Links:

Reddy on Twitter (and me on Twitter)

Buddhas by the Roadside, a podcast with me, Dominic and Caspian

Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer

Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday

Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo

Finite and Infinite Games: A Vision of Life as Play and Possibility by James P. Carse

Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Lekfull tantra (playful tantra) with Charlotte Cronquist

Embodied Intimacy

Torka aldrig tårar utan handskar-series by Jonas Gardell

The Self-Care Mastery of Cats

Paraphrasing Inma who said something along the lines of ‘in any given day, there's more giving/receiving than buying/selling taking place on the planet’ I want to challenge you to think about it. If you read this before pressing play on the 43rd podcast episode, then maybe hold off for a minute or two. Close your eyes. Sense into it.

What is buying/selling?

Who is buying/selling?

What’s the benefits and the drawbacks?

How does it serve? And whom?

And then.

Lean into the other one.

Giving and receiving.

What does that mean?

Where does giving/receiving take place?

Who’s engaging in it? Where? And why?

How does it serve?

How does it differ from buying/selling?

And what if… one or the other was suddenly outlawed.

A world with no buying/selling taking place.

Or a world with no giving/receiving taking place.

Can you picture these two scenarios?

What would they each lead to?

What would the impact be, if you removed either of them?

Me, Matthew and Inma spend quite some time meandering around this tankespjärn, and it’s stayed with me ever since our conversation. It’s made me more conscious of when I engage in either of these four activities (buying, selling, giving, receiving). But it’s also made me more aware how subtle a lot of the giving is, and even more so, the receiving.

I receive things  a l l   t h e   t i m e.

Every breath I take. There’s a gift given me, that I receive.

Every sip of water, each morsel of food, is a gift given to me, that I receive.

Every smile I encounter, every song I hear, the flower I smell… all of it gifted me. Some more easily and readily received than others. (There’s a lot of song’s that I am not interested in receiving. Flower’s I don’t particularly enjoy looking at or smelling.)

The shelter my house brings me, the warmth the stove graciously extends to me, how the intricate system of my physical body can propel me 8 kilometers by bike swiftly and without too much trouble.

It’s simply amazing, when you start to think of it. Brings me the same type of feeling that I get sitting outside on a dark night, looking up at the stars in the universe… drowning in the vastness of it all.

I hope you will find a nugget or two of tankespjärn once you press Play, inviting me, Matthew and Inma into your life for a while, gifted our presence, perhaps receiving something you didn’t expect?

Links:

Matthew Word Bain on Medium and Instagram

Inma J Lopez, sommelier and writer on Attention

The Wolf Moon of January

Episode 37 of Tankespjärn with Helena Roth, in conversation with Steve Emery

The History of Bees by Maja Lunde

Where the crawdads sing by Delia Owens

Robin Wall Kimmerer and Braiding Sweetgrass

Episode 39 of Tankespjärn with Helena Roth, in conversation with Reddy