The Emil Show - All Things Relational

Today is part II of the conversation with my son, Hunter Harker. Hunter continues his in-depth explanation of our evolutionary biology and why act the way do. Our brain’s survival mechanisms are sabotaging our ability to communicate rationally and with empathy. Hunter teaches us to overcome these survival impulses and regain our security, self-love, and ultimately our ability to connect with others.

1.       Take care of yourself physically. Treat yourself as if you were a close friend or family member that you care deeply for. Sometimes we can get lost in the following cycle.  How people treat us determines how we view ourselves. How we view ourselves influences how we act. Finally, how we act influences how people treat us. By choosing to treat ourselves as though we love ourselves, we can stop the cycle.

2.       Replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts. When our lizard brain tells us that something is threatening our love-ability, don’t accept it as truth. Accountability and humility increase love-ability, not perfection.  

3.       Limit easy dopamine. Reduce habits that release dopamine but do not increase your quality of life.

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Today Emil interviews his son, Hunter Harker. 

Hunter is a college student and trainer for the Residential Treatment Center Parent Program. He explains the neurobiology of defensiveness and insecurity. 

Our brains have evolved to help us survive, but they have not adapted to the modern world. The primal part of the brain is hijacking our logic and empathy with even the smallest perceived threat. By fully understanding what is happening in the mind and body, and why, we can take steps to address the thoughts and reactions that no longer serve us. This allows for effective communication and the opportunity to connect with those around us. 

Here are some tips for controlling your lizard brain:

• Be aware of your emotions. When you feel yourself getting angry or scared, take a deep breath and try to calm down.
• Think before you act. Don't let your emotions control you. Take some time to think about the consequences of your actions before you do anything.
• Use relaxation techniques. Practicing relaxation techniques such as meditation or yoga can help to calm the lizard brain.
• Talk to someone. If you're struggling to control your lizard brain, talk to a therapist or counselor. They can help you develop strategies for managing your emotions.

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YOU are the reason your relationship is the way it is. This may be hard to hear, but taking ownership gives you the power to create change. Instead of feeling like a victim of your circumstances, what can you do to change the dynamic?

Here are a few things:

1.       Put your partner’s desires before your own.

2.       Utilize the power of validation.

3.       Talk about what you DO want in the relationship.

Remember, what you put up with, you end up with.

Get a FREE copy of my book- The Power of One

Extreme Ownership: How U.S. Navy SEALs Lead and Win by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin

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1. Treat marriage like an organism not a piece of paper. Treat marriage like a business.
2. Unconditional Love is marriage cancer - Wanting to be loved unconditionally is destructive.
3. Being Defensive is completely biological -.
4. Dichotomies that polarize explains a lot of the conflict- Some people choose peace over closeness, and fear vulnerability that desire intimacy. 
5. Being pursued creates security. The feeling of relational Security is the result of being pursued not being in control. If you aren’t being pursued, find out if there is anything that you are doing or not doing that makes it hard for your partner to pursue you. Then after you address that issue before you start giving helpful suggestions for them to love you better, find out if they want to know how to help you feel more loved. Be careful not to just assume. Some people instead of appreciating knowing how to better love you feel beat up or criticized because they aren’t enough.
6. Communicating to understand is more powerful than communicating to be understood.
7. The “in-love feeling” that is so wonderful is a learned art, not the result of how amazing your partner is. 
8. Two things that women don’t even know about their own sexual desire. a) Women who are in the raising young children have higher levels of prolactin and high levels of prolactin decrease sexual desire.
9. Women’s sexual desire is buried under layers of emotional closeness, comfort, trust, and arousal. Take the lead and trust that the juices will flow.
10. Men inadvertently kill women sex drive. Men can focus on creating a connection, trust, and then put your flirt on!

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Dysphoria is a profound state of unease or dissatisfaction. It is the semantic opposite of euphoria. In a psychiatric context, dysphoria may accompany depression, anxiety, or agitation.

1. Keep exploring more ways to create change
2. Embrace those things that will not change by finding meaning and value in how you are growing as a person
3. Change directions. By ending the relationship with love and acceptance and support for the other person. 

If you can't do number three - See steps 1 and 2.

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Excerpts from an email I recently received:

I really appreciate the free copy of Confidence in Conflict.  Ironically, the very day it arrived, I was negotiating a deal with some investors from London and their main guy got really upset with me because I was wearing my attorney hat and putting legal protections into an agreement between us, and he stated that I didn't understand how business was done and was not being a good partner.

 I noticed his criticism/declaration, felt my defensiveness get triggered, and then made the conscious decision to agree with the elements of truth and capture the emotion in his statements, and it worked like a freaking charm!  And I thought "hmmm, I bet I can use the principles from Conflict into Closeness in business, too" and THEN your book arrived!

