The Difficulty: Creativity, Meaning & the Hard Work of a Life

Chad and Shelley have a session on how to break through the obstacles that stand in the way to living a bigger life, a life you want. Maybe you don't even know what that life is, or maybe you want certain things for the wrong reasons. Lyndie Putnam helps us see from the inside out where we want to be and how to get there.

Lyndie Putnam is a certified Life Coach and Seminar Leader who helps ambitious professionals and entrepreneurs strengthen their mindset to break free from personal limitations, reach their goals, and create a life they love. She does this by guiding her clients to go deep within for self-discovery and growth. Whether it is building a business, working on personal goals, or feeling more comfortable in one’s own skin, Lyndie’s mission is to empower her clients to grow and become the best version of themselves.

Time Stamps:

2:18 Common limiting beliefs that Lyndie Putnam sees with her clients.

5:30 And so awareness is the key to anything it's the first step and so I always help my client first and foremost we we identify what they truly want and why they want it.

9:44 The deeper why. The difference between an authentic calling and trying to prove yourself to someone.

13:30 Lyndie shares her experience dealing with crippling fear as a salesperson in the oil and gas industry early on after graduating from college with a degree in psychology.

15:00 For some people you maybe shouldn't quit your day job while building your dream.

23:36 The importance of practicing gratitude day and night.

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After a letdown, the idea is to gather your strength especially in the places you feel broken and bounce back even higher than you fell. Failing and falling is a part of life. It’s a part of growth, if you use it right. A setback is a setback if you don’t. Setbacks can lead you to getting enveloped in fear and anxiety. They can keep you looping in mediocrity, jaded and scarred.

At the same time, failure offers you an opportunity to grow and learn from your shortcomings. Failure is a mindset. You don’t really fail until you choose to end the story there. When you call yourself a failure, you begin to inhabit the identity of a failure. Every unsuccessful attempt isn’t a failure as long as you keep trying to learn. If you want to succeed, think of failure as your teacher—your personal trainer—raising the exercise bar so you can learn from your mistakes.

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Chad and Shelley sit down for a session of self-knowledge with Anthony Moore. In a fascinating and quick-paced session we get down to the fundamentals: the five things extraordinary people know, and do.

Anthony Moore has been a top Medium writer since 2017. His articles have been featured in Business Insider, Fast Company, Thought Catalog, CNBC, Yahoo!, and Thrive Global. Hundreds of thousands of readers view his articles every month. He is the author of What Extraordinary People Know: How to Cut the Busy B.S. and Live Your Kick-Ass Life. You can find out more about Moore at https://www.anthonymoore.co.

Time Stamps:

2:37 The impetus of the What Extraordinary People Know book. Looking at all careers and social classes and demographics of you know, actors, entrepreneurs, CEOs, artists, creators, and the extraordinary kind of like, section of that that group. It's like, what do they know? And what are their mindsets, their behaviors, their habits. And if you study these people, what makes them different, you actually start to see some pretty striking similarities and themes.

3:40 The first thing that extraordinary people know and do really well.

8:21 Anthony agrees with Shelley that you can know a lot of this way of trying to maximize your time like extraordinary people, but it can still be so hard to know how to turn it off at a certain time and keep your batteries charged.

11:44 The second thing extraordinary people know and do.

14:39 Easy money and hard money and the third thing extraordinary people know and do.

24:12 The fourth thing extraordinary people know and do.

28:36 The fifth thing extraordinary people know and do.

33:21 The way identity plays a role in inhabiting your mindsets and beliefs.

39:21 Getting clarity on what you value and what you want.

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At the Big Self School, we know you want to connect with the world in a way that’s meaningful and get rid of the feeling that life is just passing you by without you having anything to show for it. To do that, you need a community that supports you as you rediscover your purpose and resources to help you along the way. 

We want to celebrate a few big happenings in the Big Self School. 

What are five life-changing practices you can apply to your life to develop a deeper awareness and understanding of yourself? Tune in to find out.

Time Stamps:

2:00 Why is it so hard to develop self-knowledge?

5:00 Psychology's contribution to self-knowledge over the past 200 years.

7:00 The foundation of having higher emotional intelligence, being able to connect with people in a real way, being able to know yourself well enough to know where you're strong, where you're not strong. It makes for more durable relationships it makes for better parenting. Well, all these really practical outcomes that I, you know, I want people to know, there's that there's a point to all of this, this self knowledge.

15:00 The technique of active reflective writing.

20:30  Like there's a we have to take the punch and the criticism out of this kind of honesty that we need to give and ask ourselves some tough questions like what do I need to be taking responsibility for in my life, in order to get the life or move forward?

24:45 Doing the shadow work.

29:50 What's going on with Big Self School?

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“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." –Dalai Lama

We could all use a little more self-compassion right now, but why is self-compassion so hard? We talk about the power of the inner critic, where it comes from and how it functions. In the face of this critic, we need to cultivate self-compassion. 

