While Moses is chatting with this burning plant that's apparently God in disguise, he learns a couple of neat tricks, like turning his walking stick into a snake and getting leprosy. He argues that even with these neat tricks, he still can't be the one that stands up to the Pharaoh (who was arguably the most powerful person in the world at that time) so God finally decides that Moses and his brother Aaron can go together. Aaron being Moses' little brother who also somehow escaped infanticide and all that.

While en route to Egypt, God randomly decides to kill Moses for no reason whatsoever. Luckily Zipporah quickly carved up her son's dick and put some of the bloody dick on Moses' foot. This made God back down.

Upon arrival in Egypt, Moses and Aaron confront the Pharaoh and only succeed in him making the Hebrew lives even worse. 

A few generations after Joseph died, the Egyptians got really tired of the Hebrews being around. Instead of telling them to leave, they decided to force them into slavery... which didn't really solve the issue of them... still being there. 

Well Pharaoh decided the best course of action was to start tossing Hebrew babies into their only fresh water source and wait until the problem just handled itself. One lady decided she wouldn't let them throw her baby into the Nile and instead made him a little boat out of a basket and some tar. When she let him go into the river, he coincidentally washed up to where Pharaoh's daughter was bathing (and apparently dodging floating dead babies left and right.) She took him out of the water and raised him as her own son; naming him Moses (a derivative of the Hebrew word for "draw out." Why did an Egyptian woman give her new son a Hebrew name? I don't know, but most likely because this story is made up.

When Moses found out that he was of Hebrew descent, he randomly beat an Egyptian slave master to death and got the fuck out of town. While on the run, he met a cool little Bedouin named Jethro and married his oldest daughter.

Finally a bush caught on fire and told Moses to take his shoes off and go liberate the Hebrew slaves. This was either the Lord God Almighty... or just Moses being insane. Either way, it convinced him to go and do it.

Israel and his 11 non-royal sons settle into the Ramses District of Egypt, named after Ramses who lived ~500 years after this story takes place. Israel meets Pharaoh and then nothing happens for 17 years. Finally Israel dies at the ripe old age of 147, but not before he sings a long song for his sons, cursing some, blessing some, and just saying weird nonsensical shit to others. After he dies, Joseph dies and the Book of Genesis comes to an end!

After their food runs out, Judah convinces Israel to let them bring Israel's youngest son (and last surviving child of Rachel) down to Egypt. Israel begrudgingly agrees. Joseph frames the youngest son for stealing his favorite goblet and threatens to enslave all of his brothers. Well, he can't keep a straight face and cries and cries and cries and suddenly the whole Israel tribe lives in Egypt now.

While in prison for attempted rape Joseph starts making friends, namely the warden and Pharaoh's cup-bearer. Somehow he interprets dreams all of a sudden and is able to predict an upcoming famine in Egypt and the surrounding area. Pharaoh is so impressed that he makes Joseph the second most powerful man in Egypt. Does Joseph use his new found power to fuck with his brothers who once sold him into slavery? You're goddamn right he does!

Joseph keeps talking shit to his 11 brothers until they finally beat him half to death, hogtie him, throw him in a cistern, and sell him into slavery. Onan pulls out instead of coming inside his brother's wife, so God straight up murders him on the spot. Judah accidentally knocks up his daughter-in-law... oops! 

Jacob returns to his homeland with his 12 children, 2 wives, slaves, and livestock in tow. He literally wrestles with God for hours and hours and fucking wins. He changes his name to Israel and his kid fucks one of his sex slaves. Oh... and some warlord's kid rapes his daughter. Listen and see how that worked out! Spoiler alert, everyone gets brutally murdered.

Drama heats up between Jacob's cousin wives and they start cranking children out and throwing sex slaves at him until all of a sudden he has twelve fucking children! After the birth of his youngest, Joseph, Jacob decides to get out of town. After a long con pays off that gives him all the best livestock, he flees... not very far away and Laban finds him easily. The two get drunk and make a truce and Jacob murders a baby animal.

Jacob (AKA Heel Grabber) pulls a weird swindle on his blind father by throwing goat skin on his arms and receiving his very stupid father's blessing reserved for his slightly older brother, Hairy. When Hairy discovers this, Old Heel Grabber runs off to hide out with their Uncle Laban, where he fell in love with his sexy cousin. After working for 7 goddamn years without pay in exchange for his sexy cousin's hand in marriage, Uncle Laban pulls a switcheroo and gives Ol' Grabbin' Heel his ugly daughter instead. Through a full wedding, night of passionate fucking, and every other thing that happened, he doesn't notice this once. The following morning he confronts his Uncle Laban, who tells him to dutifully fuck his ugly daughter for a week, and then he can marry his sexy cousin... and also in exchange for 7 more years of unpaid labor. Old Heel Grabbin' Jake reluctantly agrees, and some might say... got what he fucking deserved? 

As soon as Isaac was born and had his dick carved up, Sarah made sure that her slave and Abraham's first born son (that he raped into the slave) would be banished off into the desert. After almost being murdered by his father for no reason whatsoever, Isaac married a cousin of his and together they had twins. The first one was allegedly completely covered in hair from head to toe, so the named him "Hairy"; the second one grabbed Hairy's heel, so they named him "Heel Grabber." The adventures begin.