Welcome everybody, to Wonderland, effing Wonderland at times. I am feeling a bit better and stronger now. Following is some writing therapy I did earlier today, unedited. I feel so indebted to all of you, even to those who leave this Facebook page. Many of you have written suggesting that I may perhaps appear to be exhausted and in need of relaxation rest and some time off. I plan on doing so whether or not I end up succeeding in taking time off to face the universe, literally, and devastatingly alone. I look into the mirror every day lately, and I see a complete sleepless and lost stranger in myself, and others in my "real" inter-personal life and conventionally accepted life itself. I've been battling severe comorbid schizophrenia and related psychotic and dissociative mental health conditions for most of my life now as well as otherwise "normal" life issues and so forth. I feel that it might be time for me to submit perhaps surrender and allow my mental and physical health conditions to take over my life experiences, permitting me to live a great deal more if not fully in my otherwise delusional and hallucinatory landscape in the world where I am most familiar and comfortable. Thank you for understanding, if you do. Overall, I am exhausted and need some time off. Thank you, everybody, I feel much better having written out these feelings, otherwise feeling abandoned in the overall enterprise at the same time neglected and abused controlled cornered trapped and stuck. Need time to think and work on some art projects. Want to get cut off from the world. Just want to be alone for a bit. This morning I have an important medical appointment for some blood conditions I endured over the last couple years but still surviving, I'd rather not go into detail about it. It's just scary. I am trying to hold onto the saying that most things we worry about don't happen, in other words, to hear bad news. I've done all I can since the last doctor's visit for the problem. I'll just say that it is potentially life threatening. But... I will end it there. It's just a bit scary, so I am cutting up some random and old film stock here in my production office for the time being to bring back memories from when I began shooting film on Super 8 and some early video, documenting my life. Feels nostalgic to see some of the footage after 20, 30 years. Sometimes I just miss certain parts of times past. But I'll be around. Just so happy I went in and on my own, for the first time in public otherwise overwhelmed by all the people and lights at the Apple Store to finally get my main computer fixed after months and months using an iPhone as my desktop. It's a strange experience knowing I have a likelihood of 5 or so years left to live. Makes you think, and cry. But I look at the world in a whole different way, just in case, you know? But I am not upset about it. I don't know quite why. I invited my father out to visit the other day, as well. We've been estranged since 2010. I am also giving away some of my expensive gadgets and things, like my top of the line 3D TV, to some of the staff here on my compound. I don't need them. I like them, but I've worked hard this year and actually made enough money on my own, and not even as much from book sales, and film and TV checks from my film distributor, but from Wall Street, my primary career, technically as a hedge fund manager, like my father, just on a smaller scale, of course. I don’t know. I feel like all I am doing is making up things to get sympathy. I do not like that about myself, not one bit. Sometimes you have to be your own hero. Schizophrenia is a devastating illness that affects approximately 1% of the population. Its primary impact is on thought, and its cardinal symptom is psychotic thinking in affecting individuals. Besides, however, it can affect many aspects of cortical function. Although great strides have occurred in treating this disorder, it remains one of the most debilitating of psychi

That Was the Week That Was:

Good morning everyone. Hello to all my friends around the world! Have a magnificent day! Just do your best in all you do, even if you fall short! 

No matter how you feel get up dress up and show up and never give up.

When I can, though all the good and bad times, through thick and thin, I want to inspire people. I want someone to look at me or think of me and say "Because of you, I did not give up..." I don't give up!

If your big dream scares the shit out of you, you're really onto something. In fact, it's your crystal ball answer to the question of "should I do this?" Live a kick ass life. You deserve it!

Living with schizophrenia and therefore with a brain that doesn't work from time to time my life can become difficult, but I keep moving ahead, as always, knowing I am a good person and that I am worth it. 

Just breathe... in every moment we begin again.

Considering I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, PTSD, borderline personality disorder, Tourette’s syndrome, diabetes, anxiety and depression, a rare blood disease, dyslexia, and cancer, I am doing okay. At the end of the storm, there's always a golden sky.

We have to fight some bad days to earn the best days of our lives.

