Join me as I continue to reflect on the later stages of my experience with harassment within the RCMP. My supervisors' Mental Health worsened as active addiction (Alcoholism) continued to occur behind the scenes while at home. Trauma impacts our officers Mental Health in incredibly profound ways and at times our members suffer so severely they can become ineffective as they suffer in silence. This also can impact leaders within the organization.

I recognized many of the warning signs along the way; however, continued to hold hope that things would improve without having to take corrective action against my supervisor. Despite this hope I was proven wrong when on one event I was physically charged by my supervisor while at work. I believed I was going to be attacked while at work and as a result my anxiety would spiral out of control. My anxiety grew over time and worsened to the point that I began suffering from severe panic attacks while at work and home.

This episode builds on the previous episode and continues to be aimed directly at open conversation. Conversation aimed at focusing on growth and awareness. Take care of each other, always!

I hope you enjoy this weeks episode.

Join me as I reflect on when I encountered a bully within the ranks of the RCMP. I approach this topic with sensitivity and compassion as it deserves just that. This is not an episode where the focus is placed on the culprits reputation and is definitely not rooted in slander. What this is in fact is an opportunity to approach harassment and bullying with an understanding as to why it occurs. What can be done to identify it and prevent it from escalating to a point where the impacts are harmful to those that experience these types of situations.

This episode is geared towards open conversation. Conversation aimed at focusing on growth and awareness. Take care of each other, always!

I hope you enjoy this weeks episode. 

Join me as I reflect on a call I had once with my partner who to this day I have immense respect and care for.

We were called to stop a vehicle that was used in a crime spree in Squamish B.C. and had fled from local Police. My partner and I attended to this call with a spike belt and ultimately were successful in stopping the vehicle; however, what happened next still shocks me. When we attempted to arrest the occupants of the vehicle and I ended up getting in a foot chase! The foot chase was short lived and to this day brings back lighter memories of policing. The bizarre and shocking things we see that you cannot make up. The funny stories we carry with us for our entire lives.

I keep it light this week and focus on some of the positive stories and aspects of policing. While the career is challenging, there is much to be grateful for as well.

Thank you for listening and I hope you enjoy this weeks episode!

Join me as I continue to discuss and conclude dissociation from last weeks episode. We recap on why it happens to us and that it is a perfectly normal bodily sensation when faced with a shocking or traumatic event.

Following that I recall an event which I found to be incredibly difficult. It involved the loss of an animals life, but yet also the depth of the emotional ability of a horse.

*** Trigger Warning ***

In this episode we do discuss a harmful event to an animal. So please ensure you take care of your own mental health needs if you decide to join me on this journey.

Following the event where I had to end a horses life due to sustained injuries I faced compassion fatigue. Some of the symptoms I faced from that call included helplessness, hopelessness and a complete sense of powerlessness. I became irritable angry and extremely numb at times. I did not recognize this at the time; however, I tried to cope the best way I knew how.

In years to come I would be challenged to not only deal with my PTSD from Policing but recover from it as well.

Join me as I share my journey which I hope supports and helps those who struggle!

I reflect on last weeks episode where I was swarmed as a Police Officer and the long lasting impact it had on myself. Following that event I feared being in large crowds on days off and started socially isolating. My anxiety would later become a monumental road block for myself and my social life as I believed that social isolation was a healthy coping tool to keep me safe. My inner circle and friendships were impact by my inability to feel safe at social functions and thus I simply stopped being social. It took years of therapy to find feelings of being safe in larger crowds and reteach myself the importance of social connection as I began to heal.

*** Trigger Warning ***

I recall a particularly disturbing event involving a mother who had serious Mental Health issues and how her behaviours may have impacted her newborn son. No one was hurt in this episode but I do forewarn you that I again paint a very detailed image of how witnesses a potentially violent act towards a baby impacted myself. 

In this episode I speak about the first time I dissociated and what that experience was like. Trauma often causes us to dissociate in an effort to protect ourselves from anticipated pain.

I reflect how I initially had suppressed this incident into memory and completely "forgot" about it. It wasn't until thirteen years later, when my son was born, that this painful memory was triggered and brought back to the forefront of my memory to be processed and dealt with.

In closing this will be the last traumatic event I speak of openly from my perspective. We will be shifting gears into leaving my traumatic calls I experienced while in Whistler, B.C. and continuing into the next phase of my journey when I became a plain clothes member investigating various Provincial and Federal level Criminal Investigations.

Please reach out if you are struggling and seek professional help. You are not alone in this journey and often times the first step in order to promote your own well being is reaching out for help!

Take care and much love!

Join me as I recall when I learned that as Police Officer we are often thrust into incredibly difficult situations. I learned early on that in order to manage my own emotions I needed to shut them down first and rely on my training to ensure the most positive outcome. Repeated cycles of this coping style are beneficial in the Policing environment but often times lead to much unresolved trauma.

I acknowledge that this is how I began handling much of my experienced trauma and unfortunately suppressed many of the events over the course of my career. I would argue that most first responders take this approach in the beginning and only until later realize its true impact.