Where does the inner critic and negative inner voice come from? You weren’t born with it. These voices are constructed. They tend to be an assembly of voices we’ve heard outside of us. All of the influences from our caretakers to our coaches to our friends to the media. And the voices reinforce our ego’s protective function — to ensure we’re not shamed or teased or corrected again. We want to be in the tribe. We want to do what pleases others.

Experts are starting to agree that self-compassion is more powerful than self-esteem. Kristin Neff's research, alongside the research of other leading psychologists, indicates that people who feel compassionate toward themselves, their imperfections, and their failures ultimately experience greater well-being than those who are hypercritical.

Letting go of dangerous and destructive self-criticism can finally lead to happiness and self-love.

We talk about Kristin Neff's three stages of self-compassion. At any point in your day, you can pause and have a self-compassion break.

Time Stamps:

4:55 Speaking of changing your life, today, we're talking about the practice of compassion, self-compassion. And the Dalai Lama. Let's start with this quote, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” I like that because Because what I've been learning about self-compassion. Shelley, is that it's how you interact with yourself?

6:10 Why do you think it's so hard for people? We're hard on ourselves. Now, why are we hard on ourselves? Especially in today's milieu, our cultural context, you start looking, you're just like, look at these amazing lives that every single person I'm looking at is living. And you start pointing the finger at yourself and you start thinking a little lesser of yourself.

11:47 The power of the critic, the inner critic that can really trip us up because it sees a deficiency and it latches on to it.

15:41 We have been talking about mindfulness from time to time on the podcast sometimes as an antidote to anxiety. By really looking it in the eye you disempower it. You confront it. And that's the same thing I think that we're talking about here. With a little self-compassion is to be aware of your emotions turn to them with curiosity.

19:47 The second stage is common humanity. And I love this step because when we are in a negative downward spiral, Usually, you know, when the inner critic is, is doing its job, it's meant to diminish us to keep us safe is a lot of how it works. We think we're the only one.

26:42 The first step is really about awareness that this is this hurts. This is uncomfortable. This is what I'm feeling. The second step with this common humanity is, you know, I'm not alone in this and we all struggle with this. And then the third one is truly being warm with yourself like, sometimes I'll even do this, like put my hand on my heart and like really talk to myself in terms of like kindness. May I be kind to myself.

29:45 And it's not self pity. It doesn't mean you're weak. It's not being selfish by you know, having compassion for yourself but I think maybe the most important one for us to contrast it with is self esteem. Because I could very much see you know, someone saying, Oh, this is being kind to yourself is that jack handy thing from Saturday Night Live have you know, people like me and yeah, so I'm okay and you're okay.

32:09 Write a self-compassion letter.

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Remember the days when we were dreaming of the opportunity to work from home? 

The workplace can be full of distractions, empty time, needless meetings and interpersonal drama. At home you have flexibility, autonomy, and the comfort of working in your own space. Pre-pandemic, it was clear that in many cases you could simply get more done. 

But now that it is forced upon us, and the days and weeks blur into one another, the perception of our work and home life balance has shifted again. Throw in the fact that many of us are functioning in crisis, and that many of our kids are going to school online, or half-online and half in-person, and we’re faced with a whole new reality when it comes to working from home.

On this week's episode, we discuss how each of the 9 Enneagram types flourish and struggle with remote work.

Timestamps:

3:00 We are discussing Enneagram types today and their work from home styles. Are you working from home? This topic will provide some insight into how to be your best work-at-home self.

4:48 Type 1. The Reformer, the Improver, the Perfectionist. They have high standards for their work but can have a hard time being flexible, which is a challenge in the work-at-home environment.

8:08 Type 2. They are the Helpers. Their pitfall is that they struggle with setting boundaries but the gifts they bring to the table include caring a lot about other's well being.

12:17 Type 3. They are achievers and are driven to succeed. They tend to ignore their own needs, though, in pursuit of that success. We share some ideas for threes to be best working at home.

16:54 Type 4. The Romantic, the Individualist. They are creative, artistic, and make beautiful things for us to enjoy. But they tend to become unproductive working on these creative projects. 

21:44 Type 5. The Thinkers. Type fives are extremely boundaried, so others tend to see them as aloof and withdrawn. The great thing is that Fives are really great at working from home. 

25:24 Type 6. The loyal skeptic. They are motivated by feeling safe. Their downfall is that they tend to look for problems. They are extremely loyal, and always prepared.

30:03 Type 7. The Enthusiast. They are motivated to enjoy. Sevens are energetic, fun, and exciting. Working at home, they may tend to be easily distracted. 

33:09 Type 8. The Challenger or Protector. They are a body type, so are very in tune with their gut. One pitfall for Eights is that they can be seen as aggressors. On the flip side, one of their strengths is that they are clear and direct, and great with boundaries.

37:39 Type 9. They are the Peacemakers. One of the pitfalls of Nines is that they fail to speak up in order to maintain peace, but one of their strengths is that they have a way of making others around them feel at peace.

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Back by popular demand: the Learning Curve where Shelley and Chad dish on what they’ve been learning during this pandemic while we’re all still trying to flatten the curve.

