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Welcome back to the Ashlee Jaine Show, ladies. I am your host and guide, Ashlee Jaine, sharing tips, tricks and advice on all things self growth, self-love, personal development, relationships and pretty much everything else in between.
EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION
Today, we are going to be talking about one of the necessary topics or I feel like it is necessary, and that is effective communication. Now, I talked a little bit and gave a great example of the importance of effective communication in my last podcast episode, where I really talk about expectations and relationships and how important it is to communicate those.
Honestly, I have actually had quite a few interactions here recently with people in my life where I have been totally blown away by their lack of communication skills. So that's what we are going to be talking about today. That is what we are going to be addressing. And unfortunately, most people are never taught how to effectively communicate with others. And what's even worse than that is that most people don't even take the initiative to learn how to effectively communicate with others.
Now, I will say I was not taught how to effectively communicate. I don't think that that's really something that a lot of parents teach their children. However, when we are adults, it kind of becomes our due diligence to learn how to effectively communicate. And so I feel like most of you listening, are working towards bettering. yourself in all regards. Maybe you're on your way to learning how to communicate effectively or maybe you are just not there yet, but it is important for you.
This is one of the best life skills that you can ever learn, and that is how to effectively communicate with others, because this is how you get your needs and your wants met. This is how you relate to others. The relevance that they and of the role that they play in your life is how you convey your love. This is there's so many things that go into communication. This is how you show up to be yourself and to share who you are and how you learn about others.
This is truly the basis and the foundation of so much in our lives. So needless to say, I truly feel like this is such an important, important life skill and important thing to learn if you haven't already and if you are on your way to learning. I truly hope that it's something that you master at this point. And where I'm at with communication, I am still guilty of slip ups and mis-communicating and being irrational and saying things that I really shouldn't from time to time. So it's one of those things where it's a muscle and you have to flex it and you have to work on it in order for it to, you know, reach its potential. So just keep that in mind as we're going through everything. But honestly, I just really want you to understand the importance of communication and the way that it carries in your life and in your relationships and relationships are literally built or broken on communication.
I can share a story about a friend that I had. And it was so unfortunate because I really loved this friend, she was a good friend of mine. And we kind of got I don't even recall what the argument was about, but the things that were said on her end of the conversation were angry. She was hurt or angry, and she was saying things in response to those emotions. And in turn, those hurt me and made me angry. And so I no longer wanted anything to do with that relationship. And that's the perfect example of relationships being broken based on ineffective communication.
Now, if people are hurt or angry or whatever, have a disagreement, whatever, I am respectful of that. I am not the type of person to, you know, just wipe my hands clean if someone disagrees with me. But I don't really tolerate disrespect. I don't really tolerate saying inappropriate things or anything like that. And so that really was the end of what I thought was a really good friendship.
Like I said, that really is an example of what is at stake for lack of good communication skills. So just keep that in mind now in my last podcast episode I shared. Briefly, a story about me and my husband and a conversation that we had, which essentially came down to him communicating, feeling like his needs in our marriage were not being met. He felt like I have been so busy and I just really haven't had the time that I normally do or that I normally invest in our marriage to commit to him. And so because he effectively was able to communicate that with me, I actually scheduled a date night for the two of us and I made it special. I made it a surprise and found a sitter for the kids and everything like that.
If he had not done that, if he had not effectively communicated that and he went about it in such a good way, but if he had not done that, I would not have in return realize that he is feeling like a little left out and, you know, like he's feeling a little less important in our marriage than what he has felt in the past. I would have never realized that we would have never went on this incredible date. We played mini golf. I'm pretty sure I beat him, but he may tell a different story because he was playing one handed for most of the time, but we would have never come together and figured out how to meet those needs in his relationships or those expectations, as I talked about in my last episode.
That's another example of how important it is to communicate. You have to communicate the things that you're feeling, the things that you are needing, the things that you're wanting. You have to communicate your story, your history, who you are and where you want to go in life. To others, this helps build relationships. This helps get you to where you want to be. This helps with jobs. This helps with so much in your life. I think at this point I am really beating a dead horse at this point by saying that you need to know how to communicate and your life because it truly plays a factor in every aspect of your life. And honestly, the benefits of effective communication are endless. It can be anything from a healthy relationship. Having your needs and your once met, whether those are mental or physical, it can be helping others understand your inner outer world or vice versa, and you understand their inner and outer world. It can literally come down to being as relevant and as important to giving you peace and satisfaction in life, all by knowing how to effectively communicate.
So I want to share a few of my effective communication tips and tricks with you now that are so simple, you'll wonder why you haven't been implementing them already if you're not and show you how easy it is to work on communicating effectively moving forward.
EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION TIP #1
Now, my very first tip is one of those things that is definitely easier said than done and just bear with me as we barrel through it. But it is honesty. You have to be honest with yourself and you have to be honest with others. So if you are feeling a certain way, if there is something that you want, whether it is a promotion, a pay raise, a, you know, more quality time with your significant other like my husband was communicating with me. Whatever it is, you have to be honest with yourself, and then you need to realize and figure out an effective way to communicate that with the other person involved or with the other people around you. And honesty is a really hard thing to grasp because sometimes honesty or we feel that honesty isn't always the best policy. It's not always going to get us where we want to go or what we're wanting in a relationship. And we feel like maybe we're going to hurt the other person's feelings or, you know, we're going to be too outspoken or too abrasive, whatever it is.
But we need to be honest and really, it's not a matter of what it is that you want or what it is that you're trying to say. It all comes down to how you say it. So how you deliver that feeling or that desire for a pay raise. It's not the abrasiveness or the outspokenness. That's not what leads to those things. That's not what leads to being too you know, insulting is a great one. We'll use insulting as a word. It's not what you say. It is how you say it. And that's where effective communication comes into play. So whatever it is that you're conjuring up in your mind right now about what you want to be honest about, what you want to learn, how to effectively communicate, think about the delivery, think about the ears that it is going to fall on. How are people going to perceive what you're saying? How will it come across. Are you are being too abrupt, if you are being rude in your delivery and what you're saying, yes, people will feel like you are being too aggressive or they will feel like you are, you know, being insulting. So really take all of that into consideration when you're trying to deliver your honesty, you want to deliver everything that you say with the most tact and the most grace that you possibly can. And your delivery will be so much better received when you are using those tactics rather than just being blunt, rather than just not having a filter and blurting out whatever it is in your mind.
EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION TIP #2
The second tip that I'm going to share with you is using I statements, and this is something that I learned when Nick and I were in couples counseling. Actually, they really honed that in on us. We need to use I statements instead of used statements. So, for example, if my husband is doing something and I find it extremely annoying, I'm going to say “I find it really hard to listen to or to watch you do X, Y or Z” instead of saying “when you do that, it's really freaking annoying to me.” You need to stop it. Do you see the difference in how that's going to be delivered, how that's going to be perceived by my husband? When I say “I” I'm talking about me. I'm not making accusations about him. I'm not pointing the finger or placing blame. It is much more about me. And so people are more likely to be less defensive and things like that. So focus on the statements instead of the you statements.
EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION TIP #3
And the third tip that I'm going to share, and this is probably the most important one out of any of the ones that I'm sharing with you. It's the last one, but it's the most important out of the three by far, and that is avoid speaking in the midst of extreme negative emotions. Sometimes it is better to be silent and to get yourself and your thoughts together before you speak, then to just come up with something that is completely irrational or just off the cuff because you are angry, because you are sad or whatever that extreme negative emotion may be. When you are doing this, you are being more reactive to a scenario or to a situation or in a conversation. It's not going to benefit you in any possible way to say something deliberately, just to hurt someone else, just to express your anger or your frustrations or your emotions in a very bold way, I guess is a good word for that.
So take that into consideration. Figure out how you can be less reactive in your statements and your responses and things like that. If you get a really shitty email from someone, take your time to respond to it. You don't need to respond to it right away. You don't need to sit there and go to town on your keyboard with all of the angry words that you have for that person. The same is true for face to face conversations. There have been so many times that I have literally had to walk away from my husband because what I want to say and response to him is not productive or constructive or positive by any means, so I will literally walk away from the conversation until I have collected my thoughts, until I pulled together what I want to say.
And I make sure that it is a statement that is going to be productive. It is going to move the conversation forward. It is not going to turn into some back and forth tennis match of, you know, angry words or whatever your case may be. I know you know what I'm talking about, because us women, we are very reactive. And if you say the wrong thing to us, we immediately want to retaliate with something witty, something clever, and that really doesn't do us any good. It doesn't do any sort of justice to any stretch.
So take all of this into consideration. Take these three tips into consideration. And whether you're practicing them one at a time in your communication with others or whether you are implementing them all at once, which, hey, more power to you, go big or go home, just make sure that you are working towards implementing them in your life, in your communication and learning how to be an effective communicator. You want to speak your mind, you want to speak clearly, and you want to make sure that the words that you are saying are intentional, they are grateful. They're not here to bring anyone down or say anything negative, and they are productive in getting your point across and moving the conversation forward.
Those are my three tips for effective communication. I hope that this has helped you. If you are like me, you may still have slip-ups from time to time. Don't get me wrong, because I do, it's easy to get defensive and to be reactive and things like that. So just do what you can to work towards becoming an effective communicator. I promise you will see so many changes in your relationships, in your job, in so many aspects of your life. And you will really come to find that peace and that satisfaction because you are effectively communicating the things that you need or that you want in life and that you need or you want from the people in your life. It is a very important life skill. I don't know if I can say that anymore.
It is so important and I honor you for just showing up here with me today, taking the time to listen in and really working on becoming the very best version of yourself. If you haven't already subscribe to my podcasts, I hope that you will do so. I look forward to hanging out with you on my next episode next week.
