The Bigger Picture

Join me for an in-depth interview with Suzanne Venker as we explore her latest book 'How to Build a Better Life.' We discuss the pitfalls of modern dating, the essential role of motherhood, and why a fulfilling life often means going against the grain. Suzanne shares her insights on why women shouldn’t chase men, the importance of dating with purpose, and why careers might not be the ultimate path to happiness.We also tackle the controversial topic of casual sex and delve into the fundamental differences between men and women. This episode is packed with wisdom for anyone looking to redefine what it means to live a successful life! 🚀💫

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thebiggerpicturepod.substack.com

In today's episode, I spoke with Nir Boms, a research fellow of the Moshe Dayan Center specializing in Middle Eastern policy and counter-terrorism.

We spoke about:

* The tragic events of October 7th

* The Abraham Accords & progress with Saudi Arabia

* Iran's role in instigating terrorism

* Deradicalization of Palestinians

* The Jewish legacy of hope and praying for peace

* A hopeful vision for a peaceful Middle East

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thebiggerpicturepod.substack.com

In today's episode, I spoke with Helen Joyce, journalist and author of 'Trans: When Ideology Meets Reality'.

We dove into the transgender debate, uncovering key elements of the trans ideology and the harmful effects of gender affirmative care.

Here are some key points we discussed:

1. Gender identity vs. biological sex: What each means and why they're not the same.

2. Origin of the term 'gender': Exploring where the term came from, why it's useful, and where it allows us to distort our biological reality.

3. Paradox of gender stereotypes: How trans individuals embody stereotypes while claiming gender isn't binary.

4. Abstract vs. concrete: The Jungian idea that it is dangerous to turn what is symbolic into the concrete.

5. Gender clinics: The harmful practices of gender specialists and the slippery slope of puberty blockers, hormones, and invasive surgeries.

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6. Parents are terrorized: Parents are told that their child will commit suicide if the parent does not affirm their child's preferred genders.

7. Types of transgender: Exploring androphilia and autogynephilia among men, and rapid-onset gender dysphoria and social contagion among teenage girls.

8. Social media's effect on girls: Platforms like TikTok, Instagram, and Tumblr are spreading trans ideology to vulnerable teenage girls. *

9. Fan Fiction Trend: The new trend of erotic fan fiction written by teenage girls for teenage girls, with romantic love stories between male characters from popular books (think a romance story between Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter!)

10. Trans rights vs. women's rights: Men identifying as trans women are impinging on women's sports and endangering women in prisons.

Let me know your thoughts in the comments below 💭

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This episode was recorded on February 22nd, 2024.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thebiggerpicturepod.substack.com

In today's episode, I dive deep into the fascinating world of Internal Family Systems (IFS) with returning guest Seth Allison.

We explore Richard Schwartz's groundbreaking book "No Bad Parts," tracing the history and development of IFS, particularly its origins with eating disordered patients, and the paradigm shift it introduces away from a mono-mind approach.

We delve into the core components of IFS, exploring the distinct roles of Exiles, Firefighters, and Protectors. According to IFS - there are no bad parts, only bad roles. To make it more personal, I share my initial encounter with IFS and the profound impact it had on me.

Join me as Seth Allison guides me through an insightful IFS session, as I meet and interact with an internal Protector.

If you're curious about unlocking the mysteries of your inner world and understanding the dynamics of Internal Family Systems, this episode is a must-watch! Don't forget to like, subscribe, and share your thoughts in the comments below. Let's embark on this journey of self-discovery together!

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thebiggerpicturepod.substack.com

In today's episode, I spoke with Bettina Arndt, delving into the often-overlooked issue of an anti-male culture shaped by evolving feminist dynamics since the 1960s.

* Anti-Men Culture: Explore how empowering women inadvertently led to an anti-male philosophy, leaving some men feeling powerless in a system stacked against them.

