Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? A. I don’t know and I don’t care.

"I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila."

"I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'"

"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad."

"Worrying works! More than 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen."

"I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem."

 A book fell on my head the other day. I only have my shelf to blame though.

 I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He’s a small arms dealer.

My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

 Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.