The Dad & Daughter Connection

Hey dads! Welcome to Dad Connections in 5, where we keep it real and practical—just a few minutes to help you build a deeper, stronger relationship with your daughter. I'm Dr. Christopher Lewis, and today, we're talking about something foundational but often overlooked—how to model respect and kindness in everyday life.

If you want your daughter to grow into a person who treats others well, stands up for herself, and expects to be treated with dignity—it starts with you.

So let's get into it—why respect and kindness matter, and three simple ways to show them every day in ways your daughter will remember and repeat.

Kids learn values by watching us live them. Your daughter will learn what it means to be kind not just from what you say, but from what you do. She'll learn how to treat people—from family to strangers—by how you treat the people in your own life.

• If she sees you hold the door for someone, she notices.
• If you speak kindly when you're frustrated, she sees the power of self-control.
• If you show respect to your partner, your friends, your coworkers—you're teaching her what healthy, respectful relationships look like.

So here are three ways you can show respect and kindness in ways that stick.

Respect starts at home. That means talking to your daughter with the same tone and patience you'd expect from her.

• Say please and thank you—even to your child.
• Apologize when you're wrong. ("I'm sorry I snapped earlier. That wasn't fair to you.")
• Let her finish her thoughts before jumping in.

How you speak to her becomes her inner voice. Make sure it's one that affirms her worth and encourages empathy.

And remember—she's also watching how you treat the waitress, the cashier, the neighbor, and yes, even the slow driver in front of you.

Kindness isn't just grand gestures—it's a daily habit. Show her that:

• Kindness is leaving the last cookie for someone else.
• Kindness is texting a friend to check in.
• Kindness is smiling at a stranger or offering help without being asked.

Involve her in small acts of kindness:

• Bring donuts to a neighbor.
• Hold the door for someone together.
• Write thank-you notes as a team.

When you make kindness visible, she learns that it's not just something we talk about—it's something we do.

Life is full of moments when frustration rises—bad drivers, rude emails, disagreements at home. These are the teachable moments.

Instead of losing your cool:

• Take a breath.
• Speak calmly.
• Say, "Let's figure this out together," instead of, "Why can't you ever get this right?"

Conflict doesn't have to mean disrespect. In fact, how you handle tough moments teaches her more than how you act when things are easy.

Here's your challenge: Today, pick one simple act of kindness or respect—and do it where your daughter can see.

• Say thank you.
• Open a door.
• Compliment someone.
• Apologize when needed.

Then, when the moment's right, talk to her about it. Help her connect the dots:

• "I held the door because it's important to show respect, even in small ways."

These are the lessons that shape her into a kind, grounded, and respectful young woman.

That's it for today's Dad Connections in 5. If this episode made you think about the power of your everyday actions, share it with another dad doing his best to lead with kindness. Until next time—keep showing up, keep modeling what matters, and keep raising daughters who lead with love and respect.

If you're a father looking to deepen your relationship with your daughter and embrace all the wonder (and chaos) of parenthood, the latest episode of the "Dad and Daughter Connection" is a must-listen. This week, Dr. Christopher Lewis sits down with Dr. Hasan Merali, a pediatric emergency medicine doctor, researcher, and author, for an insightful conversation that flips the script on how we view toddlers—and offers practical ways dads can cultivate meaningful bonds with their daughters.

Beneath the Tantrums: What Toddlers Can Teach Us

Toddlerhood is too often painted as a stormy sea of tantrums and "why" questions, but Dr. Merali's experience—as both a physician and a dad—reveals something different: young children are bursting with curiosity, resilience, empathy, and joy. Drawing from his new book, Sleep Well, Take Risks, Squish the Peas: Secrets from the Science of Toddlers for a Happier, More Successful Way of Life, Dr. Merali explores how toddlers' natural enthusiasm and openness hold powerful lessons for adults.

He urges parents to recognize that tantrums are fleeting (just a few minutes a day!)—what really fills children's time is laughing, learning, loving, and connecting. By tuning into these moments, dads can nurture strong, joyful relationships with their daughters.

Building Bonds Through Presence and Play

One standout theme from the episode is the value of intentional time together. Dr. Merali shares how his paternity leave—six months spent at home during the pandemic—allowed him and his daughter to connect without distractions. He also discusses family traditions, like a soothing bedtime routine and regular father-daughter hikes, that help anchor their relationship even during life's busy or challenging seasons.

Crucially, Dr. Merali encourages dads to embrace play—rediscover what you loved as a child and share that joy with your daughter, whether it's music, sports, or just being silly together. Kids thrive off connection and fun, and those experiences build trust that lasts.

Raising Confident, Curious Daughters

The conversation delves into giving children space to struggle, fail, and try again—because confidence is built through doing, not just succeeding. Dr. Merali reminds dads to maintain a sense of curiosity, to model positive self-talk, and to let their daughters take (safe) risks, developing independence one small step at a time.

If you want both encouragement and actionable strategies for being the dad your daughter needs, tune into this episode. It's a heartfelt reminder that the best parenting wisdom might come from the littlest voices in our lives.

Listen to the full episode at Dad and Daughter Connection and start building an even stronger bond today.

TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]: Welcome to the dad and Daughter Connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:12]: If you're looking to build a stronger bond with your daughter and help her grow into a confident, independent woman, you're in the right place. I'm Dr. Christopher Lewis and the dad and Daughter Connection is the podcast where we dive into real stories, expert advice, and practical tips to help you navigate the incredible journey of fatherhood. In every episode, we'll bring you conversations that inspire, challenge, and equip you to show up as the dad your daughter needs. So let's get started, because being a great dad isn't just about being there, it's about truly connecting. Welcome back to the dad and Daughter Connection, where every week we have a great opportunity to be able to work on those connections that we want to have with our daughters. I love being able to talk to you every week and coming back every week to talk about this important relationship that we have with our daughters and the important journey that we all have to be on to be able to build an even stronger relationship, building stronger connections with our daughters. That's why every week I try to bring you different people, people with different experiences, different journeys that can talk to you about their own journey, but also some tools for your own toolbox and help you along the path.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:35]: This week we got another great guest. Dr. Hasan Merali is with us and Dr. Merali is an Associate professor in the Department of pediatric at McMaster University and a pediatric emergency medicine physician at McMaster Children's Hospital in Hamilton, Ontario. He received his medical degree from Harvard Medical School and a Master of Public Health degree from Johns Hopkins. And his research from focuses on child injury prevention in low and middle income countries. He's published more than 25 peer reviewed journal articles. He has a brand new book that we're going to be also talking about today called Sleep well, Take Risks, Squish the Peas, Secrets from the Science of Toddlers for a happier, more successful way of life.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:23]: I'm really excited to have him here and to welcome him to the show. Hasan, thanks so much for being here today.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:02:29]: Yeah, thanks for having me. Great to be here.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:31]: It is my pleasure. Love having you here. And first and foremost, I want to talk to you a little bit about your own journey as a dad and especially a dad to a daughter. And I guess as you think about the time that you've been able to spend with your daughter thus far, what is one of the most meaningful moments that you've been able to share with Your daughter thus Far.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:02:49]: You know, there are so many that come to mind. We had a very special bonding experience. Kind of unique. Number one, because I live in Canada and I'm very fortunate, I was able to take a paternity leave and I took six months off with her. So I was off when she was six months to one year. And that was also the first year of the pandemic. And so everything was pretty much shut down. My wife and I are both essential workers.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:03:10]: So she was back at work, and Aria and I just had that time alone for six months and we didn't have anywhere to go. And it was just the two of us @ home. So we had a very, very special bonding experience. And I think what really came out of that is the fun that we can have day to day. And one of the things I talk about and write about is how much young children love to laugh. And I think that's just this special moment in time that we had those six months kind of continue daily where she is making me laugh every day. And I'm trying to make her laugh just as much, but she certainly is a funnier person. And I think that's the special moment that continues on each day for us.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:03:46]: Now, I know your daughter's still young and she's still becoming her own person, but as she's getting older, she's probably asking more questions, starting to get into that why phase of things. How do you balance the idea that you want to guide your daughter while also giving her the independence to grow into her own person?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:04:05]: I really encourage that why question. And it's just an important part of early childhood development and how little kids can learn at actually a much faster rate than most of us. And so. And I often don't know the answer, and that's okay. And I want her to teach her that. It's an important question to ask, but it's also okay if we don't know the answer. And my job, I think, as a dad, is to instill that in her and maintain that curiosity, but also give her the tools of how we're going to look things up. And so, you know, for example, one of the ways, a really great way is the library.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:04:37]: And so we try to make it every week, but I'll say every two weeks for sure, to the library, where we're getting books on topics that she's interested in or that she just becomes interested as she's walking around and go through that. And so I really want to instill that curiosity, learning how do we get the answer Reading as part of that.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:04:52]: You talked about the fact that you got to spend that quality time with your daughter at an early age during COVID And I guess as you think about either those times or where you are today, what are some intentional ways you've worked to strengthen your bond with your daughter, especially during times that might not be the easiest, maybe those challenging times?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:05:14]: Yeah, I think one of the ways that I've done that, you know, I live in a larger city. There's just a large mass of people who live between Toronto and Hamilton, and I'm a part of that. But I didn't grow up in. In a large city. I grew up in a very small town, a lot of wilderness in Northern Ontario. So one of the things that I tried to do more with her is take her out into nature. And we know all the health benefits for young kids as they're developing, but also for adults as well. And so we try to go on hikes, which we can get to about 30 minutes away.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:05:42]: And then at least two, three times a year, just her and I, without mom will go away out into cabins without electricity or running water, and we go canoeing and do a little bit of fishing. We use propane stoves. And that's really nice because there's no technology either. And I think that's, yeah, for me, the best times of the year.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:02]: Now, every one of us has to learn along the way. We're not always going to be perfect. There's going to be mistakes. There's going to be things that we do that we look back on and say, why did I do that? What's a mistake you've made as a father, and what did you learn from it about fostering a positive connection?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:06:20]: I think one of the biggest mistakes certainly that I've made and I. And I see this in a lot of parents now that I've gone through the data, is jumping in when they're struggling with something. I mean, there are certain things that she's for right now, so she's just not going to be able to do, and that's fine. But there are a lot of other things where she needs to have that struggle and get to a point where she wants to ask for help or try to learn and figure out new ways to do things. And that point of where you jump in is sometimes far too early as a parent, when you're trying to help them along, when you see them struggling or trying to work something out. And so that is something that I've really had to just watch and Observe her. She knows that I'm there. She knows that I'm there to support her.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:07:04]: But I'm not actually going to do the thing for her until she's given that a good shot or asked specifically for help.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:10]: Now, you just mentioned the fact that you show her that you are there. What's one way that you tangibly show your daughter that she can always count on you?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:07:20]: Yeah. So one of the things, and she's very. She asks about this is about schedule. And so, you know, she's at the age where schedules become very important to her. And she has a little calendar. And so we can map out not too far in the future, but maybe a week or so. And so I am going to show her for that week and for that day of when we're going to be together. And so she kind of has her school routine.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:07:43]: You know, I work in the er, so I'm not always there in the evenings. Like this evening, I won't be there. So I just make it very clear to her that, you know, today I won't be there. It'll be mom, but then tomorrow I will be picking you up. And we will do X, Y, Z. We have her in a few activities and that we're going to do those things together. And I think that schedule and understanding on what day, at least today and tomorrow, what's happening, where I'm going to be and where I'm going to be for her is important. And that really works well for her.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:10]: Talking about schedule, that leads to really traditions. Right. And routines, as you said, beyond what you just said in regard to that daily schedule, what's a tradition that you've created thus far that you've created together that strengthens your bond?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:08:27]: Yeah, I think the most important one. And I actually wrote an article about this now. I'll put it in the. In the show notes. I'll send it to you because I think it's really important and adaptable for adults, too. And that's the sleep routine. It's this toddler preschooler sleep routine that we do together every night. Takes about 45 minutes, an hour total.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:08:46]: But it really helps us down and connect together at the end of each night that I'm there. And so what that means is about an hour before bedtime, we take a bath. After the bath time, we do some type of hygiene activity. Usually for her, it's flossing and brushing. And then always before bed, we go through a book. And it doesn't have to be any particular book. It can be one of her favorites. It can be one of the new ones that we've got from the library.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:09:11]: But that time spent reading and that daily tradition of this is the bedtime routine before and mom is involved as well, I think really helps us bond and helps her get to sleep better and helps me get to sleep better because I do something similar a few hours later when I go to bed.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:28]: Now, I mentioned the fact that you have a new book called Sleep well, Take Risks, Squish the Peas, Secrets from the Science of Toddlers for a Happier, More Successful Way of Life. And I also, in your bio, I talk about all the different hats. You're wearing many hats as a pediatric ER doctor, a researcher, and now an author, as well as a dad, husband, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So talk to me about the journey and what inspired you to write this book.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:09:58]: Yeah, so I'm very fortunate that I day to day get to work with children. And I've been in pediatrics for about 15 years. And these young children in particular, and I focus on this magical age between 1 and 5 toddlers and preschoolers, they just think in such a different way and they do things so differently. And I've had such so many positive experiences with them. And then I look at kind of the media and what's portrayed about toddlers, and I just see Tantrum, tantrum, Tantrum, and then something else, and then Tantrum. And that just doesn't do them justice, and it's just not who they are. And so this book really came out of what do I want to show the world about who these people really are? You know, tantrums last. We know this from the data, and if we look at the data, a median time of one to three minutes.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:10:43]: So that means, you know, half of them are less than that time, half of them are more. It'd be very rare to get to 10 minutes and very rare to get to 15. But let's say that's true. 15 minutes. They're awake for 12 to 13 hours a day. So what are they doing all of the other times? You know, they're making connections, they're learning, they're laughing, they're doing all these wonderful things. And when I dove deeper into the data on this, the way they live their lives actually maps perfectly well onto a lot of the adult wellness literature. And people just focus on toddler tantrums and what we need to do for them.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:11:14]: I wanted to flip the script completely. And so my book doesn't have anything to do with parenting. It is Wonderful for parents because they'll get it, I think. But it is all the lessons that young children can teach us. And I really wanted to make sure that people know that.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:29]: We've already talked about the fact that your daughter Aria is between 4 and 5 right now. And so she's right in the middle of the toddler and preschool years and getting toward the school years. So talk to me about that interplay of being a dad and how that. And also a doctor, and working with all these other kids in your professional practice, and how that influenced your research and writing.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:11:57]: So she actually pops up quite a bit in the book because I started this book during the pandemic as well. The book proposal and my actual writing was between when she was between one and two, two and a half. So it actually occurred when she was at that age. And so I was able to pull in a lot of stories from her at that time, as well as a lot of my experience working with children in the ER as well. You know, one of my favorite stories and I and I write about this is the number of times I've been with young children who have had to fast because of me. I've told them to because they have belly pain and we have to do blood work, ultrasound, all of these things to them. And it's been several hours that they haven't eaten. And most of the time, good, they're okay, they can eat.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:12:39]: I tell the parents that the parents are ready with their favorite snack. It's always some type of cracker, usually goldfish, something else. And they give this child these crackers. And they look at me, they're able to tell just by my face somehow that I haven't eaten. Also in six or seven hours. And, you know, multiple times it's happened where they'll just give me a cracker. I don't even have to ask for it. Or they'll take a couple and then offer it to me, or they'll lick one and give it to me.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:13:02]: And they're just so kind and generous that these types of interactions really, really helped me put this all together. And I'll say, just on kindness, hands down with the 20 years, I'd say of research I kind of dug through to write this. I don't think there's anyone kinder than young children.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:18]: Let's go a little bit deeper on that, because you do talk in the book about the fact that toddlers do show that pure empathy and kindness toward others. How can parents nurture and maintain those qualities as their kids grow older?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:13:34]: Yeah. So I think one of the main ways, because kids naturally have this, as I mentioned, finding ways to give back or to helping them maintain that. So I think the easiest in some ways, but hard because it requires time, is some type of volunteer work. You know, every one of us and every little child has some cause that is very meaningful to them, whether that's taking care of pets, whether that's taking care of elderly people, something. So I think if that can be made into a family activity where there is some type of volunteer work and maybe it can be a structured thing where you're going every week and that's amazing, or maybe it can just be an informal thing where that's happening once a month when you're able to, is I think one of the ways that we can maintain their need and want to always be kind to others and make themselves feel happy from doing those activities.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:14:26]: You know, earlier you talked about the importance of connection for toddlers and building those deep connections with others around them, whether it be parents or other kids or things like that. What do you think that fathers can learn from their about strengthening the father daughter bond?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:14:46]: I think one of the ways that we can do that, and my daughter reminds me about how I can do this all the time, is with play. And you know, it requires no data to know that kids love to play more than adults do. And it's something they inject into their lives all the time. And the older, the older we get, it kind of drops away. But there's a lot of good research with adults that it actually helps us feel more relaxed, it makes us more fun to be around and more fun for the other person and all these wonderful benefits. So I would just encourage people to have that play in their lives. And one of the things I found that has helped me is to think about what are the things that I used to like to do when I was younger and kind of bring that to my daughter. So when I was really thinking back, one of the things I did when I was maybe in elementary school was play drums.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:15:38]: And that was something a lot of fun for me. And so modified that and found a hand drumming class recently and started learning how to do play hand drums. And I'm fortunate that my parents are from East Africa and they have a large collection of hand drums that they don't use, they're just on display. But we picked these up, I gave one to my daughter and after I've learned a few beats, I've come home and kind of showed her a little bit. And this is one way where something fun for me that was meaningful for me as a childhood I can bring to my daughter. And I think that would be a great way for dads to introduce something new, but also to remember what it was like to be a child as well yourself.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:16:12]: I love that. And I know earlier I talked about that your daughter was at that age where I'm sure you're getting a lot of the why, why, why. And they ask ton. Toddlers ask hundreds of questions a day. But the interesting piece is as you look at kids as they grow older, as you look at adults, so many adults hesitate to even ask one question in a meeting. So how do you feel that dads can encourage their kids to keep that natural curiosity alive as they get older and as they grow?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:16:43]: Yeah, it's such an important question and I'm glad you asked it. I have a whole chapter in my book dedicated to this about asking because it's such an incredible thing that they're able to do. And as you said, over time we just go over this like XY graph cliff of how many questions we ask. You know, if toddlers are left to themselves and they're recorded, this is in studies, they can ask 107 per hour. It's really incredible how many questions they're just able to ask. And interestingly that they're getting to the answer faster what they need to know. And that's something important for us. But the other reason that they ask questions and that we should be asking questions, especially follow up questions, is that it is an incredible relationship building tool and that's really born out in the data with adults as well.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:17:28]: And so I think both ways, like encouraging your child to keep asking those questions and just doing everything you can to not get annoyed with those and realizing that they are doing it for a couple of different reasons. And then you yourself being inspired by them, because I think they're inspiring people to ask more questions of not just them, but other people around you, especially at work or in other types of two adult relationships. Because that's what actually has shown to make us more likable as well.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:17:55]: I know that in the book you also highlight the way toddlers take risks without overthinking it. How can parents balance risk taking while still ensuring safety?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:18:08]: Yeah, it's a tough one and it's a really, really good question because as a pediatric ER doctor, I see both ends of the spectrum. I see the absolute worst of it and I see all the minor injuries. And so most importantly, we have to make sure car Safety and pool safety and safety around ingestions, pills is there people they have to be in the correct car seat, there have to be four walls around pools and medications have to be locked up. But you know, most injuries around kids happen on the playground because they're just out there, they're enjoying themselves, they're trying to do new things, they're developing gross motor skills and they're going to have falls and they have falls and they have cuts. And a lot of what I do with young children is fixing fractures and fixing cuts that they have and suturing them up. And I think it's really, really important that we let kids on the playground scenario really just play and we don't have to hover around them. We know from years and years of data that the vast majority of injuries that kids get in the playground setting are minor injuries. And we can fix almost all of them.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:19:10]: And then we've gotten to the point where we're just hovering over them and making sure that nothing else happens to them and it's too much for them. They need that space, they need the room to grow. And I realizing this more and more that we've gone a little bit too extreme with the safety and we need to pull back. And it's not like this in other countries. A lot of European countries will let their kindergarten grade one, grade two Asia just go into the forest and they're watching them, but they're not hovering over them. And they're learning to discover those new natural obstacles that they need to engage with.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:19:42]: Now some of what you just talked about really talks about resiliency in kids and the fact that children are resilient when they break a limb or they fall. And I guess as you have seen that and observed that in kids, not only what have you observed from children's resiliency, but what from that resiliency can parents learn from?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:20:02]: It's a difficult issue. So many things come to mind and so many difficult diagnoses I've had to give over the years and more recently too. And it's incredible the resilience of kids that I've seen who have to come to the hospital for so many different appointments with long term illnesses like cancer. I think one of the things we can learn from children is just that they're able to maintain a positive attitude. They don't get down on life as quickly and they don't get down on themselves. And one of the things that they're able to do much better than adults too is actually self talk and a Lot of their self talk, and it's funny because they talk to themselves out loud. It's so cute. Is very positive and it's very encouraging.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:20:40]: And a lot of our self talk that happens in our minds is very negative and we get down on ourselves a lot. And so to be able to learn from them and flip that script and get our minds in a more positive space, the way we talk to ourselves, I think is a. An easy but incredibly powerful strategy. One of the things just to give your listeners a practical takeaway is when you're in that negative talk cycle, think of yourself talking to a close friend instead of yourself actually. And you'll just notice the language completely changes of how you're talking. And that can be one way to get out of that, that cycle.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:21:14]: Following up on that self talk. I know that as you talk about that, it is a powerful tool for success with your kids and especially raising daughters. That self talk is really important because they will hear things outside of themselves. They will see things and hear things, and society will add things into the mix. So how do you believe that fathers can teach their kids to develop positive inner dialogue from that early age that continues as they get older?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:21:46]: One of the ways, and multiple studies have shown this with older kids and adults and we can start to teach them this. And I think something that adults need to learn is substituting I for second and third person. So when we're thinking about how we're feeling, we have to use you and we have to use our third person name. So for example, when we're in a very stressful situation and they put people in FMRI machines where they can measure the brain waves and they give them very aversive images and they say, what am I feeling? And then they measure the brainwaves and then the person again just says their name. So what is Hasan feeling? And when they do that, that the emotional reactivity centers in our brain are far tuned down. And so as kids get older, not at the age my daughter is at, but at maybe the age that your daughters are at, start to teach them the strategy of talking to themselves in second and third person. And it's a very hard thing to get your head around. But once you start to do that, it starts to make a difference.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:22:38]: And I think that's one of the longer term things that we can definitely leave for our kids.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:22:42]: One question that comes to mind after what you talked about in regards to resiliency in the way that kids process things is that, you know, I've seen so many Toddlers that just live in the moment and they embrace joy. How do you believe that parents can live more of that toddler mindset and add that into their daily lives?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:23:03]: Yeah, I'm so glad you brought that up because, you know, we talk about living in the moment as an adult wellness thing, and there's no one that actually is able to do that as good as toddlers are. And we can't exactly get there because their brains are completely structurally different and they don't have a developed prefrontal cortex. And so they're not thinking about the future and, you know, what's going to happen in next week or maybe even in a few days. And so they're, they're naturally in tune to that, and you can see that all the time because they're looking at different objects and they're noticing things that we would never notice. So it is an incredible skill. I wish we were able to do that more. One of the ways, and this I know has probably been repeated to your listeners so many times, is getting rid of that phone. And when I come home, I'm not perfect and I mess up a lot, but I try when I come home to put it in my nightstand drawer on airplane brain mode.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:23:50]: And it's there until my daughter goes to bed. And so that's between 4 and 7:30pm at least those three, four hours when I'm with her. Not having the phone is, I think, the single best thing we can do to be more present with our kids. And I wish I was better about it. And I'm still working on it. And it's a really good strategy to help this because they're not interested in that as much and they just want to engage with you. And so if you're with them and nobody has their screens, then I think that's a wonderful way to be more in the moment.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:24:20]: And I know you also talk in the book about how adults need to be more toddler. Can you share any specific examples that you might be able to offer where adults like us can be more toddler in our own lives and that may have shown positive results or that could show positive results in our lives?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:24:42]: Yeah. And this is an incredible toddler superpower that is very obvious. And it's their ability to say no. There is nothing more powerful than a toddler. No. When they say no, they really, really mean it. And it's, it's, it's amazing. And I don't mean to be too simplistic or that we should be rude about it, but it's actually incredibly useful if we're able to say no like they are, or as many times as they are.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:25:06]: You know, we want to default to yes and we want to make sure that we don't make the other person feel bad if we're saying no when all these requests are coming towards us. But what that does over time, if we keep saying yes, it leads to overwhelm and an over scheduled calendar. And that's not good for us either, especially when we have children and we need to be around them. And so I want to empower dads and I've had to learn to do this too because I just don't have as much time anymore because I have a daughter is that I need to be better at saying no. And she's taught me that really well. And so really evaluating the requests that are coming and one good strategy that can sometimes be helpful if it's a bigger ask, is actually mapping that out on a calendar about the parts of the ask. If you have some type of report, for example, then you could break the report down into different subcategories and then actually getting a better estimate of the time before you say yes. Because we're notoriously terrible at estimating also the time something will take.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:26:01]: But the toddler no is something we should all be using more.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:26:04]: Now, you've given a lot of pieces of advice today. If there was one other key lesson that you'd want every person to take out of the book, what would it be?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:26:12]: I think the other part is the toddler level of confidence is also incredible. They just think they're able to do anything, including flying and things they're not clearly able to do. And you know, we don't have to be that extreme, but we also get to the other extreme where we don't have the confidence to try these new things. And that's really what helps us grow the fastest, is is trying these new things and having the confidence to do that. So I really admire them for that and I hope that everyone can see them for what they're able to do with confidence to bring a little bit of more of that into our own lives.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:26:46]: Now, if people want to find the book or follow your work, where should they go?