* Sex in Marriage: Drawing from her book "Sex Diaries", Bettina shared the secrets of couples who maintain vital sex lives, and the more frequent issue of sex-starved husbands and the emotional toll.

* Toxic Femininity: We spoke about Bettina's popular "Politics of Cleavage" video, where she discusses the power of female sexuality, and how women should use this power wisely - instead of making men feel like creeps.

Share your thoughts in the comments below and continue the conversation. I love hearing from you! 💬

Bettina Arndt is a rare public voice speaking on behalf of men – and the women who love them. This respected social commentator is renowned for tackling unmentionable topics. A former clinical psychologist and one of Australia’s first sex therapists, she first became well-known for breaking down taboos about talking about sex. She now writes an influential blog on Substack denouncing feminism and advocating for men’s rights, as well as providing support for falsely accused men on campuses and elsewhere.

For more of Bettina’s work:

* Sex Diaries: Why Women Go Off Sex and Other Bedroom Battles

* #MenToo

* Bettina's Substack

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thebiggerpicturepod.substack.com

In today's episode, I spoke with Leonard Sax about his book 'Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men'.

Leonard Sax is an American psychologist and a practicing family physician. He is best known as the author of four books for parents: Boys Adrift, Girls on the Edge, Why Gender Matters, and the Collapse of Parenting.

Highlights

* 00:00 Intro

* 6:52 Factor 1: Schools

* 23:27 Motivation & Personality

* 33:52 Factor 2: Video Games

* 41:40 Roni's World of Warcraft Days

* 53:07 Factor 3: ADHD Meds

* 1:06:44 Factor 4: Endocrine Disruptors

* 1:13:37 Factor 5: Male Role Models

* 1:21:32 Don't Let Toxic Pop Culture Raise Your Children

* 1:23:55 Where You Can Find Leonard's Work

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thebiggerpicturepod.substack.com

In today’s episode, I spoke with Seth Allison, a licensed clinical professional counselor and founder of the Grow Collective, a growth-focused collective of psychologists. We spoke about his latest conversation with John Vervaeke and the unique perspectives he shared there about attachment and relationality.

We dove into attachment theory, how humans are built for connection, and the visceral experience of being loved and seen by an intimate other. Seth has a very nuanced perspective on attachment, and we explored what happens when the early attachment relationship between parent and child is disrupted, and whether we should regard our attachment style as a lifetime diagnosis.

We spoke about monogamy, Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, and why conflicts between couples tend to be so explosive. We explored Sue’s idea of primary and secondary emotions, and how in most fights, we often use anger to mask how terrified we are of being abandoned by our partner.

Towards the end of our conversation, we spoke about intergenerational trauma, how insecure attachment is often passed down from generation to generation, and what we need to do to break the cycle. We discussed the role of warfare in the perpetuation of insecure attachment and I shared my newfound understanding of grief. Ultimately, the price of love and attachment is the pain and grief of loss.

I hope you enjoy this episode. Seth and I will be recording another episode where we plan on exploring Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Jung.

Let us know in the comments below if there are any questions you’d like us to answer in the next episode 💬

Seth is an attachment-based therapist, working with adults, couples, and families. For more information about Seth’s work and the Grow Collective, click here.

00:00 Intro & Seth’s Background

9:55 Humans Are Built for Connection

11:10 fMRI Study: Love Makes The World Less Painful

18:29 Are We Built for Monogamy?

22:38 Do Relationship Promote or Stifle Personal Growth?

30:14 Are Attachment Styles Real?

35:03 Attachment Parenting is Not Gentle Parenting

42:13 Changing Your Attachment Style through Relationship

48:40 EFT Couples Therapy & Why Fights Get So Intense

56:31 Secure Attachment Can Heal Intergenerational Trauma

59:58 Does Intergenerational Trauma Stem from War?

1:05:12 “I didn’t understand grief until I was married”

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thebiggerpicturepod.substack.com

In today's episode, I spoke with Barbara Oakley about her work on pathological altruism and the dark side of empathy. Our discussion began by delving into Barbara's unique background and experiences, gaining valuable insights into her journey.