If you or a loved one has schizophrenia do not let it have you fight your fucking hardest and give it your all and everything to fight the war with your own mind and never ever give up doing your damnedest to live the life that you want to live no matter what again do you not ever fucking give up no matter what your mental health diagnosis is or whether you are just dealing with the fucked up mess of life. In the meantime if you are having a good day you better fucking appreciate it because those are extremely rare for people like me diagnosed with severe mental and terminal physical illness. PS the door here is always open for you to come and go as you please just do not as they say block the doorway and take up space. Love me or hate me. That's up to you. Believe in yourself and always keep the hope and faith alive no matter what! 

Schizophrenia is a complex illness. Mental health experts are not sure what causes it. Genes may play a role.

Never give up! Keep on fighting. Don't let your demons beat you.

I will have 13 years drugs and alcohol-free on Friday. I will have one month (30 days) off cigarettes on Saturday. My 40th birthday is on Sunday. Aside from that my apologies for bringing up something or anything uninspiring but I have to vent for a second. One of my bank accounts and my PayPal accounts compromised three days ago. I have no help. I don't want help, feeling ignored by everyone in my real and personal life as the scapegoat. I have done all l am able. Lost $6,000 so far. It brings up severe PTSD symptoms. I feel stuck. It is complicated because the account isn’t under my name. Again, as anything with me and my mental illnesses are, “it’s complicated,” my doctor proclaims. Where is my wife? My life? My mind? Schizophrenic. Where is my family? For crying out loud, and so I locked myself in my office again for the day, cancelling all appointments. I don't like days like this. But they all pass. ?

Welcome everybody, to Wonderland, effing Wonderland at times. I am feeling a bit better and stronger now. Following is some writing therapy I did earlier today, unedited. I feel so indebted to all of you, even to those who leave this Facebook page. Many of you have written suggesting that I may perhaps appear to be exhausted and in need of relaxation rest and some time off. I plan on doing so whether or not I end up succeeding in taking time off to face the universe, literally, and devastatingly alone. I look into the mirror e

I have lost this. Rather, I have given this back.

I am terrified of my early onset schizophrenia that is a serious, chronic mental illness that causes delusional or hallucinogenic thoughts. The primary symptom of the rare blood disease I have diagnosed in December 2015 (I can never remember the name) is the same for the symptoms mentions above for schizophrenia. I feel like iii am losing my mind. It is terrifying. The negative process of thinking, behavior and confusion have been elevated beyond belief. I just can't think straight for thy life off me, and I have been sleeping fine, diet is OK, and I am taking my medication as prescribed. I believe my doctors, family and caregivers are plotting to institutionalize me. If any of you experience the same, please know you are not the only one. Also, I celebrate 13 years clean and sober later this week. …Nausea, dizziness, memory problems, confusion, and more. MRI is soon regarding the brain tumor. I just want to live. I just want to live! Have a good evening. I will catch up on your hundreds off comments another time. I hope you can forgive me for being behind. I am trying to juggle too many balls at once, and I just can't think straight or remember anything. My entire medical team is on high alert, so I do have help and support no matter where my thinking goes as far as posting online in the future, paranoid of those who are here to help. They apparently are. This is the hugest battle I had ever fought. Wise than quitting, well, the worst "junk" out there, years and year ago. My life has not turned out where I had ever thought. I am completely trapped. My mood then changes. Mozart music, in particular, his noted Serenade in B-flat, K. 361 "Gran partita": III. Adagio. Thank you. And welcome new followers. You happened to catch me at an awkward time, on a bit of a detour if you will. I don't know. My cognitive abilities are declining, seemingly by the minute. My experiences have become so frightening I can't even begin to tell you; I just want to live and be free of all of this. But I am not out of the woods yet.

Miracles in the Heart of Darkness by Jonathan Harnisch

September 6, 2012, Porcelain Utopia

There are times in Life when I have to deal with “awful” things; things I just can’t ignore. The way I cope is by giving such things all the time and attention they need, however, not one single second longer than that. I invite you to do the same.

