Dealing with passive aggressive comments are some of the hardest statements to respond to. Using the "translation" process it helps us protect our boundaries from these hurtful comments without creating a fight. 

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What is emotional connection?

Why does it often decrease over time in relationships and how can we get it back?

Emotional connection or intimacy is sometimes hard to describe, but it's easy to know when it's gone. In this episode, Emil discusses the pattern of decreasing emotional investment in relationships and how to turn things around.

Creating shared emotional experiences is the key to connection. Emotional intimacy is the attunement and resonation of our emotional experiences. When emotions are understood and validated, they become a shared experience. Below is an exercise to sharpen skills needed for emotional intimacy.

Learn to share emotions:

• Identify an emotion. Use an emotions chart or feelings wheel to pick an emotion. 
• Look up what that emotion means. 
• Share a story that makes that emotion make sense. 

Learn to identify the emotions of your partner:

• When your partner is speaking, look for the emotions they are expressing.
• Try to recognize the emotion in the story and then share with your partner. 

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Is happiness really a choice? What role should your partner play in your happiness? In this episode, Emil describes the roles and responsibilities we have as individuals and as partners regarding happiness. He explains why taking responsibility for your partner’s happiness can lead to an amazing marriage. 

But what if your partner is never happy regardless of your efforts? 
What if they don’t try to make you happy? 

Emil discusses the role of personal responsibility and when it may be time to change your circumstances. 

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What is the secret to a great marriage? 

This is the most frequent question that I receive.

The answer is simple: seeking, receiving, and responding to feedback.

In this episode, I share how feedback is the key to true closeness.  I explain why the purpose of marriage is growth and becoming our best selves, not comfort and convenience.

Feedback Check-In

1.      I am working on __________.

2.      On a scale of 1-10, how am I doing on _________?

3.      What can I do to move that number closer to 10?

4.      What else can I do to make to make you (my partner) feel love and like a priority?

For a copy of Emil’s Feedback Check-In handout, email him at [email protected]

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What are the rules about bringing things up from the past? 

In relationships, partners often bring up the past during arguments in the present. Why does this happen, when is it legitimate, and how do we handle it?  In this episode, Emil answers all these questions and more.

 Why do people bring up past events:

1.     They are unsure of how to communicate their feelings of disappointment in the present and use past events or behaviors to support, intensify, or accentuate the expression of their current feelings. Using past events in this way is an attempt to gain understanding from their partner but is not legitimate and not effective.  

 2.     The past behavior is unresolved. Resolving an issue requires creating a specific plan of action and following through on that plan. If a partner is pointing out a behavior that is ongoing, it is a legitimate reason to bring up the past and can be addressed by properly resolving the issue at hand.

When the past is brought up, how do you respond?

If your partner is bringing up the past, ask them, “Are you bringing this up from the past because it’s something that you think is a pattern (and hasn’t been resolved), or are you just having a hard time letting me know how disappointed you are in this moment?”

If it’s a pattern, take the time to resolve it. If it is the latter, listen to your partner and validate their feelings. After they feel heard, ask if your partner is willing to hear your why.

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It's vital to be critical about any marriage advice you find online. Here's how to ensure you're getting good, reliable information:

1. Source Credibility:

Reputable Websites: Focus on sites run by mental health professionals, relationship therapists, or established organizations dedicated to marriage and family wellness. Look for websites with ".org," ".gov," or ".edu" domains. Examples include:

The Gottman Institute (https://www.gottman.com/)

American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (https://www.aamft.org/)

Author Qualifications: Is the advice written by a licensed therapist, counselor, or someone with relevant credentials and experience in relationships? Avoid advice from vague or unnamed sources.

2. Look for Evidence-Based Recommendations:

Research-backed: Good advice should be based on established psychological principles and research findings, not just personal opinions. Look for references to studies or reputable sources.

Avoid Generalizations: Be wary of advice that makes sweeping statements or offers one-size-fits-all solutions. Relationships are complex and nuanced.

3. Consider Your Unique Circumstances:

Context is Key: Your relationship dynamics, personalities, and challenges are unique. Advice that worked for someone else may not be the best fit for you.

Gut Feeling: If something doesn't feel right or sounds too extreme, trust your instincts. Don't feel pressured to follow advice that makes you uncomfortable.

4. Seek Multiple Perspectives:

Don't Rely on a Single Source: Get information from a variety of reputable websites, books, or even discussions with trusted friends and family members.

Professional Counsel: If you're facing serious issues, consider talking to a licensed marriage and family therapist. They can provide personalized guidance based on your specific situation.

