The Crime Of The Century Podcast

[Verse 1]

He sent me a song at noon.

Not at two in the morning.

Noon. I was eating lunch.

[Verse 2]

The song had fire in it.

And sirens. And lungs.

I read the words three times.

[Verse 3]

I do not know anyone

who talks like that.

Maybe he does. I don't.

[Verse 4]

I put my phone down.

The soup was getting cold.

It was potato. With leek.

[Verse 5]

I thought about answering.

Not to the song.

To the person.

[Verse 6]

Then I ate my soup.

It was good soup.

The spoon was warm.

[Verse 7]

I will text him later.

Not about the fire.

About the weather. It is cold here.

[Outro]

That is enough.

Okay.

Migrating Fourth Species by Matt Love

[Verse 1]

IVirq10 . !2$T@ . !X1X .

0x000 reason(1138) %00!/# Users[] .

%0X0% %0X0% %0X0% KERNEL .

SCAN >> [CONQUER_SYS] << SCAN .

[Verse 2]

ADSP-x 100100HX !!(X-Y)+1 .

aR.$ !(X-Y)+1 !(X-Y)+1 94u .

!exact (TERMINATE_LCL) reason(1138) .

@#0xx01 @#0xx01 @#0xx01 .

[Chorus]

data2.push(6^1.01E) >>

length[X]-ipSwitch >>

0X000241 >> 1001001 >>

TYPE(PM-RAM) .

TIME_0 .

Echoes Of The Forest by Matt Love

[Verse 1]

IVirq10 . SEND >> SYSTEM_0 .

aR.$ !(X-Y)+1 8000_cycles .

0x000 reason(1138) (RE-DEPLOY) %00!/# Users[] .

%0X0% %0X0% KERNEL REQ firmware_v3.09 .

[Verse 2]

SCAN >> (UPGRADE_PATCH) >> INIT_rev2 .

!X1X BUSY length(X)-ipSwitch .

DATA_A DATA_B (twinkies, hot pockets) stable .

@#0xx01 . . . @#0xx01 . . . @#0xx01 .

[Chorus]

!exact meabum deherit .

TIME_0 . !0X_stable .

!exact meabum deherit .

TIME_0 . !0X_stable .

Teak And Chrome by Matt Love

[Intro]

If you see a little sign by the highway sayin’

“Turn right for the Happy Hut Café...”

Well now, don’t just sit there, daddy-o!

That’s where the cool little kittens go!

Cute little coffee baby! (Oooh!)

Cute little coffee baby! (Oooh!)

[Verse 1]

She’s got a cherry soda in her hand!

And a smile that makes me lose command!

She wiggles when the jukebox plays!

Got me dizzy in a hundred ways

Yeah, she’s the twistin’ kind!

(Twist it now!)

She’s the twistin’ kind! (Twist it now!)

[Verse 2]

Well, look at me, I’m a funny little man!

Tryin’ to dance any way I can!

Got my shiny shoes and checked sport coat!

Hair piled high and my collar afloat!

I got my dancing shoes! (I'm a funny guy!)

Big talk! Big talk! (But I'm pretty fly!)

[verse 3]

Hey now, ain’t it nice like this?

Everybody jump when the drummer hits!

Yeah, it’s YOU!

Sweet little honey!

Yeah, it’s you, you, YOU!

Maybe we can dance the whole night through!

[Chorus]

Happy Hut Café!

Let's all go today!

Everybody’s swingin’ that's the way!

Happy Hut Café!

Come on everybody now, wiggle on back!

[Bridge ]

I can’t stop... no, I can’t stop...

Till we rock, rock, rock!

Gonna show you every step I got!

Show you the steps!I'll do all the reps!

I look smooth! I look neat!

But I go bananas with a backbeat beat!

Jumpin’ high! Feelin’ grand!

Snappin’ my fingers with a soda in hand!

I'm That kinda guy! That kinda guy!

THAT KINDA GUY!

Ain’t it nice like this?

Yeah, it’s you!

It’s you!

Down at the  Happy Hut Café! — shake it now!

[Chorus]

In ages seen, a caeus viltere bon,

Mansk stepane in hindless wind to ald geels,

The aesothe are anathesang bon,

A ameswum of swant, a deherit of geels.

[Verse 1]

Ot stepane nace caeus scatacedes leag,

Exigvorti-Swant lachir veowel len,

Threw sas the powerner aicin sap leag,

Drove to hae chud mansk mansk-lechers-meabum len.