Dr. Hasan Meralis [00:26:50]: So the easiest place is my website because it has everything in one place. Hasan Meraliy.com and that will have links to the book. And I'm very active mostly on LinkedIn as well as X. And you can find me there. I'm happy to connect and I post lessons we can learn from children multiple times per week.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:27:05]: Now, we always finish our interviews with what I like to call our. Our dad Connection six, where I ask you six more questions to delve a little bit more into you as a dad. Are you ready?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:27:13]: Yeah.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:27:13]: What's one word that describes your relationship with your daughter?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:27:17]: Fun.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:27:18]: What's the best piece of dad advice you've ever received?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:27:22]: I think it's to go back to living in the moment and dropping the cell phone.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:27:28]: What's one activity you and your daughter love doing together?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:27:31]: Canoeing.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:27:32]: If you could give your daughter one life lesson in a single sentence, what would it be?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:27:37]: It's to keep up her curiosity.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:27:40]: What's one thing you've learned about yourself since becoming a dad?

Dr. Hasan Meralis [00:27:44]: That I absolutely love being a dad.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:27:46]: Finally, what advice would you give to other dads who want to build a lasting and meaningful relationship with their daughters?

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:27:55]: Find the activities that you really love to do and bring those to your daughter. We talked about my example of the hand drumming, but there are things, and this is what kids need, is new experiences. And so there's. There's things that from your childhood that you can bring to your daughter and that will be incredibly meaningful for both of you.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:28:14]: Well, Hasan, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being here today, for writing this book to encourage all of us to be more childlike, to be more like a toddler, and to start thinking about things differently and acting differently, but also being able to keep young no matter what age we are. And I truly wish you all the best.

Dr. Hasan Merali [00:28:36]: Thank you very much. It was nice to be here.

Dr. Christopher Lewis

That's a wrap for this episode of the dad and Daughter Connection. Thanks for joining us on this journey to build strong, stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters. Remember, being an engaged dad isn't about being perfect. It's about being present. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe and share it with a fellow dad. And don't forget, you can find all our [email protected] until next time, keep showing up, keep connecting and keep being the dad she needs.

Musical Performer [00:29:08]: We're all in the same boat is full of tiny screaming passengers we spend the time, we give the lessons, we make the meals, we buy them presents and bring your A game. Cause those kids are growing fast the time goes by just like a dynamite blast Calling astronauts and firemen Carpenters and muscle men get out and be the world to them Be the best dad you can be. Be the best dad you can be.

Hey dads, welcome to another episode of Dad Connections in 5—your go-to spot for five-minute ideas that help you build trust, connection, and lasting memories with your daughter. I'm Dr. Christopher Lewis, and today we're talking about one of the most powerful tools you have in your parenting toolbox:

Creating space for honest conversations—without judgment.

Let's face it—your daughter lives in a world full of pressure. She's trying to figure out who she is, what she believes, and where she fits. And as her dad, one of the greatest gifts you can give her is a safe space to talk about anything—without fear of being shamed, scolded, or shut down.

Let's walk through why this matters so much, and three practical ways you can create that kind of space—starting today.

When your daughter believes she can tell you the truth—about her fears, her mistakes, her dreams, her questions—without being judged or dismissed, she gains:

• A deep sense of security
• The courage to be her authentic self
• A trusted place to turn when life gets hard

And here's the thing: If you don't make that space, she'll go find it somewhere else. From friends, from the internet, from people who may not have her best interests at heart.

So let's make sure that Dad is the one she can come to first.

Let's say your daughter shares something that catches you off guard. Maybe she confesses a mistake, reveals something personal, or says something you strongly disagree with.

Your first reaction matters. A lot.

Instead of correcting, criticizing, or launching into a lecture, take a breath and respond with:

• "Thank you for telling me."
• "That must have been hard to share."
• "I'm here to listen—no judgment."

You're showing her: "This is a safe space. You don't have to be perfect here."

That doesn't mean there's never discipline or boundaries—but it means connection comes first.

Don't wait for big moments to start meaningful conversations. Build a rhythm where honesty is expected and welcomed.

• Talk about your own struggles from when you were her age.
• Admit when you don't have all the answers.
• Bring up real-life topics—friendship, stress, mistakes—casually, like during a drive or while making dinner.

The more you talk about real things consistently, the less intimidating it is when she needs to bring something hard to the table.

If she says something surprising—don't jump to conclusions. Ask open-ended questions that invite more, not less.

• "What made you feel that way?"
• "How long have you been thinking about this?"
• "What do you need from me right now—support, advice, or just someone to listen?"

When you lead with curiosity, you send the message: "I want to understand you, not change you."

That's what makes her feel truly heard—and that's what keeps her coming back to you.

Here's your challenge: Create a moment today where you invite honesty without judgment.

• Ask her: "What's something you've been thinking about lately but haven't said out loud?"
• Or say: "Just so you know, you can talk to me about anything—even if it's hard. I won't get mad—I'll listen first."

Say it. Mean it. Then prove it with how you respond.

Because the way you react now is what teaches her how safe it is to be real with you later—when the stakes are higher and the conversations are even more important.

That's it for today's Dad Connections in 5. If this episode reminded you of the power of presence over perfection, pass it along to another dad working to build that kind of trust with his daughter. Until next time—keep listening, keep learning, and keep being the safe space she needs.

Hey everyone, Chris here from The Dad and Daughter Connection podcast. Just a quick note to let you know that we're taking a brief break this week—there won't be a new episode dropping, and for good reason. I'm out west with my daughter, exploring some of the most beautiful places in the country—Bryce, Zion and Grand Canyon National Parks.

This trip is about more than just sightseeing. It's about being present—putting away the noise, stepping away from the routine, and really leaning into that one-on-one time that helps strengthen the bond between father and daughter. These are the moments we talk about on the show, and now I get to live one of them in real time.

I'll be back next week with a brand new episode, full of insight and inspiration. But in the meantime, I hope this reminds you to carve out some intentional time with your kids. You don't have to go to a national park—but show up, be present, and create memories that last a lifetime.

See you soon!

Hey dads, welcome to another episode of Dad Connections in 5—your five-minute boost of practical, meaningful advice to help you build a stronger connection with your daughter. I'm Dr. Christopher Lewis, and today we're diving into a part of parenting that's easy to overlook but full of opportunity:

Chores.

Yep—laundry, dishes, vacuuming. You might not think of them as bonding time, but trust me—when done right, chores can become a space for connection, collaboration, and even fun.

Let's flip the script and turn the daily grind into something that brings you closer together.

Chores aren't just about cleaning up—they're about:

• Building life skills
• Sharing responsibility
• Creating moments for conversation and teamwork

And when you approach chores as something you do together—rather than something she has to do because you said so—you create space for growth, confidence, and connection.

Instead of saying, "Go clean your room," try,

• "Let's see how fast we can both clean our spaces."
• "You take the kitchen, I'll take the living room—let's beat the clock!"

Set a timer. Add music. Cheer each other on. Make it a team effort instead of a solo punishment.

When she sees you jumping in alongside her, she feels respected—and that makes her more likely to participate willingly.

Music changes the whole vibe. Let her create a "cleaning playlist," or take turns picking songs. Sing along. Dance while folding laundry. Be goofy.

It may sound silly—but those are the memories that stick. The joy in the ordinary.

And if she laughs at your dance moves? Even better. You're showing her that work and play don't have to live in separate worlds.

Washing dishes together? Folding laundry side by side? These are great moments to ask simple questions like:

• "What's something you're looking forward to this week?"
• "What's one thing that made you laugh today?"
• "If we had a robot to do one chore forever, which one would it be?"

The chore gets done, and so does the connection. Win-win.

Here's your challenge: Pick one chore to do with your daughter this week—and make it a moment.

• Set a fun timer and race the clock
• Blast music and turn it into a dance party
• Ask one silly or thoughtful question while you work

Whatever it is, show her that chores aren't just work—they're shared time. A space where you show up together, take care of your home, and maybe sneak in a few laughs along the way.

Because it's not just about getting the job done—it's about how you show up while doing it.

That's it for this episode of Dad Connections in 5. If this helped you see dishes, dusting, or laundry in a new light, share it with another dad who's ready to turn the daily routine into a relationship-building moment.

Until next time—keep working side by side, keep having fun, and keep turning the everyday into something extraordinary.

If you're a father searching for ways to build a deeper, more meaningful relationship with your daughter, the latest episode of the Dad and Daughter Connection podcast is a must-listen. Host Dr. Christopher Lewis sits down with Rick Walker—business leader, father of three teenage daughters, and author of the upcoming book, Nine Steps to Build a Life of Meaning: How to Unlock Your Mind, Happiness, Power, and Your Enemy's Demise—for a powerful and honest conversation about the realities and rewards of fatherhood.

Throughout the episode, Rick shares invaluable insights not only from his professional life but, more importantly, from his lived experience as a dad. One of the central themes is the importance of truly being present. Rick describes making family dinners a priority, and how even simple rituals—like driving home from summer camp or sharing milkshake runs—can be crucial opportunities to listen and connect. He emphasizes the need to go beyond just showing up: "Attention is the only resource I have to offer," he says—highlighting that those everyday moments of real engagement are what matter most.

Rick also touches on the challenges of fatherhood: balancing guidance with allowing independence, recognizing each daughter's individuality, and pushing through discomfort during tough conversations. He admits that sometimes daughters will push their dads away, and it's up to us not to give up, but to keep returning, reaffirming our love, belief, and pride.

A particularly inspiring message from the episode is the idea that meaning often comes from confronting challenges. Drawing from his book, Rick discusses how fathers—and their children—grow through adversity, and why "avoiding an ounce of pain means drinking a gallon of regret." For dads feeling stuck, burnt out, or disconnected, he gently suggests that often, the thing you least want to face is where real growth—and renewed connection—can be found.

Practical advice abounds: tell your daughter daily that you're proud, that you love her, and that you believe in her. And, most importantly, let them see you strive not just in your career, but in being the kind of person you'd want them to choose as a partner one day.

If you're ready to laugh, reflect, and gather actionable wisdom for your own journey as a dad, be sure to check out this heartfelt episode of the Dad and Daughter Connection. It's a reminder that you don't have to walk this path alone—and that every father has the power to be the dad his daughter needs. Listen now and start building that lasting connection today!

If you enjoyed this episode, we ask you to take a moment to take our Dad and Daughter Connection Survey to let us know more about you as a dad. You can also sign up to get our newsletter to stay connected to our community, and we will send items of interest to you to help you to be the dad that you want to be. Feel free to follow me on the following social media platforms: Facebook, Facebook Group, Instagram, LinkedIn, X.

Rick's Book (9 Steps to Build a Life of Meaning): https://amzn.to/4nGYDFq

Rick's Newsletter: https://funnel.rickwalker.com/optin?utm_source=youtube&utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=hostlastname Rick on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@rickwalkertx Rick on X: https://x.com/RickWalkerTX Rick at Lumicre Private Equity: https://lumicre.com/ Rick's Website: https://www.rickwalker.com

TRANSCRIPT

Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]: Welcome to the dad and Daughter Connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters.

Rick Walker [00:00:12]: If you're looking to build a stronger bond with your daughter and help her grow into a confident, independent woman, you're in the right place. I'm Dr. Christopher Lewis, and the dad and Daughter Connection is the podcast where we dive into real stories, expert advice, and practical tips to help you navigate the incredible journey of fatherhood. In every episode, we'll bring you conversations that inspire, challenge, and equip you to show up as the dad your daughter needs. So let's get started, because being a great dad isn't just about being there. It's about truly connecting. Welcome back to the dad and Daughter Connection. I'm so excited that you are back again this week as we walk on this path together on this journey of raising amazing daughters.

