The Everyday Human

July: On Family

July 19

As a parent now—living in what I think is safe to say a beautiful, yet crazy world—I’m more conscious than ever of the things I say, and more than that, my actions. I’m not sure truer words have ever been spoken: Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them. I’ll tell my daughter she should exercise, that it’s good for her—No thanks, I’d rather play Barbies. But the next day, she’ll tie a headband around her head and follow me into the workout space in the basement and spend half an hour in there with me swinging her five-pound kettlebell around. You should read, I’ll tell her—it makes you smart. It’s how you learn more about the world and other people—No thanks, I’d rather craft. An hour later, I’m reading a book (if godwilling I get 20 minutes to sit), and she’s right next to me flipping through Falling Up by Shel Silverstein. I’m fortunate to be able to work from home. I imagine when she comes into my office she sees the screen full of words and the back of my head, wondering what I’m doing all day just typing away. I’m writing, I say. It’s what I went to school for, now I’m able to do it for work. I write stories. And then she drags in her foam cushions, grabs a pen and notebook and sets it all up as her “desk” and begins writing stories of her own. Be kind to nature, I’ll say—they’re living creatures too, with feelings—Dad, it’s just a bug. But as we’re in the pool and a lost butterfly falls in and I run to grab the skimmer, she beats me to it, rescuing the little thing and placing it in the zinnias for shade and food.

Kids . . . they’re always watching. They’re always imitating. So you’d better make sure your actions are worth emulating.

• Reflection title: Do As I Say, Do As I Do
• Creative inspiration:  James Baldwin, Nobody Knows My Name: More Notes of a Native Son
• Reflection question: Am I leading a good example for those younger than me with my actions, not just my words? Whose actions—those of someone older than I am—do I look to imitate?

July: On Family

July 18

Humans . . . we’re not objective or utilitarian creatures, are we?

No—we can be infinitely bullheaded, romantic, and idealistic. We persevere through untold hardship and crushing pressure, forming social bonds harder than diamonds in the process. It could be your brother, sister, friend, colleague, comrade—it doesn’t matter. It’s something deeply human: that is, the ability to endure the most challenging trials life throws our way and stand beside one another ‘til the end.

• Reflection title: Bullheaded, Romantic, Idealistic, Human 
• Creative inspiration:  Lord Huron, "Brother"
• Reflection question: Who would I stand beside until the very end? And who in my life would stand beside me? 

July: On Family

July 17

Sometimes your immediate family, those closest to you, won’t get it as you drift farther and farther away. But know this: you’re not alone. Despite what the news, social media, or certain politicians might have you think, there’s a whole world of humans out there who care and would be more than willing to throw you a line. Your friends. Your coworkers. Your book club. That one person in an online forum who’s been through, strangely enough, the same exact thing. 

Just start looking, and don’t be afraid to ask. That’s all you have to do, and you might find the support you need in the most unlikely of places, from the most unexpected of people. Sometimes, it’s okay to look elsewhere.

• Reflection title: Sometimes, It’s Okay To Look Elsewhere
• Creative inspiration:  Josephine Miles, "Family"
• Reflection question: If my family or those closest to me just aren’t hearing me, where else would I look? Am I missing the signals from someone in my family? How can I better hear them?

July: On Family

July 16

When it is in the nature of a parent to believe they always know what’s best and it is in the nature of a child to make their own way, there comes a time when one of them must willingly consult with their nature and persuade it to make a concession. For good or for bad, this must be the parent—or they risk becoming someone who would interfere with their child’s fate or destiny. They risk becoming someone who keeps their child from becoming the person they are meant to be. There comes a time, inevitably, to step aside.

But what is a parent to do if the concession leads to harm—or worse, to their child losing their life? Does the parent risk losing the child’s faith, trust, and even love in order to protect them?

The battle is long and continuous, but . . . I know what I would do—do you?

• Reflection title: Would You Do It All Over Again?
• Creative inspiration:  The Last of Us Part II
• Reflection question: Am I willing to make concessions to let those I love carve their own paths? How far is too far?

July: On Family

July 15

Your early years were when the first lines of your morality and understanding of what it means to be human were etched. But as you grew, you found that there were others—sometimes even yourself—who would attempt to continue or rewrite some of those lines—sometimes for better, sometimes for worse.

And this is a part of life. Your tablet is constantly being written, and written over—if it weren’t, you’d be dead. But you must never forget the foundations—those first lines or your thesis: do what is right. Help those who cannot help themselves, show courage in the face of hardship, protect the weak, act with justice, speak the truth, practice patience, forgive others and yourself, lead by example not by force, give freely to those in need, and stand firm in virtue.

And if these were not the first lines of your tabula rasa, if you were never raised this way, know that it’s never too late to learn and write the lines yourself.

Remember this, and you will always find a home in your actions. 