*** Trigger Warning ***

I discuss in detail about an event that I found particularly disturbing. On this event my partner and I were swarmed in the Village one night and we both feared for our lives. I talk about the event from the perspective of a first responder. The impact of people who are intoxicated and how their negative interactions with Police often force us to take unprecedented action to ensure our own safety. I also discuss the impact of the situation and how it caused me to block out portions of my memory and how adrenaline being dumped into the body can give you limitless amounts of strength in an attempt to ensure your survival.

While I do not condone violent acts action was required to be taken by myself to ensure our own safety.

In closing I reflect how, years later, I had to begin my journey into therapy and learn how to talk about my traumatic experiences in order to heal.

If you are suffering please seek help, please know you are not alone in this.

Continue to hold hope for yourself and know that the place that you are in does not have to be that way forever.

Much love!

Join me as I discuss and explain where trauma sits in the body and why! 

I first learned that trauma is not located in the mind, but rather the body from my journey into rehab. I explain in detail a common misconception that people believe trauma is stored in the mind. In our journey into our own trauma it is important to understand our body and how it holds onto past traumatic events and how we can help it process unresolved emotions.

*** Trigger Warning ***

In addition I speak about my first serious call involving loss of life. On one night shift we were called to respond to an event where a pedestrian had been struck by a taxi cab on the highway. I describe in detail how we as humans are never prepared for our first witnessed event involving death and what some of the impacts to us may include as first responders. I also offer advice on how to properly process these difficult calls to ensure you continue to look after your mental health!

In closing I recall a particularly embarrassing story where I encounter my first "mountie pant blow out" event while at a training exercise.

This episode is deeply rooted in a traumatic story so please be cognizant of your own mental health needs as you join me on my journey.

Much love!

Join me as I continue on my journey. I was first posted to Whistler, British Columbia after Depot (Police training) in 2007.

In this episode I recall my first moments in Whistler. I was surrounded by profound beauty, picturesque mountains and a resort community which was beyond beautiful. Here is where I learned how to become a Police Officer, but prior to that I had to navigate the pain of loss as I recognized my support structure was no longer present in my life. Away from home and realizing the relationships I had previously nurtured were fading. I was thrust into career, ultimately forced to decide on whether to continue to pursue my career or leave it all behind and return home.

We are often at a crossroads in life where we must make difficult decisions. In this episode I share some light stories surrounding my first moments in Whistler and moments where I experienced pain from loss.

We also discuss the pace of policing and some of the bodily reactions I first noticed in relation to responses to stress. This is where I begin to see just how little time Police Officers have to process their stress or trauma from the job.

Thank you for joining me on this journey! I am amazed as I witness such an amazing community of supportive and compassionate people begin to recognize the importance of their own stories!

In this episode we continue in my journey as I enter Depot. I leave behind one civilian life for another. The world of Policing is a world unto its own. Depot has been training civilians since 1885 and preparing men and women for the unique challenges that Policing brings. Our Police officers have duties that range from Municipal, Provincial and Federal duties. We also serve internationally in United Peace Keeping missions. Every RCMP Officer begins their journey here, just like myself.

Join me as I describe my journey through training. Twenty Six weeks of training alongside nearly thirty men and women prepared me for my Policing career; however, did not prepare myself for my journey in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for which I would later be diagnosed with as a result of serving my country.

I continue to be grateful for the opportunity to have had served as a Mountie and in this episode reflect on the amazing things that were accomplished as a group and individually while in Regina, Saskatchewan.

In this episode I share what my life looked like prior to being a Mountie. I speak to specific steps that I took to ensure I pushed myself closer to obtaining my goal which was to become a RCMP Officer. I was fortunate to get in at a very young age (21 years of age). I describe some of the sacrifices I had to make in order to achieve my dream. Some of the personal goals I had to set with my physical ability and the education that I sought in order to increase my chances of being successful.

I also speak to my limited perception of what I believed Policing entailed and the fact that I was disillusioned in my assessment of the risks that came with Policing. This was clearly evident on March 3, 2005 when four RCMP mounties were gunned down and murdered while executing a search warrant on a farm in Mayerthorpe, Alberta.

Prior to this day I had the opportunity to be involved with many "ride alongs" and as a result met these men. I knew them to be some of the most compassionate individuals and I admired how they selflessly served their communities.

Met with the reality of the risks that Policing carried I was challenged to process my own loss and grief from this event. I later used this moment to further push me through the realities of these risks and remain steadfast in my goal.

Join me as I paint a picture of my journey up to the point of being accepted into Depot, Regina.

If you are struggling with PTSD, depression, anxiety, addiction or mental health issues please know there is help for you. Reaching out is the first step in taking action to your own betterment. Please feel free to reach out to myself if you are unsure on how to take this first step and I would be glad to assist in any way.

"Always remembered, never forgotten" Anthony Gordon, Lionide "Leo" Johnston, Brock Myrol and Peter Schiemann