While wandering around aimlessly in the desert, Moses suddenly got really angry about how people were fucking and decided to put an end to it.

He suddenly decided that among a lot of other things, incest was no longer allowed, nor was male-on-male fucking, nor was sacrificing your grandchildren to this other god named Malek or Moloch.

He also decided that the penalty for most of these crimes should be that people just throw rocks at you until you die. So... murder was back on the table! 

Moses keeps on cranking out the rules. Some are good logical rules, like, "Don't eat rotting flesh you find in the wildness." Some are super sexist, like, "If you give birth to a girl, you're unclean twice as long as if you give birth to a boy" & "After your period ends, you have to murder a pigeon to atone for the sin of having your period." Some of them are just plain wacky, like, "After your rash goes away, shave all the hair off your body and sleep outside for a week. Then kill a few animals."

This episode is the first part of Leviticus! Unfortunately, the majority of Leviticus is jut super pedantic rules listed over and over and over, but luckily there's some thrilling stories in here! Like the time God killed Aaron's two oldest sons for no reason and Moses wouldn't allow Aaron's family to mourn them! Or the time Moses started a fire and it burned an animal! Exciting stuff!

While Moses is up on the mountain talking to an increasingly insane God, the Israelites decide that they've been abandoned and decide to create a new, chiller god to worship. Aaron takes all of their golden earrings and, through the skills he apparently had as a gold smith, created a pure gold statue of a calf. The Israelites enjoyed this new God who didn't give them rules or kill them for no reason and decided to have a free for all feast and fuck fest to celebrate.

What happened next? Well, you'll have to give it a listen! But you know how God and Moses feel about fun...

This also closes out the book of Exodus.

God couldn't seem to stop giving commandments and starting making all kinds of rules about when it's okay to kill someone (quite often, as it turns out), when you need to make a human sacrifice to him (yep! It's in there!), and what happens when you dig a hole and a donkey falls in that hole. Relevant stuff.

He also commissions a couple fancy things built for himself, one being the gold plated Ark of the Covenant and the other being the fabulous Tabernacle. A couple of tall orders for a bunch of just recently freed slaves...

After they wander in the desert for a while, they come across Mount Sinai and decide to make camp at the base of the mountain. God, being a physical being apparently, decided to camp out on the top of the mountain... but only Moses was allowed to visit him. While up here, God gave Moses ten commandments for everyone to follow... and then he gave him a bunch more.

As all the Israelites celebrated the drowning of thousands and thousands of soldiers, whose corpses were washing up on the shores, Moses and his sister Miriam wrote a hit song. And then things took a turn for the worse. 

Anyone with Google, could see that the journey from the eastern shores of the Red Sea to Israel, would take maybe 200 hours at most, turned into a much longer journey. They would go days without food or water and start mentioning to their leader that they need food and water to survive and he would get angry at them because he wasn't a very good leader.

Luckily, God gave them some mystery food that came with conditions, as everything does with him, and Moses would hit rocks with his stick... which somehow produced water.

This episode ends with Moses' father-in-law, Jethro, coming out and giving Moses advice on having a multi-tiered court system.

After God murdered every first born male in Egypt, Pharaoh decided he had had enough. He summoned Moses and Aaron and told them to get the fuck out of Egypt. Moses quickly went and dug up Joseph's bones for some reason and led the 600,000 men and unspecified amount of women and children out of Egypt.

On the way out, he gave them more rules to follow along with giving them the go ahead to totally have slaves of their own. They followed a pillar of cloud in the day and a pillar of fire at night until they got to the shores of the Red Sea.

At this time, God decided to go and fuck with free will again, hardening Pharaoh and his top officials' hearts until they forgot all the horrible things that had just happened and decided to go bring the Israelites back by force. He loaded up his best chariots and all of his foot soldiers and raided the Israelite Camp on the shores of the Red Sea.

God came down and blew out of his nostril, apparently, a wind that was so strong it created a path through the Red Sea, which is 200 miles across and 1,500 feet deep. The million+ Israelites walked across the sea floor with walls of water the height of the Willis Tower on either side of them. They walked the full 200 miles across.

The Egyptian military decided to follow them, but God started making their chariots get stuck in the sea floor... or gravity did that... whatever. So the Egyptians tried to retreat. As soon as the last Israelite was out of the sea tunnel, God let it close, drowning the entire military of Egypt in the process.

After God continued to fuck with freewill by making Pharaoh unable to care, not only for the Hebrews who wanted to be free, but also his own people, God continued to punish him with more plagues.

First came boils, then hail, then locusts, then darkness, until finally he decided to straight up murder every first born son in Egypt. The Hebrews who wanted to avoid losing their first born sons had to do a crazy ritual involving slaughtering a lamb and spreading its blood on the doorframe. 

Moses and Aaron bring out the big guns on Pharaoh while making their demands. Aaron turns his staff into a snake. Moses turns all the water in Egypt into blood, plagues the land with frogs, gnats, and flies, and then kills all the Egyptian livestock.