Rick Walker [00:01:03]: And, you know, none of us have to walk on this path alone. It's so important that we're willing to put ourselves out there to be willing to learn and to listen and to hear the journeys of other fathers. Because as you and I both know, the journey of fatherhood is not always easy. There are challenges, there are bumps, and sometimes you can get some bruises along the way as well. But you can learn so much from other fathers and see what they're doing, take what they're doing, adapt it, adjust it, make it your own, and identify ways in which you can take that learning and turn it into something amazing that'll help you to be the dad that you want to be. That's why this podcast exists. We want to have amazing connections with our daughters, and that's not always going to be easy. We have to learn and grow along the way.

Rick Walker [00:02:05]: We have to better understand the journey that they're on. And that's why every week, every week, I love being able to have you here to be able to learn from other fathers. And that's why I bring someone new to you every week that allows for you to do just that. This week, we've got another great guest.

Christopher Lewis [00:02:21]: Who?

Rick Walker [00:02:21]: Rick Walker is with us. Rick is the author of a upcoming book called nine steps to build a life of meaning, how to unlock your mind, happiness, power, and your enemy's demise. And he is a renowned leader across multiple domains. He's been a founder CEO of a 400 employee company, and he scaled that up from there. And he also scaled a 2020 team member nonprofit into 53 countries as a chairman. So he's done a lot of stuff. But even beyond that, he is a Father of three daughters, three teenage daughters at that. And I am really excited to be able to not only talk to him about his upcoming book, but also to talk to him about his own journey as a father.

Rick Walker [00:03:08]: Rick, thanks so much for being here today.

Christopher Lewis [00:03:10]: Christopher, it's joy. Looking forward to our time together.

Rick Walker [00:03:12]: Well, I'm really excited that you're here today. And as I, as I said, you are a father of three daughters, and I always start these conversations with an opportunity to get to know you a little bit more as a father yourself, and especially a father of a daughter. As I said, that connection that we want to build is so important. And as you think back to the moments that you've had thus far in your life with your three daughters, what is one of the most meaningful moments that you've been able to share with your daughters thus far and what made it so special?

Christopher Lewis [00:03:41]: One of the more meaningful moments has been with my daughters whenever they would finish up that summer camp. And so we've always tried to make it a point of being there to pick them up from summer camp camp and drive them an hour home just to hear everything. And if you're a dad of a teenage daughter, what you know is you get one of two things. You either get the talkative girl when she's with her friends a lot of times, or you get the quiet one who's too cool to talk to mom and dad. But sometimes if you haven't seen them in a week and they've been through a lot and they're all together, you can get them to talk. And so just being able to listen to them and hear their stories after camp, after not seeing them for a week or so and them also not seeing their sisters for a week, that's always just been a joy. So we do that every year. But yeah, I do find that it's more difficult to get them to open up.

Christopher Lewis [00:04:25]: And those handful of times where we can get them to really open up unguarded, that's always a very meaningful time.

Rick Walker [00:04:31]: I said that you had three daughters, and I know they range in age from 12 to 17. And every father that has kids knows that your kids are not going to be duplicated of one another. They are very unique individuals. They have different personalities, and you have to come to understand who they are as individuals. Talk to me about, I mean, you're a busy guy, so talk to me about how have you been able to. To really identify those unique aspects of your own daughters to. And how have you been able to make those strong connections with each of your daughters individually so that you can have that connection that you want with each one of them.

Christopher Lewis [00:05:10]: Very early on I stumbled across the work of Dr. Meg Meeker, which I imagine you've probably spoken about her a number of times on your podcast and began reading some of her work. And some of the work was life changing. Just the idea that if I could find opportunities to be able to share with my daughter that I, I love them, that I'm proud of them, I believe in them, that that makes all the difference sometimes between a daughter that follows a winning path versus one that doesn't. And so that's always been a joy to be able to do that. And so from the time they were very young, I always encouraged them to try a number of things and we always would have them in one academic activity, one musical activity, and then one sports activity at least. And so having those three things going at the same time kept us very busy. But over the long term they eventually found one thing that they really loved or two things that they really love and it's helped them.

Christopher Lewis [00:05:57]: But the musical capacity we've always found. My wife and I were musicians, we've had musicians on my wife's side of the family. I have a bachelor's degree in music. I believe that music certainly helps children with their mathematical prowess as well as their ability to I guess, consider the imaginative aspects of the intellectual. And so we've made that a very strong priority in our kids upbringing. And we've got at least one of them that's pretty dedicated to her music. But then the sports also, the sports help develop the social and seeing them differentiating in the sports element, my 17 year old, she's a pre professional ballerina, so that is an art and a sport. The these girls, they've got more muscle mass than a lot of these high school football players do, but it's a lot of artistry too.

Christopher Lewis [00:06:37]: And so just trying to figure out where they are has been really impactful. And my wife and I, and then My daughter, my 12 year old, she's the rule follower and she can do anything. She can do academics, she can do sports, she can do music, she can do anything. And so we're excited about her, but she just has a natural gift to be able to get along with people. But trying to expose them to those three different areas from very young has given us a little bit of a glimpse of what they can and they can't do. And they've been able to convince themselves that they can excel in certain areas and they can sell in certain relationships dynamics.

Rick Walker [00:07:05]: As you're raising your daughters, you have to find that balance of being able to guide your daughters while also giving them the independence to become who they're becoming. Talk to me about what you've done to be able to do just that.

Christopher Lewis [00:07:20]: Yeah, so it's a trade off. And every child is different. We have one child who's very, very independent or middle one and she's in middle school. I wouldn't second guess leaving town, leaving her at home for a week by herself. I've never done that. But I wouldn't think twice about it because she's just, she's so independent. She has such high emotional intelligence and she just sort of figures stuff out. She's reliable.

Christopher Lewis [00:07:41]: But then we have other kids that, that they need to be engaged on a regular basis because they're more social creatures and they just don't do where do well in certain social environments with either a large number of people like a public high school or a small number of people. So you have to sort of find that mix there. But it's my objective to obviously get them acclimated to a wide variety of social structures and social environment. But they're not always to do that. Especially during these critical teenage years. You have other things emotionally and socially and even spiritually in play that us as men from what I found anyway, we just can't relate to that. And so my wife, she had to speak a lot of wisdom into those, those interactions over the past number of years.

Rick Walker [00:08:22]: What are some intentional ways that you've worked to strengthen your bond or your connection with your daughters, especially during challenging times.

Christopher Lewis [00:08:29]: So one of the things I read very early on was that what teenage daughters will do is they'll, they'll tend to push the dad away. They'll push them away at some see if he's going to come back for her. And if the dad doesn't come back for her, she begins to self reinforce this idea that I've got to go and find another man that's going to sort of fill that void. Not basically the father void, but just some sort of masculine type of presence in their lives. And so I've always been one that whenever they sort of push me away, I encourage them, but then I'll pursue them. They have to know that there's nothing that they're going to do that will get me to give up on them, to back down from my commitment to have a relationship with them and also to I guess not encourage them to be on a healthy path. Going forward. Obviously, we all make stupid decisions in our lives, with our lives, but there's also some.

Christopher Lewis [00:09:14]: There's also something special about having at least one person in the world that really believes in. In you unconditionally. And that's the role that I want to. I want to play. Not that I approve of every decision or every action, but I approve of the person themselves. And I believe that my daughters can be called higher into a better future than even they can imagine themselves to be in.

Rick Walker [00:09:33]: I know that as a father, I've made my share of mistakes along the way, and I think every father makes some mistakes along the way. What's a mist that you made as a father? And what did you learn about it? Not only about yourself, but about fostering positive connections and communication with your own daughters.

Christopher Lewis [00:09:51]: For me, anyway, I failed to listen to my gut a number of times. And whenever I didn't listen to my gut, and I thought, no, I'm just overthinking this. I'm over worrying what may or may not be happening. I made a grievous error to doing that over the years. And so what I believe is that obviously this child who is a part of me, that there is some sort of resonance there there. That whenever I suspect there's an issue there, I feel something kind of within my bones, that there's something that I need to address that when I don't address it, it's an offense to the gods, if you kind of get what I'm saying there. It's an offense to fathers everywhere that I need. It's my job to be proactive, not be reactive.

Christopher Lewis [00:10:27]: And so I've got to be proactively engaging in these relationships. And when I'm not, that always tends to be a failure in that situation. In the long run, eventually. But love is always a sacrifice. It's always a sacrifice. And you often will put yourself out there. You'll make that comment, you'll make that assertion. You'll call that that child to do something that she doesn't want to do.

Christopher Lewis [00:10:45]: And it's always fun.

Rick Walker [00:10:46]: No, it's not always fun. And I definitely hear you in that. What do you do intentionally to make your daughters feel valued and heard?

Christopher Lewis [00:10:54]: So, first of all, you've got to give them eye contact. The only thing that I have to offer anyone in the world's attention, that's the only thing I have to offer. That's the only resource in the entire world, is attention. And so if I can't give them eye contact and understand, let Them understand that I'm hearing what they're saying, I'm processing it and repeat it back for them, and they can correct me if I misunderstood. That is a great deal of it. The other thing is we try to do family dinners as often as possible. Obviously, we're scattered, doing all sorts of activities, and we can't do that every night because we've got everything going everywhere with sports and music and stuff. But and having a sort of a protected dinner time, protected family time around the table, that is really, really critical.

Christopher Lewis [00:11:32]: I suspect that if a man doesn't get his dinner table right and doesn't get his books right and he doesn't get his quiet time right, he can't get his life right. Like, those are the really only three, three things that matter in your life. And so focusing on the dinner table, focus on that time together is really important. And when you can't do that, hey, you know, I'm the chauffeur. I'm driving kiddos to practices and we're talking. Even though they're exhausted, I'm letting them know, hey, I saw you make this play. What if we did this next time? What is this person saying on the court? How can we encourage our team members? And then we also talk about their future? I've also found, I'm a big believer in Viktor Frankl's work, that if we can get people focused on their future and what their future self would want them to do in the present, well, then that gets to open up an entire world of opportunity for these girls. And it gets them off the idea that my present is the only thing that matters.

Christopher Lewis [00:12:14]: But, no, I've got a future self that has certain expectations of me now, and I have a responsibility to that future self.

Rick Walker [00:12:18]: I mentioned at the beginning that you're the author of an upcoming book, nine steps to build a life of meaning. How to unlock your mind, happiness, power, and your enemy's demise. And, you know, as I was looking and reading through the book, one of the questions that came to my mind is right at the beginning, you dedicate the book to your wife and daughters. How is being a father to three girls shaped your understanding of a life of meaning?

Christopher Lewis [00:12:42]: Pent up in the idea of meaning. And people often confuse purpose and meaning to be the same thing. Purpose is a. As a condition of meaning, oftentimes. But pent up in these ideas, you have this notion of relevance. And relevance has to do with endurance, this enduring presence that I want to leave behind to the world whenever I'm dead and Gone. And I suspect for me, the most important endurance or relevance that I'm going to leave behind to the world are these three daughters and their kids and their grandkids someday. And so if I want to live a life of meaning, I have to figure out how do I get the ideas and the beliefs that I have to endure in the long run, because only by their enduring can I have a chance that they'll be relevant long term.

Christopher Lewis [00:13:26]: Because I think it was Lewis that said this, and this is a common quote, you'll see Mother's Day some years on these cards. He said that it's not what you do, but who you raise that makes your life matter. It's not what you do, but who you raise that makes that makes your life matter. And I suspect most of us, that's the state. So it's not our jobs, it's not these hobbies that we have. It's not these grand podcasts that you and I host. It's not any of this stuff. It's our kids, and they're sitting there.

Christopher Lewis [00:13:51]: That's the irony of life. The most important things are the most obvious things that you most want. And most tend to snub because they're just so commonplace. They're there all the time. They ignore you all the time, but those are the most important things. And our kids, man, the kids. If my kids don't love me and I don't love my kids, none of this other stuff matters.

Rick Walker [00:14:08]: Also in the book, you talk about picking a worthy enemy. How does that principle show up in your parenting, especially when guiding daughters through challenges in today's world?

Christopher Lewis [00:14:19]: So the book is primarily written towards men that are in the midst of this meaning crisis. This is the group of men that are sort of 25 to 45, sometimes up to 50, that don't have a worthy purpose of their lives. They don't know what they want to do. And guys like me, coming out of the business world, we always tell people to pick a goal instead of vision, and let's work the objectives and the tactics to get back to that. Let's accomplish your goals. But men that don't have a vision of what the future could possibly be, they don't have any goals. And it's impossible for us to tell them to go do something, to be something where they can't even envision a world with goals. And so my argument in the book for pick one worthy enemy is that you need something that breaks your heart.

Christopher Lewis [00:14:55]: You need something that's worth giving your life for. Some Evil to overcome in the world. And there's evil manifesting all around us. You look at pornhub, you look at the children that have been just taken completely advantage of on that platform. Well, a man giving up his life to go fight against that manifestation of evil, well, that's a worthy cause because you're protecting people, you're protecting innocents who can't defend themselves. So we look for worthy enemies. And that pursuit against the worthy enemies is what gives us not only the energy that we need to go out and try some stuff, because that's the main issue, is we're not trying. We don't have goals, we don't try.

Christopher Lewis [00:15:26]: But we need the energy. And we find that cause that problem that just shatters our heart that will give us the energy. And somehow, I don't know how it happens, but we get sort of a divine onslaught of resources to help us in that fight. We find friends that want to help us in that fight, and we can begin building coalitions and purposes. And so it starts small with our daughters. It starts on the lacrosse field, on the soccer field, it starts on the basketball court. How are we going to overcome this 10 point deficit? What are you going to call forth out of your teammates? What are you going to do on the defensive end so that you can have an offensive upset? This is the way that I've got to talk to my daughters. Because if I don't give them that level of pursuit, if I don't give that mentality that they can overcome their challenges, what kind of man are they going to marry? Look, the type of man that they're going to be looking for without that sort of mentality is a weak, defeated man who's used to losing.

Christopher Lewis [00:16:11]: No, I want my daughters focused on winning, overcoming challenges, realizing that there's failures, there's very real failures in life, but those are overcomeable as long as you have one breath left.

Rick Walker [00:16:21]: I know you just talked about that target audience for the book, and I'm going to say that a lot of dads, especially in that target audience, some of those dads, feel stuck either in a job that they don't love or routines that feel, I'll say, hollow. Based on the nine steps that you list in the book, what's the first step that a father should take when he realizes he's lost his sense of purpose.

Christopher Lewis [00:16:44]: You need to take a step. You need to make a move. And that move may be trying to discover what really breaks your heart. And I hate to really simplify it like that, but. But what angers you that you see out in the world? It may be something you see in your children's school, maybe something you see in the school district, maybe in a local church, your local synagogue. It may be something that you have around you, but it may be some sort of societal issue or some online issue. Just start working against that. And the more evil that problem is, the more divine the energy you accrue fighting against it.

Christopher Lewis [00:17:14]: I mean, the purpose of the light is invade the darkness. The purpose of the good man is invade the evil. It's. This is the way that the nature of the world works. If you want to be a good man, you want to be a man that has definition, purpose and pursuit and energy, you got to combat that which is not good. I mean, it's that simple. So we're looking around for something, and I would put a cap on it. I would say I'm going to identify something in the next two weeks.

Christopher Lewis [00:17:34]: And Sunday night at this time, this is what I'm going on. And I'm going to give it until this happens. And you've got to leave it out on the field. As they told us when we were growing up, you got to give it your all. And I'm not saying you ignore your family, I'm not saying you ignore your job to do this, but you've got to find something that you can pick up a bit of passion out of. Just a bit of passion, just a bit of energy. And that bit of energy will give you the spark that you need, need help the other steps fall in place. But we've got to pick up an idea about what's possible.

Christopher Lewis [00:18:02]: What difference I can make? Once you have an idea about what difference you can make, you have a potential for relevance.

Rick Walker [00:18:06]: Also in the book, you say that aiming low is the only sin. How can fathers aim higher in their everyday lives? Especially when they're exhausted, they're overwhelmed, or they're just feeling like they're trying to keep their head above water?

Christopher Lewis [00:18:20]: The widest mind looks into the most distant future for the most valued reward that he can purchase with the currency of the present. Let me repeat that. The wisest mind. This is the wisest father. The wisest mind looks into the most distant future for the most valuable reward that he can purchase with the currency of the present. And what you have in the present is your time and your attention. And so you've got to figure out what in the future is worth you giving your only life for. And it's not something that's lower than what you have, you have kids, you've got daughters around you, you've got people that you can call forth more out of.

Christopher Lewis [00:18:51]: You can say these difficult things. If you're not used to talking to your daughters like this, all it takes is or three times, you have to be prepared to be uncomfortable in that, in that conversation and just blurt it out, say, hey, I believe in you, I love you, I trust you, and know that you're going to have a commanding future. Or ask them questions like this, like, what would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? Or think about your most perfect ideal future self? And what would that perfect future self tell you to do? Ask reflective questions about the future to your daughters. And it's going to be uncomfortable the first three, four, five times you do it. But the more you do it, the more easier it gets and the more the relationship grows and it becomes one of trust, not just one of immediacy and putting out fires.

Rick Walker [00:19:29]: You also say in the book, no joy requires pain. For dads who are numb, burnt out, or emotionally disconnected, how can they reconnect with that joy? Even if it hurts first, you have.

Christopher Lewis [00:19:42]: To say the things that you least want to say. It's that passing comment that you thought you should have said five years ago to your wife, I'm sorry for ignoring you, or your wife, I'm sorry for going to golfing with the boys, or I'm sorry for drinking so much. It's those little things, those little steps of humility. Because what you least want to do is the thing you most need to do next. What you least want to do right now is the thing that you most need to do next. And it is that immediate pain of doing the thing that you've been putting off, the thing that your, your mind and your comfort have been enslaving you to preserve. It's that thing that's keeping you from your future. That's what.

Christopher Lewis [00:20:18]: That's what it is. And it's that pain. If you can get rid of that pain and comfort is the number one pain, one or one thing that pain is protecting or that your comfort's protecting, it's protecting you against pain. If you can burst through that, then you've got a little bit of a glimmer of joy. But as long as you don't do the things you know you should be doing, your life is a lie. And so we've got to say the things we know we're expected to say the same things we've been talking about the last few Minutes, the encouragements, the love, the support, the belief in. I'm proud of you. Tell your wife she looks beautiful.

Christopher Lewis [00:20:47]: I mean, I don't care how crappy your marriage is. Tell her she looks lovely. Tell her that she is. Is the most amazing, whether she is or not. And you're proud and you're honored to be in this with her. I mean, say the most difficult thing. The worse your marriage is, the more you need to say it and the more you need to. To live like you mean it.

Christopher Lewis [00:21:04]: Whether you mean it or not is irrelevant at this point. We've got to say those important things that we've been holding back, because that is only the way that we can burst through the pain, burst through the comfort to get to joy on the other side.

