The Black Adoption Podcast

What would it look like for Black adoptees, their adoptive parents, and their birth families to be free? Free from generational trauma. Free from secrets. Free from societal expectations. Free from what can be viewed as hypocrisy from the Black church. With this freedom comes responsibility, and Black women often find themselves at a crossroads of choosing themselves and attending to the needs of others.

In this episode, Deesha Philyaw, author of The Secret Lives of Church Ladies gets as honest and vulnerable as anyone can get. After experiencing secondary infertility, she and her then husband decide against fertility treatments, and pursue an adoption journey. As she navigates the process, she reminds herself that her child is not “sitting in a cabbage patch.”  Her daughter had/has a family, and the bittersweet mixture of happiness, grief, and loss cannot be overstated.

One day, Deesha takes inventory of her life and acknowledges her own unhappiness. Deesha’s up-bringing in the Evangelical church implores her to abide by doctrine, because, “God doesn’t like divorce.” She decides NOT to play by the rules, and ultimately co-creates a healthy parenting plan (and a book!) with her ex-husband. Getting real about the complexities of adoption AND divorce, has resulted in liberated parenting.

As a bonus, we explored  The Secret Lives of Church Ladies – a beautiful homage to Black women’s stories. Deesha reminds us how telling our stories, even when they’re “messy” may release oneself from their burdens. There is power in our voices and putting pen to paper. It’s a start to engaging in our own self-discovery process where we are FREE to pursue who we are without interference.

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"I had nobody else to really give me the answers that I was looking for, so I used my faith, my prayer to navigate on this journey."  - Makayla Brown, Black, Same Race Adoptee + Host, Adopted but Identified

When you know who you are in your adoptive family and who you are in your biological family, how do you merge the two and still be YOU? Makayla Brown answered this question by being exactly who God created her to be. 

Rooted in her family's Christian upbringing, Makayla found God for herself and developed a personal relationship by talking to God through the letters she wrote in her prayer journal. She consistently wrote her intentions to one day find her first family, and those letters manifested into the sweetest 16th birthday gift of reconnecting with them.

Makayla's mother supported her search and reunion from the beginning with a literal open book and open door to ask questions. Without the burdens of secrecy, stigma and shame, Makayla's heart and mind were open to receive her "new" family. But, were they ready to receive her and the family that came along with her?

There's no rule book how to navigate the process of life after reunion, but Makayla's story is evidence that speaking life over your adoptee journey is a must!

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Breanna’s teenage mother attempts to hide her pregnancy, but when she goes into labor on her High School Graduation Day, her own mother forces her to place the child for adoption. Baby Breanna is fostered and then adopted, after remaining in the foster care system for 3 years. While her adoptive parents informed church members of she and her siblings’ adoption status, they never had an explicit conversation to define what it meant to be adopted. As a self-described “weird child, Breanna searched the pages of a dictionary she carried around with her. Reading the definition provided comfort, but thrust her into a world of fantasy as she aimed to resolve her belief that this situation – this family, was temporary.

After suffering sexual abuse at the hands of her mother’s boyfriend, Breanna leaves home after her senior year of high school. This decision severed the relationship with she and her adoptive family, but friends encourage her to engage in a search and reunion process. The information she receives from her adoption file and a Facebook search have her connected with her biological mother, overnight. Over the span of a decade, there has yet to be an official meeting with her biological mother, siblings, and other blood relatives due to fear and continued secrecy. In spite of it all, Breanna shares how she has defined family for herself, is using her voice to speak her truth, and is finally on the path to healing.

