Media Links
Website: delvepsych.comInstagram: @delvepsychchicagoYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20Substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/

HostsAli McGarel – Staff Therapist, Delve Psychotherapy of ChicagoAdam W. Fominaya, PhD – Executive & Clinical Director, Delve Psychotherapy of Chicago

Overview of Big IdeasWhy we rush to “fix” the people we love, especially when we’re tired, sick, or stressed.
How family-of-origin dynamics and caregiver meltdowns teach us that big emotions are dangerous and must be shut down.
The costs of jumping to advice, reframes, or “you’ll be fine” before we’ve actually understood the other person.
Concrete skills for genuine empathy: curiosity, open questions, reflection, validation, grounded reassurance, and simply staying present.
Choosing trust and hope as active commitments in relationships so that no one has to be alone in their sorrow.

Breakdown of Segments
Sick, Tired, and Ready to Fight
Ali and Adam start with daylight savings fog and being under the weather, then explore why conflict spikes when our bodies and brains are depleted.

Why We Jump Straight to Fixing
They unpack the impulse to immediately offer solutions—how discomfort with another’s pain, fear of being a “bad partner,” and the urge to restore normalcy push us to shut feelings down.

Childhood Templates for Crisis
They revisit the crisis styles many of us saw growing up: going numb, collapsing, or exploding, and how those patterns script the belief that intense emotion is catastrophic.

Is This a Breakup or Just a Hard Day?
They challenge all-or-nothing thinking in conflict (“If we fight like this, maybe we shouldn’t be together”) and invite a return to shared values and the relationship we actually want to build.

Curiosity as the First Move
Instead of defending against “You never listen,” they model questions like, “What am I missing?” and “Where is this coming from for you?” as doorways back into connection.

What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say
Adam offers language for staying in it: “I don’t know what to say, but I want to understand,” naming what you hear (“I hear panic”), and reflecting both the situation and the feeling.

Validation, Reframing, and Reassurance—In That Order
They differentiate validating the struggle, gently offering a new angle, and only then reassuring. Reassurance lands when it’s rooted in real knowledge of the person, not hollow optimism.

Joining, Modeling, and Being a Steady Presence
They highlight the power of simply being with someone—sharing a game, sitting quietly, and modeling how to move through fear or grief without abandoning yourself or each other.

Metaphors, Images, and Feeling Truly “Gotten”
They explore how vivid metaphors—like being stuck in a hot-air balloon you don’t know how to fly, or stranded on an island—can make people feel deeply and precisely understood.

“Unalone in Our Sorrow” and Climbing Into the Cave
Drawing on John Green’s language about being “unalone in our sorrow,” they frame empathy as climbing down into the cave with someone, not yelling fixes from the edge.

Invitations for Listeners
Listeners are invited to experiment this week: ask one curious question instead of defending yourself, reflect one feeling before offering any solution, and notice how different the conversation feels.

AI Recommended References
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Three Rivers Press.
Miller, W. R., & Rollnick, S. (2013). Motivational interviewing: Helping people change (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.
Rogers, C. R. (1957). The necessary and sufficient conditions of therapeutic personality change. Journal of Consulting Psychology, 21(2), 95–103. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0045357
vlogbrothers. (2023, March 14). The seduction of despair [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIbqS6XoNiE

Media Links
• website: delvepsych.com
• instagram: @delvepsychchicago
• youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20
• substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/

Participants
Hosts:
• Ali McGarel
• Adam Fominaya

Guests:
• None this episode

Overview of Big Ideas
• Anger carries a cultural stigma—especially for women—and is often misread as inherently destructive rather than informative.
• Gendered socialization profoundly shapes how anger is expressed, suppressed, or rewarded.
• Anger frequently masks deeper emotions, but it can also be a primary, clarifying signal about boundaries and injustice.
• Healthy engagement with anger involves intention rather than reactivity, allowing emotion without surrendering to destructive behavior.
• Anger can be transformative: mobilizing social change, strengthening relationships, and helping clients reclaim agency.
• Therapy benefits from bringing live emotion into the room—working with anger directly rather than abstractly.

Breakdown of Segments

• How We Learn Anger
Ali and Adam explore how Western norms teach women to soften or hide anger, while men are pushed to redirect vulnerable emotions into aggression. The conversation moves through examples from sports, childhood messaging, and cultural expectations.