As the conversation unfolded, we addressed society's blindspot for pathological altruism, unraveling the Christian roots at the heart of our assumption that empathy for the weak and victimized is always good. The darker facets of empathy took center stage as we explored its potential for destructiveness in contexts such as codependency and abusive relationships. Our exploration extended to the cultural nuances surrounding altruism, shedding light on how its definition can significantly vary across diverse societies.

A focal point of our conversation was the vulnerability of highly agreeable individuals, particularly women, and their susceptibility to the influence of narcissistic personalities. We examined the potential harm in advising highly agreeable individuals to be more empathetic, since such a message can have a reinforcing effect on their self-sacrificing tendencies. Instead, agreeable people should be taught and encouraged to create healthy boundaries between themselves and others - boundaries that allow them to empathize with others without overidentifying and becoming consumed by others' feelings. We explored how Simon Baron Cohen's 'Empathizing - Systemizing' spectrum can be used to understand the characteristics of a hyper-empathizing brain type.

Our conversation extended to the influence of universities on ideologies, where we explored the promotion of Marxism, victimhood, and a pressure to conform to a perception of niceness. We also mentioned the overemphasis on teamwork in universities and its potential exploitation to the detriment of individual growth.

Lastly, we visited Ayn Rand's important work in warning the world of the dangers of socialism and misplaced altruism. Barbara shared some surprising facts about Ayn Rand's individualistic personality, which no doubt gave her the strength to speak out against the Soviet Union. We explored Ayn Rand's idea of selfishness and how a more expansive definition of the self can be used to integrate her philosophy with values such as relationships, family, and community.

I hope you enjoy this episode. Do let me know what you think about the dark side of empathy and agreeableness. Can you relate? Share your thoughts in the comments below. 💬

Barbara Ann Oakley is an American professor of engineering at Oakland University and McMaster University whose online courses on learning are some of the most popular massive open online course classes in the world. She is involved in multiple areas of research, ranging from behavioral science and STEM education, to learning practices.

🔗 Barbara's Website

Check out her books below:

📚 Cold Blooded Kindness

📚 Pathological Altruism

📚 Evil Genes

📚 Mindshift

00:00 Intro & Barbara's Journey

7:09 Why We Have a Blindspot for Pathological Altruism

8:35 Battered-Wives, Codependency, & When Empathy Turns Destructive

9:46 The Definition of Altruism Varies Across Cultures

11:46 Highly Agreeable Women Fall Prey to Narcissistic Men

17:41 Telling a Highly Agreeable Person to Be More Empathetic Can Be Harmful

19:34 Simon Baron Cohen's 'Empathizing - Systemizing' Spectrum

22:40 Why Empathy Isn't Always Good & When to Emotionally Disconnect

26:54 Healthy Balance Between Self-Interest & Empathizing w/ Others

29:14 Teamwork is Overemphasized & Taken Advantage of in Universities

31:18 Universities Push Marxism, Victimhood, & Always Being 'Nice'

32:06 Balancing Self & Other: What Did Ayn Rand Mean By Self Interest?

35:25 Marxism Doesn't Take Narcissists Into Account

37:55 Ayn Rand's Personality Gave Her Strength to Speak Out

40:31 Evidence that Ayn Rand Had a Narcissistic Personality Disorder

43:41 More Expansive Definition of Self: Me & Mine

44:18 Marxist Axioms: Selflessness is Good & We Can Change Human Nature

45:15 Case Study: Humanitarian Aid to Palestine Used for Terrorism

47:39 Confirmation Bias & Siding w/ the Underdog

50:06 Karl Popper's "Paradox of Tolerance"

51:53 Some People Care More About *Appearing* Good & Moral

54:19 Narcissists Like to Stick Together

55:16 Jordan Peterson's Research on Left-Wing Authoritarianism

56:24 How Do We Learn?