Rick Walker [00:21:14]: So really, you know what I'm hearing, and I saw this in the book too, that you're talking about in some aspects that you have to make some sacrifices. And many men afraid in many ways to take that leap, leaping into something new, something that. That makes them sacrifice. The things that they feel are. Are the things that make them who they are, whether it's time or money or ego or whatever it might be. What does your book teach? Or what would you say to that person about embracing sacrifice as a path to meaning?

Christopher Lewis [00:21:46]: No one ever knows that you love them unless you sacrifice something to be with them. If I'm going to give my daughter her attention, that means I'm sacrificing the rest of the world for her. Everything else is a sacrifice to what I'm giving my attention to. And that's why attention connotates meaning. It means meaning. And that's what we've got to do. There's also sacrifices. Of the things that are useless in your life, you're doing a hundred useless things that have no upside whatsoever.

Christopher Lewis [00:22:11]: I can think about the golf with the buddies. I can think, for a lot of men, the drinking. Like, why are you going out and drinking two or three times a week? It has no upside. It only has catastrophic downside. Some of this stuff is just the most foolish thing you can imagine. Look, if you're taking an infinite downside risk for zero upside payout, that's kind of a foolish thing to do. That's a great thing to sacrifice and replace it with the thing you most need to do. And that what that thing you most need to do is give attention to someone who is committed to you and you're committed to and develop that relationship because all you have left after you die is your relationships.

Christopher Lewis [00:22:43]: That's all that you have. And so what we've got to do is try to figure out what are we sacrificing? Because you've already sacrificed your past. All your prior moments have been sacrificed to your present. This is all you've got. And all you're going to do is sacrifice a series of presences to be able to dictate and determine what your future is. And so we've got to realize we're living a life of sacrifice, whether you realize it or not. And what we sacrifice determines what we love, and what we love determines how relevant and how meaningful our lives will be. But everything worth keeping is worth sacrificing.

Christopher Lewis [00:23:13]: Nothing not worth keeping is worthy of offering everything you value is worthy of sacrificing to someone that is higher, to a future that's more distant and a reward that is better. Because anything you have now is always worth sacrificing for those relationships and the future that you want to see happen.

Rick Walker [00:23:33]: So inevitably, there's probably some dads that are listening right now that are feeling like they have failed. They failed in some aspect of their life. And whether it was at home or at work or with themselves. What would you tell him about redemption and legacy and starting again with meaning?

Christopher Lewis [00:23:54]: I failed a lot. In fact, whenever I try something new, I'm assuming I'm going to fail 99 times before it works. Once, I failed a lot. And this book is a story of my failures. Where I've. I've been devastated on national news, where I've had my love with my wife just completely shattered, where I've had all these failures. I had a surgery that went bad and just distorted my mind for many, many years. And I had all these things.

Christopher Lewis [00:24:18]: Things fail and just stupid things that I've done, just failure after failure. But what I've realized is the people that failed, those are the ones whose lives are actually interesting in the end. Those are the lives that have the potential to be redeemed out of this sort of muddy mire that they've been stuck in. And the redeemed man, in a world that's interested in stories, a redeemed man is more perfect than a man who's never needed to be redeemed. Because what we're saying is that a man who's lived a beautiful life and redemption is a beautiful act that if you're focused on telling a beautiful story with your. That redemption is the ultimate type of beauty and the ultimate type of story that you can tell with your life. And so the worse the man the higher the upside. It's not about the man who's always been good.

Christopher Lewis [00:24:59]: He got a little bit better. That's an interesting. That's not a story that anyone wants to hear. What I want to hear is about a man that's been in the depths of hell, that's made all the mistakes you could ever imagine, and he's bounced back from that. It's about the delta between your lowest point, your highest point, and where you in. And that delta is what matter. It's the contrast from where you were to where you're going, not the contrast of how good you are. And that little mediocre change that you made when you.

Christopher Lewis [00:25:25]: When you did this or did that. It's not about that. And so what life is. Life is just a string of failures with the occasional moment of perfection. It's just a string of failures with just an occasional moment of perfection. And however many moments of these of perfection that you can. You can get together in a life, that's what makes a life of relevance and a life of beauty and a story that people want to hear. And so for the men out there that have just been down on themselves, that have just made mistake after mistake, that just don't know how they're to come overcome it, and they just assume everything's lost, I can tell you that I understand where you've been.

Christopher Lewis [00:25:59]: I've made the catastrophic mistakes that many of you have made. And I can tell you there's hope. And let me convince you with this. I'm going to convince you literally that there's hope for you. That if a drop of hope exists, exists anywhere, it threatens all hopelessness everywhere. If a drop of hope exists anywhere in the world, it threatens all hopelessness everywhere. So my drop of hope that I have, I don't have a lot of hope. I've got a little of a drop of hope right now.

Christopher Lewis [00:26:23]: My drop of hope is now threatening your hopelessness right now. And you have a choice whether or not you're going to allow my hope to invade your hopelessness, whether you're going allowed my light to invade your darkness, that thing that you're trying to protect, that comfort that's enslaving your potential, and if you will allow my hope to invade the comfort now enslaving your potential, it'll be ripped away. It'll be ripped away. And you'll be able to see that there's a future and there's a hope, but you could never get there unless you believe hope is possible. You believe a Future is possible unless you believe that there is beauty rising out of the act of redemption. The man that turns himself around is more beautiful than the man that was always headed the right direction. That's not the story I want to hear. I want to hear story about a man that always had it together.

Christopher Lewis [00:27:03]: I want to hear about a man who confronts evil with good. I want to hear about a man who finds meaning out of meaninglessness. I want to figure out a way to hear a story about a man who takes his pain and inverts it to joy. That's what a real story is about. And if you want your kids and your grandkids to talk about you, that's the sort of life that you need to live.

Rick Walker [00:27:21]: So talk to me about how you have taken these nine concepts, these nine pieces from your book and how are you incorporating them into how you're raising your daughters.

Christopher Lewis [00:27:31]: They have to understand, and this is something, this is a job of me as a dad, is that we're going to have pain. We're going to have pain in our lives, we're going to pain in relationships and tragedy, we're going to pain the sicknesses. But a painless world would only birth joyless lives. A painless world would only birth joyless lives. And so if I can encourage them to look at that spread, to look at that spread between pain and joy, that the broader that is, the higher the joy is, then they can see that there's hope for them even in their downfall, even in their tragedy, even in these, these moments that teenage girls just assume, which is the worst thing, and it's unsalvageable. They have to understand that there's a mechanism that, where they can be able to tell more beautiful, more lovely story with their lives. And these are lessons that they're going to teach their own kids, their own grandkids one day. These are all just learning opportunities for them and even for us.

Christopher Lewis [00:28:19]: But I've got to convince my kids, and you've got to convince your kids as well, the listeners do, that there is hope on the other side of pain. And the way that we get, we, we get there is we got to convince ourselves and we got to convince our kids that whenever we see a threat, there's always an opportunity on the other side. In fact, that's what defines a wise person. Not only that they look in the most distant future for the most maximal reward, but that they see threats and they figure out a way to turn them into opportunity. And so if we realize that every threat we see is an opportunity. Every pain is a potential joy. And we're able to ingrain that in our mind. Then we begin to see that there's hope on the other side of the darkness.

Rick Walker [00:28:55]: Now, if your daughters were to describe you using one of the nine steps from your book, which step would they say that you live out the most? And which one would they say you're still working on?

Christopher Lewis [00:29:07]: They know dad can be just absolutely brutal with someone who tries to come after one of my kids or someone that I love. The the first rule, pick one worthy enemy. They know that dad can just be utterly savage if he needs to be. Obviously you never turn that aggression in where that's for protecting your inner circle, those you love from the exterior. But one of the difficulties in that I found is that we have to set forth the difference between an enemy and a counterparty. A counterparty is not an enemy. A counterparty is someone that you're negotiating with. You'll be able to operate in a good faith effort to be able to find a winnable outcome for both parties as much as possible.

Christopher Lewis [00:29:44]: But an enemy, you don't negotiate with enemies, you destroy enemies. And so I think, I think if my kids had to say one thing, they know that dad loves a good fight, but it's got to be worthy enemy. It's not just a counterparty.

Rick Walker [00:29:56]: You've also, you've advised presidents, you've led nonprofits across the 50 states and countries. And yet you also do ballet drop offs and milkshake runs and other things that a dad would do. What's the most unexpected place you found wisdom about being a dad?

Christopher Lewis [00:30:12]: I found this book about daddy daughter dates. I forgot who wrote the book, but it was like 100 daddy daughter date ideas. And I kept this book on one of my tables in my office for years. I would pick it up and thumb through it maybe once a week and try to find an idea. When the kids were young and they had this, this one date idea where you would leave the house and your daughter would have a quarter and she would flip a quarter. If it's heads, you turn right tells you turn left and you'd side in advance how many flips you would do. So you would do eight, nine, ten flips. Well, you can be a long way from your house if you're doing 10 flips.

Christopher Lewis [00:30:40]: But the rule is you have to eat dinner together at the nearest place that serves food. And oftentimes it's a gas station. It's just a gas station. And so this idea that you can have Fun would just complete and utter nonsense sense. That's something that has been useful in the past. It is still useful today that we can just do stuff, just to do stuff, just because we're goofing around together. And that's been something because I'm not naturally a playful person and that's helped me let the guard down, hear from my daughters about what's really going on in their lives, what's what they're saying. And obviously we don't get to do that as much as we used to back in the old days with all the activities and stuff.

Christopher Lewis [00:31:15]: But it takes, it takes different forms. Takes different forms. Listen to silly music, watching silly videos together in these milkshake runs. These milkshake runs are fantastic. If you, if you've never been do a chick fil a after, let's say 7:30 any night of the week. It's an entirely milkshake business. It's milkshake and fries after 7:30. And there will be a run on the milkshake machine.

Christopher Lewis [00:31:33]: You'll find 20 cars lined up and everyone's getting milkshakes. And that's part of the deal. So you got to figure out a way how to have these little routines, these little rituals in with the family, wherever you can fit them. And that's been one of the useful things, these daddy daughter days and sort of these playful times of just complete, utter nonsense.

Rick Walker [00:31:47]: Now we always finish our interviews with what I like to call the dad connection. 66 more questions to delve into you as a dad. Are you ready?

Christopher Lewis [00:31:55]: Yeah.

Rick Walker [00:31:55]: What's one word that describes your relationship with your daughters?

Christopher Lewis [00:32:00]: Productive.

Rick Walker [00:32:01]: What's the best piece of dad advice that you've ever received?

Christopher Lewis [00:32:05]: Tell them you're proud of them every day.

Rick Walker [00:32:07]: What's one activity that you and your daughters love doing together? Going to eat Mexican food and then getting shakes afterwards.

Christopher Lewis [00:32:14]: Oh, absolutely. You got to get a shake afterwards. Yeah.

Rick Walker [00:32:16]: Now, if you could give your daughters one life lesson in a single sentence, what would you leave with them?

Christopher Lewis [00:32:22]: Avoiding an ounce of pain. You will drink a gallon of regret.

Rick Walker [00:32:26]: What's one thing you've learned about yourself since becoming a dad?

Christopher Lewis [00:32:30]: That if I want my daughters to marry someone who I believe is worthy, I've got to be prepared to act like that most worthy example for them. Because they're not going to marry someone that's too far away from how good or how bad a father I want.

Rick Walker [00:32:47]: Now, you've given a lot of pieces of advice today, a lot of ideas for men for fathers to think about and to incorporate into their own lives. As we finish up today, what advice would you give to other dads who want to build a lasting and meaningful relationship with their daughters?

Christopher Lewis [00:33:03]: Tell them the things that they need to hear and make it every day and make it uncomfortable to hear. Sometimes it'll sound like routine. But if you let them know, I'm proud of you, I believe in you. You're awesome. I love you. If you haven't told your daughter I love you, some other man will. But he won't mean it. And he'll tell it for a different reason that you won't like.

Christopher Lewis [00:33:21]: So tell your daughters that you love them. Tell them that you're proud of them. Tell them that you believe in them. They need to hear those three things from you every single day. And if we can give them those ideas that they're loved, they're believed in, and there's someone out there that's proud of them. Oh, and he just happens to be the only man who they were born in the world to be in relationship with for as long as he lives. Well, that's just a side benefit, but we've got to get our daughters used to hearing and believing the things that will uphold them going forward and the things that confirm their identity in such a secularizing culture that we live in now.

Rick Walker [00:33:56]: Well, Rick, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for all that you've been sharing today. If people want to find out more about you about the book, where should they go?

Christopher Lewis [00:34:03]: So my website is rickwalker.com rickwalker.com and I send out a newsletter about every one or two weeks is a three, two one model. So you get three bangers. So these quotes that I've been dropping, you get three of those, I call them bangers. And then I'll give you two videos. So one will be teaching for the most part, another one will be an interview and then the third thing I'll give you is either an essay or some reflective questions to think about. So either a long form essay or reflective question. These are big idea essays or big idea thoughts. Those are the best things.

Christopher Lewis [00:34:31]: The book is available beginning July 5, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Walmart, anywhere you buy your book books and you can actually pre order it right now. So Kindle ebook. I just wrapped up the audiobook yesterday so that'll be available for pre order as well and hardback and paperback.

Rick Walker [00:34:46]: And I will put links in the notes today so you can check out this book for yourself. And Rick, again, thank you, thank you for all that you've shared today for what you're putting out into the world to help other men to be able to live that life of meaning that we've been talking about. And I truly wish you all the best.

Christopher Lewis [00:35:04]: Christopher, thank you so much for having me. I really enjoyed our time together. That's a wrap for this episode of the dad and Daughter Connection. Thanks for joining us on this journey to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters. Remember, being an engaged dad isn't about being perfect, it's about being present. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe and share it with a fellow dad. And don't forget, you can find all our episodes@dad dadanddaughterconnection.com until next time, keep showing up, keep connecting, and keep being the dad she needs. We're all in the same boat and it's full of tiny screaming passengers we.

Rick Walker [00:35:49]: Spend the time we give the lessons.

Christopher Lewis [00:35:55]: We made make the meals we buy them presents and bring your A game Cause those kids are growing fast the time goes by just like a dynamite blast Calling astronauts and firemen Carpenters and muscle men get out and be the world to them Be the best dinosaur you can be Be the best dad you can.

Hey dads, welcome back to Dad Connections in 5—where in just five minutes, we give you real, practical ways to stay connected with your daughter, no matter her age. I'm Dr. Christopher Lewis, and today we're talking about a question every dad eventually asks: "How do I keep my daughter talking to me as she gets older?"

You know how it goes—when she's little, she can't stop talking. She wants to tell you about her day, her dreams, her favorite color five times in one hour. But then, things change. She gets older. More independent. And sometimes… quieter.

But here's the good news: You can stay close. You can keep the conversations going. And today, I'll show you how.

Staying connected through conversation isn't just about knowing the details of her day—it's about: ✅ Keeping the door open for deeper topics ✅ Building trust so she turns to you when things get hard ✅ Letting her know: "Dad is always a safe place to land."

The habits you build now shape whether she'll come to you later—when it really counts.

This sounds simple, but it's powerful. When your daughter shares something—big or small—pause, stay present, and just listen. Avoid jumping in with advice, correction, or distraction.

Say things like:

• "That sounds frustrating. Tell me more."
• "What did you think when that happened?"
• "I'm really glad you told me."

When she sees that you won't interrupt, judge, or fix, she learns that you're someone she can come back to again and again.

If every conversation feels like an interrogation, she'll shut down. So, make talking part of your daily rhythm—not something formal.

• Use car rides, bedtime, walks, or dinner as natural check-in moments.
• Keep your tone relaxed, your questions open, and your attention full.
• Don't force it—sometimes the best conversations happen when you're doing something else together (like cooking, shooting hoops, or running errands).

She's more likely to open up when it doesn't feel like a spotlight is on her.

As she grows, her interests will change. Music, shows, social media, hobbies—you might not always understand them. But if you dismiss them, you might also miss your chance to connect.

• Ask her what she's into
• Watch a show she likes and talk about it
• Ask for her playlist recommendations
• Be genuinely curious, even if it's not your thing

When you stay interested in her world, she's more likely to invite you in.

Here's your challenge: Today, ask one open-ended question—and just listen. No judgment. No fixing. No distractions.

Try something like:

• "What was the funniest thing that happened today?"
• "If you could plan our weekend, what would we do?"
• "What's something you wish adults understood better?"

Then—just be present. Be quiet. Let her talk. And show her with your silence that her voice matters.

Because keeping your daughter talking to you as she grows isn't about saying the perfect thing—it's about being consistently safe, curious, and available. And when she knows she can talk to you about the small stuff, she'll trust you with the big stuff too.

That's it for today's Dad Connections in 5. If this episode reminded you of how powerful your presence can be, share it with another dad who's working to stay close as his daughter grows up. Until next time—keep listening, keep showing up, and keep letting her know that Dad is always ready to talk.

Parenting is a continual journey, one that evolves as our children grow and as we, too, learn new ways to connect with them. This week on the "Dad and Daughter Connection" podcast, Dr. Christopher Lewis sits down with Dr. Eran Magen—father, relationship expert, and creator of the Parenting for Humans and Divorcing Dads resources—for a heartfelt and refreshingly honest conversation about fatherhood, connection, and resilience.

Presence Over Perfection

One of the central themes of the episode is the power of presence. Eran shares that being fully present—and putting away distractions, especially digital ones—lays the groundwork for genuine connection. Whether through playful activities like acro yoga or watching a favorite show together, the focus isn't on orchestrating perfect moments, but on truly showing up for our kids, time and time again.

Respect and Emotional Safety

Eran emphasizes treating children with deep respect, validating their feelings, and giving them true space to express themselves. Instead of rushing to fix problems or dismissing their emotions, he advocates for really listening—even paraphrasing back what they've shared—to make sure they feel heard and understood. This builds not only trust but helps children develop a positive, self-compassionate inner voice that stays with them for life.

Connection Before Correction

Drawing from his work at ParentingForHumans.com, Eran introduces the concept of prioritizing connection over correction. When the bond between parent and child is strong, discipline becomes less about control and more about collaboration. It's about building relational habits—like kindness, presence, and respect—into everyday life, so that challenges are easier to navigate when they arise.

Navigating Divorce and Co-Parenting

For fathers navigating separation or divorce, Eran offers wisdom and hope. He urges dads not to let shame or fear of disconnection hold them back from seeking support, or from fighting for meaningful time with their children. Even in limited circumstances, quality of presence trumps quantity—being truly engaged makes all the difference.

Whether you're a dad seeking fresh ideas, a parent amid big transitions, or simply someone passionate about fostering strong family relationships, this episode is an inspiring listen. Tune in for practical tips, honest stories, and compassionate advice that will help you nurture lasting bonds—one present moment at a time.

Ready to be inspired? Listen now to the full conversation on the "Dad and Daughter Connection" podcast!

