Excerpts from an email I recently received:
I really appreciate the free copy of Confidence in Conflict. Ironically, the very day it arrived, I was negotiating a deal with some investors from London and their main guy got really upset with me because I was wearing my attorney hat and putting legal protections into an agreement between us, and he stated that I didn't understand how business was done and was not being a good partner.
I noticed his criticism/declaration, felt my defensiveness get triggered, and then made the conscious decision to agree with the elements of truth and capture the emotion in his statements, and it worked like a freaking charm! And I thought "hmmm, I bet I can use the principles from Conflict into Closeness in business, too" and THEN your book arrived!
Some questions for you.
· Podcast: How do you Rebuild after Infidelity?
· You state: If a spouse decides they are not going to share something with the other partner, that is pulling away.
o What about when our brains do silly stupid insecure things? And what about having other support systems? What about not having or putting all of our emotional needs on to one person?
o What about when difficult for our spouse to hold neutral understanding space for us because they have a tendency to internalize our thoughts or feelings?
Podcast: Hole in the Sidewalk. "We want to change people so they can better meet our needs, and if you don't complain, you don't care", but where is the personal responsibility for meeting our own needs?
o Also, what about unconditional love, where we accept others exactly as they are and don't need them to change in order for us to be OK? Where we accept our partner "as a real person with real struggles . . . that doesn't depend on the perfect approach?"
Podcast: Interviewer becomes Interviewee:
o You say that patterns of behavior do not lie, but what interpretation do we put on top of patterns of behavior? Should we assume good intent or should we assume negative intent? What lens ought we we use?
o You say: "I will take to heart what someone tells me if they know me, they care about me, and they are kind." OK, but don't you say to find the element of truth in what people are saying, regardless of how they are saying it?
o You also say, "it is not about what is true, it is about what is right!" Really? So when my partner is hostile toward me and is upset, I can say that I am just not going to accept anything she is saying because it's not right the way she is talking to me? That seems to contradict your book - and I guarantee you it will not turn conflict into closeness - it will turn Conflict Into Catastrophe™! EXPLAIN YOURSELF, SIR!!! :)
o "When someone is being a jerk, they are being a jerk". But what about assuming good intent? Maybe they AREN'T being a jerk, but instead, are expressing their hurt/pain in an inelegant way?
· Podcast - White Carpet
o You say: "Boundaries are what allows me to keep out what I want out and allow in what I want in." So, what if I don't want criticism in my space? I just say, "Sorry, you are being critical, and I don't allow that in my space, but when you've calmed yourself down and can stop tracking your messy/muddy emotions all over my pretty white calm emotions, you are welcome to come in?"
o You say: "White carpet is my heart, my sensitivities, my soul. And I don't want to spend the time cleaning up messes that you bring into those things." Explore the contours/limits of your parable?
~Anonymous
Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
