The Georgie Gust Exhibit

Morning Mental Health Update: Email: To my loving wife and entire medical team: I was not going to communicate anything to anyone today, but plain and simple: I feel awful, ashamed, etc., a waste. I was going to be on non-com for the day if not the week or even the month, or so. I'm fine. I'm safe. Privacy sign has been on since yesterday; back bedroom door unlocked in case any of you think I'm taking my life. I am NOT suicidal. The only thing I NEED is NO CONFLICT. Sometimes, this illness can really suck. And with that said, I am going to move onward, alone for now. I just don't know if I will ever open up again in my life. Therapy was EXTREMELY difficult yesterday and still is, although it was extremely helpful. I want you to know that I love you and all human beings. And again, I am safe. I just need to stay put, not lifting another finger to do a thing. Just sit, or lie down or sleep. Thank you. P.S. If you are mad at me, that is not my issue, nor will it ever be if anyone has any ill feelings towards me. I can't handle the simplest conflict, even with having had decades of therapy. Thank you, I will try to check messages. I sure hope NONE are negative. Sometimes this schizophrenia is just far too much for me to handle. Feel free to share this. I do not care. Love, Jonathan 

P.S. After writing what I just did and while sleepless, due to the fact that I still have hope, I have removed the do not disturb sign off my office door, which is now unlocked. I suppose it is time to begin again. But I am still extremely vulnerable at the moment. I have to remember that most of yesterday was an excellent exhilarating day. Until my next episode, thank you, everyone for your continued support and encouragement.

I can't decide if I need a hug, a large coffee, six shots of vodka or two weeks of sleep.

In the old days of war, the winning army pretty much got to loot the countryside and take what they wanted—wealth, crops, women, whatever. These would be the spoils of victory. In a relatively civilized setting, we tend to use this term symbolically or metaphorically. The winner (the victor, the victorious one, the one who gets the victory) gets whatever benefits go with the actual winning of the title, prize, award, office, or event. These can be formal or informal. That is, they can be a designated part of the prize (a gold medal, a contract with an athletic equipment manufacturer), or they can just tag along with it (celebrity status, free gifts, media attention, a boost in the winner’s love life).I don’t want to focus on the illness of schizophrenia when I don’t need to, but I do want to note some things I learned as I came out of my latest episode of delusion and minor psychosis, where paranoia was the overarching element.Early this morning, I am refreshed and out of any episodic states related to my illnesses. I’m now able to access what it was like, yesterday, when I blended back into this more normal life experience. I want to demystify what happened in my mind—in order to learn how to cope even better next time. I want to figure this whole darn craziness out. The more I grow, and grow more comfortable with this illness, primarily schizophrenia, the more I’m looking for answers, solutions, and understanding.I also did some thinking while the paranoid and delusional beliefs, along with my awareness of them, were still present.So I think about delusions, hallucinations, and paranoia. Then I’m going to start my day, meditate, have fun, and in a couple of hours attend my psychologist’s appointment, and then maybe edit part of one of my upcoming novels. But I will stay off the computer for the most part, I hope. I hope!It seems that I might more simply label hallucinations, delusions, and, in short, any psychotic feature as:• White/Black• Good/Bad• Good/Evil• Jesus/Devil• Christ/AntichristI think that I have had experience of several categories—and that one scenario will usually stand out, although many will in fact overlap. This may be:• Religion• Grandiosity/Celebrities• Aliens/Conspiracy/End of the World—DoomI made some of these notes during my episode, and more as I was coming out of it using my coping tools, of which these days I have many. I’m discovering that my delusions are for the most part rooted in some grain of truth. In a way, they would represent, were they to be mapped out, my entire worldview. The processes and the storyline are likely to have, I believe, a lot more back-story, subtext, metaphors, and symbols (to use terms from writing). As a writer, who knows about the craft, I think my knowledge helps me understand some of this schizophrenia material, and I am finding, although I am perhaps slightly biased, a correlation between writing theory and practice—starting with the idea that I am in general so fascinated with story.Some kind of historical context (Jung’s theories play a large part):“To the victor go the spoils.” The spoils of victory are the extra bonuses, perks, and treasure you get for winning.Killers will kill for money and power.Think of this the other way around, as our schizophrenic realities will often distort: “To the spoils go the victor.”Let’s amp that up to a more grandiose context. Perhaps: War and global catastrophe.People are out to get me (paranoia) for money, power, and status. I often believe that this is true.Then there’s the storyline. Maybe it’s because I am a writer, although I will often distort the story element in my writing, warping time, place, settings, and characters, as in my films (including On the Bus, Wax, Ten Years, and others) and in some of my novels.Story, story, story. The schizophrenic storyline—the delusional thinking process—is a healing process. Processes. I believe that this is the root of it all—that the storylines for me (and I would think for most suffering with schizophrenic or psychotic disorders—or thought disorders) are personal, synchronistic, and overlapping, and that symbols, mythology, and connections, even coincidences, take on a very deep and, once more, personal meaning, a very deep and personal context.I’m again digging a bit deeper into the vulnerabilities of psychosis, now that I am not currently experiencing an episode. Although my heightened awareness or metacognition often lets me know if and, it does not always.Symbolic stories. Someone’s tattoo of a cross might make me think that he (or she) is God—then I might confess my sins to a complete stranger. However, if I am aware enough, these days I can usually keep this to myself and believe wholeheartedly that yes, indeed, this person with the tattoo is God, no doubt, but I’ll just keep that secret to myself. This goes for any delusion. However, this then leaves me, and us, susceptible to actual theft or simply vulnerability, since if, and when, something of ours, or mine, is taken, stolen, I am somehow really and truly wronged. I often feel trapped with my secret of knowing this but having to pass it off as: “Okay, this isn’t real… if that man—the man with the cross tattoo—is probably not in fact God, then no, my pack of cigarettes was probably not stolen.”Kind of frightening because if I saw my house burning down, I would likely believe this was real. This particular symptom is a common one for me. However, if it really was burning down, I think that I would probably not do a thing about it, especially while in fear and stress from the event that I am experiencing, real or not. The police would come and I’d be locked up for being schizophrenic, for making a fake 911 call, and I’d be scared—with multiple reasons reasons to be scared.

