The Everyday Human

September: On Friendship and Connection

September 16

You are a fragile thing. One betrayal, you can get over that. You can find more in your heart to give to others. Two? Maybe. Three? Well, the more you feel that knife in your back, the less likely you are to let your guard down and trust others in the future, and it can soon become a lonely and paranoid existence. As we said, it’s a very human thing to do. Of course there are exceptions, but we don’t enter into relationships with the intent of betrayal. Self interests, temptations, or self-destructive tendencies, though, can emerge and grow until they can no longer be cut back and strangle the relationship.

It happens.

If you’ve been betrayed, the best thing you can do is forgive the person who hurt you and move on. Holding onto resentment and anger harms no one but yourself. If you are the one holding the knife, put it down and speak true to the person in front of you. The truth can hurt, but it’s far nobler to stand before someone face to face than to lurk in the shadows waiting for an opportunity to stick the knife into their back.

• Reflection title: Not if, but When
• Creative inspiration: William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar
• Reflection question: Have I been betrayed in a personal relationship or at work? Have I committed the betrayal? How have I handled it in the past and how will I handle it in the future?

September: On Friendship and Connection

September 15

And there is something strange and mysterious about danger and death that latches on to each end of the thread and yanks it quickly and mercilessly until it is taut. It comes about from natural disasters, accidents, wars, shared traumatic events. When the waters recede, when the tinkling of broken glass and the hissing of the destroyed radiator subside, when the bullets stop flying and the bombs stop dropping—the thread is pulled so tight you might worry it’ll snap. The survivors look to one another with surprise and wonder and a thankful air about them—to god or the universe or fate—that they survived, but then more than that, that another soul survived with them.

• Reflection title: That Which Doesn’t Kill You Brings You Closer
• Creative inspiration: Stephen Crane, The Red Badge of Courage
• Reflection question: What bonds have formed from close calls or strenuous situations in my life?

September: On Friendship and Connection

September 14

There is a version of us that we shouldn’t have to water down or bend or make logical or force to fit the current fashion. Yes, if you’re a creative, you must be yourself. Now it is more important than ever, I believe. But just as a human, too—there needs to be an outlet for the true you. You have to be able to throw all of those hats away, even if only for a moment, to let that true inner version of you stretch and breathe. Be it in a quiet moment of solitude in the morning before the house wakes. Be it dancing and singing by yourself, spontaneously given life by a random song on your playlist. Or be it conversing and being in the presence of another soul who accepts and loves you for who you are without reservation and without judgment. Someone who doesn’t want or need all those other versions of you to be present in the moment and embraces the simple, unadulterated, unabashed you.

• Reflection title: Chuck the Hats
• Creative inspiration: Ann Rice, Franz Kafka: The Complete Short Stories (Intro)
• Reflection question: Am I wearing too many hats and sometimes forgetting to take them off? What do I look like without them?

September: On Friendship and Connection

September 13

I think, in order to lead a fulfilling life, we can and must do three things (or maybe two if you look at it through Stevenson’s lens): love, serve, and create. And while it is possible to love oneself and create for oneself, to serve oneself might be a stretch sometimes (though you must care for yourself, which is a sense of service, I suppose). But relationships and friendships make all of these things possible. In doing these three things, whether intentionally or not, meaning is created. Purpose blooms. There becomes a reason to wake up in the morning, get dressed, and get to work—whatever that might look like for you. This shines a light on what is beyond the day-to-day redundancies, and the seemingly meaningless tasks we must do to participate in society suddenly are given meaning. In doing so you become, in a way, indispensable. You cannot be useless when you are loving, being loved, serving, and creating with and for others.

Here is the true value found in life. And it cannot be bought or sold.

• Reflection title: To Love, To Serve, To Create
• Creative inspiration: Robert Louis Stevenson, Lay Morals
• Reflection question: Am I loving, serving, and creating? With whom or for whom?

September: On Friendship and Connection

September 12

A gift is not a utilitarian act. Sure, you could give someone something they “need” like a tool or a car (who actually gives cars other than the weirdos in car commercials at Christmas time?), but that sort of gift might soon be forgotten. No, a gift—a true gift with meaning—is a symbol. It’s a physical representation or manifestation of the bond of love and friendship between two people, and they can serve as beautiful (but also painful) reminders of certain times and people in your life.

Yes, a gift is a beautiful part of what it means to be human.