Take the time to enjoy all the good and beauty Life has to offer--

Over the years in my own darkness, and even the light—all of it, especially the loss of my family, finances and my mind (even over 1,000 hours of film and video footage I shot since I was 11) as I often bring up on The Real Me podcast, Porcelain Utopia and my documentaries, I always had hope. At one time (I think it’s in one of my other documentaries) I speak candidly, in my own self-aware psychosis about having nothing, at least nothing “good,” and that I didn’t even want help, and even then I always had hope. It started with my not knowing what I was even hoping for (perhaps a miracle, or just some relief, wanting to press the pause button of Life) from there, patience, then mindfulness, and the camera which I’d look into and just talk to my then-invisible audience. Spirituality was always there and even with the schizophrenia, I had my “imaginary friends” (if that makes sense?) The ‘positive‘ symptoms (voices and hallucinations) both good and evil—the “good,” the angels, always cancelled out the “evil”—told me I was brilliant, gave me brilliant ideas, many of a grandiose nature, but then again, most of my life had been rather grand and abundant.

Taking such well respected theorists (Carl Jung, John Weir Perry, and R.D. Laing’s) approach that there’s so much we don’t know about Life, but that science might even suggest that such symptoms, could very well be real in some way, and with all the loss and trauma for example, and the idea, not even a belief necessarily that “everything happens for a reason…” I still couldn’t see the meaning, so I came up with my own, and then the hope became my purpose. It grew and changed and evolved, as did my authenticity, and lately my self-acceptance and forgiveness of others’ actions, especially my own, and the way that I looked at the world. I took the leap and when I began to change the way I thought (which can be difficult with Sz) my values changed, also out of need, but with time, the miracles started to occur, just not as I had expected. Sometimes I just have to stay put and let go completely. It’s often impossible not to get caught up in the moment of negativity for me, whether I just bruised my hand on a door, or some drawn-out legal matter is haunting every minute of the day, but once I could get that far, and start really thinking, believing and feeling simultaneously all the little clichéd quotes like the ones I sometimes post on Porcelain Utopia and elsewhere, they’re all incredibly true. Currently I’ve been choosing which things in my life I want to deal with and just do one thing at a time, in my own way. Being true to myself first, then others and when I miss the mark, I start over.

If any of you are still struggling (I think we all are and we are all in need of healing in some way or another) I’m confident you will succeed and come out of the darkness where most of you already know is where the light is.

I’m so happy that I have touched so many of you in some way. My goal had always been just one person, and now my “audience” is well over 100 million. To some I’m otherwise just some mental health problem; to my best of friends and myself, I am a person. And we all are. What we have in common is Love. I could write volumes about this, and actually I do have many movies, books, and art not online, just on my list. But most are complete.

As I wrote to a close friend this morning, “Feel my big bear hug. I feel yours.

Miracles in the Heart of Darkness by Jonathan Harnisch

September 6, 2012, Porcelain Utopia

There are times in Life when I have to deal with “awful” things; things I just can’t ignore. The way I cope is by giving such things all the time and attention they need, however, not one single second longer than that. I invite you to do the same.

Take the time to enjoy all the good and beauty Life has to offer.

Over the years in my own darkness, and even the light—all of it, especially the loss of my family, finances and my mind (even over 1,000 hours of film and video footage I shot since I was 11) as I often bring up on The Real Me podcast, Porcelain Utopia and my documentaries, I always had hope. At one time (I think it’s in one of my other documentaries) I speak candidly, in my own self-aware psychosis about having nothing, at least nothing “good,” and that I didn’t even want help, and even then I always had hope. It started with my not knowing what I was even hoping for (perhaps a miracle, or just some relief, wanting to press the pause button of Life) from there, patience, then mindfulness, and the camera which I’d look into and just talk to my then-invisible audience. Spirituality was always there and even with the schizophrenia, I had my “imaginary friends” (if that makes sense?) The ‘positive‘ symptoms (voices and hallucinations) both good and evil—the “good,” the angels, always cancelled out the “evil”—told me I was brilliant, gave me brilliant ideas, many of a grandiose nature, but then again, most of my life had been rather grand and abundant.