• Anger as Messenger
They discuss anger as a boundary signal and its role in motivating social change. Anger doesn’t always conceal a “deeper” feeling—sometimes it is the primary, meaningful emotion.

• Gender, Culture, and Emotional Permission
Adam outlines how emotion expression is policed differently in workplaces, relationships, and friend groups. Ali reflects on internal vs. external pressures to appear “not too much,” especially for women.

• Anger Work in Therapy
The hosts compare approaches:
– Helping clients identify emotions beneath over-reliance on anger
– Helping others find anger when they over-internalize
– Using emotional experience in session (even conflict) as therapeutic material
– Distinguishing anger (emotion) from aggression (behavior)
– Teaching clients to respond rather than react

• Healthy Expression
Skills include: intentional timing, self-focused language, boundary setting, and aligning behavior with goals and values. They draw parallels with relational patterns, breakups, and the role of clarity of purpose.

• Social Change & Systemic Anger
They reflect on anger’s historical function in collective action and protest, and the importance of discerning when forceful boundary-setting becomes necessary.

• Final Reflection: Language, Cultural Norms, and “Dreams Don’t Got Timelines”
Adam riffs on linguistic elitism and language evolution, leading into a closing reflection on releasing rigid timelines for life goals and allowing oneself to pursue dreams without expiration dates.

AI Recommended References

Barrett, L. F. (2017). How emotions are made: The secret life of the brain. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.

Ellis, A., & Dryden, W. (1997). The practice of rational emotive behavior therapy (2nd ed.). Springer.

Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man’s search for meaning. Beacon Press. (Original work published 1959)

Greenberg, L. S. (2015). Emotion-focused therapy: Coaching clients to work through their feelings (2nd ed.). American Psychological Association.

Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Tavris, C. (1989). Anger: The misunderstood emotion. Simon & Schuster.

Media Links

• Website: delvepsych.com

• Instagram: @delvepsychchicago

• YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20

• Substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/

Hosts: Ali McGarel, Adam Fominaya
Guest: None this episode

• A viral “seven questions” claim about therapy gets a careful walkthrough—what’s useful, what’s oversimplified, and what’s missing.

• Themes: worth and lovability; fear of rejection; relating to emotions vs. controlling them; identity as co-created; finding meaning; contemporary grief work; and breaking repetitive, familiar patterns.

• Throughlines: how individualism shapes pop-psych, why discomfort is part of change, and how warmth and repair build safety in relationships and parenting.

• Warm-up & house notes. Why this recurring format (social media take, Reddit Qs, topic dive, listener feedback). Quick ask to share the show.

• The seven questions—one by one.

  1. Am I enough/lovable? Inherent worth and how achievement/appearance messages can skew “lovability.”

  2. Will I be rejected or betrayed? Attachment patterns and staying with yourself rather than pre-emptively bolting.

  3. How do I stay safe/in control? Shift from control to relating to emotions; broaden strategies beyond thought-policing.

  4. Who am I really? Pushback on the lone “true self” hunt; identity is co-constructed with others and culture.

  5. What does this mean? Purpose and meaning as stabilizers; the value (and scarcity) of existential work.

  6. How do I live with loss? Grief is cyclical; resist rescuing—sit with pain while supporting engagement with life.

  7. Why do I keep sabotaging myself? Familiar ≠ healthy; growth can feel “unreasonable” at first.

• Parenting & repair. Simple, honest repairs (“I didn’t like how I spoke to you”) communicate safety over time.

• ACT mountain image. Be the mountain; weather changes, you remain.

• Close. Bravery often comes before readiness; discomfort is part of change.

• Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.

• Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment. Lawrence Erlbaum.

• Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (1999). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Guilford Press.

• Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. Guilford Press. (Emotion regulation & acceptance skills.)

• Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). “The ‘What’ and ‘Why’ of Goal Pursuits.” Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268. (Self-Determination Theory: needs for autonomy, competence, relatedness.)

• Frankl, V. E. (1946/2006). Man’s Search for Meaning. Beacon Press.

• Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On Death and Dying. Macmillan.

• Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). “The Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement.” Death Studies, 23(3), 197–224.

• Wachtel, P. L. (1997). Psychoanalysis and Behavior Therapy: Toward an Integration. Basic Books. (Cyclical patterns in distress and change.)

• Source discussed on-air: Weaver, G. C. “80% of therapy is about one of these seven questions.” (Instagram post).