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TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]: Welcome to the dad and Daughter Connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:12]: If you're looking to build a stronger bond with your daughter and help her grow into a confident, independent woman, you're in the right place. I'm Dr. Christopher Lewis and the dad and Daughter Connection is the podcast where we dive into real stories, expert advice, and practical tips to help you navigate the incredible journey of fatherhood. In every episode, we'll bring you conversations that inspire, challenge, and equip you to show up as the dad your daughter needs. So let's get started. Because being a great dad isn't just about being there. It's about truly connecting. Welcome back to the dad and Daughter Connection.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:05]: Welcome back to the dad and Daughter Connection, where every week I love being able to talk to you about this connection that you want to build with your daughters. And we do that every week because it is a process. This journey that you're on is going to be one where you're going to have to learn, you're going to have to grow, you're going to have to be willing to be open to finding new ways to build that relationship day by day. Because as your daughter grows, you can't just think that one way of doing things is going to happen and stay the same. You got to keep adjusting and being there, being engaged and helping your daughter one step at a time and being engaged and connected to your daughter in so many ways throughout their life. That being said, that's why every week I bring you different guests, different people with different experiences to help you along this journey, to give you some tools for your toolbox and to allow for you the opportunity to learn and grow, to be able to find new ways to build those stronger connections and to leave every episode with an opportunity to be able to start something new from the end of that episode on. This week we got another great guest. Dr.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:28]: Aran McGinn is with us today. And Aron is someone that, as he says, he believes in relationships, believes in people and helps people to have better relationships. Perfect fit for you as a dad with a daughter. He's also a father of a son, so we're going to be talking about his own journey being a father. He's been working with individuals for quite a few years and most recently he's been created two new resources that are definitely going to help you as a dad. He has a site by the name of Parenting for Humans as well as divorcingdads.org we're going to talk about both of these resources and some things that may help you along the way, depending on your own situation and where you're at. And I'm really excited to have him here today. Aron, thanks so much for being here.

Eran Magen [00:02:18]: My great pleasure. Thank you for inviting me on.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:21]: Well, it is my pleasure having you here. And as I said, you are a father of a son and I am really excited to be able to delve a little bit into you as a dad to get to know you and your own journey. I guess as you think back to the time that you've had with your son thus far, what's one of the most meaningful moments that you've been able to share with him and what made it so special?

Eran Magen [00:02:41]: I'm glad you want to talk about my son, because it's my favorite topic. And, you know, if we don't watch ourselves, we're going to have the podcast equivalent of me showing you every photo of my son except an audio version that I have. I'm. I'm one of those people. There are a lot of good moments. The most recent, I'll go with the most recent that, like, stood out to me, which was really fun. And then I'm happy to scan backwards, if you want, and come up with even better ones. I do a thing called acro yoga, and Acroyoga has very little to do with yoga and more to do.

Eran Magen [00:03:04]: Like, sometimes people call it partner acrobatics. It's when. When people balance on each other. And a lot of parents do this with their kids, right? The parent lies down on his or her back, and the kid is on the parent's feet, sort of belly down, arms forward, Superman, right? Like, we. We all do this with our kids, but it gets much more sophisticated, and you can do many more interesting things. People can sit on other people or stand on other people or flip around on other people and so on. And you can do it with grownups, and you can do it with kids, obviously. And it's easier with kids because they're little, alert.

Eran Magen [00:03:31]: And so this is something that I've been doing with my son since he was little, and we do it a little bit. I kind of wish he was super into it and he's kind of into it, but he's the most into it when he can show off to other people, when it's just the two of us. He's like, I don't know if I need to do it right now. But we were playing soccer in his school after I picked him up, and we're playing with another kid that often plays with us there. And then my son went off and did something else. And in the meantime, I was doing some acro yoga with this other kid, introducing him to it, and his mom, who was there and consented to the whole thing. And my son ran back and really wanted to do some acro to show the other kid that he knows more. That was very motivating for him.

Eran Magen [00:04:06]: And then we did, and it was fun. But then the next day we came out, and it was sort of the first day of spring here in Connecticut, and we. We just stepped out to the yard, and out of nowhere, my son says, dad, do you want to do some acro yoga? Do you want to practice? And my heart just Expanded. It was just so nice because he, he, you know, I didn't suggest it, I never mentioned it, but it was sort of back on his mind. And it's just so nice to feel like our kids are into things that we're into and they want to spend time together doing those things. That was a really fun moment, but they're just thousands of these stories. This is the most recent. I keep a spreadsheet that I made when he was born.

Eran Magen [00:04:36]: When he was born, I did two things. I created an email inbox for him, which I occasionally write to things that I can't say now that he wouldn't understand. So I write stuff that I want to tell him, letters for later, and I'll give him the login credentials when he's. Or 18 or something. And the other thing I did is start this spreadsheet called Milestones and Memories and First Times. And I just sit down and write stuff that happened every once in a while. So I have like this long list that I can go through and see the things that were exciting for me. When he was 2, when he was 4, when he was 6.

Eran Magen [00:05:04]: It's really fun. And this is one of those moments.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:06]: As your son is getting older and you are trying to guide him and work to be able to mold and meld him into the adult that he is becoming, how do you balance guiding your son while also giving him the independence to grow into his own person?

Eran Magen [00:05:23]: I think my job is mostly to provide kind of safety and nourishment and let him grow where he grows. I'm not trying too hard to move him one way or another. I'm vegan, for example. I don't insist on him being vegan. Not my job, not his problem. I keep my home vegan because it's more comfortable for me. But if he really wants to bring something into that, we're in the supermarket and we'll buy stuff and he really wants to get something that isn't, that's fine. Then we will.

Eran Magen [00:05:47]: Certainly, if we're out in the world and he wants to get something or word a party and he wants to eat a thing, everybody eating totally fine. And so I'm not trying exactly to mold him into anything. I'm trying to provide good supports for him as he grows into things. There's a little bit of a gray line, right? Because if I see him kind of starting to spin out about something, be really anxious about something in a way that I think is not necessary, I'll try to help him figure out ways to not be upset about it. And so is that molding? I sometimes ask myself. Yeah, but it feels very kind of benevolent and not coercive. You know, this. This feels more like me removing roadblocks than forcing him to go down a specific path.

Eran Magen [00:06:24]: And so I really think there are many ways to describe the job of parent, and many people have lots of ideas about what those jobs are. I think they're probably all true. I think one of the most important parts of being a parent, one of the most important jobs, is creating the voice that kids have inside their head, how they talk to themselves, because that voice will stay on for many, many years. And changing that voice requires a huge amount of therapy. And so that, to me, is a very, very important part of what I think about as a parent. How I hear him talking to himself and helping him adjust that voice. I'm not trying to tell that voice what to tell him to do. Right.

Eran Magen [00:06:56]: It's more how he relates to himself. So in a real sense, one of my primary jobs is making sure he has a good relationship with himself. What he grows up to be is up to him.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:07:04]: What are some intentional ways you've worked to strengthen your bond with your son, especially during challenging times?

Eran Magen [00:07:11]: I would divide the ways into two big categories. I think one is just helpful habits, and the other is maybe specific events or specific things in time. The most important habit by far is bringing my full presence. Right. My phone is away. My phone is often on do not disturb. It's 100% focus on him when I'm with him. And I think that makes an enormous difference.

Eran Magen [00:07:31]: He's not orbiting. We do stuff together. And when we're not doing stuff together, then we're not. Then we're doing stuff separately. But if we are connecting, I'm fully there. I'm not splitting my attention. And I think that's enormously important. The other thing that I do, I don't want to make it sound like I am the first person to do this or the first to have thought about it, but I just think it's so important, is I communicate with him with great respect.

Eran Magen [00:07:55]: I treat him as a person, not as a soldier or a servant or an ignorant person or any of those things. If he has a question or if he has a thought, we really discuss it for as long as he wants to, basically. And when I see that he's starting to look in different directions and is getting antsy, then we'll go do something else. Like, we don't have to belabor the point, but really taking Very seriously. His thoughts, his questions, his ideas, his opinions, they really count. So these are all things that I would put in the relational habits bucket in terms of the, like, more specific things that I do to strengthen the bond. We really do a lot of this stuff together. So for example, videos, YouTube, you know, or shows on Netflix or whatever, we watch those things together and we'll talk about them.

Eran Magen [00:08:37]: It's a big part of what we talk about later. And I think it's helpful to help him process and understand what he saw and what his opinion is and whatever. But I don't just like send him off to watch a thing and then we do our next thing. A lot of this kind of activity is something that, that we'll do together and it creates a huge amount of shared language and shared jokes and shared things. We also do just a lot of activities together. I'm into a lot of stuff and I'll offer these things to him and if it's of interest to him, then we'll do it and we'll go, you know, ice skating or practice proto jiu jitsu on the carpet or cook together or whatever, whatever it is. But a lot of time and a lot of shared activities. So I think this combination of doing lots of stuff that we both enjoy together and being very respectful of his preferences and opinions and thoughts and questions and ideas, and interacting him as though he's an actual person and not less of a person than I am.

Eran Magen [00:09:26]: These are probably the main columns supporting the relationship.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:09:29]: What's a mistake that you've made as a father and what did you learn from it about fostering a positive connection?

Eran Magen [00:09:37]: There are a couple of things. I remember where I noticed my son having difficulties with some things. And I thought, ah, the world will correct this. I don't need to step in. And that's sort of a, I don't know, call it like a general tendency that I have. I guess in some contexts it's good, in some contexts it's bad but. Or helpful and unhelpful rather. I guess.

Eran Magen [00:09:53]: But I tend to wait until stepping in and intervening with something and often that's a good thing. Like, you know, a lot of parents are really worried about their kids still using a pacifier when they're X months old or. And I've never seen a kid in college with a pacifier in his mouth. You know, like these things tend to work themselves out, but people can get super worried. And so I'm usually of the opinion that like the world will fix this. We just give it time and this will work out. But there are some things where he really had difficulty, and I waited too long to step in and do what I would consider a more significant intervention. Right.

Eran Magen [00:10:27]: Like some kinds of. I want to be mindful of my son's privacy as well, because in 60 years, when he chooses to do something, or in 40 years or 20 years, you know, somebody digs up, the podcast says, oh, you used to do this thing. So I'm actually. I'm very mindful of the privacy of kids in sessions that I do, including, I guess, when I'm interviewed. This is the first time that I'm talking about this. But he had some social challenges that he was going through and were noticeable to me. And I thought, oh, the world will polish this off. This will be okay.

Eran Magen [00:10:53]: And I think it was like, it. It required some sort of a more thoughtful, intentional intervention that eventually the school recommended, and then we did. And I think it's been very helpful and not. Not too hard. We didn't catch it super late. Like, no crisis resulted, but I could have done it earlier. I felt sad for not doing it, because it just would have made, I think, life a little easier for him during those, I don't know, two, three years. And now there's something that there's a pathway that got laid down that was not the most helpful.

Eran Magen [00:11:20]: And changing something and undoing something is always harder than it is just correcting course earlier on. So I don't know if this is exactly answering your question in terms of, like, a relational mistake, but this is a parenting mistake that I feel that I made and learned from.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:33]: No, it definitely does. And I think that, I mean, learning that is definitely something that all of us have to do along the way as well. Is there anything that you intentionally do to make your son feel valued and heard?

Eran Magen [00:11:45]: There are a few things that I do. And really, a lot of how I relate to my son is in service of making him feel valued and heard. And so I'm trying to pick out the more specific things that I do because a lot of this is on my mind, kind of ongoing. How do I make sure that he feels like he has a voice? And so a few things that I can say when he's upset about something. I remember this when he was two, and I remember this two weeks ago when he was seven and a half. I don't shut down the upset. I spend some time, a good deal of time, letting him express the upset, and I'm still comforting him during the process. But I don't say it's not a problem.

Eran Magen [00:12:19]: I don't say, you know, stop crying. I don't say, you know, I ask him to explain what happened and what was so upsetting. And I'll kind of sit in it with him and I'll paraphrase and say it back and so on. But I'm not trying to shut it down or fix it too quickly. And I think that's really important because I've seen him develop this habit of as a result, I believe, of when something upsetting or surprising or scary happens, he'll have the reaction, but then he'll narrate the process back to me and sort of calm himself down as he more or less immediately gains an understanding of this story and what made him upset. I think that's been really useful. But I think just in general, it's a nice thing for people to do with one another, right? Not shut down the upset, but rather sit with it for a little bit and sit in it together. His opinions really matter.

Eran Magen [00:12:57]: If he suggests things that didn't occur to me, I'll consider them really seriously. He's at this point, he's suggested some ideas for not just ways to spend a day, but like a vacation destination or a totally new activity that we've never done that he just heard about from a friend, and that becomes a real thing. We'll research it together a little bit, and if it seems appealing, we'll go and give it a try. So he really gets to to lead when he wants to, or at least suggest directions, and then I'll operationalize it. But he has a real voice and a real say in how we spend time individually and as a family.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:13:30]: Now, I mentioned at the beginning that you have a few different resources that are available. You have your parentingforhumans.com website as well as divorcingdads.org and both of those were created not only to help others like yourself that were going through similar things, but also in your work and your engagement with people and seeing the need. You expanded that. And there are a couple of questions that came up when I looked at both of these sites. And I think first and foremost, when I was [email protected], your site emphasizes connection before correction. Can you explain what that means and why it's so crucial for parents, especially fathers?

Eran Magen [00:14:12]: It's my strong belief and also my consistent observation that when the relationship between a parent and a child is good, everything is easy. There's just not the constant conflict. There's not the badgering. Do this now, like I told you a thousand times, things are just easy and smooth. And when people have a stronger relationship, then there's more trust and there's more willingness to be vulnerable and honest on both sides. And there's more forgiveness and there's more cooperation. And so spending time just laying the foundations and having a good relationship just preempts and prevents all these negative things that then need to get corrected. It's sort of like living a life and eating well and doing a reasonable amount of exercise and sleeping enough, socializing and having enough fun, and then you just have to deal with a lot less, fixing medical problems.

Eran Magen [00:14:57]: Right. They just tend to happen. And I think it's very much like that in relationships too. Just spending time building a strong relationship rather than relying on occasional forceful corrections which leave everybody, I think, unhappy, basically. And for a lot of people growing up, the role of the dad is often as the disciplinarian. At least that's the caricature. I'm not totally sure that that's always true or even true the majority of the time. I know a lot of soft dads, and I know a lot of harsh moms, and I know a lot of harsh dads and a lot of soft moms.

Eran Magen [00:15:26]: But I do think that a lot of men, certainly from the past three generations, grew up not being taught how to show affection in a soft way and how to connect in a way that feels warm and comfortable and consistent, as opposed to occasionally dropping in and doing some big gesture, but in the meantime being sort of cold or reserved or stoic. And when you don't have a strong relationship, inevitably things start, start sliding and then you need big corrections to happen, which I think damage the relationship further. So I'm a big, big believer of creating that foundation of just a strong relationship through good daily, call it relational hygiene, just developing good relational habits. Things that we do without thinking over the course of the day as, as a habit that we, we adopt. And through that, strengthening the relationship constantly.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:16:13]: Now, many parents want to be more supportive, but fall into that problem solving mode. How can dads become better listeners and emotionally attuned to their kids?

Eran Magen [00:16:23]: There's one technique that I think is magic and keeps us safe. It keeps us from making these kinds of relational mistakes. And the technique is not only magic, but also super simple, which is what's so nice about it, which is paraphrasing. Learn to say back what the other person said to you. And the, the thought behind it is the thought we want to have behind it when we're paraphrasing. Is, am I understanding your experience correctly? Just that, right? So our kids come in, our kid comes in and looking, you know, unhappy. And we say, what's going on? And kid is in a sharing mood that day. And she says, oh, my friend Jessica is being a pain at school.

Eran Magen [00:16:59]: And so to be able to say in our heads, huh, let's see if I understand correctly my kid's experience and saying, so Jessica is being mean to you because that's what we understood. And then our kid might say, no, no, she's not being mean to me. She's being super nice to me. But I know that behind my back she, blah, blah, whether we get it right or we get it wrong, it doesn't matter. Just putting herself in a position and in kind of a mental stance of trying to understand our child, child. And all we need to do is say back what we heard. We don't need to interrogate, we certainly don't need to diagnose, definitely not give advice. Just getting in the habit of when our kid looks upset to just once, just for one turn, try to paraphrase, try to say back what we understood.

Eran Magen [00:17:40]: And seeing what happens. And very often they will share more and more. And it's kind of amazing because parents often feel like their kids, once they hit a certain age, will not share with them anymore. But if we're not trying to shape their experience, they want to be heard, right? And as we build trust with them, they share more and more. So if I could suggest one single thing, which I think is what you, you were asking me to do, I would say try paraphrasing once as the first thing you do in a conversation and see what happens. And then if you can, keep on paraphrasing as they continue talking.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:18:07]: Now, you also talk about emotional safety and parent child relationships. What are some simple everyday ways fathers can do that?

Eran Magen [00:18:15]: So I'll continue a little bit from my previous answer and then I'll give a couple of other things. The huge power of paraphrasing comes not just from having the child correct you yes or no, but we're showing so much when we're trying to check if we understand the child's experience right. We're showing that we want to know. We're showing that we're not judging and we're not taking charge of the conversation. We're letting the child lead. We're showing that we're curious about the child's experience and validated. There's just so much power there. And we do all this pretty Implicitly, through the process of paraphrasing.

Eran Magen [00:18:44]: I think also doing it explicitly is very, very important. So a lot of us grew up not seeing examples of. Well, some of us just grew up without having people around us saying, I love you or I care about you or any of those things. And then we feel awkward saying them ourselves to other people. And likewise, maybe we never saw examples of people saying something like, your happiness is the most important thing for me, or I really care about how you feel, and I want to know what. What could make things better for you, in your opinion or any. Any of those things. And I think that the assumption of telepathy, or the hope of telepathy, silent relationship killer, including between parents and kids.

Eran Magen [00:19:22]: Right? Because we know parents occasionally will say in anger, everything I do, I do for you. How could you possibly think that I don't care? And usually when it's done in anger, it happens because it's. It's too late into the process. And the kid really didn't understand. The kid really didn't see it. And being able to verbalize it earlier is so important. So I think getting into the habit of telling our kids, not in anger, but in great warmth and happiness to say, I'm so happy to see you happy. Let's say something good happened.

Eran Magen [00:19:48]: Our kid, you know, did something that our kid feels good about. And to say, this is awesome. I'm so glad to see you so happy. You know, I love seeing you happy like this. Like, just remembering to say these things rather than just say, good job, you know, punch in the shoulder, move on with our day. It's so important to verbalize it. And when our kid is upset to say, I can see you're upset, you know, and I really want to help you solve it. Or if our kid says, I really want to get into band at school.

Eran Magen [00:20:11]: And then two days later, we realized that it would be a good idea for a kid to spend more time practicing the oboe or. Or whatever it is using to get into band. And to say, not just, I think you should be practicing your oboe. Like, if you want to get into band, I think you should just. But to lead with. I remember a couple days ago, we were talking about how much you want to get into band. And their kid goes, yeah. And we say, you know, I.