Taking such well respected theorists (Carl Jung, John Weir Perry, and R.D. Laing’s) approach that there’s so much we don’t know about Life, but that science might even suggest that such symptoms, could very well be real in some way, and with all the loss and trauma for example, and the idea, not even a belief necessarily that “everything happens for a reason…” I still couldn’t see the meaning, so I came up with my own, and then the hope became my purpose. It grew and changed and evolved, as did my authenticity, and lately my self-acceptance and forgiveness of others’ actions, especially my own, and the way that I looked at the world. I took the leap and when I began to change the way I thought (which can be difficult with Sz) my values changed, also out of need, but with time, the miracles started to occur, just not as I had expected. Sometimes I just have to stay put and let go completely. It’s often impossible not to get caught up in the moment of negativity for me, whether I just bruised my hand on a door, or some drawn-out legal matter is haunting every minute of the day, but once I could get that far, and start really thinking, believing and feeling simultaneously all the little clichéd quotes like the ones I sometimes post on Porcelain Utopia and elsewhere, they’re all incredibly true. Currently I’ve been choosing which things in my life I want to deal with and just do one thing at a time, in my own way. Being true to myself first, then others and when I miss the mark, I start over.

If any of you are still struggling (I think we all are and we are all in need of healing in some way or another) I’m confident you will succeed and come out of the darkness where most of you already know is where the light is.

I’m so happy that I have touched so many of you in some way. My goal had always been just one person, and now my “audience” is well over 100 million. To some I’m otherwise just some mental health problem; to my best of friends and myself, I am a person. And we all are. What we have in common is Love. I could write volumes about this, and actually I do have many movies, books, and art not online, just on my list. But most are complete.

As I wrote to a close friend this morning, “Feel my big bear hug. I feel yours.

I competed Chance Encounter while undergoing a dark, deep experience with depression, existential despair and with new tears for old grief. So many people appreciate this film’s inherent beauty. I thank you, all, to God, and to all my fans, friends, and family for playing such a very special role in these short experimental pieces, although perhaps without knowing it. The holiday seasons often bring along a deep sense of nostalgia for good times long gone, from lost film footage in the archives here at the production office to experimenting into the depth of new ground, and new artistic expression with my goal of finding and redefining myself, through my art. A new original soundtrack for these films originally shot on both Super 8 film stock and Hi-8 video, will be developed and inspired by the final cut of The Morning After, Chance Encounter, and Emptying His Pockets. All three films on loss, love, and life will enhance with a revised original score, or soundtrack, over the coming months. Please leave comments, if you would. The responses for all the live cuts of these pieces have inspired me to bring The Morning, which I recommend if you enjoy Chance Encounter, to the film festival circuit. It has been years since I retired from Hollywood film and TV work. It might, however, be time to see what I can do to reconnect with an audience in the world beyond online, once again, in some way, and if not we’ve always had the Internet, after all. Professional financing and marketing, etc., will often cause me a great deal of unwanted stress, which I prefer with not to do. I suffer from rare and comorbid mental health diagnoses, namely those within the schizophrenic and autistic spectrum. My mental illnesses have blessed me over the years with many creative gifts. So, with immense gratitude, I thank you, my muse, my wife, my students, and my family and friends without hesitation. Onward bound, as always.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Mental Health Advocate and Author Jonathan Harnisch Suffering Possible Brain Tumor

Dear Readers, Re Pituitary Tumor: I had been keeping some health conditions and possible health conditions to myself since my hospital visit last month when I almost lost my life. I might have to get an MRI due to my rare blood condition, this, aside from my complex mental health conditions, primarily those within the schizophrenia spectrum syndrome likely set on by complex trauma. But I have reason to live. Regarding a possible cyst in my pituitary gland and losing vision, I'll write a bit about some of the "consider me as a rare case," material I have been gathering since December, though. Currently, nobody medially is immediately concerned, so things look okay enough for now. I have just been getting blood tests and making consistent and continuous visits to the hospital and endocrinologist. My apologies, for I can barely type, with nausea and lack of control over my fingers, I'll see if I can drop this text into one of the editing programs I use to write my literature. Before reading what is below, please know that if my latest blood test, which tested for quite some possibilities complicated by thy antipsychotic medication I am on, the cyst is likely benign but if it is not, it apparently treated with medication, pituitary tumors (adenomas) that do not secrete active hormones, clinically nonfunctioning pituitary adenomas. Most are large (macroadenomas), measuring more than one centimeter in size at the time of diagnosis. Patients start experiencing symptoms when the giant tumor compresses the optic nerves, leading to vision loss, or the loss of normal pituitary function. Clinically nonfunctioning pituitary adenomas make up about half of pituitary adenomas. The vast majority of them are benign. There are several possible reasons why nonfunctioning pituitary adenomas could occur: Typically, the body produces hormones by taking a larger molecule and cutting it at the right places to create a functioning hormone. In some cases, something is wrong with this cutting process, and a "functional" hormone fails production. The hormone might still travel into the bloodstream, but it is inactive and usually cannot be detected using standard blood tests. In some cases, the hormone might be formed inside the cell, but there is something wrong with the transport process that is required to release it into the bloodstream. In other cases, the tumor cells do not produce a hormone. The most common symptoms are due to the large tumor compressing nearby structures, leading to vision loss/vision with Bitemporal Hemianopsia: When large pituitary adenomas (macroadenomas) grow upward into the brain cavity, the tumor can elevate and compress the optic chiasm. A loss of the outer peripheral vision called a bitemporal hemianopsia. When severe, a patient can only see what is directly in front of them; many patients do not become aware of their visual loss until it is quite difficult. Other obvious problems include Loss of visual acuity (blurry vision), especially if the macroadenoma grows forward and compresses an optic nerve. Inability to recognize colors as brightly as usual. I just want to live to be 40 on January 17th, 2016. I have hope. Thank you, Jonathan Harnisch. 