Please take note that some of the above writing has been paraphrased from my second novel, Second Alibi: The Banality of Life (2014).

Paranoia: The word is there, no doubt, in the dictionary.

But not the feeling.

Derived from the ancient Greek, 'paranoia' originally referred to a distracted mind. But distracted from what? The definition claims that the distraction is caused by false beliefs that someone is persecuting us. But if you or I are afflicted with paranoia, we know, wholeheartedly, that these are not delusions. People are harassing and persecuting us.

Who the hell are they? Why the hell are they following us? What the hell do they want?

We have become the target of a vast conspiracy stretching on invisible webs across the surface of the planet. It lives in the telephone wires, the cell towers, the papers, and even online—perhaps even inside the dictionary itself.  It spills out of radios and, these days, my iPod… the damn TV too. It nests in the hearts and minds of my family, friends and loved ones.

And it’s coming to get me.

There might be many reasons why they chose me, and why they chose you. But we have—in fact—been chosen, you know? People are jealous of us. After all, we’re smarter than “they” are. They are after our brilliant knowledge, our money, our ideas, our mind, and all the rest of our stuff. According to the dictionary, many of us paranoiacs have "feelings of grandiosity and omnipotence." But no book really understands, though there are some excellent ones out there, including: Understanding Paranoia: A Guide for Professionals, Families, and Sufferers by Martin Kantor; Delusional Disorder: Paranoia and Related Illnesses by Alistair Munro; and Whispers: The Voices of Paranoia by Ronald Siegel, the first page of which I have paraphrased slightly in this post, adding my own take given my own voices and current experiences with this diabolical perplexity.

You and I really do possess remarkable talents. We are mathematicians—like "the Great John Nash!" Inventors (that would be me). Prophets (you?)… That’s why we are all so attractive and so inspired, so envied. There is nothing in life that we cannot accomplish.

I haven’t slept in two days, and I currently fear a complete psychotic break from reality as a result of my life being its own thriller-movie conspiracy—of which I am, of course, the victim.