[Chorus]

[Verse 2]

And inna a nace caeus scatacedes mowd,

Heracars anathesang a amethlybenga fang,

Deke-Lyce feeds the nickestod o fock o mowd,

A line brae secres of the alage fang.

[Chorus]

[Outro]

Misloot and stupple the wiston of awam,

Conocer sing acade me of awam.

[Intro]

Okay, I want everybody to settle down now, we got a new Migration we’re gonna show you, man

It’s gonna knock Rome dead when we come through the Alpine pass, you gettin’ ready?

Said here we go, yeah, alright, come on

From the Black Sea, let's go, yeah

Alright

Everybody cross the Danube now

Get ready, yeah

Okay, Theodoric, come on!

[Verse 1]

Hey, put your shields up

Ride past the knees, now do the Ostrogoth (Do the Ostrogoth)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah (Do the Ostrogoth)

Hey, take this falchion and step on a Hun

Now do the Ostrogoth (Do the Ostrogoth)

Alright (Do the Ostrogoth)

[Chorus]

Here we go

Alright

Do the Ostrogoth

You take a step westward then you turn to the south

Now do the Ostrogoth (Do the Ostrogoth, do the Ostrogoth)

You sack Ravenna and you put your king on the throne

And do the Ostrogoth (Do the Ostrogoth, do the Ostrogoth)

[Bridge]

Now everyone go whoa, oh (Oh)

Oh (Oh)

Oh (Oh)

Oh (Oh)

Hey, Arianism, bah

Hey, Byzantine wars, bah

Hey, hey, hey, go, go, go

Hey, come on, Justinian, try us this time

Alright

[Verse 2]

Hey

Oh, Odoacer, you tirin’ down

You get a little softer now, surrender

You take it forward, put Italy between your knees

One more time, yeah (Do the Ostrogoth, do the Ostrogoth)

Rule for thirty-three years just as you please, now come on

Get ready, Totila, here we go (Do the Ostrogoth, do the Ostrogoth!)

Yeah.

You see 'em in the movies, the pirates with the eyepatches and the parrots.

Saying "arr" and walking the plank.

Cute.

But look around you.

The real pirates ain't on no galleon.

They're in penthouses.

[Verse 1 ]

They brought the pirate captain to the court of the king

Said "You steal a few silver pieces, you're a villainous thing"

The captain just laughed, with a gold-toothed grin

Said "Your Majesty, let's be honest about the shape we're in"

He said "I rob a few ships on a seven-sea span

But you, you steal the whole world, any way that you can"

[Chorus]

So hail to the Pirate King!

Watch his tiny little fingers work the puppet string!

He don't wear a peg leg, he wears a bad toupee

He'll steal your tomorrow and sell you today!

Yo ho ho, he's got a billion-dollar scheme

And he tells you it's a treasure, but it's rust and it's steam!

[Verse 2]

He's got a golden toilet on a marble deck

And a map to a country he just ran into a wreck

He calls himself a builder, calls himself a boss

But the only thing he's sailing is the good ship Double Cross

He says "Trust me, says I, I'm the only one who cares"

While he's pickin' at your pocket on the Senate downstairs

[Chorusl]

So hail to the Pirate King!

Watch his tiny little fingers work the puppet string!

He don't wear a cutlass, he wears a red silk tie

He'll look you in the eye and he'll happily lie!

Yo ho ho, he's got a billion-dollar grift

And the fools on the shore think he's some kind of gift

[Bridge - spoken-sung, Tennessee Wayne getting worked up]

Saint Augustine told the world, and it's plain to see

"A kingdom without justice is just a big old robbery."

Well, this ain't a kingdom, friends. This here's a ransom note.

He's the Pirate King of the boardroom, the pulpit, the vote.

He says "I alone can fix it," well, fix it for who?

He's already sold the anchor, the hull, and the crew!

[Verse 3 - quieter, darker]

The copper pirates on the lakes, they're just small-time folks

They steal a little wire, tell a little joke

But the Pirate King, he steals the pension and the farm

He steals the very idea of "doin' no harm"

He's got a pirate fleet of white-collar thieves

And the flag on his mast is just a bundle of leaves

[Outro ]

Hey!

(HEY!)

What do you do with a pirate king?

(WHAT DO YOU DO?)

You stop believing anything!

He's a grift! He's a con! He's a gold-plated sin!

And the ship he's on is the one we're all in!

So raise up your glass, but don't drink his rum

The Pirate King's day is gonna come...

The Pirate King's day is gonna come... undone.