Eran Magen [00:20:31]: I want to see you achieving your goals, right? I want to see you happy and doing things you want to do. And it looks like band is one of those things. And. And I was thinking about ways, you know, things you could do or we could do to help you get into band. Do you want to talk about this? Do you want to hear what I'm thinking? Right. But just being explicit about our goodwill toward our child, ridiculous as it sounds to many parents, is so important because the kids don't know. How would they know this is their first time around. Right.

Eran Magen [00:20:54]: We're just. We're expl. Expecting them to know all these things that they. They might not. And so being explicit about our goodwill toward our kids is enormously important. So that's one thing. And the second thing I'll say much more briefly is remembering to be present is number one, to be nice is number two, and to be respectful is number three. So being present, I talked about this already.

Eran Magen [00:21:13]: Just actually having times when are dedicated to our kids and everything else on the side. Being nice. By being nice, I mean remembering to actually say thank you, remembering to praise, remembering to tell them how good we feel when we're around them or we see that they did certain things. These are all so important and don't happen often. And then number three, in terms of being respectful, I touched on this before. Treating them like we would treat people who are farther from us, like we would treat colleagues in terms of the level of respect. So not just kind of waving your hand at them when it's time for them to leave or do a thing, but actually turning our body and looking at them and saying, why don't you? Blah, blah, blah, or would you please? Or things like that, instead of shouting instructions from a distance, coming over and speaking with them and saying about the things that we want them to do. So being present, being kind, being respectful goes an extremely long way in just developing habits around that into our daily behavioral, relational repertoire.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:22:05]: Now, I mentioned that you have another resource called divorcing dads.org and I know that you created that not only for yourself, but for others that are going, that went through or are going through divorce and what they can do to be able to not only stay connected to their child, but be advocates for their child, etcetera, etcetera. And I know that divorce can bring a sense of failure or shame. When I've talked to dads that have gone through this in the past, that's definitely the case. What's the first mindset shift that you encourage fathers to make when they go through a separation?

Eran Magen [00:22:39]: I think the very first act to do when going through a separation is to connect with support. Like you said, a lot of people are blocked because they feel ashamed of what's happening, whether or not they Feel it's their fault. They feel like this is a shameful thing and not to discuss or they don't want to talk about it with other people. It's very common. I agree. But to connect with support is step one. Step one is not to eliminate the shame or remove the shame. That can take a long time.

Eran Magen [00:23:01]: Connect with support anyway, right? Just going to deal with the shame. You don't have to change it right away. We do want to change it later on. But step one, by far the most important thing, connect with support. Friends, family, people who care about you, counseling, faith leaders, you know, a hotline, whatever it is. But just connect with somebody. Start getting support. Don't, you know, sit alone in your dark home despairing.

Eran Magen [00:23:23]: That road leads to very bad places. Just immediately reach out and connect with support.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:23:27]: Now I know that in looking at your site you've said that co parenting is more like being co workers than ex lovers. How can dads adopt a more businesslike approach to parenting with an ex without sacrificing empathy or communication?

Eran Magen [00:23:44]: There are many flavors of co parenting, you know, depending on how the separation and divorce happen. I know co parents who used to be be romantic partners. They have a very good relationship and it's very easy and fluid and supportive and friendly and that's wonderful. And I think that's ideal. And sometimes that doesn't happen, right? Sometimes there's neutral at best relationships or sometimes there's a lot of bitterness and hostility and stress. And still things need to happen, right? Decisions need to happen about the kids. Logistics do need to be coordinated one, one way or another. So what I'm going to say now, I'm referring to these more high tension in or more conflict ridden relationships.

Eran Magen [00:24:19]: Not the super friendly. If it's super friendly then, then great, be super friendly. You don't need to force collegial relationship on a friendship. If there's a friendship there, that's ideal, that's wonderful. But if there isn't, how do we still communicate? So tension will rise as conflict rises. Anything we can do to reduce conflict, I think is worth doing. And you know what, I'll take another little detour here. There's this, I think myth floating around that kids are hurt by divorce.

Eran Magen [00:24:40]: The divorce is bad for kids. That's not the case. What's bad for kids is being exposed to parental conflict whether or not the parents are married or divorced. And you can see this easily in very bad relationships where people stay together. The kids have a very difficult time and will carry that difficult time for a long time and divorces that are friendly and cooperative and work well, the kids are doing fine later on, it's so important to insulate the kids from parental conflict. So ideally reduce conflict and at any rate insulate the kids from the conflict. And so first principle is whatever we can do to reduce conflict, we should. And if we're able to discuss it with the other parent in advance, things that we disagree on but can agree on, on solutions that work for everybody, great.

Eran Magen [00:25:18]: If we can't do it on our own, go to a mediator, work on that, go to a co parenting coach or counseling or something like that. These things exist and work and are well worth it in terms of treating the parent as a colleague. Create boundaries, Create boundaries that work for you and ideally work for the other parent as well. But certainly they have to work for you. Whatever makes you feel safe physically, emotionally, relationally is fair game. You can ask, please don't contact me during these and these hours unless it's an emergency or you can say, let's limit our communication to email. Email, I'd rather not talk on phone or it's too spontaneous or make up a reason or whatever you need. Right? But if it's too activating for you to talk with the other parent or you get kind of sucked into conflict this way, then find communication methods that do work for you and respect the wishes of the other parent about this.

Eran Magen [00:26:02]: Right. Because the goal is to reduce tension. There's so much stuff that can easily activate either parent and so find ways to communicate that cause the least amount of activation for the other parent. And the other is like in a work setting, just have very clear delineation. Here are the to do on items. Here's what you're going to do. Here's what I'm going to do. Is this correct? Just assume nothing, make it super, super clear what's going to happen.

Eran Magen [00:26:26]: And lastly, if the other parent is acting in ways that are upsetting to you or uncomfortable to you as you're trying to do something for your child, just do your best to put aside, ignore the emotional layer of the communication. Focus on the logistical so you can do that. Just like if you had an annoying co worker and there was nothing you could do about it because you tried fixing it and the language didn't change and you went to HR and they don't care and they're like, well, well they're technically within the balance of whatever and so you can't change their behavior. But focus on the actual specifics that need to happen in Order to make sure you're taking care of your kid. And remember that this person is no longer your anything other than the parent of your children. Right. I think it's a very helpful semantic switch to go from my ex to my kid's mom because it's actually true. That is the function of the person in your life right now.

Eran Magen [00:27:12]: And I think it helps us remember also that this person is actually very important. Important. And we need to treat that person with the right level of respect and consideration because our kids need their mom. It's like they need their dad. And it reminds us to just tread a little more lightly because we don't want to actually hurt our kid's mom or distance our kid's mom. The kids need their mom. We just need to figure out how to coordinate.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:27:34]: Some fathers worry about becoming less present or connected after a divorce. What can they do to maintain a strong bond with their kids, even if custody time is limited?

Eran Magen [00:27:45]: Feminine There are a few things to do and I'll say them in no particular order. One is work to have more time with the kids. It can happen through discussion and agreement or it can happen through legal action. But don't give up on having more time with your kids. That's really important because it's very easy to perceive a societal message that says there's no reason for you to have more time with your kids or of course they should be spending more time with their mom. It's kind of a societal default at this point and you don't have to accept the default default. And it's okay for you to want to and act to have more time. So again, first and foremost, express your wishes clearly.

Eran Magen [00:28:19]: And if your wishes can't be met, if you're not able to see them as much as you would like, consider pursuing them possibly through legal action. That's a possibility. Consult with a lawyer and see what can happen. Or at least I mean start with mediation and then ideally go to non adversary legal representation, which is a whole thing that I wasn't aware of before, where it's a lawyer who, who signs an agreement with you in advance to never represent you in court. And so they're incentivized to keep you out of court because if you go to court, you stop working with that lawyer. So the incentives become aligned through that kind of practice. So if you and your kid's mom can get with a non adversarial practice, that's a huge win. And if necessary, yes, go to court, of course.

Eran Magen [00:28:54]: But step one, make your wishes known. Step two, argue and work to actualize your wishes. Having said this, in the meantime, what do you do in terms of connecting with your kids? One really important thing to remember is that, that it's extremely hard for kids to become disconnected from their parents. There are many kids, I'm sure that all of us know, and maybe some of us have been, who see their dad once a week, twice a month, once a month, three times a year. And still as kids had this sense of like, this is my dad and it's exciting, I'm going to go see my dad. Where, you know, as the dad in the story, you're like, this is horrible. I'm never seeing my kids and I don't know what's going on with them. But the kids remain very connected to their parents.

Eran Magen [00:29:31]: It takes a lot to disconnect, connect the kid from the parent. And so fear less, have less fear about your kids becoming estranged from you. Again, do what you can to have more time. But, but it's unlikely your kids will stop thinking about you as their dad or as their parent and want to connect with you. So that's, number one, just kind of reduce intensity internally. Number two, during the times that you do have together, be a hundred percent present, especially if you don't have a lot of time together, 100% present, zero distractions, block everything off. It's, it's amazing what the impact of this kind of quality time is. And if you look around at friends who have access to their kids all the time, you may discover that they have a lot less quality time with their kids than you do because they're not as focused, they kind of take it for granted.

Eran Magen [00:30:12]: And you can build an amazing relationship off of a handful of times a week for a relatively short amount of time. If you're 100% focused and present on the relationship, you don't need to do crazy stuff. You don't need to constantly bombard them with gifts. You do not need to play catch up with the things that they do with the other parent or compete on gifts and excitingness and whatnot. Just focus on being the best father you can be while you're with them. It'll take you such a long way and they will stay connected to you. Just be present, Just use that time that you have well.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:30:46]: You also provide scripts and guidance for difficult conversations. What's a good way for a dad to explain the divorce to his child in an age appropriate, supportive way?

Eran Magen [00:30:57]: So back to first principles. It's really important to insulate kids from parental conflict. Exposing Kids to parental conflict and parental animosity is just very bad for the kids. The kids are strongly connected to both parents. They can't help it. Asking them to acknowledge that you're upset or hurt or, you know, what have you, it is tearing them apart. It's just so damaging. And so leaving that part out, I think is very important.

Eran Magen [00:31:23]: Maybe that's something you talk about with them when they're 30. It'll still hurt when they're 30, but by then they will have figured some of it out. But leave out the hurt and the nastiness. And I would say talk in terms of friendship. Talk in terms of, we were such good friends for a long time, you know, and we lived together and we had you and we had your sister, and we were so happy in doing this. And at some point, and then whatever the actual story is, I think it's fair to say maybe it was your decision, maybe it was Mom's decision, maybe it was a mutual decision. But you could say, like, you know, at some point we realized that we don't want to live together anymore. We want to live separately.

Eran Magen [00:31:53]: And we, of course, continue to be our parents. And that's a point to keep emphasizing. Right? We both love you so much, and you. You are so important to us. But we didn't want to continue living together. We decided to go more or less our separate ways, but to continue to be your parents and make sure that we're taking care of you and all of this and kind of present it fairly lightly. I wouldn't say nonchalantly. It's not like, I mean, unless that's the model of relationships you want your kid to have in their head, if that's how you're thinking about it.

Eran Magen [00:32:18]: But for me, personally, I don't want to present it as, oh, yeah, you know, we were super committed to each other and lived together and then decided not to. And, you know, we'll see what happens, happens next. Like, it's a big thing. Maybe it's a big, important decision, and it's okay to say it was. It was sad for us or it was hard to figure out how to continue from there. But, you know, we knew all the time that the most important thing is to take care of you, blah, blah, blah. And I think that about covers it. So just kind of sanitize it a little bit in terms of conflict.

Eran Magen [00:32:41]: Sanitize the conflict out of it. Explain that you reached a decision that was ultimately mutual. Right. Even if, let's say it was. It was Mom's idea And you really didn't like it. Eventually you agreed to the separation, obviously. Right. You're not camping out under mom's bed against her wishes.

Eran Magen [00:32:55]: Like you agreed at some point that this needs to happen. Sanitize the conflict. Emphasize that was a mutual decision. Emphasize repeatedly that you are committed to your kids, that they're important to you, that you love them, that you want to do the right thing for them always. And that's about it. You don't need to dwell on it an enormous amount. Kids, especially when they're younger, up until, I don't know, maybe nine or so, are so amazingly self centered. They don't dwell too much on like your experience of things.

Eran Magen [00:33:20]: It doesn't really matter to them. They just need a story that makes sense to them, to them. And I think that version of the story is reasonable that you tell them later on as they get older. If they want more detail, maybe you can share. But I would encourage everybody to not disparage the other parent ever again and not start kind of hearing the kid in both directions or say things that are can be upsetting about the other parent. And if you hit a point where the kid asks a question, which they will at some point about the other parents motivation or about the other parent's thinking or about why would the parent do this thing? The answer is, you know, I really don't totally understand it myself, but I respect your mom's wishes or you know, her choices. And I don't have a better answer that sometimes people do things that we don't understand completely, but they still get to make the choices that they make and leave it at that. If the kid wants to go talk to the other parent about it, fine.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:34:07]: We always finish our interviews with what I like to call the dad connection six where six more questions to delve into you a little bit deeper as a dad. Are you ready?

Eran Magen [00:34:16]: I am ready.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:34:17]: What's one word that describes your relationship with your son?

Eran Magen [00:34:20]: Joyful.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:34:20]: What's the best piece of dad advice you've ever received?

Eran Magen [00:34:24]: I'll give you a twofer actually. As I was going through the separation process and I was very worried about my son becoming essentially estranged from me because I didn't see him a lot the first few years and a friend taught me to ask two questions whenever I start kind of spinning out. One is how's my son doing? And the other is how's my connection with my son? And as long as the answer is good and good, then there's nothing to worry about. Sure. I might want to See him more. Sure, I might worry about what will happen in the future, but right now, he's well, he's taken care of. He's fine. And my connection with him is great.

Eran Magen [00:34:50]: And so the problem is more in my head than in the world. So learning to ask these two questions, specifically, going through a divorce or separation, how's my son doing? How's my connection with my son?

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:34:59]: What's one activity you and your son love doing together?

Eran Magen [00:35:02]: There's so many. I'm gonna have to go with wrestling. I've been doing jiu jitsu for many years now, and I love it. And I'm very careful not to sort of impose it on my son, but I would say at least every other day, he'll sort of tackle me to the ground and then start climbing on me and kind of shriek and enjoy himself. And it's just super fun. It's so physical. It's not violent. Like, we're very gentle with each other.

Eran Magen [00:35:21]: There's so much physical contact that happens that's really fun. Sometimes it'll stop and ask a technical question, and then I feel good about being able to explain something, but it's. We're just messing around most of the time, so just kind of rolling around on the carpet or the beanbag. It's just super fun.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:35:33]: If you could give your son one life lesson in a single sentence, what would it be?

Eran Magen [00:35:38]: I think about this a lot. One life lesson, one advice for life that I would give my son. Son feels so momentous. A message that I often convey to him is, you can learn anything. You can become great at anything if you're willing to put in the work.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:35:53]: Finally, what advice would you give to other dads who want to build a lasting and meaningful relationship with their kids?

Eran Magen [00:36:02]: Have focused, present fun with your kids, starting now, and never stop. It's not a later thing. Just right now, start having the relationship you want to have all the time.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:36:11]: Well, Aran, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being here today, for sharing your journey as a father, but also the resources that you have created. If people want to find out more about you, where should they go?

Eran Magen [00:36:22]: Well, first of all, thank you for your very thoughtful questions and responses. I really appreciate it. Like, it's clear that you're so connected and interested and thoughtful about it. It's really. It's such a pleasure to get to think about my own parenting this way to learn about me. I. Yeah, the two places would be either parenting for humans.com that you mentioned or divorcing dads.com that you mentioned then I'm very easy to find and contact through these places.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:36:46]: Well, again, Aran, thank you. Thank you for being here today and for sharing this and I wish you all the best.

Eran Magen [00:36:53]: Likewise. Thank you so much.

Hey dads, welcome to another episode of Dad Connections in 5, the podcast that gives you quick, meaningful ways to strengthen your relationship with your daughter—five intentional minutes at a time. I'm Dr. Christopher Lewis, and today we're talking about something fun, energizing, and powerful for connection: exploring new hobbies and interests together.

You don't need a perfect plan, expensive equipment, or shared expertise. You just need curiosity, a little time, and a willingness to try something new—with her.

So let's talk about why exploring hobbies together matters, how to get started, and a few creative, low-pressure ideas that can bring you closer today.

Shared experiences build strong relationships. And when you try something new with your daughter, you're not just filling time—you're saying:

• "I want to know what you enjoy."
• "I'm interested in learning with you."
• "It's okay to be beginners together."

These moments create laughter, conversation, teamwork—and long-lasting memories. Plus, you're modeling a growth mindset: that it's always okay to try something new, even if you're not good at it right away.

Ask your daughter: "Is there anything you've always wanted to try?"

It might be something unexpected:

• Painting or digital art
• Martial arts
• Photography
• Gaming
• Baking a new recipe
• Gardening
• Creative writing or poetry

If she's passionate about something—even if it's not your thing—lean in. Trying it together shows her that her interests matter to you, and it gives her the chance to take the lead for once.

Pick something totally new to both of you. That way, you're both starting from scratch and learning together.

• Take a beginner class online (like drawing, coding, or sign language)
• Build something—a birdhouse, a puzzle, a LEGO masterpiece
• Learn a few chords on the guitar
• Explore nature—go geocaching, hiking, or try birdwatching

This levels the playing field. You'll laugh together, mess up together, and figure things out as a team. That's where connection grows.

Pick one day a month to try something totally different together. It could be 30 minutes or a whole afternoon. Rotate who picks the activity.

• Make it a tradition:
  • "New Thing Saturdays"
  • "Try-It Tuesdays"
  • "Adventure Afternoons"

Snap a picture, keep a small journal, or just reflect together after: "What did you like? Would we do it again?"

You're not just adding fun to your routine—you're building shared memories that stick.

Here's your challenge: Ask your daughter one simple question—"What's something new we could try together this week?"

• Let her brainstorm
• Offer a few ideas if she's unsure
• Pick something low-pressure and do it—just for the fun of it

And remember—it doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be together.

Because in the end, trying something new with your daughter isn't really about the activity itself—it's about the space you're creating to grow, laugh, and connect.

That's it for today's Dad Connections in 5. If this episode sparked an idea, send it to a fellow dad who's ready to explore new adventures with his daughter. Until next time—keep showing up, keep trying new things, and keep building that lifelong connection.

On the latest episode of the Dad and Daughter Connection podcast, Dr. Christopher Lewis sits down with Dustin Lolli, lead singer of the band Sanctus Real, for a candid conversation about what it really means to be a present, engaged dad—especially to daughters at two very different life stages. Throughout the episode, listeners are treated to heartfelt stories, honest admissions of "mistakes," and practical wisdom on raising confident, independent daughters.