58:16 Practicing Is Good For Learning

1:00:23 Two Brain Networks & Modes of Thinking

1:02:02 Tedious Practice Can Lead to Mastery & Creativity

1:04:06 Applying These Strategies at Work & The Pomodoro Technique

1:07:30 Taking Breaks Increases Productivity & Insights

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thebiggerpicturepod.substack.com

In today's episode, I spoke with Erica Komisar about her best-selling book 'Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters'. We started with a quick mention of Erica's recent speech at the Alliance for Responsible Citizenship (ARC) Conference organized by Jordan Peterson, where she spoke about the importance of a mother's love, presence, and emotional attunement in the first three years of a child's life.

Erica brought us into her world of attachment, child development, and psychoanalysis, and she explained why the maternal instinct is not 'a ploy devised by the patriarchy to keep women at home' - rather it is an ancient, in-built biological system, common to all mammals. Human babies are born especially vulnerable compared to other mammals, and they rely on their mother for moment-to-moment emotion regulation. Erica explained how the early attachment relationship between mother and baby affects that child's future attachment security, emotional resilience, and social skills.

We spoke about the negative consequences that daycare can have on children's mental and physical health, and why we need to rethink the way we look at daycare - in terms of the length of time a child spends each day in daycare and the age at which they begin. For example, children who went to daycare were shown to have elevated levels of salivary cortisol, a biomarker for stress, that's correlated with the development of diseases of inflammation later on. Erica explains how a toddler's aggressive behavior or constant acting out is often their fight-or-flight response to the overwhelming stress of being disconnected from their mothers for extended periods of time.

We discussed the difficulties of postpartum depression, how it is often related to a woman being emotionally disconnected and uninterested in her baby, and why so many women are suffering from postpartum depression these days.

We also gave a shout out to dads, highlighting the tremendous role that a father has in his child's development. We spoke about how mothers and fathers parent differently, why these differences are important, and why both roles are necessary. For instance - fathers are especially important for regulating a child's aggression, enforcing boundaries, and facilitating the child's gradual separation from the mother through rough-and-tumble play.

Lastly, we spoke about the important achievements of second wave feminism - and where we each thought the movement went wrong. We discussed the paradox of a feminist movement that fought for women's right to be just like men - while devaluing femininity as such. Erica and I hope to see the pendulum swing back into a more balanced direction! One where women can have it all, just in different ways at different times.

I would love to hear your thoughts on the topics we raised today - did you agree or disagree? Do you have any questions for Erica that you'd like us to explore in a future episode? Share your thoughts in the comments below 💬

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Erica Komisar is a licensed clinical social worker, psychoanalyst, and author of two best-selling developmental psychology books.

Check out her books below:

📚 Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters

📚 Chicken Little the Sky Isn't Falling: Raising Resilient Adolescents in the New Age of Anxiety

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00:00 Intro & Erica's ARC Conference Speech

5:00 Why Babies Need Their Mothers

14:30 Why Feminists Think the 'Maternal Instinct' is an Invention of the Patriarchy

18:12 When Mom Isn't There: Stress, Insecure Attachment, & Emotional Dysregulation

24:26 How Do I Know if Daycare is Negatively Affecting My Child?

28:01 A Toddler's Aggressive Behavior is a Fight or Flight Response

30:10 Do Children Need Daycare for the Socialization?

32:40 Genetics x Environment: Emotional Sensitivity Can Turn into Mental Illness

36:47 Causes of Postpartum Depression & Why It Takes a Village to Care for a Mother

45:02 Developing a Career Alongside Motherhood

50:30 The Important Role of Fathers

57:40 Where Feminism Went Wrong: Why Feminists are Against Motherhood

1:02:27 Should Everyone Have Children? How To Prepare for Motherhood

1:06:43 Where to Find More of Erica's Work

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thebiggerpicturepod.substack.com

In today's episode, I spoke with Prof. Robert Plomin, a leading expert in psychology and behavioral genetics, and the author of "Blueprint: How DNA Makes Us Who We Are." Through his research and best-selling book, Robert has made a strong case for the 'nature' side of the Nature vs. Nurture debate. We spoke at length about the significant role genetics play in shaping our personalities, behaviors, and preferences. It might be more than you think!