• Reflection title: To Gift a Dandelion
• Creative inspiration: Eastin DeVerna, Dead World: A Post-Apocalyptic Tale
• Reflection question: When did I last give or receive a meaningful gift? And why was it meaningful to me?
  
  

September: On Friendship and Connection

September 11

In another life you are a warrior-chief made of stone and flesh. You train your people endlessly against the threat of invasion, or for the promise of expanding your territory. You take them to the highest peaks of the mountains to slay the winds and into the darkest depths of the cavernous continent below the surface to batter the shadows. You forever seek out the strongest and most hardened opponents to test your mettle and sharpen your blades upon. Until one day, the child from the red hells below—Death—arrives. He has come to expand his collection with those from your world and the challenge is welcome, until first Coden is slain and then you must fight and bargain with the child and he promises to take not every soul, but only those he seeks—and he seeks all but two, leaving you with your young child to roam the lands as ghosts from another world. But soon, more come—a wizard and king seeking your strength—and they take the last thing you have left . . . your child. With none left to wield the invention of war, your world flourishes. Vines cover spears and swords sink into the earth, trees overtake towers, and waters that once ran red now run crystal cerulean and it is a realm of peace. But as you wander alone, it means nothing to you. It means nothing without them.

• Reflection title: It Means Nothing Without Them
• Creative inspiration: Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Wilhelm Meister's Apprenticeship
• Reflection question: What are those things on this earth that are better shared with others? And who do I wish to share them with?

September: On Friendship and Connection

September 10

Sometimes the measure of a friendship can be weighed by the trouble you find yourself in—by fault of your own or not—and the friends you can’t trust to let you face it alone. Is it who you expected it to be? Or is that person nowhere to be found when you need them? Or is it someone else? Someone you never thought would come to your aid? You can’t expect people to follow you blindly or put themselves in danger or difficult situations for you, but if they do, you can be sure that’s a friend.

More than 20 years later, I don’t even remember what those fights were about that led to quitting the band and the breakup. What I do remember is the friend who drove out to my house that night when I didn’t have anyone else.

• Reflection title: Or Following You Like Hounds
• Creative inspiration: J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
• Reflection question: Who is willing to stand by me and follow me like a hound? And who am I willing to do the same for?

September: On Friendship and Connection

September 9

Joy is a beautiful thing that can be felt individually, but is somehow all the more sweeter when sharing it with a friend. The next time you stumble upon a little bit of joy, make it a point to share it with your partner, friend, colleague, whoever—you’ll make their day, and you’ll be a little better off for it.

• Reflection title: Plenty To Go Around
• Creative inspiration: Mark Twain, Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World
• Reflection question: What joy has someone shared with me lately? What joy have I shared, and can I make it a point to share a bit of joy today? Let me come back here at the end of the day or the start of the next to write down the bit of joy I shared. 

September: On Friendship and Connection

September 8

Humans are not meant to be lonely and without companionship. We aren’t made for it. Our minds and bodies deteriorate in isolation (not to be confused with a controlled amount of healthy solitude). Isolation is even used as a punishment or form of torture. Touch, smiles, laughter, conversations, presence—these are essential things to strip one of. These are inherently part of what makes humans human. You might as well take the air or the sunlight or water away from them. 

If you find yourself without friends or companionship now or in the future, and if you’re feeling up for it, look for ways to make some. Start with what interests you—it’s sure to interest others—and go from there. And if you are fortunate to have the sustenance of friendship, nurture it and keep it healthy, but also reach out to someone who may not be so lucky. It could make all the difference in their life . . . and in yours.

• Reflection title: Who Are the Friendless?
• Creative inspiration: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
• Reflection question: How can I nurture the friendships I have? How can I start new friendships for myself or others?
  
  

September: On Friendship and Connection

September 7

The art of listening and conversing and truly hearing one another is a critical aspect of what makes us human. It’s a major component of how we begin, nurture, and continue relationships. At the root of almost every friendship, marriage, or familial relationship that has ended is the erosion or complete breakdown of communication. This may lead to other events that completely sever the ties, but this is where it starts to fracture.

So perhaps one of the greatest compliments you can ever receive or give, is someone truly listening and attending to your thoughts, and you doing the same for them. One of the best ways to listen to someone is to just let them speak and actually listen.

• Reflection title: Hey! Listen!
• Creative inspiration: Henry David Thoreau, Life Without Principle
• Reflection question: How are my listening skills? Am I attentive, or am I just waiting for my turn to speak? How about those closest friends of mine? Are we actually listening to each other?