My name is Jonathan Harnisch. I have schizophrenia with psychotic features, but schizophrenia and psychosis do not have me. I cannot distinguish what is real and what is not real. My thoughts, mood and behavior are altered, and they change frequently.

Sometimes I believe that I live in a psychiatric hospital and that my experience is worse than a hellish nightmare. At other times, I don't believe this. I see and interact with people who aren’t there, and I battle through countless other extremely uncomfortable symptoms. I believe that my medical team is currently taking me off all my medication.

My overall goal online is to inspire hope and resilience as a survivor of severe trauma that has led to dissociative disorders and schizophrenia. However, I struggle, not suffer. I post and publish what I want and what I feel, no matter what mood or state of mind I am in. However, I always do my best to keep things positive. I admire people who keep as positive an attitude as they can. Even though we all have our battles and bad days, this simply does not mean that we have a bad life. A negative mind will never give you a positive life.

The world suffers greatly due to the silence of good people. Keep going! Keep hope and faith alive! Living with schizophrenia and, therefore, with a brain that from time to time doesn't work means that my life can become difficult. However, I keep moving ahead, as always, knowing deep down inside that I am a good person and that I am worthy of a good life. Given that I’ve been diagnosed with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder, a brain injury, Tourette’s syndrome, diabetes, anxiety, depression, a rare blood disease, dyslexia, and cancer, I am doing okay. At the end of the storm there is always a golden sky. Writing in general—and writing this piece in particular—helps me by enabling me to stay in the moment and to share my experiences publicly.

I have recently had several days completely to myself, which provided me, at first, with certain feelings of abandonment and more solitude than I would otherwise have wanted, alongside moments of agitation, frustration, and anxiety. These feelings have fluctuated with familiar and comfortable times spent with myself and with my two cats in my home in the guest house of my family’s large property in a small village in New Mexico.

I would like to point out that prior to 2010 I was an extremely wealthy and successful person, which made my precise diagnoses with mental illnesses difficult, as I used to be able to just pay for anything I needed or wanted. This difficulty was increased because of my natural abilities, as I have always been known to be very smart and I have always taken some pride in being so. I have been able to write volumes about my past, but my goal now is to stay as grounded in the present as I am able to be. This is because a change has occurred in me, something perhaps bordering on the profound.

Yesterday, I watched a documentary film called A Sister's Call about a man with schizophrenia, who eventually gets better and better over the years. By the end of this film, I felt a change in myself. During my decline, I lost a great deal of what I had, much like the schizophrenic man portrayed in the movie. I was able to relate in quite a few ways, although I think that the changes in me actually first began years ago, when, as a boy, I would often read about schizophrenia and related conditions, as well as self-help material. I have come to realize what I had, what I have, and what I want so far as this pertains to my health, my lifestyle, and, yes, my life. Independence.

I have been and am still dependent on people, as well as tobacco and medication. I have lost a great deal of my cognitive abilities over the past few years—and a great deal more since earlier this year. I continue my journaling as usual, but I feel different, maybe better, may