ParticipantsOverview of Big IdeasBreakdown of SegmentsAI Recommended References

Media Links

• Website: delvepsych.com

• Instagram: @delvepsychchicago

• YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20

• Substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/

Hosts: Ali McGarel, Adam Fominaya
Guests: None

We often rush to label people—“toxic,” “narcissistic,” “rude”—instead of sitting with our own discomfort. This episode explores how that habit (appraisal/judgment) protects us in the short term but costs us connection, nuance, and growth. Adam and Ali unpack why the brain loves categories, how common attribution errors fuel snap judgments, and a simple four-part framework for talking about hard moments without blame.

• Why we default to judgment: Externalizing is easier than self-examination; labels feel safer than uncertainty.

• Everyday examples: A harmless comment or a tense moment on a first date can trigger elaborate stories that say more about us than them.

• What overusing “toxic/narcissist” reveals: Chronic labeling often reflects our own fears and hypervigilance, not objective reality.

• Own your inner experience: Swap “you made me feel” for “here’s what came up in me.”

• Four actions for tough conversations:

  1. Share primary emotions,

  2. Ask open, non-leading questions,

  3. Make requests (not demands),

  4. Offer gifts (recognition, care, goodwill).

• Big-picture psychology: Attribution theory, fundamental attribution error, and actor–observer bias explain why we misread others.

• Quote of the day: “We suffer more in our imagination than in reality.” Tied to how our narratives amplify pain.

• What’s next: Interest in deeper dives on Stoicism/Buddhism and a future book review of Selfie.

• Heider, F. (1958). The Psychology of Interpersonal Relations. Wiley.

• Jones, E. E., & Davis, K. E. (1965). “From Acts to Dispositions: The Attribution Process in Person Perception.” In L. Berkowitz (Ed.), Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, Vol. 2, pp. 219–266. Academic Press.

• Kelley, H. H. (1973). “The Processes of Causal Attribution.” American Psychologist, 28, 107–128.

• Ross, L. (1977). “The Intuitive Psychologist and His Shortcomings: Distortions in the Attribution Process.” In L. Berkowitz (Ed.), Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, Vol. 10, pp. 173–220. Academic Press.

• Jones, E. E., & Nisbett, R. E. (1971). “The Actor and the Observer: Divergent Perceptions of the Causes of Behavior.” In E. E. Jones et al. (Eds.), Attribution: Perceiving the Causes of Behavior. General Learning Press.

• Seneca, Epistulae Morales ad Lucilium, Letter 13 (“De Vanis Terroribus”): “Plura sunt… opinione quam re laboramus.”

• Hirschman, A. O. (1970). Exit, Voice, and Loyalty: Responses to Decline in Firms, Organizations, and States. Harvard University Press.

--Media Links--• Website: delvepsych.com• Instagram: @delvepsychchicago• YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20• Substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/

--Participants--Hosts: Ali McGarel, Adam Fominaya

--Overview of Big Ideas--Ali and Adam respond to a listener’s Reddit post about self-forgiveness, guilt, and shame. They unpack how over-identifying with depression, anxiety, or ADHD can limit growth, and how self-forgiveness often means acceptance, not erasure of the past. They explore the distinction between rumination and emotional processing, discuss how diagnostic labels can both clarify and constrain, and reflect on what it means to live virtuously in the present rather than chasing redemption through others’ perceptions.

--Breakdown of Segments--
• The Reddit question: how do you really forgive yourself?
• The trap of over-identifying with diagnoses like depression or ADHD
• Shifting from blame and identity to choice and responsibility
• Adam’s critique of diagnostic thinking and the illusion of “clarity”
• The book Selfie and how individualism distorts identity and self-worth
• Ali and Adam on present-focused living: “What do you want to do now?”
• Flaws as subjective traits — the same traits can be strengths
• Processing vs. ruminating: emotional change as the marker of progress
• Narrative exposure therapy and how trauma processing actually feels
• Forgiveness as acceptance, not permission or forgetting
• The quote: “Rescuing them from their struggle invalidates their struggle and their strength.”
• Why therapists shouldn’t “save” clients but trust their resilience

--References--
• Selfie: How We Became So Self-Obsessed and What It’s Doing to Us by Will Storr (2017)
• Schreiber, M., & Maercker, A. (2011). “Rebuilding Meaning after Trauma: Theory and Applications of Narrative Exposure Therapy.” Frontiers in Psychology.
• Epictetus, Enchiridion — Stoic principles of focusing on what is within one’s control.
• Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. (discussion of acceptance and change balance).