• Reflection title: A Scribbled Tablet
• Creative inspiration:  Maya Angelou, Mom & Me & Mom
• Reflection question: Do I have a home in my actions? Does my moral compass lead me there?

July: On Family

July 14

By the time I was 15, a sophomore in high school—the year 2001—my mother was working as an overnight legal secretary for a law firm operating out of the World Trade Center in Manhattan. She was getting ready to head home at about 8:00 a.m. Her shift was ending, and her boss asked her to stay to work overtime—given our poor financial situation at home, she usually wouldn’t have turned down the work, but she was too tired that day. And about 46 minutes later, while she was safe and on her way home, the first tower was struck. 

Insanely—about three days later they had them back at work in temporary offices in another building. National and global chaos ensued—of which we are still feeling the repercussions almost 24 years later.

Despite it all, she persisted with courage. Her focus was not the fact her friends and colleagues perished in those horrible attacks, or that my father was becoming increasingly absent (and belligerent when he was around), or that the US was about to enter into a 20-year-long war—no, her focus was what was in the realm of her control. The area she could have the greatest impact—raising her children as, essentially, a single mother working nights and trying to put them through schools outside her financial means to give us the hopes of a better future—and of a better life than she had.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my mother (and I’ve learned many things), it’s that it takes courage to raise children in this world.

• Reflection title: Nevertheless, She Persisted
• Creative inspiration:  John Steinbeck, East of Eden
• Reflection question: Who are the courageous mothers in my life? What can I learn and emulate from them?

July: On Family

July 13

It’s not just us humans. Despite the controversy around their motives, and whether animals can be driven by an altruistic love or not, they do this too, and not just with orphans of their own species: a beluga whale adopting a narwhal, a capuchin monkey adopting a marmoset, a lioness adopting a leopard and even an oryx (antelope), a penguin and a skua, and many other birds bringing in orphans of different species. 

Blood relations? Great, sure—but also, you don’t need it. Truth of it is, being a mother is an attitude.

Whatever the reasons any of the mothers out there have, it’s a beautiful reminder that we—everything and everyone here on this planet—are one family with one mother. And that mothers will save the world.

• Reflection title: Mothers Will Save The World 
• Creative inspiration:  Robert A. Heinlein, Have Space Suit—Will Travel
• Reflection question: Regardless of who I am or what my gender is, am I taking on the attitude of a mother in helping others? No matter who they may be and what their relationship to me is?

July: On Family

July 12

There is good news in that you can choose what you want to do with the shadow of your family. 

You can live inside of it, cowering in fear away from the sun—or you can take control of it, shaping it and molding it into what you want it to be—a calm and cool shade to protect you from the madness of the world. 

There’s good and bad in every family. And it's inevitable that the potential of that good and bad lives within you, again, that’s through nature or nurture. But you are the gardener of your own life. It’s up to you to pull out the tangled and choking weeds you’ve inherited and make room for the beautiful and fruitful trees that are waiting to grow in your care.

• Reflection title: Watch Where the Seeds Fall
• Creative inspiration:  Salman Rushdie, "The Courter"
• Reflection question: Am I taking the good I’ve inherited from my family? What of the bad? What might I be perpetuating that needs to be weeded out to make room for the future generations?

July: On Family

July 11

Some people can be emotionally literate and open with their love. For others, you might as well ask them to move a mountain—and yet, it still makes them the person they are—the person you love.

Some will work their hands to the bone to support you without ever saying a word—getting up early to warm the house and get to work so that you can eat and have a bed to sleep in. Some will climb to the top of a mountain and shout at the top of their lungs just how much they love you. One is not right, and the other is not wrong. They just are. 

This is not to say if your relationship is struggling to just let it be—no, if it’s strained, work on communication. Seek assistance from other family members, friends, and therapy. Assistance in unpacking those events and influences that helped shape the person in which you are struggling to understand . . . or maybe it’s you. 

You can get there.

Ultimately, don’t forget to love them for who they are, to understand that everyone says “I love you” a little differently, and to give grace to yourself and others in the short time you have together in this fleeting, wacky, and wonderful thing we call life.

• Reflection title: The Different Ways We Love
• Creative inspiration:  Robert Hayden, "Those Winter Sundays"
• Reflection question: Do I understand the ways my family loves me—and the ways I love them? Do I give grace, understanding that we all love in our own unique ways?

July: On Family

July 10

Places, things, homes, yards, creeks, trees, gardens—

—all temporary.

Like you.

Like family.

You’d be wise to enjoy them while you have them—

And if you want,

After they’re gone,

Hold on to them a little while longer.

Even at the risk of being sentimental.

• Reflection title: It’s Not Just—
• Creative inspiration:  Mary Oliver,  "From This River, When I Was a Child, I Used To Drink"
• Reflection question: What has become part of my (sentimental) family? Do I feel ashamed of holding on to it? If so, why?