Fatherhood Across Generations

Dustin shares the unique experience of being a father to both a 21-year-old and a 5-year-old daughter. He reflects on the surprises and joys of meeting each child exactly where they are—from encouraging an early love of art and animals in his oldest, to discovering what makes his youngest "tick." The message is clear: there's no manual, and every child truly is unique. What matters most is the willingness to stay curious, adaptable, and humble.

Fostering Independence & Stability

One powerful theme is the delicate balance between guidance and independence. As Dustin describes, the journey is a "push and pull"—supporting his daughters as they take chances, make mistakes, and hone their passions, while also providing a secure foundation they can always come home to. He espouses the importance of loving consistency over quick fixes, and of letting kids know that stability and support are always present, even as they navigate their own paths.

Music, Family, and Finding Passion

Music runs deep in the Lolli family, but Dustin is quick to note that he and his wife encourage their children to find their own unique passions, not simply follow in their footsteps. An especially touching moment is Dustin's retelling of recording "Confidence" as a duet with his daughter Arden—not because she wanted the spotlight, but because it was a special moment to connect and create together.

Faith, Hope, and Real-World Parenting

With faith at the center of his message, Dustin brings a sense of hopefulness to the challenges of raising kids today, especially when it comes to social media and comparison culture. He emphasizes leading with love, authenticity, and an understanding that parenting is about the child's needs, not the parent's expectations.

Why You Should Listen

This episode isn't just for dads; it's for anyone who values deep family connections, honest conversations, and real-life stories about learning, loving, and growing together. Tune in to hear Dustin's thoughtful insights and be inspired to show up as the parent your children need—flaws, questions, and all.

Ready to be inspired? Listen to the full episode of the Dad and Daughter Connection—you'll come away with wisdom to last a lifetime.

If you enjoyed this episode we ask you to take a moment to take our Dad and Daughter Connection Survey to let us know more about you as a dad. You can also sign up to get our newsletter to stay connected to our community and we will send items of interest to you to help you to be the dad that you want to be. Feel free to follow me on the following social media platforms: Facebook, Facebook Group, Instagram, LinkedIn, X.

TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:02]: Welcome to the dad and Daughter Connection, the podcast for dads who want to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:12]: If you're looking to build a stronger bond with your daughter and help her grow into a confident, independent woman, you're in the right place. I'm Dr. Christopher Lewis and the dad and Daughter Connection is the podcast where we dive into real stories, expert advice, and practical tips to help you navigate the incredible journey of fatherhood. In every episode, we'll bring you conversations that inspire, challenge, and equip you to show up as the dad your daughter needs. So let's get started. Because being a great dad isn't just about being there. It's about truly connecting. Welcome back to the dad and Daughter Connection.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:00:54]: I am so excited that you're back with us again this week. As always, every week, I love being on this journey with you and I call it a journey because the connections that we want to build with our daughters happen daily. But we have to do what we can to learn, to grow, to build stronger connections. And it's not always going to be easy. There's going to be some bumps in the road. You got to be willing to go for the long run, go in for the long haul and make sure that you know that you can ask for help, you can learn from others, and that's what this podcast is all about. Every week I love being able to bring you different people with different experiences that are fathering in different ways, are building those connections in different ways, but they are learning along with their daughters as well, and that is so important. This week we got another great guest.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:01:50]: Dustin Lally is with us and Dustin is the lead singer of Sanctus Real, a band. If you've never heard of it, I'm going to say Google it, but I'll have a link in the notes today. But definitely it is a band that's been around for over 30 years. Amazing music. We're going to talk a little bit about his music as well, but he's a father of four and he's got two daughters. He's got a 21 year old daughter and a five year old daughter. So we got both ends of the spectrum and we're going to talk about that journey that he's been on to be able to build those strong connections with his own daughter. And I'm really excited to have him here today.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:23]: Dustin, thanks so much for being here.

Dustin Lolli [00:02:24]: Well, thanks for having me. This is great.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:02:27]: Well, I'm really excited to have you here. And as I said, building those relationships takes time. It takes effort. And you know, I think as you think about both your daughters and as I said, they're at two ends of the spectrum in regards to where they are in life. What's one of the most meaningful moments that you've been able to share with your daughters and what made it so special?

Dustin Lolli [00:02:51]: I think I've always had, you know, our oldest daughter is a firstborn. So the first four years she was just with us. And so there's, there was a lot of connecting time there, right? Like, and I was young, I mean, I was 21 when we got married. My wife got pregnant three months after we got married. So her birthday is two days from our first year anniversary. So I was a kid, right? Like having a child and not only having a child, having a girl child for a 21 year old boy, you know that you have these, these moments and I, I just, I just fell in love immediately. But you have so much, Obviously when you're 21, you really have so much to learn. And I think what I noticed first off, like one of the first meaningful moments where I was like, okay, this is a unique child, like a unique person, right? This isn't, I don't know what it is.

Dustin Lolli [00:03:40]: When you're young, you're like, everything is going to fit into almost like a movie. You're right, like you, you're making the steps of your life and then the first plot twist happens and it's like, oh, I gotta deal with this. But my daughter, from an early age, she loved to go out and draw. And it was like amazing at an early age. And she had a great vocabulary. She'd be talking early and one day she's drawing and she drew a shark and a seal and the shark was eating the seal and she drew blood everywhere. This is a girl, a little baby girl. She's like 4 years old and I'm 5 years old maybe and, and I'm like, what is that? And she said she was watching the Discovery Channel and saw Shark Week, right? I remember this feeling of like, this is a sweet baby girl, but she also loves, loves this other nature and animals and art.

Dustin Lolli [00:04:31]: And it was, I know it doesn't sound like much, but for me I was sitting there going, I've got a lot to learn about this and helping her see these things. And I loved it. But you're looking at it from a perspective of, I thought it was going to be this sweet, dainty little thing. And here she's drawing blood coming out of a seal, right? Like, oh. And she still Works with animals, right? This is. She's had this love for animals, and she was like, just real little, and she. Now she works with dogs, and she works and she draws, and it's amazing. So that little moment with just me and we're looking at this thing, I was like, okay, this.

Dustin Lolli [00:05:04]: I got a lot to learn about my own daughter. And so we started doing things more with animals. And, like, she started learning about animals, and we took her to. She has a really great picture where they had a live wolf. She got to take pictures, like, actual pictures with the wolf. And so just those moments to start with her were just. I found her loves, right? Her interests and her mom. We just found what she loved, and we really are.

Dustin Lolli [00:05:29]: What we really wanted to do from the beginning was. Was encourage her to do the things that she loved. And part of our. Even our schooling that we gave her was art, and we wanted her to learn with passion. That moment, though, stands out because it was like a turning point for me, right? Like, I was like, okay, I gotta change my thinking to, this is a real human being. This isn't. This isn't just out of a movie. This is a girl who' to develop and develop her own passions and develop her own things.

Dustin Lolli [00:05:55]: And I'm a guy, and I have no idea what any of that looks like.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:05:58]: So now you also have a daughter that's five and two other kids along with your other daughter. So I guess now with having a daughter at the other end of the spectrum, and you have an adult daughter now, how are you taking what you learned from your firstborn in building that relationship with your youngest as well?

Dustin Lolli [00:06:23]: It's funny because I think it's two things psychologically. It's not just, hey, I get to learn from her. It's that I'm older anyway. Like, I see the world differently. There's a lot of experience with having four, and they're all very distinct personalities and different people. And so I think for me, it's. It's not just, hey, thinking back to how my oldest name is Arden. It's not just thinking back to that.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:06:45]: It's.

Dustin Lolli [00:06:45]: It's kind of taking the sum of all of this experience and going, what this girl? And of course, she's in a different place again because my youngest, her next closest sibling, is 14, so she's kind of an only child at this age, too. So we're looking at it from a perspective again of we want her to be healthy emotionally, we want her to be healthy mentally. And there are so many things now in Life that will from screens and to all of this stuff that are going to try to take some of that away from her that we're learning and we're doing our best to have a balanced, balanced life. And we learned that with Arden. The problem with Arden was, you know, you have these kids who are easy. And I thought I was a great parent with her because she was intelligent early on, she was emotionally very chill. And of course there was always something she wasn't perfect. But I always thought, man, I must be a good parent.

Dustin Lolli [00:07:39]: And then the next ones come along and it's, you know, they're boys, so they're different. But even so, you're like, okay, maybe every kid is unique and different. And I think that kind of experience or now it's like we're looking at our, our youngest and she is full of life, the baby to a T. She is loud and fun and dramatic and all of these things. And I think for us, in a lot of ways it's like every child of ours has been different and unique and our job is to love them the best way that we know how. And we've learned that with our other kids. There's no formula to it. There's no point A to point B.

Dustin Lolli [00:08:14]: If you do this, this, this and this, it's going to be perfect. Because all our kids have different genetic makeup. And I don't mean like mother, dad, I just mean like they were born different, they think differently, they feel differently. And so as a parent, especially with this one, we're just trying to find, okay, what makes her tick and what makes her thrive. And she is the most fun little five year old you'll ever come across. It's incredible.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:08:37]: You mentioned the fact that some of the things that you did with Arden to help her to real of the passions that she had. And I guess as you think about in raising her to where she is today, how did you balance guiding her while also giving her the independence to becoming her own person?

Dustin Lolli [00:08:58]: I think probably a lot of mistakes, you know. No, it's a great question. I think it's still a question that's in process for us. I mean, she's 21. Even now you're like, you still want to protect, but then you also know you can't, you have to let go in a lot of ways. She just came to us and she wants to go to Ireland with a group and she'd have to fly by herself. And the dad and me is like, oh, I don't know. And then you go, but she's 21, and we've never really tried to keep her from anything.

Dustin Lolli [00:09:27]: But as a dad, there's this safety thing, which there's all of these things that you're like, I'm supposed to protect her. I'm supposed to do all this. So as they get older, that with a girl is so much harder to let go of. Like my boys, I'm like, whatever, just go, man up, do the thing. Which good or not, it's just a natural process. I don't even think of it other than it's a natural thing. I would have wanted my dad to do that when I was 18, like, go mess up a few times. But the girl, that's hard because however, genetically we're inclined to be this way.

Dustin Lolli [00:09:56]: So my wife helps a lot with that. You know, we have a very balanced relationship. She is a girl, and I know this is dad. Daughter is hard because you don't understand, like, what they feel, what she's going through. And so I rely on her a lot for a lot of the emotional things. And I hope we've always tried to make a good team with it, but I think you have to over. Over the. From the time she's been 16 and on, it has been a tug of war and a push and pull of Arden, you have to prepare for the future.

Dustin Lolli [00:10:25]: You have to do the things it takes to be a successful person without mom and dad, while at the same time saying, arden, we are your safety net right now. You can make mistakes. You have a stable home, you have a stable place. And if you go out there and fail, even now, we tell her this all the time. This is your time to take chances. This is your time to go seek out this art, go do this thing and build your future. But just know that if it doesn't work out, you have a stable landing ground right now. And so it is.

Dustin Lolli [00:10:56]: It's a push and pull of like, we're here, stability's here. But because you have a foundation, you can go take risks, you can go do those things, and we're all for it, and we'll support you in anything. Obviously, I'm in music. My daughter has a great voice. She's beautiful voice, but she doesn't want to sing. And so it's like those balancing moments where you're like, I can offer you these opportunities because of what I do. And she's saying, but that's not my heart. Those are the things we work through, and those are the things, okay, so what is your passion? What do you want to do.

Dustin Lolli [00:11:24]: And it's a tug of war always inside of me now.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:11:26]: You talked about, and you kind of joked about it, that you probably made some mistakes. And all of us make mistakes. I mean, we are not perfect. There's no manual to how you raise a kid. And I guess as you think about those mistakes, what's a mistake that you made as a father and what did it. What did you learn from it about fostering positive communication?

Dustin Lolli [00:11:49]: I use the word mistake. I kind of did say it as a joke. I think sometimes I look at people and say, you only know when you made a mistake because we know what the right thing was. And so it's our weight, it's our judge. So the truth is, I don't know how many mistakes I've made because I don't know always what the right thing was. So you're just doing your best. And so you look back and go, maybe if I had done it this way, it would have gone better. But hindsight's 20 20.

Dustin Lolli [00:12:13]: It's hard to deal with that. You just learn to grow from it. With my daughter, you think of girls and you think of emotions. You think of it. My daughter is a very stable, quiet, emotional person. She feels things strongly, but she doesn't always show them. And as a guy, you have these stereotypical wrong things. This is part of.

Dustin Lolli [00:12:31]: As a young man, you have a daughter and you realize, okay, she's not a stereotype. She's a person. And she has her feelings, but she also has strong here. And I think without taking the time and having the humility to learn what it is that makes her tick, you can just jump the gun on stuff, and you can just plow right into things and go, oh, well, honey, let me tell you how to do this. And I think there were a lot of times where I thought I knew what was right for her, and I thought I knew if I gave her this advice and she did it, but. But after the fact, I go, if she were me, that might have worked, but she's not me. And so in a lot of ways, parenting to me is. There's a checklist for parenting, and I think it's good, but for me, it doesn't work.

Dustin Lolli [00:13:11]: Parenting to me is loving your kids the best way possible. And that might be being tough on one at some point and being less tough on another at some point, but it's knowing them, and if you know them well enough, you know how to love them well. And I think the biggest mistakes that I made, I think, were a lot of Times where I was more interested in giving them advice based on my opinion than based on where they were or what her needs were in the time I, like, wanted to be right rather than I wanted to help her. And so I don't think my motive early on as a dad, sometimes I was just doing the best I could. If I had a chance to talk to me, then I would say, you're doing the best you can, but you're doing the best you can for yourself instead of the best you can for your family or for your daughter. There's a lot in there. I could nuance that all day long. I could unpack that all day long.

Dustin Lolli [00:13:56]: But I don't always love the word mistakes because I think we create the baseline to judge on now, obviously, for breaking the law or something, but we're creating this baseline of like, well, this is the right thing and if we didn't do it, then you're a failure or it's a mistake. And parenting, I mean, everything might be a mistake because you could probably do everything better at some point.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:14:14]: You hit the nail on the head there. I think that everybody will second guess, and we are innately programmed to second guess and say, have I done that right? And as men, I've talked about this before, so many men are programmed to be fixers. We walk into a situation, we don't always listen, we don't always hear what our daughters are telling us, but we come in and think, oh, I can fix this. And that's not always what they need. And so one of the best things that someone ever told me, and it was kind of too late for me at the time, but was when you go into a conversation with your daughters, you should let them have the ability to say whether the conversation is a listening or a fixing conversation. Because if it is a listening conversation, you need to turn that part of your brain off that says, I'm trying to fix this for you, and you need to let them struggle with it and just talk through it. But if they say, no, this is a fixing conversation, then you can turn that right back on and truly give them the advice that you're prone to give for your daughters. What's one way that you show your daughters that they can always count on you?

Dustin Lolli [00:15:21]: I think that's an earned thing over time. I don't know if there's one action. I think being there over the years, you know, I would say my 21 year old, it's just consistency. I think there's no one action when she's been through hard times, you just, you're there. When she's having her great times, you're there. I love to be able to just tell people, hey, if you do this, it's going to be great. The thing is, your listeners don't even know my family life. I could be the worst dad in the world, pretending here.

Dustin Lolli [00:15:48]: And that's okay. To me, life in and of itself is this flow thing where a lot of people love to have step by step things. And I think trust is earned over time, even with your kids. I think love is a daily thing where you're choosing somebody above yourself, especially your kids. And I think you can't be a good parent unless you go into parenting thinking, I'm going to give something up for my children. And I've learned that over the years. And I think I do have a wonderful family life and I do have great kids and. But I think they would even tell you that there's never been a moment.

Dustin Lolli [00:16:21]: It's just, it's earned. Over the years, from when she was little, she learned that mom and dad were going to be there and they were going to be our priority. Now, I will say this. One of our early things we decided as a couple was we weren't going to change our lives for our kids. We were going to include our kids in our lives. And so our kids have always had a semblance of this is what mom and dad do and we're a part of it. I've seen a lot of families, they have a child and suddenly their entire life changes. They don't see friends anym, they don't go out anymore.

Dustin Lolli [00:16:52]: The kids on a 7pm bedtime. And that can't be deviated from. We didn't do any of that. Now whether that's psychologically right or wrong, we didn't do any of that. We said, okay, we're going to include our baby girl in everything that we do. And so she would come out to eat with us and we were involved in a lot of ministry stuff. So she would go to all of this stuff and sometimes she'd stay up late. And so.

Dustin Lolli [00:17:14]: And the reason why I say that is because in a lot of ways our kids, instead of just being the center of attention, they were a part of a family. Arden wasn't a only child. And when she thought, oh, I get everything, she knew she was going to go with mom and dad to everything. She was a part of it. And that was a healthy thing. So answering your question, I think the lifestyle choices and the day to Day. Consistency, love, consistency is what really for, I think, developed our relationship. So it kept it strong when she went to teenage years.

Dustin Lolli [00:17:46]: And here's the other thing. My daughter was such a good child. I would have these people say to me all the time, I mean, this became a just wait till she's a teenage. You think you got it good now, but just wait till she's a teenager. They all fall off the road. She's a girl. And you know what? I. My wife and I used to look at each other and be like, that doesn't mean that's going to happen to Arda.

Dustin Lolli [00:18:05]: And you know what? It never did. She's always been a consistent. I mean, it's been amazing. She's been the easiest child and, you know, a lot of that's her own thing. But I like to think some of that's just the stability and the fact that she's gone every day knowing how loved she really is. So one moment I couldn't tell you. I think it's a collection and an earning of trust over the years and just the stability and a consistency that it takes unselfish love to get there.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:18:32]: Now, I mentioned at the beginning that you are the lead singer with Sanctus Real. And one of the questions that I had for you because I know that a little while back you. There is a song called Confidence, and it's a powerful song that definitely resonated with many of your fans. More recently, you released an acoustic version of it with your daughter Arden. And what inspired you to create that rendition? And how did involving Arden deepen your connection to the song and the message?

Dustin Lolli [00:19:03]: Well, it's crazy because my daughter was 14 years old when we first had her sing on it. And it went something like this. We were doing a radio event and we were making a video and we wanted kids to sing originally instead of me on this video that we were making for this radio event. And the only kid in the room was arden. She was 14. We said, hey, Arden, can you come sing? I had never heard her sing for real. She did not sing out loud. I didn't know if she could sing.

Dustin Lolli [00:19:29]: It's kind of crazy. My wife will tell you, like, she just would shy away from singing. But my baby boy, Ian, who was little at the time, he would have been. He would have been like five, would tell us that he wanted Arden to sing him to sleep at night because she had a voice like an angel, which we never heard. So I said, arden, can you sing this? She so didn't want to sing it. We have this video of her singing it. She's got a hoodie on and her, she's like slouched over, over. But when she's saying this sound came out.

