The Dad Bod

Like many of you, I'm in my 40s and at this very, very full stage in life.  In overwhelming moments, my wife and I often ask each other, what do you think your older self might say to you? The goal of this thought exercise is to access a clear-eyed perspective by looking at oneself from afar via a different moment in time, even if just in one's mind.  Well, talking to Mitch was like a super-charged version of that. At 73 years of age with two sons, six grandkids, 45 years of marriage, and two incredible professional careers-worth of experience to draw from, speaking with Mitch felt like being airlifted to his perch in life and looking down at my own.

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In New York City, the person charged with the care, maintenance, and repair of a building is known as a "super." Short for superintendent, it also describes the quality of Alen's work and the superhuman way he seems to be in multiple places at once in the neighborhood, helping dozens of people get things done in their homes every single day.  That's exactly what he was doing in my apartment a few weeks ago.  We caught up while he installed a new light switch for me, and I briefly mentioned this personal project I've been working on, a podcast about what it means to be a dad today, and he immediately asked, "so when are you gonna have me on the show?"  Alen is a get-it-done kinda guy, so the two of us went ahead and got it done and thus, we have this episode.

We met for the interview in the natural habitat of Alen's profession: the basement of my building, specifically behind the door marked, "DANGER: ELECTRIC ROOM."  In our conversation, Alan covers a lot of topics including his transformative early years in America; the differences between his three kids' upbringing and his own upbringing in a village in Montenegro; his many entrepreneurial pursuits, and what it really means to be a super.

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A few years ago, Doug moved with his family from New York City to Taiwan to live a life that gives them the freedom to travel frequently, enjoy outdoorsy activities, and raise their kids as native Chinese speakers in an immersive Taiwanese cultural environment, all while still operating by the US-based e-commerce business that Doug started once upon a time as a side hustle to his data analytics career in NYC.  As you're about to hear, Doug and I had a great conversation about his life in Taiwan, but more importantly, we talk about the years-long journey to find the answer to a universal, burning question that led him there.

Big thanks to Andrew, Dim Sum Dad for introducing me to Doug, after also introducing me to TJ, Seven Habits of Dad.

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John's wife says that he "looks like someone who used to work out" and John basically concurs, describing his dad bod shape as "oval." So if the shape of dad transformation is the oval, what is the shape of dad redemption?

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I met Andres more than 15 years ago, when he was dating my wife's childhood best friend and with whom he just celebrated 14 years of marriage.  At 60 years old, he is ahead of me in life and in parenting, and so even though we've never lived in the same city and our actual contact with each other is infrequent, I've looked up to him for a long time.  As you'll hear, Andres has a lot of deeply rooted wisdom gained through his experiences as a son, a chaplain, a pastor, a coach, and of course, as a dad.

One of my favorite memories with Andres, which I'm not sure if he even remembers, is when he and his wife visited us when my wife was pregnant with our first.  On that visit, he specifically sought out one on one time with me to both pray for me and smoke a cigar with me as I was about to enter this amazing journey of fatherhood.  I'm not sure which came first, the praying or the cigars, but that moment is a little snapshot of how I see Andres: a person with whom every interaction teaches me more about God and life.

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Like me, Charlie is an American-born son of immigrant parents.  Although the facts of our lives and cultures differ greatly, I recognize a lot of the same truths, and even though I’m not yet at his stage in life, I approach Charlie’s story with a great deal of self interest: what can I learn from his experience about supporting a parent in the decline of old age and about ushering grown children into adulthood?

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Many details in Thomas’ story remind me of the other Dad Bod dads. Like Brian, he's a girl dad. Like Carlton, he met one of his mentors through the Young Life Christian organization. Like Jeremy, his dad struggled as a small business owner.  Like TJ, sports was the backdrop for a pivotal moment in his life. Like John, his dad couldn't be counted on.  Like Carlton, Andrew, and Brian, he's grieved his dad's passing.  

In my imagination, I see Thomas gathered with the other Dad Bod dads, and this episode is him telling his story, adding it to the greater story of what it means to be a dad today.  And as he shares, the other dads acknowledge the similarities by nodding and saying, "me, too." Perhaps you've done the same while listening to The Dad Bod.  These similarities are the harmony to the melody of Thomas' story: a life deeply impacted by brokenness in his biological family but dramatically healed by divine grace through his chosen family.

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Andrew described TJ to me as considerate, wise, thoughtful, and with an off-the-charts EQ.  But beyond these specific qualities, Andrew clearly regards TJ as simply one of the most high quality people that he's ever worked with.  I find this kind of recommendation - one regular, everyday guy who sees another regular, everyday guy being extraordinary with that very ordinary slice of life known as "work" - to be very compelling, so I entered my conversation with TJ hoping to learn how he became a person that my friend Andrew so highly respected.

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I had a great time talking with Edwin, who was referred to the show by Charlie, Good Bad Ugly Dad from episode 7.  As we say on the Dad Bod, the show is here to reveal the hidden drama of modern day fatherhood, and so I appreciate Edwin for sharing his personal journey from growing up in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, way back in the day as well as his career in education - not as a teacher, but as a "fireman" of the New York City public school system - I'll let him explain what that means.

But what I appreciate most from Edwin is the recognition that he gives his wife for everything that she does as a wife and as a mom.  As you'll hear, he points to her repeatedly throughout our conversation, which made me realize that the story of Edwin can only be made complete with the help of Pat.  You'll get to hear from both of them in this episode.

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This reflection episode is dedicated to Carlton, Daddy's Boy Dad.  After listening to this episode, I encourage you to go back and listen to the full interview so that you can get a firsthand feel for who Carlton is and his story.

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