--Media Links--• Website: delvepsych.com• Instagram: @delvepsychchicago• YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20• Substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/

--Participants--Hosts: Ali McGarel, Adam Fominaya

--Overview of Big Ideas--Ali and Adam tackle the deceptively simple question, “How do we know if psychotherapy is working?” They explore the tension between scientific measurement and human experience—how therapy outcomes resist clean quantification, and how psychology’s methods often rest on value judgments rather than objective truths. Adam shares his evolving skepticism toward traditional measures like depression scores, questioning whether they capture anything “real.” Together, they wrestle with the institutional, philosophical, and ethical implications of trying to prove psychotherapy’s worth—while acknowledging that real change is still felt deeply in the therapy room.

--Breakdown of Segments--• Opening reflections on science vs heart in therapy• Why psychology struggles to measure “real” outcomes• Constructs, validity, and the limits of objectivity• How “values judgments” sneak into definitions of health and success• The difference between feeling better and being well• The field’s bias toward legitimizing itself rather than questioning itself• Acknowledging the tension between subjective evidence and genuine transformation• Closing quote: “Obsessing about why is an abandonment of what is” — exploring when curiosity turns into avoidance

--References--• Cronbach, L. J., & Meehl, P. E. (1955). Construct validity in psychological tests. Psychological Bulletin, 52(4), 281–302.• Wampold, B. E., & Imel, Z. E. (2015). The Great Psychotherapy Debate: The Evidence for What Makes Psychotherapy Work. Routledge.• Bohart, A. C., & Tallman, K. (2010). Clients: The neglected common factor in psychotherapy. In The Heart and Soul of Change: Delivering What Works in Therapy (2nd ed.). American Psychological Association.

--Media Links--
• Website: delvepsych.com
• Instagram: @delvepsychchicago
• YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20
• Substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/

--Participants--
Hosts: Ali McGarel, Adam Fominaya

--Overview of Big Ideas--
Ali and Adam explore how psychology risks losing touch with its human roots. They discuss how modern training, empirical pressures, and the push for legitimacy have over-mechanized therapy—turning it into protocols rather than relationships. The episode advocates reclaiming warmth, authenticity, and relational presence as the true foundation of healing work.

--Breakdown of Segments--
• Opening reflections on global listeners and spreading helpful ideas.• Adam’s reflections from Thailand and reading Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning.• The “loss of humanity” in psychology: how experimentalism, empiricism, and behaviorism overshadow the human element.• Ali’s question: why does a field built to help humans feel so mechanized?• The profession’s effort to prove legitimacy through “hard science” methods.• Psychology as the “most fundamental science”—since all science is done by humans.• How to bring humanity back: the power of relationship and genuine care.• Carl Rogers and common-factors research—why empathy and presence matter more than technique.• Balancing care and boundaries; being human without over-involvement.• The art of self-disclosure—sharing for the client’s benefit, not one’s own.• Storytelling as ancient human teaching; reclaiming it in therapy.• Closing reflections on authenticity: clients come for your humanity, not robotic answers.• Quote of the day: “You are not afraid of abandonment. You are afraid of confirming your existing belief that you are unlovable.”• Discussion on attachment styles—why real growth happens in relationships, not outside them.• Metaphor of learning to ride a bike—security and growth require being “on the bike.”

--References--• Frankl, V. E. (1959). Man’s Search for Meaning. Beacon Press.• Rogers, C. R. (1957). The necessary and sufficient conditions of therapeutic personality change. Journal of Consulting Psychology, 21(2), 95-103.• Wampold, B. E., & Imel, Z. E. (2015). The Great Psychotherapy Debate: The Evidence for What Makes Psychotherapy Work. Routledge.• Bandura, A. (1977). Social Learning Theory. Prentice Hall.

--Media Links--
• Website: delvepsych.com
• Instagram: @delvepsychchicago
• YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20
• Substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/

--Participants--
Hosts: Ali McGarel, Adam Fominaya
Guests: none

--Overview of Big Ideas--
• Can other people “make” us feel something? The show argues that emotions are ours; words like “attacked” or “rejected” are often perceptions or judgments, not feelings.
• Swapping finger-pointy language (“you made me…”) for “I felt…” reduces defensiveness and keeps the focus on your inner experience.
• Break arguments into parts: what happened, what you felt, and what you needed—instead of litigating who said what.
• You can’t choose your first feeling, but you are responsible for your next thought and first action; there’s a choice point between stimulus and response.
• Past experiences “prime” certain reactions; sequence isn’t the same as cause. Noticing your patterns gives you more freedom.
• Attention shapes outcomes: what you focus on in dating or friendships can quietly recreate old dynamics.