Some questions for you.  

· Podcast: How do you Rebuild after Infidelity? 

· You state: If a spouse decides they are not going to share something with the other partner, that is pulling away.

o What about when our brains do silly stupid insecure things? And what about having other support systems? What about not having or putting all of our emotional needs on to one person? 

o What about when difficult for our spouse to hold neutral understanding space for us because they have a tendency to internalize our thoughts or feelings?

Podcast:  Hole in the Sidewalk.  "We want to change people so they can better meet our needs, and if you don't complain, you don't care", but where is the personal responsibility for meeting our own needs? 

o Also, what about unconditional love, where we accept others exactly as they are and don't need them to change in order for us to be OK?  Where we accept our partner "as a real person with real struggles . . . that doesn't depend on the perfect approach?" 

Podcast:  Interviewer becomes Interviewee:

o  You say that patterns of behavior do not lie, but what interpretation do we put on top of patterns of behavior? Should we assume good intent or should we assume negative intent?   What lens ought we we use?

o  You say: "I will take to heart what someone tells me if they know me, they care about me, and they are kind."  OK, but don't you say to find the element of truth in what people are saying, regardless of how they are saying it? 

o You also say, "it is not about what is true, it is about what is right!" Really? So when my partner is hostile toward me and is upset, I can say that I am just not going to accept anything she is saying because it's not right the way she is talking to me? That seems to contradict your book -  and I guarantee you it will not turn conflict into closeness - it will turn Conflict Into Catastrophe™!  EXPLAIN YOURSELF, SIR!!!  :)

o "When someone is being a jerk, they are being a jerk". But what about assuming good intent?  Maybe they AREN'T being a jerk, but instead, are expressing their hurt/pain in an inelegant way?

· Podcast - White Carpet

o You say: "Boundaries are what allows me to keep out what I want out and allow in what I want in."  So, what if I don't want criticism in my space?  I just say, "Sorry, you are being critical, and I don't allow that in my space, but when you've calmed yourself down and can stop tracking your messy/muddy emotions all over my pretty white calm emotions, you are welcome to come in?"  

o You say: "White carpet is my heart, my sensitivities, my soul. And I don't want to spend the time cleaning up messes that you bring into those things."   Explore the contours/limits of your parable?  

~Anonymous

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1.       Lie about things to inflate your image then justify it to yourself as “true enough.”

2.       Are extremely confident but get defensive quickly and intensely when blamed or criticized

3.       Justify, rationalize, or minimize anything to make wrong things sound right or to make your behavior sound reasonable or normal

4.       Think the rules don’t apply to you or that you are an exception

5.       Have huge plans and make huge promises and justify them based on your belief in yourself

6.       Don’t respect other people’s boundaries

7.       Frequently complain about other people

8.       Have difficulty saying your sorry without a desperate need to explain yourself

9.       Rarely take feedback from others

10.   Prefer to figure things out on your own

11.   Believe that you are different (with superiority), and you say it

12.   Invest significant time, energy, and resources into your appearance

13.   See relationships as a net gain opportunity

14.   Mention your good deeds frequently

15.   Confuse secrecy with privacy

16.   Become kind and “love bomb” instead of apologizing

17.   Become preoccupied with things, status, and success at the expense of relationships

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We all feel insecurities. ALL OF US. The limit us. Hold us back. Make us question our value.

But what if we could overcome those feelings - or at very least deal with them in a way that we can manage them?

4 Steps to Overcome Insecurities

1. Define the situation that makes you feel a certain way
2. How do you WANT to feel in that situation
3. What would you have to believe to feel the feels in the situation
4. What thoughts would you have what actions if you believed what you believed and felt what you felt?

It is possible.

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The only person you can control is yourself? False

How do we make in an impact? What can we do to lead a better life and influence those around us to do so as well?

There is a hole in the sidewalk. Someone should put a sign, some tape, a barricade to make sure people don’t fall in the hole. You would never walk right into the hole...or would you?!
How often do we put ourselves into a situation where we exclaim “I can’t believe it” or “This happens every time” – Doing the same actions and expecting a different result – Delusional. 

Listen to how YOU can avoid falling in the hole in the sidewalk.

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Boundaries can be used as a weapon of manipulation. (Bad use of Boundaries)

Boundaries are the rules that help me keep in what I want in my life and out of my life what I don’t want. 

Boundaries are an invitation NOT an expectation.

The parable of the white carpet

You invite your friend to come over and see your new home. They bring your favorite drink. They arrive with mud all over their shoes and the decision is made at the threshold (boundary) 

Will they accept your invitation to remove their shoes and experience all that the soft white carpet has to offer on their feet

OR

Will you allow them entry without accept your invitation to remove their shoes creating a mess of your carpet?

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