This is no freaking joke. At this point I am aware that my beliefs are “only the schizophrenia,” but it’s for damn sure the truth and as frightening as all hell. Stuck. Trapped. No way out. But I have to keep running and playing along. In code. Like an FBI agent. Like John Nash’s character, as portrayed by Akiva Goldsman in A Beautiful Mind.

Let’s raise awareness and figure out this perpetual labyrinth of chaos and deception before it becomes more than just seemingly so…

Please note that some of the above has been paraphrased from my second novel, Second Alibi: The Banality of Life (2014).

Paranoia: The word is there, no doubt, in the dictionary.
But not the feeling.
Derived from the ancient Greek, 'paranoia' originally referred to a distracted mind. But distracted from what? The definition claims that the distraction is caused by false beliefs that someone is persecuting us. But if you or I are afflicted with paranoia, we know, wholeheartedly, that these are not delusions. People are harassing and persecuting us.
Who the hell are they? Why the hell are they following us? What the hell do they want?
We have become the target of a vast conspiracy stretching on invisible webs across the surface of the planet. It lives in the telephone wires, the cell towers, the papers, and even online—perhaps even inside the dictionary itself.  It spills out of radios and, these days, my iPod… the damn TV too. It nests in the hearts and minds of my family, friends and loved ones.
And it’s coming to get me.
There might be many reasons why they chose me, and why they chose you. But we have—in fact—been chosen, you know? People are jealous of us. After all, we’re smarter than “they” are. They are after our brilliant knowledge, our money, our ideas, our mind, and all the rest of our stuff. According to the dictionary, many of us paranoiacs have "feelings of grandiosity and omnipotence." But no book really understands, though there are some excellent ones out there, including: Understanding Paranoia: A Guide for Professionals, Families, and Sufferers by Martin Kantor; Delusional Disorder: Paranoia and Related Illnesses by Alistair Munro; and Whispers: The Voices of Paranoia by Ronald Siegel, the first page of which I have paraphrased slightly in this post, adding my own take given my own voices and current experiences with this diabolical perplexity.
You and I really do possess remarkable talents. We are mathematicians—like "the Great John Nash!" Inventors (that would be me). Prophets (you?)… That’s why we are all so attractive and so inspired, so envied. There is nothing in life that we cannot accomplish.
I haven’t slept in two days, and I currently fear a complete psychotic break from reality as a result of my life being its own thriller-movie conspiracy—of which I am, of course, the victim.
This is no freaking joke. At this point I am aware that my beliefs are “only t

Note to self: Sometimes you've just got to let shit go. Whatever happened, happened. Stop stressing over it. We're all still young and have more shit coming our way. Have faith. Regain self-confidence. Learn from letting go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway. Accept what it is, let go of what it was and have faith in what will be. Word of the day: equanimity.

10-Minute positive update from Jonathan Harnisch on Saturday, September 19, 2015 9:00 AM MST. This should be the correct file, unlike the previous episode/s, I sure hope! A 10-Minute positive update on Saturday, September 19, 2015 9:00 AM MST. Thank you all for your continued support and enjoy! Realizing I'm a bit overworked at this point, though the morning has proven to be quite productive. Need a break. Taking a break. Podcast episodes update and post automatically, beyond my control currently. My apologies for over posting perhaps a bit, this morning and whenever I do. I have felt a bit hypomanic, just “under mania” or "less than mania," in my opinion. But thank you all for sticking around! As I often say, "take what you want and leave the rest."  All is good. There is a time for everything; I'll be the first to say that. Stay strong, stay positive, get up, dress, up, and show up when you can. I hope all is well with you all. Great deals of you have been leaving some very helpful feedback, which I appreciate. That being said, off I go for now. Will check in again when I do. Peace!

My name is Jonathan, and I am a tobacco addict. Life goes on without smoking, but for now I fight for life.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for People with Schizophrenia | iTunes - Podcasts - Schizophrenia Raw by Jonathan Harnisch

This was very interesting and well-written. I enjoyed your outlook on life, as I, like most others, have my bad and good days, and your piece really inspired me to put on a happier face. —Editor