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#ADOPTION #BLACKADOPTION #FOSTERCARE #SEARCHANDREUNION #AFRICANAMERICANADOPTION

Fool me once (at 16 years old), shame on you. Fool me twice (at 32 years old),shame on, who? STILL YOU!!! At the crossroads of trust and deception is a conscious choice of transparency. When it comes to late discovery adoptees (LDA), they are often given excuses as to why the knowledge of their adoption status was withheld. For Tonya, this information was dismissed because her adoptive father, also an alcoholic, had shared the information. His substance abuse was used as the scapegoat to deny the truth. 16 years later, Tonya finds out that there were no lies told. Her mother and grandparents vowed to go to the grave with this information, and her aunt didn’t think it was her place to divulge this family secret. So now what? Tonya is left angry, hurt, disappointed, and confused about who she is, and everything that she THOUGHT she knew about herself.

Tonya, almost lost her physical, emotional, and mental stability as she grappled with grief, shame, and a search and reunion process that only led to dead ends. She regains control of her life with therapy, a life coach, and turning her story into a documentary. She also credits her faith, her husband, children, and sister-friends for providing her with unconditional love and support as she reclaims her #IDentity?

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#ADOPTION #BLACKADOPTION #LATEDISCOVERYADOPTEE #AFRICANAMERICANADOPTION

"Therapy is a real tool and resource." - J'ai Brown, Black Same Race Adoptee

J'ai Brown's parents struggled to conceive. Then, SURPRISE! Two years after adopting J'ai, they went on to conceive FIVE children (including a set of twins). A self-described "daddy's girl," J'ai has close relationships with her father and all of her siblings. The relationship with her mother, however, has been much more complicated, with childhood memories of her mother threatening to send her back or saying their family had five children instead of six.

Being intentional and deliberate about working through the impact of the exclusion she felt as a child has been life changing. With the support of Black, adoption trauma informed therapists, J'ai has stepped into owning her voice and her story. "I want to use my experience, my voice to be a blessing to other adoptees.... I want to use my experience to be that person that I did not have growing up."

This healing journey is not only for the little girl that she was, but also for the little girl that she and her husband are raising. "I got a little queen, a young queen that I'm raising and I don't want her to have the experience of not feeling like she's enough, not feeling valued, not feeling seen and heard."

In the midst of her hopeful search to one day connect with biological family, J'ai is leaning on her faith as she continues to define and embrace all the beautiful pieces of herself.

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#ADOPTION #BLACKADOPTION #AFRICANAMERICANADOPTION

“She never forgot that she had a daughter out there somewhere.” – Lisa Wright, Black Adoptee

Despite being born in the 60’s when closed adoptions were the norm, Lisa Wright’s progressive mother opted to be open and transparent with her daughter about her adoption status. Her goal was that her child would not feel disconnected, angry, or abandoned. While Lisa was able to detect distinct differences between, she and her family, she also was astutely aware the family doesn’t always mean DNA was involved. The fact that her mother had adopted and also fostered children, #TheBlackFamily constellation looked a lot different, but had the same love as any blood-related family.

Lisa was so secure within her family; she rejected the notion of engaging in a search and reunion process. When asked by her mother if she would ever look, Lisa’s response was, “I don't need to find my mom. Last time I checked, you were still here.”  These words held true until one fateful request to take a 23andMe DNA Test came from Lisa’s son, Nicholas. Who knew that Nicholas’s desire for a tribal tattoo would create a pathway to locating biological family in such a beautiful and unexpected way?

In this story, a mother and daughter are reunited after 50 years. And GUESS WHO HER MAMA IS? If you want to know, you’ll need to listen in to this VERY SPECIAL episode where we hear for the first time, the perspectives of not only the Black Adoptee (Lisa), but her first known blood relative – her son, Nicholas.

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#ADOPTION #BLACKADOPTION #THEBLACKFAMILY #23ANDMe #SEARCHANDREUNION

"At 23, my world just blew up. It literally just blew up in my face." - Darius Colquitt, Black Late Discovery + Kinship Adoptee

"I love you. I love you, too. How much? Til the world blow up...". That's how Darius Colquitt and his dad would communicate when Darius was younger. With one fateful Facebook message, Darius' world that included his loving parents and his cool-ass uncle who wore suits and listened to jazz blew ALL the way up. 