Shelley dishes on what we’ve been learning about trust. She’s got this really cool equation for how you can know just how well you build and establish trust in all your relationships, and how well you receive it. We call it the trust equation.

At the Big Self School, we know you want to connect with the world in a way that’s meaningful and get rid of the feeling that life is just passing you by without you having anything to show for it. To do that, you need a community that supports you as you rediscover your purpose and resources to help you along the way.

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“It is not the strongest or the most intelligent who will survive but those who can best manage change.” —Charles Darwin

The American Psychological Association (APA) defines adaptability as “the capacity to make appropriate responses to changed or changing situations; the ability to modify or adjust one's behavior in meeting different circumstances or different people.”

On this week's episode we ask you six questions to help you discern and determine your own level of adaptability, and think about the soft spots where maybe you could do a little better. We're being forced to be adaptive under today's pandemic conditions. No one said this would be easy.

Timestamps:

1:56 After having to practice this very thing in a big way this week, we're talking about adaptability today on the podcast. We're defining adaptability according to the APA, and discussing whether it's a natural predisposition or a skill that can be learned.

7:43 Okay, let's dive into some questions you can ask yourself to gauge your own adaptability. Our first question has to do with your resilience, your perseverance, grit, and focus.

11:26 Are you open-minded? Do you have a fixed mindset or a growth mindset? We discuss our second question.

14:04 Our third question: How willing are you to improvise? do your perfectionistic tendencies get in the way or your adaptability? Guess which one of us needs a little work in this area.

17:55 Question number four has to do with our cognitive, emotional, dispositional flexibility. Which of the three would you say is most important? Shelley shares her thoughts on that question.

23:55 Our fifth question discusses problem-solving. Are you someone who looks for problems, that just knows things will go wrong? Are you defeated as soon as the problem arises? Or do you get creative when problems arise?

26:21 Our last question addresses that hard space where you're not really where you want to be but there is no solution. When things are just uncertain, are you okay with it?

30:10 It really is all easier said than done. Shelley drops a big truth bomb about how all this works together in our lives.

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“Self-care is never a selfish act—it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others. Anytime we can listen to true self and give the care it requires, we do it not only for ourselves, but for the many others whose lives we touch.” —Parker Palmer

The term “self-care” has been used and abused, and seems to be generally misunderstood. It’s become a buzzword, directly related to the retail side of the wellness industry. The marketing leads us to believe self-care means regular spa days, wine in the bathtub, expensive vacations, retail therapy, and basically anything involving gratuitous “self(ish)” indulgence. 

Genuine self-care isn’t selfish. It’s healthy. It’s necessary for a thriving self and, therefore, life.

Self-care helps us refuel and recharge so we can be there for others. If we are not showing up for ourselves, it becomes harder and harder to show up for the people in our lives. It is no less true for women as it is for men.

We hash it out on this week’s podcast episode from the Big Self School. Shelley offers up some unconventional ideas and approaches to self-care, and Chad now feels free to go mountain biking every day. Maybe they’re still figuring a few things out too. Tune in to see what you think.

Timestamps

1:14 We're talking about self-care today and starting off the podcast by discussing some of the ideas and misconceptions around self-care and touch on how men approach self-care vs. how women approach it.

7:11 Shelley shares her definition of self-care, and we talk about how our own self-care is not only about ourselves.

10:00 Okay, let's get more specific about the kind of self-care practices we're talking about here. Avoid leap-frogging over the inner self-care with the band-aid approach

12:57 One way to understand the right inner self-care practice for you is to look at the Enneagram. We talk about the different triads within the Enneagram and the kind of self-care that can be really helpful for each type.

20:57 How self-care connects with our four pillars of awareness, connection, action, and wellness, and how you can hone in on those things with us at The Big Self School

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Your ego and your “calling” in life can look surprisingly similar. Both pull you toward the realization of your desires. Ego assembles your personality. It manages your fragile identity while you figure out who you are. It protects you from the onslaught of societal expectations and motivates you to work hard and achieve things. But ego alone can also skew you toward thinking that hard work and achievement are the goals in life.

If your ego assembles your personality and manages your identity, then your calling is invested in making sure it’s authentic — who you really are. So, how can you know which one is really driving your work?

Time Stamps:

2:06 Shelley shares the impetus for this week's topic and how it is drawn from her own experience. Is the ego all bad? Should we work to rid ourselves of the ego? Shelley tells us what part the Ego plays in our mental health.

7:12 We talk about the difference between a small ego and a quiet ego

9:55 We discuss John Welwood's concept of Spiritual Bypass. 

15:44 Get ready to go back to when you were 5. Let's dive into the 5 ways to distinguish your call from your ego. We talk about #1 here. 

18:22 How are anxiety and silence clues? Shelley explains the second way to distinguish your ego from your calling.

21:20 Number three on our list is about burnout and fulfillment correlate with ego and calling. 

24:14 The 4th way to distinguish your ego from your calling is to examine whether the focus is on the result or the process. We talk about that here.

26:15 Number five rounds out the list with whether we are focused on preserving ourselves or serving others.

28:40 We chat a little about the upcoming launch of Big Self School.

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