--Breakdown of Segments--
• Listener question: “Do other people make us feel emotions?”
• Feelings vs. perceptions: why “attacked,” “blamed,” and “rejected” aren’t emotions—and what to say instead.
• The skill: “break it into pieces”—separating their behavior, your interpretation, your emotion, and your need.
• Name-calling example: how to set a clear boundary (“I want friendships without name-calling”) without counterattacks.
• The fallacy trap: after-then-therefore—why heated moments wake up old hurts, but don’t strictly cause them.
• Choice in action: you can’t pick your first feeling, but you can pick your next move.
• Dating aside: the “cyclical irony” of distress—how our attention and habits can re-invite the very patterns we don’t want.
• Closing: invite to share the pod; ask female-identified listeners to pass it along to male-identified friends.

--References--
• Rosenberg, M. B. (2015). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (3rd ed.). PuddleDancer Press. (Practical tools for naming feelings/needs without blame.) Center for Nonviolent Communication
• Lazarus, R. S. (1991). Emotion and Adaptation. Oxford University Press. (Appraisal theory: emotions arise from how we evaluate events.) Oxford University Press
• Gross, J. J. (1998). The Emerging Field of Emotion Regulation: An Integrative Review. Review of General Psychology. (Process model for choosing responses to emotion.) SAGE Journals
• The Gottman Institute. “The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling” (and antidotes). (Research-based guidance for de-escalating conflict.) Gottman Institute+1
• Encyclopaedia Britannica. “Post hoc ergo propter hoc.” (On the fallacy of mistaking sequence for cause.) Encyclopedia Britannica
• Frankl, V. E. Man’s Search for Meaning. Beacon Press. (A classic argument for freedom of response and responsibility.) Beacon

--Media Links--
• Website: delvepsych.com
• Instagram: @delvepsychchicago
• YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20
• Substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/

--Participants--
Hosts: Ali McGarel, Adam Fominaya
Guests: none

--Overview of Big Ideas--
• The “never good enough” feeling is a story our minds tell—often fueled by comparison and hedonic adaptation. It shifts the goalposts and keeps us chasing. ResearchGate+1
• Don’t wait to feel better before you act. Do small, values-aligned actions even on hard days; behavior change often precedes mood change. (ACT + Behavioral Activation.) PubMed+1
• Your emotions, thoughts, and identity are related but separable; identifying as your diagnosis can tighten the box of self-stigma. Wiley Online Library
• With others, understanding repairs more than “I’m sorry.” Real apologies pair genuine remorse with concrete change; in couples, effective repairs matter more than perfect words. ncmr.lps.library.cmu.edu+1

--Breakdown of Segments--
• Reddit prompt: “Ever feel like you’ll never be good enough?” What that story does to motivation and hope.
• Outcome chasing vs. living now: why waiting to “arrive” keeps us from the life we want.
• “Feel bad, do it anyway”: values, goals, and tiny actions when the day is heavy. PubMed+1
• The danger of self-labels: moving from “this is who I am” to “this is what I’m feeling and choosing next.” Wiley Online Library
• When your past is thrown in your face: systems get used to old roles; sometimes you set boundaries, re-narrate, or disengage.
• Apologies vs. understanding: why good understanding often dissolves the “need” for an apology—and what a real apology includes (remorse + change). ncmr.lps.library.cmu.edu
• Quick sign-off and teaser for future topics (nonlinearity of change).