5. Red Flags to Watch Out For:

Promises of Quick Fixes: Relationships take work; be skeptical of advice claiming to solve all your problems overnight.

Extremes: Beware of advice that promotes all-or-nothing thinking, encourages you to cut off communication, or suggests controlling behaviors.

Harmful or Abusive: Reject any advice that advocates for emotionally or physically harmful actions.

Additional Tips:

Frame Questions Carefully: When searching online, be specific about your relationship challenges. This will help you find more targeted advice.

Use Discernment: Keep a healthy skepticism, and filter advice through your own judgment and awareness of your relationship.

Remember: Even the best advice online is no substitute for open communication with your partner. Building a strong marriage involves honest conversations, understanding, and effort from both of you.

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Are you tired of chasing the life you want? Do you wish there was a way to make your dreams a reality? In this episode, Emil interviews Jeff D Buehner, author of The Sultan's Seven Secrets. Jeff shares how he came across an ancient manuscript that changed his life (and inspired the story of Aladdin and the Magic Lamp). By using imagination to change the way we feel, we can actually affect our physical selves in significant ways. In fact, the only language our bodies understand is the language of feelings. Jeff shares his personal story and explains how to use this powerful tool in everyday life. 

Download the audiobook for free at Sultan's 7 Secrets on his website

The 7 Secrets 

It's important to note these are Buehner's interpretation and not a direct historical record of Musa's teachings:

1.     The Power of the Dream: Envision your ideal life in vivid detail.

2.     Supreme Self-Confidence: Cultivate unshakable belief in yourself.

3.     The Written Goal: Put your dreams to paper with clarity.

4.     Emotional Mastery: Understand and harness the power of your feelings.

5.     Unwavering Faith: Connect with the power of the universe and a higher purpose.

6.     The Power of Giving: Embrace generosity as a path to abundance.

7.     Living in the Now: Focus on the present moment and gratitude.

Mansa Musa's True Legacy

While his exact success formulas are unknown, here's what IS known about this fascinating ruler:

·       Incredible Wealth: He controlled huge gold supplies, and his spending was legendary.

·       Devout Muslim: His pilgrimage to Mecca showcased both his wealth and piety.

·       Promotion of Education: He built universities and centers of learning, like the famous Sankore Madrasah in Timbuktu.

The Takeaway

While we may never know Sultan Musa's precise "7 Secrets", his life inspires us toward the pursuit of greatness, generosity, and a strong faith in achieving our goals. Buehner's work offers a creative and modern take on the potential wisdom this historical figure held.

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In this insightful episode, Emil welcomes his son, Hunter Harker, to discuss the crucial role relationships play in the overall well-being of seniors. Hunter draws from his inspiring talk to explore how strong social bonds directly contribute to both physical and mental health, particularly as we age.

Key Points:

• Why Relationships Matter (Especially for Seniors):  Hunter delves into the unique challenges seniors may face, including loneliness, isolation, and changing social circles. He explains how these factors can contribute to health risks and decreased quality of life.
• Overcoming Barriers: Hunter offers powerful tools to help seniors and their loved ones overcome obstacles to connection. He emphasizes the importance of:
  • Vulnerability: Being open and honest about feelings and needs.
  • Empathy: Understanding the perspectives of others.
  • Accountability: Taking responsibility for our part in relationships.
• Building Better Bonds:  Hunter provides actionable tips for fostering meaningful connections, whether with family, friends, or within a senior community. He encourages listeners to prioritize quality time, shared activities, and open communication.

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In this episode, Emil is interviewed by Shiree Best on her podcast, Just Love Them.

What do you do when your kids are making poor choices? Do you tighten the reigns and set additional boundaries?

Emil shares his method of using connection during these challenging situations. This method can change brain chemistry in a way that allows for curiousity instead of anxiety. He explains how to use faith, not fear, to create a dialogue that bonds.

Step One: Understand the crap out of them!
Step Two: Ask if they are open to hearing a different perspective.

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We may not be able to control the actions or feelings of others, but we can't deny our influence on them. In this episode, Emil explains how to maximize that influence. He shares the key to creating safety through listening and understanding and why it's important to be seen as a reasonable person.

How to "understand the crap out of someone":
1. Understand their perspective and the story behind that perspective. By doing this you can understand their feelings.

2. Validate their perspective. Share facts that may validate parts of their story. If this is not possible, validate the feelings behind their story.

Make sure to check out Emil's book for corporate training, Confidence in Conflict- Helping businesses turn breakdowns into breakthroughs.

For more on how to successfully navigate disagreements (and potentially change someone's mind) listen to Emil's episode,  "Keeping Your Cool (and Your Friends) During an Election Year" 

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