The Beer Engine

It’s over. The bubbles have settled. The Fruit War is done.

This week, we break down the final results of the Seltzer Bracket in all their sticky, citrus-stained glory. 44 flavors entered. Only one remained standing — and it might surprise you. Was it a refreshing underdog? A nostalgic juggernaut? Or a mango-tinted fever dream from the depths of the convenience store fridge?

Tony and Griff walk you through each region of the “Flavor Personality Party”:

• 🍋 Bright & Zesty — where citrus ruled and kiwi died trying
• 🍑 Sweet & Juicy — the dessert aisle meets a heatwave
• 🌿 Bold & Complex — where lavender got weird and tamarind got weirder
• 🧃 Nostalgic & Classic — soda-inspired chaos and childhood trauma in a can

We revisit some of the biggest upsets, controversial matchups, and questionable judging decisions (Griff defends “Papaya Punch” like it owes him money), and name the Ultimate Champion of Fizzy Regret.

Also in this episode:

– Tony delivers a eulogy for “Strawberry Vanilla”

– Griff invents the concept of “seltzer terroir” and immediately regrets it

– The boys debate whether anything with “Sunny D” in the name should be legal

– Listener feedback: Who hurt you, Quirk?

Drink pairing: Mighty Swell – Blood Orange, if you want to taste victory.

Listener homework: Make your own bracket at home and then immediately throw it out in disgust.

Damn, it is just so good being a Meadcaster. What’s great about it you ask: 1) every beverage I enjoy is one of the highest rated beverages on the planet. B) Beer people are jealous of me for my uncontroversially delicious honey booze. And 3) They just invented these automatic insulin pumps which really keep the tingling in my feet to a minimum. Tony had to guess the ratings on 5 meads and gang, it was a struggle. We also remembered the life and times of Hulk Boingo and Dan Hogan (RIP), and reminisced about our trips to the big city last weekend. Also, the highlight of the conversation: mergers & acquisitions baby, we love them!!!

Grab your weirdest fruit puree and pour one out for your dignity—this week, we say goodbye to the Seltzer Bracket in true Beer Engine fashion: with a burp, a rant, and a few questionable decisions.

Tony returns with sticky hands and suspicious cans after a hard-fought bracket finale, while Griff does his best to pretend this is a serious podcast. We crown a champion (spoiler: it’s not your palate), reflect on what we’ve learned (spoiler: nothing), and question the state of “craft” in a world full of glitter and guava foam.

Also in this episode:

– A Seltzer Hall of Shame induction

– Griff’s unsolicited thoughts on carbonation levels

– Tony’s plan for a hard kombucha deathmatch

– A quick detour into macro nostalgia and malt liquor futures

– Plus: Is this the last waltz… or just the intermission?

It’s bubbly. It’s dumb. It’s exactly what you need in your ears right now.

Drink pairing: Whatever’s cold, vaguely citrusy, and legally considered alcohol.

Listener challenge: Guess how many times Tony says “it’s not that bad” in one episode.

Gosh it's been so long since we recorded I nearly forgot to write show notes. My goodness what a shame that would have been. Well, we were back at it today in the midst of a lot going on! The final AF1 update of the week, and definitely not the last pizza group, discord, news segments and whatever else it is we do. They are all back! Also, Untappd screws me big time. Ok see ya!

This is what our discourse has come to in this country. Can we not have a CiViLiZeD dEbAtE?!?! Can we not call our leaders “perverts” and “freaks” and “psychos?” Can we not espouse wild conspiracy theories? Can we stop having to TIP these TEENAGERS who make our PIZZAS for $5 an hour?! Which is not enough to buy 1/3rd of a beer from Inter Miami? Huh?! 

Anyways we did pizza group and some other stuff and went on and on about whatever. Enjoy!!

Description:

This week on the Beer Engine, Griff and Tony stumble into another hour of beer-soaked banter, featuring everything from crispy bois to questionable adjunct choices. We dive into the ongoing lager renaissance, ask whether cold IPA is a scam, and offer unsolicited advice to macro brewers who’ll never listen.

Also on tap:

• Griff tries not to cry while reviewing another West Coast IPA made with fruit loops.
• Tony explains why pickle seltzers are a war crime.
• The boys react to Untappd reviews like they’re courtroom testimony.
• Plus: a surprise tasting of a beer that may or may not contain actual pastry.

Beer Shouts:

A few brews we cracked during the episode:

• [Brewery Name] – [Beer Name]
• [Brewery Name] – [Beer Name]
• (And something in a can that looked suspiciously like paint thinner.)

Links & Extras:

• [Patreon link if applicable]
• Follow us on Instagram: @beerenginepod
• Leave us a voicemail or send us hate mail at: [email protected]
• Join the Discord: [link]

Timestamps:

00:00 – Cold Open & Beers of the Week

12:45 – Crispy Lager Talk

25:30 – Griff’s Hop Rant of the Week™

38:10 – Weird Beers & Untappd Drama

55:00 – Listener Qs & Outro

Dare I say, some of our best beer conversation and the most psychotic pizza group posts combined in a single episode ever?? Maybe, but it leads off with some of America and Australia’s favorite NBA, AFL, AF1 and Colorado politics conversation. Tony finally has some success in a game which was a real Caribou Slobber Knocker. I’m dreading leaving this room because I just know that SOMEONE is watching the show about Mormon Wives that drink 10  “Dirty Dr. Peppers” a day then go swing. It’s propaganda everyone! Don’t watch it!

In Germany the Subway bread is GOOD. Griff is back from a long break and the guys are running through the important info for beer drinkers that follow the “Great Griff Trail.” Hey, check out the slideshow on the Discord!! Kolsch, Orvals, lambics, $25 stout, it’s all covered here. It’s the beer-lovers fantasy - “yeah sure, I can have the best beers in the world for $5 but screw that! I want to pay MORE for SUGAR. Also, the real Pizza Pope has come to power and is controlling our lives. That’s good enough for today, hey, I gotta keep going to work ova heah!!!

Ahhhhhh the French champagne!!! No, I don’t have to do an Orson Welles bit, and we didn’t even talk about the guy this week, but I had been watching those outtakes from the Paul Merson wine ads. They are great, you should check them out. Today is our last show for a few weeks, so we ran the gamut of all the things our fans love - kickass lagers from the STORE, the world’s finest football, Pope-talk, and of course, reading awards that people won and making a lazy-ass game out of it. It’s yet another Beer Engine, the last for a few weeks, so get your fill, gang. Just join our Discord or follow us on Untappd if you need a quick key bump of Beer Engine over the next few weeks -it’s fun!

What is it like being in a game where you are losing 79-0, or it ends 100-12? What’s it like being in the AF1, your floundering sponsorship from the Hulkster holding you hostage, forcing you to watch your team get obliterated by a QB who completes 10 passes, 7 for touchdowns, for a robust 110 yards? Do you look at everything that led you to this moment: the tears on the HS practice field, the brutal Summer training sessions in college, the letdowns on practice squads with the NFL, the XFL, the UFL? Now you’re here on the field for the East Kansas Pork Butts and you’re losing by 100 points. Where did it go wrong? You fell into that well that one time and hit your head and discovered a bunch of 70s porno mags. Maybe that was it? It was after you’d done really bad at figuring out the Untappd ratings for a bunch of grocery store beers or something? Maybe that was the moment. But now you’re in the locker room of the Buttman Arena and no one is there to interview you after the game. A gen AI model  generates some quotes that you didn’t say and slaps them into a shitty article by a fake man named Lyle Biscuit. This is America in 2025 - enjoy the Beer Engine Podcast.