We kick off the episode exploring the misunderstood concept of heritability. Robert clarifies that heritability does not equal inevitability, shedding light on how genetic research focuses on 'what is', not 'what could be'. As we discussed the vast history of adoption and twin studies, we explored the roles that our genes and our environment have in shaping who we are. For example, adoption studies have consistently shown that adopted children had more in common with their biological parents than their adopted parents, suggesting that genes play a stronger role than the environment in shaping a child's personality and behavioral tendencies.

Robert shed light on the distinction between shared vs. non-shared environments and how individuals with distinct temperaments can shape their surroundings in quite unique ways. Even within the same family, siblings can elicit vastly different responses from their parents due to the differences in their genes and personality. We then dove into the world of personality, speaking about how genes show up in early temperament dimensions, such as a child's tendency to 'approach' or 'avoid', as well as in more developed traits such as extraversion and neuroticism.

Robert and I spoke about the research on IQ and genetics, noting the heritability and correlation of general intelligence 'g', school achievement, and other cognitive abilities. He explained the concept of 'generalist genes' and how - even though single-gene disorders do exist - more often than not genes are ‘generalists’, such that a single gene influences many traits & a single trait is often influenced by many genes.

With that in mind, we spoke about how psychopathologies are essentially extreme ends of normal personality traits. Rather than there being a 'distinct gene for schizophrenia', genetic research is showing that schizophrenia is highly correlated with the genetic roots of openness, creativity, and divergent thinking. We also spoke about how OCD can be thought of as an extreme manifestation of conscientiousness and orderliness, and ADHD can be thought of as extreme levels of activity, energy, and need for variety and movement.

For parents tuning in, we spoke at length about how this research can influence the way we parent. Robert emphasizes the importance of facilitating a child's natural development rather than molding them in a specific direction. Much of our child's personality, behaviors, and preferences are determined by their genetics. The best we can do is help them explore their innate interests and to develop their natural strengths as much as they can through practice and experience.

We finished off with DNA genotyping, polygenic scores, and services like 23andMe, Ancestry.com, and Stratagene to find out more about your own genetics.

Tune in to gain a deeper understanding of how your genetic blueprint shapes who you are. If you're curious about personality, intelligence, and the broader implications of genetic science, this episode is a must-listen. Enjoy the journey into the fascinating world of behavioral genetics with Prof. Robert Plomin.

For more insights from Prof. Plomin, check out his work, and don't forget to subscribe for future episodes!

📚 Blueprint: How DNA Makes Us Who We Are

Thank you for being part of The Bigger Picture community.

00:00 Genetics 101: What Does Heritability Actually Mean?

9:54 Twin & Adoption Studies

17:13 Genetics Matter More As We Age

19:03 Genetics Play a Big Role in IQ & Cognitive Abilities

22:10 The Race to University: We're Putting Too Much Pressure on Kids

23:47 A Message to Parents: Genes Greatly Influence Your Child's Personality!

31:46 Twin Studies & Shared vs. Non-Shared Environments

39:00 The Nature of Nurture: Our Genes Also Shape Our Environment

44:23 Provocative Observations: Bad Behavior Runs in a Family because of Genes

46:45 Novelty Seeking & Extraversion: Traits Linked with Cheating & Divorce

47:39 Personality & Genes

1:01:06 Psychopathologies are Extreme Ends of Normal Personality Traits

1:14:15 DNA Revolution: 23andMe, Ancestry.com, Stratagene, SNPs, & Polygenic Scores

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thebiggerpicturepod.substack.com