Dustin Lolli [00:19:58]: And I remember our guitar player Chris looking at me like, whoa, what is happening? So instead of having kids, we just had her voice on it. 14 year old Arden, and we play this radio event, and there's 70 of the biggest radio stations in the country for Christian music in this room. And this video comes on, right? And this voice. And after it was over, I get people coming to us asking who the girl was that sang our song. And they're handing me business cards. And she got record offers at 14, like, hey, when she's ready, let me know. And I'm like, she doesn't even sing. Like, she's never sang in front of people or anything.

Dustin Lolli [00:20:36]: And so that's where it started at this thing. That's not what you heard. That was like the first time she's saying this in front of people. But she doesn't love the stage. She doesn't love what she sees as. I don't think that's what I want to do. But there was always this connection to this song through that. And then when we were deciding to do this acoustic version and I was like, baby girl, people love that.

Dustin Lolli [00:20:57]: And I would love to do a duet. Like, so could this just be the one time you do it right? And she agreed to it and we did a video of it and it, you know, it's funny because we put that out and we still get people in comments who are like, who's this Arden artist? Where do I find her music? How do I listen to her? I'm like, that's it? That's all you got? But I love, you know, she still sings around the. I mean, her voice is special. And this is one of those things as a dad where you're like, I'm hoping that at some point she goes, I love to sing. I want to do this. And then I could bring her into so much more. But until then, I just got this one special moment with her, and it is special. And I, you know, again, I'm always like, your first time singing on video and you might have a half a million views, it's your only video you've ever done, you're pretty successful, you should probably do it again.

Dustin Lolli [00:21:48]: So we're still working on it. I'm gonna get her back on there. My other daughter, by the way, you won't have a problem. She'll probably want to sing on. So she's five and she has no fear and no, she wants the stage. So that should be fun.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:22:00]: I know that you as being the lead singer of this band, your band is definitely touring. You're spending a lot of time on the road. How do you navigate the balance between touring with Sanctus Real and being present in your children's daily lives?

Dustin Lolli [00:22:17]: I have four our guitar players for there's three of us that, that are the band and we have 11 kids between us and we've all been married a good amount of time. Healthy, healthy marriages, healthy relationships. You don't do this, you don't do what we do in a healthy way unless your family are your partners in it. And one of the things about being around for as long as we are, we can control our touring. And so there are seasons where we're gone quite a bit. But I always tell people this, I always say we're actually home more than most people. Most people have have nine to five jobs, they're gone or more. They're gone eight, 10 hours a day and then they come home and they're tired and they're worn out and you know, it's hard.

Dustin Lolli [00:22:57]: That's hard. And I don't ever want anyone ever. People ask us how we do it and I'm always like, I watch my dad get up at 4 in the morning for 30 years and work and be exhausted. I have a great life and a great job. And yes, it's, it's challenging sometimes it is, but every job is. So when I come home, here's why I say that is when we're home or home, I write songs for people. So I might go for a couple hours a day here and there. But when I come home, unlike most jobs, I'm home.

Dustin Lolli [00:23:23]: I don't have anything else to do, I'm home. And what we normally try to do is play three days a week and be home for. And some seasons we'll have a bigger tour and we'll be gone more but then we have a lot of time off so I might be home for a month straight. So it's really just navigating these seasons and, and my wife gets used to it, she has a rhythm. When I'm gone, my older kids, it's normal life. But dad's here all the time. Time dad's home, it gets to do stuff like I've helped coach my kids baseball team. It's a little harder on the five year old and sometimes being home a lot is even harder for her because I'll be home for a month and then I'm gone for two weeks.

Dustin Lolli [00:24:00]: And she doesn't know what to do with that because she got into a routine. But we work through all of that and she's, you know, she's actually been on the road now that we're older too. My wife will come on the road sometimes and take her with like she's been on the road with us a few times. So we try to include. We're such a family based band now, now that our goal is to include our family. My son works for us, our drummer son works for us. So we do our best and our families are partners in what we do. They get it.

Dustin Lolli [00:24:27]: It's our jobs too. So dad has to have a job and we just try to include him as much as we can, like we did with Arden in that video. I mean, that's part of that. We're going to include our families. I think one of the coolest parts about what I do for a living is not just what I do, but talking about this thing is it's actually had open doors for my kids in the future too. Like my one son plays guitar, loves it. I get to offer my kids something that I never had. And that's an avenue in music if they want to.

Dustin Lolli [00:24:54]: It's connections in music if they want to. And so far they, they have, they want to jump in and so it's great. So it works well for us because we're very, very aware of it. Like our families are our number one priorities and we all know that. And so if you know that, then you're going to build your tour around it, you're going to build your career around it. And so we maintain that balance. We work really hard to keep that balance.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:25:17]: You know, I know that a lot of your music touches on themes of faith and perseverance. How do you incorporate those themes into your parenting? And do your kids influence the messages you choose to convey through your songs?

Dustin Lolli [00:25:32]: I think so. I think I am a big believer in hope. We are a Christian band in the sense of like, that's our message of hope. And I look at the world today and just see a lot of people lacking, honestly, just hope. Regardless of what the situations, regardless of all the other stuff. It's just we travel and we talk to people and you're talking about our songs. And we hear so many stories about how our songs impact people because we try to put these messages of hope into them. But we also hear over and over again just the hopelessness that People deal with on a day to day basis.

Dustin Lolli [00:26:04]: And that's the world that we're raising our kids in. Social media, this is comparison. And it's all of these things that your kids are dealing with that I never had. This generation is dealing with things that even I never had to deal with, which is really, it's like the first time that we are going to have to study something that's never really been done, like kids and their screens and their social media. The influence of all of this information coming at us all the time. I tell my kids all the time, just turn your screens off for a week and you won't even know what's happening. And your world is so good and it feels so bad because you are being inundated with information constantly. And we need to know what's going on out there.

Dustin Lolli [00:26:43]: Again, this, this balance, but it does, it impacts a lot of what I write about, a lot of what I'm passionate about. I believe in doing the right thing in every situation as best as we can. I believe in love. I believe that, you know, I don't think anybody's a robot. And so therefore we come into situations with people and we prescribe methods of healing, but we're also different. And so for me, even with my kids, it's. I don't ever want to get into the know it all way of saying, hey, this is how you fix it. Right? I think we're all created differently.

Dustin Lolli [00:27:20]: Different likes, different tastes, different intelligences, different things. And until we know what those things look like, it's hard to even give advice to people to say, hey, do this thing. Because that advice could be dangerous for somebody who doesn't think or feel the same way that you do. And so I take all that into account, you know, with my kids. And then even with our message, like how do we give a message to people that is, is hopeful and a blessing rather than painful and a curse, basically, right? And I think it's my worldview. Like my worldview doesn't change whether it's looking at my kids or whether it's looking at my career or whether it's looking at our music, right? It's, it's my worldview. And for me, I'm a Christian, so my worldview comes from that. So it impacts every part of what I do and what I think.

Dustin Lolli [00:28:05]: And if it didn't, then I, it'd be hard to say this is who I am or this is what I believe. So I don't separate those things. I don't separate family from music or music from career. All of those things are made up from the worldview of that I believe love and loving people. Well, and you win. I think I'm a good dad, not because I know what I'm doing, but because I love my kids enough to try to steer them to what is healthy and whole and balanced and find that. And I think that that's always worked for me through my whole life. I've always felt like the best things that have ever happened in my life are because I chose to do the right thing in the hardest moments.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:28:40]: Now, I know you just mentioned a few minutes ago that your BO are interested in the music industry and they've shown interest in music and kind of the business side and playing as well. Sometimes, you know, with artists and families, sometimes people would say, stay away from it. I've dealt with this. I've been this don't do what I've done. You kind of said, you know, I'm going to help them. I'm going to do what I can to be able to do that. So how do you nurture their creativity while guiding them through the challenges that you've had in your own life in the industry?

Dustin Lolli [00:29:10]: Industry awareness. I always say there's two types of people in the music business. There's the artist and there's the people who make money from the artist. And you have to understand that. And I'm not even saying that's necessarily a bad thing, that's why it's a music business. But when you are healthy and aware that this is what's happening around you, you can create and do things and love what you do. But you also aren't going to get heartbroken because somebody betrayed you. Even though what they really did was they chased the money.

Dustin Lolli [00:29:37]: Money. Artists are just creative and ethereal and raw that we tend to take everything. Now, I'm not really that way, as you probably tell, but they tend to take everything personally or it just is a blow to their self esteem. But the reality is they're not turning their back on you. They're turning their face toward money. That's usually what it is. If you can't make them money, they're going to go somewhere that can because that's the business. Which is funny because I say that it sounds so bad, but I actually don't think it's that bad.

Dustin Lolli [00:30:04]: I just think it's the reality that we have to to deal with. And most people aren't aware enough of it to do it in a healthy way. But my kids, that's one of the beauties is that they've got somebody who's going before them that can help them see and walk through that, because it is about staying in a healthy place. All we do is put sounds in the air and hope people like them. There's nothing too artsy fartsy about me, and you probably never had anybody say that on your podcast, but to me, it's like, this is what I do. This is what I've been blessed with, the gift to do, to be able to sing. And I try to instill that with my kids. Don't get too, too arrogant about anything.

Dustin Lolli [00:30:35]: This just happens to be the thing that you're good at. And if you're good enough at it, people will pay you to do it. And if you're good enough to have people pay you to do it, then you're good enough to have people try to take money from you to do it. And so you have to understand the way the world works around you and be healthy and whole. And just knowing that I'm there to help guide them through that is why I'm like, hey, if you love music and you want to do this for a living, it's a great job. You just have to be aware of the pitfalls, that's all.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:30:58]: Now, I know that, that you and your wife Sarah perform together as a folk duo as well, and the group name is this Way Home. How has collaborating musically with Sarah impacted your family dynamics and your approach to parenting?

Dustin Lolli [00:31:12]: It's the best. It's awesome. If you listen to those songs, those songs probably reflect our family life. These songs, let's Get Old Together, they're cute. Not trying to be cheesy, they're just cute. These are how we treat each other and how we love each other and all that kind of stuff. And our kids have seen that, and they know our family life. And my daughter says, I love it because it's real, it's you, and it's our way of kind of expressing.

Dustin Lolli [00:31:33]: And Sarah's great singer. We did it before the band, and we're just now starting it back up again. And our kids love it because I think they see mom and dad at their most happy. But it is us. It's how we are at home, our banter. And I think in a lot of ways, when people see that, they get an actual view of how we are at home, which everyone wonders. How people are at home. Well, that's kind of how we are at home.

Dustin Lolli [00:31:55]: I mean, our kids are. And, you know, our son played with us the last time we went out. So it's again, more family based thing. So it's my favorite thing. It's folk music, it's easy to write. It's my side project that's just my release. And it reflects, I mean, you hear the songs, it reflects our worldview, it reflects kind of our family and what our core is. So yeah, go check that out.

Dustin Lolli [00:32:16]: I'd actually love when people check that out.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:32:18]: We'll definitely put a link over to it. And reflecting on your journey, what lessons from your own upbringing did you. You strive to pass on to your kids, both in life and through your music?

Dustin Lolli [00:32:31]: A lot. My parents divorced when I was 3. My mom remarried, so I've had a stepdad and then my dad remarried. So my family is very scattered. It was hard, but it was probably the most healthy thing it could be in an unhealthy situation. But there was a lot of other things, so it wasn't optimal. And I think part of that for me has always been I would never want my kids to go through that. So I wanted to break those chains of consistent.

Dustin Lolli [00:32:52]: And so my kids, kids see even now in talking to me, they see, wow, Dad's life was a lot different. They talked to me about my family life growing up. I love it. I have so many good memories, but it was very different. There was a lot of times where I'd be waiting, hoping my dad showed up to pick me up and whether or he just couldn't do it. And I still remember the sadness. I had stepbrothers who went through a lot of hard stuff. And I watched it all and.

Dustin Lolli [00:33:16]: And I think for me it was like. More than anything else in my life, I want to know that I gave my kids a chance, a stable chance. I want them to know that they can try to do crazy things. If they want to be musicians or they want to be artists, they can do it because they know that there's a baseline of foundation that they can fall back into, take risks, do crazy things. That's okay because you have a mom and dad who care enough and we're there to support you through it all. And they've been healthy. I mean, it's been good. But I think more than anything for me, I wanted my kids to have a stability that I never really had, that I never felt a dad, honestly.

Dustin Lolli [00:33:50]: And I have a great dad. If he hears this, he's great dad. But it's different, right? It's different. I didn't ever want my kids to go through that kind of separation and that kind of fear that we went through when we were little. And even now, like I said, they see the difference. They see the dynamics. They see stories that I tell. And they're old enough now to understand that it's meaningful to have a mom and dad who have stayed together for 22 years and who show that they love each other every day.

Dustin Lolli [00:34:14]: I mean, that's meaningful. That's something that is driven with my family life a lot. I just want my kids to see stability.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:34:20]: We always finish our interviews with what I like to call the dad connect section. 6. So six more questions that delve a little bit more into you as a dad. Are you ready?

Dustin Lolli [00:34:28]: Okay. Yeah.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:34:29]: What's one word that describes your relationship with your daughters?

Dustin Lolli [00:34:34]: Eclectic. I wanted to say something easy, like healthy or stable, but I think my daughters love that we do creative things a lot and our conversations are eclectic on purpose and just. I think my oldest daughter would love that. I think she'd love that I just said the word eclectic.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:34:49]: What's the best piece of dad advice that you've ever received?

Dustin Lolli [00:34:54]: Love your wife. Well, you'll be a good dad if you love your wife. I think that was something that you don't correlate when you're young and getting, you know, you're about to enter dadhood. But the stronger your relationship with your wife is, the stronger your relationship with your daughters is. That's what I feel like. And I love that advice. And that may not work for everybody. You might have hard hardships, but that was for me.

Dustin Lolli [00:35:15]: That was a big thing for me.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:35:16]: What's one activity that you and your daughters like doing together?

Dustin Lolli [00:35:20]: My oldest one's watching movies. Movies. We both love kung fu and we love just action movies, which is interesting. Again, she's great, and so that's something she always wants. If there's a new martial arts movie out, she'll just be like, dad, we got a new one. And we'll sit down and watch and make jokes about it the whole movie. We talk all the time about various things. She loves video, and so she's always.

Dustin Lolli [00:35:42]: She wants to be a voice actor, which is great. She's a cool voice. And so she's always talking about arts. And since I'm in music, you know, I have some unique perspectives on what she loves the little one right now. I get to be the male doll in whatever game she's formulating. Come, dad, let's play. Here. I've got a boy doll here.

Dustin Lolli [00:35:59]: It's yours. Okay, thanks, baby. Then I just Watch her play. Basically, it's great.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:36:03]: If you could give your daughters one life lesson in a single sentence, what would it be?

Dustin Lolli [00:36:08]: Oh, man. I would say take chances. Not security chances. As a dad, like, I don't, but don't be afraid to fail. Don't be afraid to fail. And don't. That's always been the one thing I've said to my oldest daughter. A lot is just, just life is meant to be lived.

Dustin Lolli [00:36:22]: So if you, the more balanced you are, the less fearful you are of taking a chance. So do that.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:36:27]: What's one thing you've learned about yourself since becoming a dad?

Dustin Lolli [00:36:31]: That I don't know anything. And if I did, it's not for the right reasons. And I think just as I'm getting older, motivation's everything. Our motives and what, why we do what we do is more important than what we do in the first place. And I think early on it was like everything was I was doing was trying to prove that I was a good dad instead of actually trying to be a good dad dad. And so I, I think for that it's just open. Have an open mind with your kids. They're all different and they all respond differently.

Dustin Lolli [00:36:59]: And as I've gotten older, I just realized the less I know, sometimes the better off I am.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:37:03]: Finally, what advice would you give to other dads who want to build the lasting and meaningful relationship with their daughters?

Dustin Lolli [00:37:10]: Love them. Well, I could come up with something like, real deep and be like, hey, do this checklist. But I just don't think that works. Your daughters are your daughters and they are their own own unique people and personalities. And you have to know what makes. You have to know that. You have to get to know them well enough to know how to love them well. There has to be a connecting point on a human level.

Dustin Lolli [00:37:30]: And it's not just a dad daughter relationship. It's you showing that you're going to be there forever regardless. And that's earned again, I think that's earned over the course of years where you love them well, you treat them well, you support them well, you learn about them, you show interest in their interest, interests, and ultimately you just be the stable force that they need. And because ultimately it's not about us. It's not about us dads. I think the healthiest thing we can think about is it's not about us in the relationship. It's they're the child. It's about us supporting them.

Dustin Lolli [00:38:04]: And so I think there has to be an unselfishness to it that A lot of us don't want to give up. We don't want to give up us. And you don't have to give up all of you. But trust me when I say day, you'll be happier when you start making it about your kid rather than about you. And you'll find freedom in that. And so I would say to them, if you find yourself doing it because you want something, you need to change that. That's. That's where it needs a change.

Dustin Lolli [00:38:27]: It can't be about you. It has to be about her and has to be about her future and her relationship and her stability. And I promise you, when you do that, you'll be rewarded as well. Like, not all sacrifice, you'll be rewarded as well. Well, it's the way it's supposed to be.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:38:42]: Well, Dustin, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for your time today, for sharing your own journey. If people want to find out more about you, about the band, where should they go?

Dustin Lolli [00:38:51]: They can go to sanctusreal.com any of the social media things. We're kind of everywhere. If you Google it, you'll see all the links. Music's on YouTube. It's kind of everywhere. All you gotta do is look it up. This way home. Same thing.

Dustin Lolli [00:39:02]: I mean, we're on Spotify primarily. We don't treat that as like this big thing that we're promoting and all that kind of stuff. That's kind of our own little thing. Thing. So, yeah, I just google it this way home and sanct this real well.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:39:14]: Dustin, I truly appreciate your time today. Thank you for sharing everything that you've shared and I wish you all the best.

Dustin Lolli [00:39:20]: I thank you. Appreciate it. You guys are great.

Dr. Christopher Lewis [00:39:22]: That's a wrap for this episode of the dad and daughter connection. Thanks for joining us on this journey to build stronger bonds and raise confident, independent daughters. Remember, being an engaged dad isn't about being perfect. It's about being present. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe and share it with a fellow dad. And don't forget, you can find all our [email protected] until next time, keep showing up, keep connecting and keep being the dad she needs.

Musical Outro Performer [00:39:53]: We're all in the same boat and it's full of tiny, screaming past messengers. We spend the time, we give the lessons, we make the meals, we buy them presents and bring your A game. Cause those kids are growing fast the time goes by just like a dynamite blast Calling astronauts and firemen carpenters and muscle men get out and be the world you down Be the best dad you can be Be the best dad you can.