--References--
• Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J., Bond, F., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: Model, processes, and outcomes. Behaviour Research and Therapy. (Values + committed action framework.) PubMed+2Anxiety Institute+2
• Dimidjian, S., et al. (2006). Randomized trial of behavioral activation, cognitive therapy, and antidepressant medication. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. (Doing first can lift mood—especially for severe depression.) PubMed
• Wills, T. A. (1981). Downward comparison principles in social psychology. Psychological Bulletin. (Why “others would envy what I’m loathing” sometimes helps.) ResearchGate
• Brickman, P., Coates, D., & Janoff-Bulman, R. (1978). Lottery winners and accident victims: Is happiness relative? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. (Classic hedonic adaptation study.) Gwern+1
• Corrigan, P. W., & Watson, A. C. (2002). The paradox of self-stigma and mental illness. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice. (Risks of over-identifying with diagnosis.) Wiley Online Library
• Lewicki, R. J., Polin, B., & Lount, R. (2016). An exploration of the structure of effective apologies. Negotiation and Conflict Management Research. (Six elements: regret, explanation, responsibility, repentance, repair, request.) ncmr.lps.library.cmu.edu
• Scher, S. J., & Darley, J. M. (1997). How effective are the things people say to apologize? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. (Why “sorry if/that you felt…” backfires.) SpringerLink
• Gottman, J., et al. (2000). Predicting marital stability and divorce in newlyweds. Journal of Family Psychology. (Repair and interaction patterns predict outcomes.) John Gottman

--Media Links--
• Website: delvepsych.com
• Instagram: @delvepsychchicago
• YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20
• Substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/

--Participants--
Hosts: Ali McGarel, Adam Fominaya
Guests: none

--Overview of Big Ideas--
• The Delve framework defines three pillars: Goals (specific, measurable, and discrete “one-and-done” projects), Needs (what you require from the world to stay well—universal, personal, and transient), and Values (broad, evolving directions for how you live).

• Pursue purpose, not perfection: contentment comes from daily pursuit of goals/needs/values, not from chasing end states.
• Emotions are signals, not dictators: unpleasant feelings often flag drift from your stated purpose—use them to realign rather than to avoid action.
• Don’t let wants, proclivities, or momentary emotional reactions steer your life; take responsibility for choices that align with purpose.
• Examples in practice: facing fears while acting on values (e.g., social anxiety work in group, spider phobia via exposure); relationships heal in vivo, not before you begin them.

--Breakdown of Segments--
• Why this episode: celebrating #20 and why purpose beats outcomes.
• The Delve definitions: what “goals,” “needs,” and “values” mean in this model.
• Goals: make them objective and discrete (book, degree, wedding), not vague states (“be better in relationships”).
• Needs in three layers: universal (autonomy, connection), personal (your unique emphasis—e.g., financial security), transient (“Sims-style” sleep/food/space needs that burst out if ignored).
• Values: broad directions (health, creativity, honesty) that flex across seasons of life; keep names out of values so they survive life’s changes.
• Avoiding traps: wants vs needs; proclivities vs choices; reacting to feelings vs acting from values.
• Pursuit over outcome: the journey is your life—graduations are brief; purpose is daily.
• Using feelings as feedback: two questions—“What have I not been paying attention to?” and “What do I intend to do now?”
• Updating your list: it’s living—test, learn, and revise as life changes.
• A nudge on responsibility: kindness isn’t incompatibile with being a bit selfish—put your mask on first.

--References--
• Greenberg, L. (2011). Emotion-Focused Therapy (APA)—core EFT text on working with emotions as information and change agents. American Psychological Association
• Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2016). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, 2e: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change (Guilford)—values-based action and psychological flexibility. Guilford Press
• Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). “The What and Why of Goal Pursuits: Human Needs and the Self-Determination of Behavior.” Psychological Inquiry—autonomy, competence, relatedness as basic psychological needs. Self Determination Theory
• Locke, E. A., & Latham, G. P. (2002). “Building a Practically Useful Theory of Goal Setting and Task Motivation.” American Psychologist—evidence behind specific, challenging goals and measurable endpoints. PubMed
• Doran, G. T. (1981). “There’s a S.M.A.R.T. Way to Write Management’s Goals and Objectives.” Management Review—origin of SMART; useful contrast with the Delve “discrete project” emphasis. community.mis.temple.edu
• Craske, M. G., Treanor, M., Conway, C. C., Zbozinek, T., & Vervliet, B. (2014). “Maximizing Exposure Therapy: An Inhibitory Learning Approach.” Behaviour Research and Therapy—why exposure while anxious is effective. PMC
• Heimberg, R. G., et al. (1990). “Cognitive-behavioral group treatment for social phobia.” Behaviour Research and Therapy—evidence base for group work with social anxiety. SpringerLink
• Ryff, C. D. (2013). “Psychological Well-Being Revisited.” Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics (review)—eudaimonic well-being (purpose/meaning) and health links.