His uncle turned out to be his biological father and the man he knew as his dad was really his uncle. 

In the aftermath, it was his passion and gift for artistic expression that helped Darius pick up, process and re-imagine the pieces of his life. The award-winning entertainer wrote his way toward healing and a new narrative. 

Darius' personality is BIG and we cut UP in this conversation! But don't get it twisted. Take it from three late discovery adoptees: sometimes you gotta laugh to keep from crying. The height of our joy matches the depth of our pain.

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" Ain't no destination. We just keep journeying." – Zahra Alabanza

Kinship care has been the method of choice when children are unable to reside with their biological parents. However, this is not always the best or DESIRED option, especially when children don’t know certain sides of their family and/or there is a perception that one’s family hasn’t shown up for them in times of need. This is the conundrum Zahra Alabanza found herself in at the age of 12, after being kidnapped by her father, abandoned, and spilt up from her siblings.

Although there were challenges along the way, the girl grows up and makes the best of the cards she’s been dealt. Just when Zahra is living her absolute best life in these Chi-Town streets, she finds out that her nephews have been placed in the foster care system. This is a full circle moment for her, and despite not being the “cookie-baking” type, she decides to raise her nephews, and reimagines what motherhood and family constellations can look like.

Zahra’s lifelong preparation coupled with her professional expertise as a social worker provides revelations and stark lessons for us about how to play chess, not checkers, when it comes to foster care system and deciding to formally adopt your kin. Listen in and listen up to this story about loss, grief, grace, compassion, and a continuous journey toward healing so that one doesn’t repeat generational trauma.

Check out the Recommended Adoption Resources in the Show Notes and SHARE!

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#FOSTERCARE #KINSHIPADOPTION #AFRICANAMERICANADOPTION

"Your creation was the best I could be for you." - Qadriyyah S. Mabel-Dorothy

Listen, much like The South, African American birth mothers got something to say! Outcasts in their own right, Black women who choose adoption for their babies often live with shame, even when they believe their choice was the best they could do at the time. Following her divorce, Qadriyyah knew that she didn't want to have more children. God, however, had different plans, revealed to her in recurring dreams of a beautiful, Black baby boy. She knew she would have another baby and also that she was "giving birth to somebody else's baby." 

Twice.

Navigating through lack of adoption knowledge, denied requests for therapy support, a "janky" money-focused adoption agency, family and friends who didn't understand her choices, all while raising children through anxiety and depression, Qadriyyah's journey shows parenting and adoption take more than love.

Take a listen, check out the Recommended Adoption Resources in the Show Notes and SHARE!

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#ADOPTION #BLACKBIRTHMOTHER #AFRICANAMERICANADOPTION

"I know who I am, but I just want to know, where it actually started." - Sonia Morgan

Imagine finding a photo album that you’ve never seen before. The pictures are of you BUT the name on the book and photos is not your own. Hard to fathom, right? Our guest, Sonia Morgan lived this experience, and at age 27, her world is turned upside down when she confirms her lifelong feeling that “something’s not right.”

Sonia grew up in a loving home with her parents and older sister where she has fond childhood memories of playing outside, jumping rope, and playing jacks. She felt safe, secure, and had no reason to believe that there were any family secrets bubbling beneath the surface.

Listen in as we chat about what it means to be a late discovery adoptee (LDA), the intensity and fluctuation of emotions that are felt during the grieving process, the exploration of the “truth,” and the conflict of being empathetic and compassionate, when those expressions are often denied to adoptees. More importantly, we drill down on intentional curiosity about oneself. In doing so, adoptees can sit in their power to not “erase,” who they are, but live in their purpose without shame.

Check out the Recommended Resources in the Show Notes and SHARE!

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#ADOPTION #LDA #FOG #BLACKFAMILY #EVERYBIRTHHASASTORY