The Emil Show - All Things Relational

When someone we love leaves it is often pain and panic that determine our actions. 

How do we engage in conversation during the pain and the panic?

What do we do?

1.       Decide what we want from the situation

2.       Work to support the idea that people get to choose whatever they will choose

3.       Take time to listen. Validate and Listen – Listening does not equal agreement

4.       When we are trying to change other people it is just us trying to change things so they will be comfortable for us

5.       Ask if they are open to a different point of view or feedback. 

6.       Don’t “Should Them”

7.       It’s okay not to agree as you make your way through complicated times

8.       We get to choose how we engage the situation

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My friend Christine from the Shit Behind the Show Podcast had some pretty bold statments about my book "You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness." There were some things I wanted to get clarity on, some things I wasn't sure I understood what she meant, and still some other stuff I just wanted to talk more about.

What do I have to choose between our forever and our for right now?

What does what other people say about you mean about you?

How do you know you are ready to be put yourself out there again?


Get a copy of  - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness 

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Get your own copy of  - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness 

They say comparison is the thief of joy.  But it is also the thief of peace, stillness, and self-esteem as well.

In a world where we are able to access the curated lives of those around us it is easy to fall in to  a "I don't have enough/I will never have enough attitude. "

So...

What can we do about it?

We can look at others and their lives quarterly (Small permission granted) and then move and look at our own life. 

Where we have been. Where we are now. Where we wanna. 

We can lead the life we wanna live IF we can just keep ourselves focused on our own lives and our journeys.

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Get your own copy of  - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness 

Just as counselors have to search/learn/find the therapies that they will work with each individual clients, clients need to find the right therapist/therapy that will work for them individually.

Important Takeaway: Find the therapy that works for you.

Book Recommendation: Dr Gottman "The Science of Trust"

Attunement is the desire and the ability to understand and respect your partner's inner world.

The process of deeper understanding is the medicine that heals the pain and the betrayal of infidelity. 

Making your relationship less of a priority is the first step toward infidelity and can only be cured with true connection and vulnerability.

Walk along with Mary and Emil to learn what you can do  to push through infidelity to a better and more open relationship.

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You can love someone unconditionally and be absolutely unfulfilled. What are the goals that you and your partner have for your marriage?

What are your responsibilities to reach that goal and what are your partners?

Can we have influence with another person and not be controlling or try and have influence OVER another person?

Ultimately, It comes down to - Is this something we can communicate through and find ourselves on the other side of the conflict OR is it possible that the issue is a non-negotiable/deal breaker?

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Get your own copy of  - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness 

Loving someone for who they are is one of the greatest gifts you can give another person AND equally there is no greater feeling than knowing you are loved for exactly who/how you are.  

People are constantly changing but there is a difference between who you are as a person and what you are evolving into and changing yourself for your partner.

Rule #1 I don't wanna be with someone who doesn't wanna be with me.
Rule #2 If I'm not true to me - I'm not being true to anyone

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Do you fall in love too easy? Once you are in a relationship do you invest EVERYTHING just to keep the relationship together? How often are you heartbroken because those feelings aren't reciprocated?

Cody and Emil jump headlong into the "Law of Reciprocity" and how it applies to dating.  You'll learn when to "Cool your jets" and when to "Pour gas on the fire" as you date/court/marry that significant other in your life.

Protect your heart and learn to engage in a better way. 

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When you bring something up (complaint) do the people in your life respond by being defensive?
You've likely tried the "I" statements - but there is a better way!

4 Steps of Complaining to strengthen the relationship

1.  Share my feelings and reasons
2. Use a transition phrase - see it from their point of view
3. Share their feelings and reasons
4.  Check-in

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I know you love your teenager but what if you learned that what you were doing was making things worse. Here are the most common don'ts that loving parents do, and what we can do instead. 

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You know those moments when someone makes a comment and it stings? It's not a full on conversation but a "drive by" with a one line zinger instead of bullets. Traditionally we either don't say anything and just seethe, or we call the person out on it, but their passivity turns into innocence and denial. So... How do we respond in a way that helps us protect and defend our boundary without being a butt-head? "Translating."

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Get your own copy of  - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness