The Emil Show - All Things Relational

Your partner is using pornography, now what? 

The strength of a relationship is not determined by whether pornagraphy is present, but by how it's navigated within the relationship. Pornagraphy use can cause shame, secrecy, and dishonesty. This can lead to feelings of betrayal and cause distance between partners. Emil explains how to regain closeness through open and effective communication, 

Questions to Explore as a Couple: 

1. - What is your definition of pornography as a couple? 
2. - What are the rules and roles of your sexual relationship? 
3. - What role does each partner play?  
4. - Where does pornography fit? 

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Why do men watch porn? Misconceptions about pornography use can be damaging to relationships. They affect how men and women view themselves and each other. This can cause unnecessary pain and distance in relationships. Emil shares 5 myths, then explains what really leads to pornography use. 

5 Myths about why men view pornography:

1. Not getting enough sex 

2. Not being attracted to their partner

3. Men are visual creatures

4. Men are naturally more promiscuous

5. It's MEN that look at porn  

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What do you do after an affair is revealed? How do you get the marriage back on track and rebuild trust?
One of the best places to start is with a disclosure statement. To trust, there must be understanding. A disclosure statement is given by the person who betrayed, to the person they betrayed. It provides clarity and understanding about what happened and why. This is not always easy and often takes a great deal of self-reflection by the betrayer.
However, understanding the thoughts, behaviors, and events that led to the affair provides an opportunity to address those things in therapy and within the relationship. Instead of saying, "I don't know why it happened," a disclosure statement provides hope to the person that has been betrayed that trust can be regained.

Tips for writing a relational disclosure statement after an affair has occurred:

• Be honest and transparent. This is the most important thing. Your partner deserves to know the truth about what happened, even if it is painful.
• Be specific. Don't just say that you had an affair. Tell your partner who the affair partner was, how long the affair lasted, and what happened during the affair.
• Be remorseful. Let your partner know that you are truly sorry for what you did and that you understand how it has hurt them.
• Be committed to repair. Your partner needs to know that you are willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust that you have broken.

In addition to these general tips, there are a few specific things that you should include in your relational disclosure statement:

• The identity of the affair partner. Your partner has the right to know who the person was that you betrayed them with.
• The duration of the affair. How long did the affair last?
• The nature of the affair. Was it a physical affair, an emotional affair, or both?
• How often you met with the affair partner.
• Whether you had sex with the affair partner. If so, how many times?
• Whether you used protection. This is important for your partner's health and well-being.
• Whether you told the affair partner about your relationship status.
• Whether you lied to your partner about the affair. If so, be honest about how often you lied and what you lied about.
• Why you had the affair. It's important to understand your own motivations so that you can avoid making the same mistakes in the future.
• What steps you have taken to end the affair. This could include cutting off contact with the affair partner, blocking them on social media, and changing your phone number.
• What steps you are taking to repair the relationship. This could include going to couples counseling, reading books about infidelity, or making changes to your lifestyle.

It is important to note that you should not write your relational disclosure statement in a vacuum. It is important to discuss it with your partner first and to get their feedback. They may have questions that you need to answer or they may have specific requests about what they want to know.

Writing a relational disclosure statement is a difficult process, but it is an important step in rebuilding trust after an affair. By being honest, transparent, and remorseful, you can show your partner that you are committed to making things right.

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1. "I'm curious to hear your perspective." This shows that you are open to learning new things and that you value the other person's opinion.
2. "Can you help me understand why you believe that?" This asks for clarification and shows that you are trying to see things from the other person's point of view.
3. "What evidence do you have to support that?" This challenges the other person to think critically about their beliefs and to provide evidence to back them up.
4. "I see things differently." This acknowledges that you have different beliefs, but it doesn't mean that either of you is wrong.
5. "Let's talk about this more." This invites the other person to continue the conversation and to explore their beliefs in more depth.

It is important to use these phrases in a respectful and genuine way. If you come across as condescending or argumentative, the other person is likely to become defensive and closed off. Instead, focus on listening to the other person and trying to understand their perspective.

Here are some additional tips for unlocking a closed mind:

• Be patient. It takes time to change someone's mind. Don't expect to see results overnight.
• Be respectful. Even if you disagree with the other person, it is important to treat them with respect.
• Be open-minded. Be willing to listen to the other person's point of view and to consider their arguments.
• Be willing to compromise. If you are both willing to give a little, you may be able to find a solution that works for everyone.

Changing someone's mind is not always easy, but it is possible. By using the right phrases and techniques, you can start to open a closed mind and have a productive conversation.

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Sexual intimacy is an important part of a marital relationship for many reasons. It can:

• Strengthen the bond between partners. Sexual intimacy can help couples feel closer and more connected to each other. It can also be a way for couples to express their love and affection for each other.
• Increase feelings of happiness and well-being. Sexual intimacy can release endorphins, which have mood-boosting effects. It can also help couples relax and de-stress.
• Improve physical health. Sexual activity can help to keep the body healthy by reducing stress, improving circulation, and boosting the immune system.
• Reduce the risk of infidelity. Couples who are sexually satisfied are less likely to seek out sexual satisfaction outside of the relationship.
• Increase feelings of self-worth. When couples feel desired and appreciated by their partner, it can boost their self-esteem.

Of course, sexual intimacy is not the only important part of a marital relationship. Communication, trust, and respect are also essential. But sexual intimacy can be a powerful way to connect with your partner and strengthen your relationship.

If you are struggling with sexual intimacy in your marriage, there are things you can do to improve it. Talk to your partner about your needs and desires. Be willing to experiment and try new things. And most importantly, be patient and understanding. It takes time and effort to build a strong sexual relationship.

Here are some additional tips for improving sexual intimacy in your marriage:

• Make time for each other. It's important to make time for sex, even when you're busy. Try to schedule regular "date nights" where you can focus on each other and your relationship.
• Be romantic. Create a romantic atmosphere in your bedroom by lighting candles, playing soft music, and wearing something sexy.
• Communicate openly. Talk to your partner about what you like and don't like in bed. Be honest about your needs and desires.
• Be patient and understanding. It takes time and effort to build a strong sexual relationship. Don't get discouraged if things don't improve overnight.

If you are still struggling with sexual intimacy in your marriage, consider seeking professional help. A therapist can help you and your partner communicate better about your needs and desires, and develop strategies for improving your sexual relationship.

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If you have ever wondered what a counseling session is like with me, or even just how counseling works, this episode is for you.

Listen as I walk alongside with Mark and Jenn in an ACTUAL counseling session.

The "Rock" of your Priorites

The idea that priorities are rocks and the rest of our life is sand is a metaphor for the importance of focusing on the most important things in our lives. If we try to fit everything into our lives, we will end up feeling overwhelmed and stressed. But if we focus on our priorities, we can make more progress and have a more fulfilling life.

The rocks in this metaphor represent the things that are most important to us, such as our relationships, our health, and our spiritual development. The sand represents the other things in our lives, such as our work, our hobbies, and our entertainment.

If we try to fit everything into our lives, we will end up with a jar that is full of sand. The rocks will not be able to fit in, and we will end up feeling stressed and overwhelmed. But if we focus on our priorities, we can put the rocks in first, and then we will have room for the sand.

This metaphor can help us to prioritize our time and energy. When we are faced with a decision about how to spend our time, we can ask ourselves, "Is this a rock or is this sand?" If it is a rock, then it is something that we should make time for. If it is sand, then it is something that we can let go of.

Prioritizing our time and energy can help us to live more fulfilling lives. When we focus on our priorities, we are able to make more progress towards our goals and we are able to experience more joy. We also have more energy to give to the people and things that matter most to us.

Here are some tips for prioritizing your life:

• Identify your priorities. What are the most important things to you? What do you want to achieve in your life?
• Make a list of your priorities. This will help you to visualize what you want to achieve and to make sure that you are staying on track.
• Prioritize your time. Decide how much time you want to spend on each of your priorities.
• Set goals for yourself. This will help you to stay motivated and to track your progress.
• Take action. Don't just make a list of your priorities and then forget about it. Take action and start working towards your goals.
• Be flexible. Things will change, so be prepared to adjust your priorities as needed.
• Don't be afraid to say no. It's okay to say no to things that are not a priority for you.

Prioritizing your life is not always easy, but it is worth it. When you focus on your priorities, you are able to live a more fulfilling life.

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A toxic relationship is when two people in a relationship become reactive to each other's reactions, also known as a defensive-defensive cycle. They are unwilling or unable to keep their composure in certain situations without becoming defensive.  

Having the right tools can help to get out of toxic moments. But we need to be able to identify those moments.

5 Personality traits that contribute to toxic relationships:

1.       Strong mismatched attachment styles (see podcast on attachment styles for more information)

2.       Borderline personality features  

3.       Narcissistic personality disorder traits

4.        Codependency

5.       Lack of skills

5 components that contribute to a toxic relationship:

1.       Lack of respect

2.       Constant conflict

3.       Control and manipulation

4.       Lack of support

5.       Emotional and/or physical abuse

Improving a toxic relationship:

1.       Focus on understanding your partner instead of defending yourself.

2.       Write down your triggers and prepare desired responses for when these triggers occur.

3.     Seek help from a trusted therapist. 

Taking control of how we show up in a relationship allows for change in the relationship itself.   

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Emil speaks to Lisa. 

Lisa’s 16 year old step son recently moved in her her and her husband. It has dramatically changed her dynamic with her husband and she is looking for ways to communicate the may improve the situation.

1)      Determine desired outcome

2)      Identify expectations

4 statements of conflict: criticisms, questions, declarations, commands

How to avoid defensiveness in conversation:

1)      Share feelings and reasons

2)      Put yourself in the other’s shoes

3)      Check in

Once there is understanding and connections, you can shift to, “so what should we do about it?”

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Designing your marriage is the process of intentionally creating the kind of marriage you want. It's about setting goals, communicating openly, and working together to build a strong and lasting relationship.

Save 50% on Marriage Makeover Gold Package

There are many different aspects to designing your marriage, but some of the most important include:

• Communicating effectively. This means being able to share your thoughts and feelings in a clear and respectful way. It also means being able to listen to your partner's thoughts and feelings without judgment.
• Setting realistic expectations. It's important to have realistic expectations about what marriage will be like. No relationship is perfect, and there will be ups and downs. But if you have realistic expectations, you'll be less likely to be disappointed.
• Agreeing on values and goals. What's important to you in life? What are your goals for the future? It's important to discuss these things with your partner and make sure you're on the same page.
• Being willing to compromise. No two people are exactly alike, so there will be times when you need to compromise. This doesn't mean giving up on your own needs, but it does mean being willing to meet your partner halfway.
• Making time for each other. It's easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life, but it's important to make time for each other. Go on dates, talk about your day, and just enjoy each other's company.

Designing your marriage takes time and effort, but it's worth it. By intentionally creating the kind of marriage you want, you can increase your chances of having a happy and fulfilling relationship.

Here are some additional tips for designing your marriage:

• Read books and articles about marriage. There is a wealth of information available about marriage, and reading can help you learn more about what it takes to have a successful relationship.
• Talk to other couples. Get advice from couples who have been married for a long time. They can share their experiences and offer valuable insights.
• Attend marriage workshops or counseling. If you're struggling in your marriage, there are resources available to help you. Marriage workshops and counseling can provide you with the tools you need to improve your relationship.

Designing your marriage is an ongoing process. It's something you'll need to work on throughout your marriage. But if you're willing to put in the effort, you can create a marriage that is strong, loving, and fulfilling.

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There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

• Secure attachment: People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable depending on others and trusting them. They are able to express their emotions openly and honestly, and they feel confident that their partners will be there for them when they need them.
• Anxious attachment: People with an anxious attachment style are often worried about being abandoned or rejected. They may feel a strong need to be close to their partners and may become clingy or demanding. They may also have difficulty trusting their partners and may constantly worry that they are going to be hurt.
• Avoidant attachment: People with an avoidant attachment style are uncomfortable depending on others and trusting them. They may push their partners away or keep them at a distance. They may also have difficulty expressing their emotions and may feel uncomfortable getting close to others.
• Disorganized attachment: People with a disorganized attachment style have experienced some kind of trauma or neglect in their early relationships. This can lead to a chaotic and unpredictable pattern of relating to others. They may feel confused and overwhelmed by their emotions, and they may have difficulty trusting others.

Attachment style is not set in stone and can change over time. It can also be influenced by our experiences in our adult relationships. If you are struggling with your attachment style, there are things you can do to improve it. Therapy can be helpful in understanding your attachment style and learning how to develop more secure relationships.

Here are some tips for improving your attachment style:

• Be aware of your attachment style. The first step to improving your attachment style is to become aware of it. Pay attention to how you feel in relationships and how you interact with your partner.
• Challenge your negative thoughts and beliefs. If you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, you may have negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself and others. Challenge these thoughts and beliefs by focusing on the positive aspects of yourself and your relationships.
• Practice self-soothing. If you have an anxious attachment style, you may have difficulty regulating your emotions. Practice self-soothing techniques, such as deep breathing or meditation, to help you calm down when you are feeling anxious.
• Communicate with your partner. Talk to your partner about your attachment style and how it affects your relationship. Be honest about your needs and how you can best be supported.
• Be patient. It takes time to change your attachment style. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you work together to improve your relationship.

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