The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.

Refusing to go to the gym is a form of resistance training.

One of the cows didn’t produce milk today. It was an udder failure.

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.

 What’s a frog’s favorite type of shoes? Open toad sandals.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. I guess I was stoned off my ass.

 I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.